Cearbhail:

Um... Wow. I really hate myself for this one.

=^^= Enjoy...

[Nakuma]

Shadow Journey, Entry 129

The death of Vanus weights heavy in my heart. We were once friends, colleagues, the first to try unraveling the mysteries of our universe and the energy that surrounds and binds it. But… it was necessary. Vanus, and his 'Mages Guild' would only permit the limited research of what they deem 'proper magic'. Their arrogance as to what is deemed 'proper' sicked me to no end. Do they not understand that magic is just that… magic? They would deem its existence impure and impractical based on their own moral beliefs? Magic does not care what you think, what you feel… it's just there, it exists. It gives us purpose, gives us hope. Gives us… a second chance at living. And it is with a heavy heart that… I, Mannimarco, have finally unraveled the truth of death and resurrection.

That is right… I have found the way to live unending. I have found a way to bring back those who are gone. I have found a way to reunite parents with dead children, children with dead parents, brothers with dead sisters, and countries with dead leaders. It will allow those who've died before their time to come back until their bodies naturally fade away, to give back the time we all deserve. People like Vanus. He died way too early in his life… but to bring him back would only serve to hurt his pride. So… this is why I, Mannimarco, have a heavy heart. Discovering the unlimitless potential of resurrection has no value to me anymore. To bring Vanus back… to bring back my friend who would go to war with me… over the practice of bringing life back to those who've lost it… over the practice of learning how to become immortal again… would be an insult to what he fought for. He would hate me for it, probably even kill himself to correct nature's 'true path'. Arkay be damned for this 'true path'. But… even if this resurrection spell holds nothing over me, that does not mean it will not serve someone else in the coming days. So… here I will write it down, everything I've discovered over my 120 years of necromantic study. This will not be my last project, but only the beginning. Although I am now immortal… I have so much to learn, and so much to teach. So, let's begin with resurrection, for those of you who wish to bring back those you've lost to war and famine.

The first thing you need to realize is that the soul is not one thing, it is a combination of many things…

From Mannimarco's Lost Entry… found only by Biluuz… and Nrillia…

…

I could not believe it. My brother…

Black robes, faded peeling scales… The dark sunken eyes empty of all emotion… the cuts on his arms deep and infected, the blood dripping from his sleeves. His feathers were loose and wrinkled… his very presence, which was always fun-filled and loving, now seemed more… I can't begin to describe it. He seemed… I don't know. Not my brother. That's the only thing I can come up with. Whatever this thing in front of me was… it wasn't my brother. It couldn't be.

"Did Nrillia do something to you?" I couldn't help but ask as my brother stared me down. Just a second ago, he fired a ball of Shadow at me… something all Shadowwraiths are taught, but rarely used anymore. In lieu of using Shadow, most Shadowwraiths are more accustomed to studying traditional magicka. Our teachers felt it was necessary to learn if we were to become recognized within the world as respected mages. Our connection to Shadow allowed us to transform it into something better… and our magicka has grown stronger because of it. To use its more… basic form… meant that Biluuz was tapping into pure Shadow, something we're told not to rely on anymore. We still learn it for its flexible manipulability, but Shadow lacks elemental punch that Fire and Frost bring. So… we use it for portals, shields, and smoke screens… but to use it as a ball to launch at people? That was only done if someone wanted to do something personally.

The creature pretending to be my brother scanned me. I could feel his presence inside me, trying to determine my auric sense, or perhaps any weaknesses I had. He stood like that for a moment, and I stood where I was. Black flames poured through his aura, leaving me with a wicked taste in my mouth, like it was pure poison filling the air around us. It was almost suffocating to be this close to him. Off on the other side of the laboratory, Oleeme was trying his best to avoid any confrontation with Mannimarco. The reason being was that he was protecting the newborn daughter of the Arch Mage.

"Just give me the baby!" Mannimarco screamed.

"Stop being such a pervert!" Oleeme hissed back at the man. In a way… it was nice to see that Oleeme was back to being himself. Before, he was a husk, a lifeless soulless creature that comes out of the Soul Chamber. The main premise is that while inside the Soul Chamber, if a person has too much emotional baggage, it becomes amplified to the point where it literally crushes your emotional soul, usually breaking it. The theory is that you must be able to overcome your emotional weaknesses in order to become a great mage, which is why we're put through our final exam in the Soul Chamber. We spend months of our final year preparing ourselves for the Chamber. Meditation, confrontation with our inner selves… you learn a lot about yourself before you enter the Soul Chamber, and forced to confront those parts of yourself that you can't stand. The Soul Chamber forces you to confront everything you thought you knew… and amplify it to points where… you might become a husk. And once you turn into a husk… you usually don't come out of it. Oleeme, I guess, had things that he couldn't overcome. What those things were… I really don't know. But it crushed him.

Seeing Oleeme screaming insults and sarcastic quips at Mannimarco, a man he should be afraid of, was really inspiring. He was back to his old, sarcastic self. It kinda eased me back into my own situation. I looked back at my brother. In the corner of my eye, I could see Oleeme single-handedly fighting Mannimarco's magicka attacks, perhaps even outwitting him. Maybe Mannimarco was incomplete or something? I don't think anyone could take him at full power, let alone someone like me or Oleeme.

"So…" I nodded to my black-flaming brother. "Are you going to answer me? Did Nrillia do this to you?"

He stood there, eyes glued on me. "Nrillia is a gnat to me." Well… that was not a good sign. "A limited being squandering her gift on copying herself. The knowledge she gained from reading Mannimarco's journal… the lives she could have saved… she used improperly. She allowed herself a form of limited conjuration, limited immortality… and no opportunity to finely tune what she had learned." He gestured over to Mannimarco. "He taught me how to be everything this world needs. I can bring back those we've lost… those we will lose… and make use all into gods. We can live forever on this world and make it what we want it to be. A true paradise, a heaven… if you will." And that… was definitively not a good sign. Not at all.

So, instead of questioning what his definition of a real heaven was, I decided to nod my head like I understood. "And so… you thought it was a good idea to bring Mannimarco back to life because…"

Biluuz smiled. He had no teeth. The creature living inside my brother's body… pulled out all his teeth. I could see the blood dripping from the holes in his mouth. It was pretty recent. That… that made my stomach turn into lead. What happened to my brother? "Because I need his help. He wants to complete his research, to unlock the very fabric of reality, to learn how to shift the world into one that we can all claim is our heaven. He will be the one to save us… not Talos, not the Hist, and not the Aldmeri Pantheon." That… that made no sense at all. His brain must have been too raddled to think clearly.

I sighed as I stepped closer to my brother. The flames on his body continued to stink up the place, and Oleeme continued his fight with Mannimarco. What could I say to him to make him stop this? He was my older brother. He was always there to protect me, teach me magicka, and to keep me company when our parents were off studying their respective fields of magicka research. He hated the darkness as much as I did… he hated necromancy to a point where he would burn black books whenever they popped up in our labs, even though we had Shadowwraiths that studied the black books, looking for new ways to expand our magicka research. For Biluuz to give into his imaginary Mannimarco told me one thing… this wasn't my brother.

"So, why did you do it? Becoming a necromancer, I mean. What did Mannimarco promise you? Eternal life, fame, fortune?"

Biluuz shook his head. "He promised to keep you safe."

That was it? He threw my name into the mix and suddenly my brother would do anything he asked him to? That… that was kind, in a way, but stupid. Very, very stupid. "Safe from what?"

"From him." He said. "He said he was preparing you as he was preparing me. If… If I wanted to save you… I had to give myself to him. And he did it, right? Took that piece of him inside you and combined it to his body?" Holy shit… that's what he meant?

"You don't know what you just did!" I screamed to him. "You sacrificed yourself, your body… and brought back the King of Worms, who will probably destroy the world, … to keep a figment of my imagination from pestering me?" He nodded, smiling like he was proud of himself. "You're such a moron! Worse than that, you're the dumbest mage I've ever met!"

Biluuz frowned. "I thought you would be proud of me, Nakuma. I protected you, just like I always promised I would. I took on this darkness for you! And this is how you repay me? With insults?" He launched his black fire at me, which I could tell was more pure Shadow. I dived away from the roaring black flames, rolling my way across the laboratory. Oleeme and Mannimarco were still fighting each other in the way that Mannimarco was launching lightning at Oleeme, and Oleeme was holding a Shield up to protect himself and the little baby in his arms. He couldn't do much else besides that. I had to hurry if I was going to save my friend. And that meant… that meant I had to somehow get my brother to stop fighting me.

I had to do this, for him. He would not want his body to be used like this. I rolled up onto the balls of my feet, hoping to do something cool for once, like what Nexa would do. But… I have no trained sense of balance. Trying to roll up onto the balls of my feet, I accidentally rolled down onto my butt. A wad of lightning rolled past me. As I tried to roll away, Biluuz slammed me with another wad of lightning, and it surged through me. All the magicka I had been building up drained out of my nerves. Lightning continued to pulse through me as my brother walked up to me with a blood-soaked dagger. It was normally at times like this that the figment Mannimarco would pop up in my head to give me advice. Too bad he was combined with the new Mannimarco.

"This could have been avoided, sister." Biluuz's voice sounded harsher than usual. He had really given himself over to Mannimarco then. My brother would never do this to me. Never. The lightning continued to surge, much to my own displeasure. Biluuz was practically standing over me, still pumping more lightning into me. He started to bend down, bringing the knife to my neck. "You know how many times I had to dream of cutting into you? I would begin by cutting open your chest, examine your heart. I would determine how the soul worked… and then… I'd be drawn to your head. I would grab a giant toothed saw… and…" He shook his head. "I would watch the horror in your eyes as I cut your head open. Your screams would wake me up. But… after ten or so dreams of the same content, I started getting curious. What was inside your head? Your heart? Your hara. Stomach… third eye… you know by now. The chakras, all pieces of our soul. Seven major, so many more minor. Each contribute a piece of who we are, what we feed, what we become. And I was curious about what made us complete. And so…" He reached his knife down at my convulsing body. He brought the knife to my chest, resting it right on my sternum. "I tried it out on a shadowwraith. And… what I learned about him was… exciting. As I ripped him open…" He gestured by cutting into my top, bringing it down towards my stomach. His knife was barely scratching me, but I could tell he was imagining cutting me open like his shadowwraith friend. "Mannimarco coached me on, telling me how to prepare his body to keep it alive long enough to study. And… I studied him. I learned a lot about him… who he was… what he planned to do with his life… Everything." He looked me in the eye.

Was this what ruined my brother? Mannimarco speaking to him? Experimentation? He had the same crazy dream I did, and yet… he lived it? He acted on it? I couldn't believe it. There was no way my brother would willingly give into that darkness.

"And yet… there was something I always wanted to know. My little sister… what makes her so much better than me?" He asked right as he brought the knife back up to my chest. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Oleeme barely holding his own against Mannimarco. He was looking at me with wide eyes full of concern. He wanted to help me, but he was giving everything he had just to keep Mannimarco at bay. "What makes her so much stronger than me? The natural talent Mom and Dad love so much? I'm the older one… the more experienced one. Why did you grow up so much better than me? Always overshadowing my accomplishments by being four steps ahead of me. My tenth birthday party… when I first mastered the art of Shadowporting, taking my first step into Shadow and popping out an inch later, … our guests and our parents were too busy celebrating your first Shadowport, and not just yourself… but my cake. You managed to Shadowport a piece to you… something that would take me two more years of study to figure out. And yet… you… a little seven year-old could do it like it was nothing. And it's always been like that. Mom and Dad adore you for what you can do, and expect me to be better because of it."

Did he really think like that? I thought my brother loved me. I mean… sure, I could do things, but it just seemed easy. I didn't know that it took so long to learn anything magicka related. I just figured it out. Like the Daedric crack we discovered near Cheydinhal. I didn't really have to do much to figure that out, but I guess it might have been mentally taxing to someone else… someone like my brother.

I tried to scream as my brother forced the knife inside my chest. I felt a pain similar to this once… when Meesei stabbed me a few thousand times to kill me. She didn't slide the knife down the length of my chest though. She just left me there to die of blood loss. My brother didn't seem too bothered by it though. Blood splashed out of my exposed chest wound, hitting him in the face. I watched as my blood landed near the other blood stains on his robes… and it suddenly made sense. He just got done cutting someone open. He just got done killing someone. He was fully committed to this now. He was going to examine me just like I did to him in my dream. Only… this was real. And I was the victim. And there was no waking up from this.

I glanced over at Oleeme. He was trying to Shadowport but… there was something wrong with him. His Shield was failing and… that's it. His Shield was failing. And right as I thought it couldn't get any worse, the Shield snapped. And Oleeme was met with a force of necromancy like I've never seen before. He flew off his feet and crashed into a cabinet on the other side of the room. Whatever happened, it caused Oleeme to crumble to the floor. The little baby in his arms began to cry even harder than she was a moment ago.

Mannimarco turned from the unconscious Oleeme and turned his attention to me. He smirked as he glided up to me, nodding in appreciation. "You see… Nakuma? You should have just listened to me. And… to think… you never would do anything to protect yourself." There was a wink out of his left eye, one that caused Mannimarco to growl. He snapped his head around, looking for someone. "What? What are you doing?" His body started fighting itself. His left arm snapped out, grabbing his own throat. There was a struggle before I heard Mannimarco speak. His left eye glanced down at me with urgency. "Remember… Chapter… 23… paragraph… 7…." A second voice crawled out his mouth, almost like a whisper. Mannimarco managed to snatch the left hand and force it away. "Why… you insolent byproduct of a soul absorption!"

I was struggling to realize what was going on. That figment Mannimarco I spent my time with was fighting to protect me. And… he mentioned Chapter 23… what was chapter 23 again? Too bad I didn't have Mannimarco's projection to help me this time. And Mannimarco was too busy fighting himself to be of much help. His body was literally falling to pieces. The left arm wasn't the only thing trying to fight. His body was being pulled into two, and it was falling off in pieces. His body… it wasn't going to last much longer.

Biluuz paid no attention to the fight going on with Mannimarco. He was still cutting into me, and I was still in a lot of pain. My arms were pretty much useless at this point, and Biluuz was already clutching my heart. I felt all the pain in the world crash down inside me as he touched my heart. He was inside me… I could feel it. He was witnessing everything that was my heart… the very thing I was forced to face during my trials inside the Soul Chamber. And he was glancing at it, absorbing everything that was my heart's desires like it was nothing. And it was forcing me to relive everything I had already come to terms with. My feelings for my parents, my brother, my friends, Meesei, Ram-ku… and… Oleeme. That last one really pushed down on me. I hadn't faced these newer emotions yet and it was really forcing itself on me. It was… it was…

I was standing in a dark room, which looked a lot like the Soul Chamber. Biluuz was standing in front of me, looking me in the eye. He nodded a welcome, stepping up to take my hand. "Sister…" He nodded apologetically. "I'm sorry." With that… he vanished. And I was left alone in the dark room. What? I looked around for an exit but… I didn't see one. And that's when the Soul Chamber really came alive. Everything I felt for Oleeme crashed down on me. It pushed, and it pushed, and it pushed. It pushed to a point where I felt deafened by it. And… there was only one way I could protect myself. I had to create a Shield over this feeling. I had to protect myself. As a mage, I can't function properly while I feel this. It will limit me. So, I did it. I created a giant Shield to wrap around me. And… the dark room became a lot less dark and a lot less noisy.

My vision came to and I was back on my back, my brother still clutching my heart inside my chest. He finally sighed and released it. His eyes looked even darker than before. I thought he was done experimenting with me but I guess he was just done with that. He brought that same carving knife up to my head. "Now… I know how your emotions fuel your magicka… Now… I must know how your intellect makes you so adaptable. Why are you so good at anything you do? What makes you a genius?"

What makes me a genius? I couldn't really say. Not really. I never thought I was any better than anyone else. I always thought it was pretty easy, whatever I needed or wanted to do. It didn't really matter right now. My body was growing cold. Whatever pain I felt was numbed out to the point where I couldn't even tell if I was still inside my body or not. I couldn't move anything at all; I surely couldn't breathe anymore… and… I couldn't feel anything anymore. I'm not talking about feeling my body, but… the way I feel things. My heart, you know? What happened? I used to care about things, but now… I… I can't remember what it feels like. I just wanted this to be over with.

I looked away from Biluuz as he started slicing into my head. So, I looked over at Mannimarco. He was nothing more than a walking, fighting, bloody mess of organs and muscles. He was clawing himself apart, pulling out everything he could as he tried to fight himself. I watched as his body took its last breath and fell in a puddle of its own blood and organs. Must have been too much for his new body to handle. And having two dominant souls of ageless necromancers inside a body must be hard for the body to handle.

Given what I know, and what I've learned from Mannimarco, I had a perfect ability to reason out what he was trying to tell me. There was a dull numbness rubbing across my head, and I guess that was Biluuz cutting my skull open. I had to hurry if I wished to continue functioning. Did I really want that though? I guess it might be nice to continue breathing. But… for what reason? My mission was complete, wasn't it? What was my mission? Why did I continue to fight? I didn't really care anymore. Logic would dictate that I should serve some purpose, but what was that purpose? I should exist for a reason, shouldn't I? I guess that would be reason enough to fight. Fight to continue existing, so that I can discover my purpose. I wish I had a better reason than that, but… it will have to do.

So… now that I've confirmed my existence is somewhat important, based on the fact that if I truly didn't matter, I would not exist. It was a spotty theory but it was the only one I had currently. I will determine the rest after I've compiled more research, maybe interview others as to their reason for living. Perhaps I could interview Oleeme… but… why? Why was he the first one I wished to interview? I remember I had feelings for him but… what were they? Love? How was I supposed to know if I did? Love makes no sense to me. I can easily tell one emotion from another, but love always confused me. Everyone has a different analogy for love, a different definition. And… as I lie here with my brother poking around my brain, I actually was taking time to analyze it myself? Why? Did it really matter? And why Oleeme?

And… that's when it clicked. Because Oleeme was a husk. I was thinking of Oleeme because he too was a husk… husk. I never thought of that term like this before. What it really meant. An empty shell of one's self. And that's what I was now… and empty shell. I had cut off my emotional soul, separated it from me in order to spare myself emotional turmoil. I was quite literally killing myself inside, breaking off a piece of my soul to protect me from pain. And that's why I don't feel any pain right now… because pain is more of an emotional reaction, maybe? I wasn't sure, but perhaps I learned how to shut out the pain when my heart stopped getting in the way with fears interfering with me. And with no heart to interfere with my thought process, I had now had enough thought processes to figure out how what Mannimarco was trying to tell me.

That brought me back to thinking about the last time I was in a situation like this. Meesei was stabbing me with her knives and… Mannimarco popped up. He told me about blood magic… blood magic! (monotony, like really pathetic quiet emotionless screaming.)

I just had to do blood magic. And in order to do that… I needed to… tap into my soulic energy deep within me. I closed my eyes like I did back then, trying to feel something. Oh… Well, that's inconvenient. I forgot, I can't feel things. And without the ability to feel things, I could not tap into the soulic energy inside me. How could I get myself to feel things before it was too late? I couldn't remember.

"Well, that's it." Biluuz said as he stepped away from my brain. His hands were covered in blood. "I finally understand you, Nakuma. I finally know why you're better than me. And now…" He plunged a dagger into my heart. "I have no more use for you." Well, I guess this was it.

Cearbhail:

I really liked Nakuma too. Maybe I can fix this? Maybe? Eh...