Second Chance

A thin dew covered the wooden guardrail of the patio as Maureen stepped out of the kitchen, a hot coffee billowing steam in the fresh, morning air. A gentle breeze blew through the tender green leaves of the trees growing on the left side of the house, while the sunrays of Alpha Centauri warmed the grassy hills that stretched to the horizon. She carefully scanned the quiet landscape, hoping to catch sight of the family of deer-like creatures that sometimes ventured close to their house.

"Hi, mom."

"Hey, Jude! I didn't hear you come back last night," she said as her daughter, wrapped up in a large plaid coat, joined her from the living room to admire the view of the pristine valley.

"It was the middle of the night. I didn't want to wake you up."

"Long shift?" Maureen asked as they settled around the picnic table.

"I did my first appendectomy."

"Oh, that's great! How did it go?"

"Perfectly well. Now, I have the day off to enjoy the fresh air. I love those clear blue skies so much."

"It feels good, isn't it? To feel the sun warming your back again."

"Yes. And the silence. The brochure didn't lie. We can hear the nature here."

Maureen closed her eyes and inhaled the pure air. It was nice indeed. So why wasn't she feeling more relaxed?

"Do you have any news from Will?" Judy asked.

"No, not since last month."

"I'm sure he's okay."

"I'm not worried about Will," Maureen replied, setting her gaze on the peaceful landscape. No storm was brewing on the soft lines of the hills. They'd had a few days of light rain a couple of weeks ago, but had yet to experience what a thunderstorm looked – sounded - like here. It should be spectacular. There was still so much they didn't know about this planet. The pace of nature was so slow here; the change in seasons so progressive. The temperatures were dropping, but the satellites, with the mathematical models, predicted a temperate climate comparable to Virginia Beach. Winter felt like months away.

"What are you worried about, then?"

"Nothing. I guess I'm still adjusting to our new rhythm of life."

"We all are, mom. Those things take time. Where's Dad, by the way? It's been a while since I saw him."

"He left before dawn with Grant and a group of Hiroki's biology and zoology students to prospect the valley behind the dam."

"That far, huh? When are they scheduled to come back?"

"In two weeks or so, depending on the terrain and what they find. The weather satellites say that it's going to be in the low sixties but mostly sunny, so they should be fine."

"I'm sure they will. And you? What are your plans for this week? Are you working on some new projects now that the Resilient is on its first trip to Earth?"

"I decided to listen to my therapist and make some time in my days to try some new things."

"Like what?"

"Like yoga and the flute."

"Oh, that sounds nice. Yoga will certainly teach you to learn how to relax, which you'll need to play the flute. Did Dad take on some new hobbies too?"

"Oh, no. You know him, he'd rather stick to his old ones. Running, swimming. He already plans to go scuba-diving after his return. I guess that falling back on his routine is his way of coping with all the changes."

"That's understandable. Even if we were on Earth, you'd have to give him time to transition to civilian life. Keeping active is what he needs."

"Unless it means knee replacement surgery before his next birthday. I caught him limping the other day."

"Well, if it comes to that, I'll be there. Penny told me he's been happy and relaxed lately, and if that's the case, I don't see any reason to hold him back."

"That's the point. I'm not convinced he really is relaxed."

Judy frowned. "What do you mean?"

Maureen took a moment to think. Was it just a gut feeling, something real, or just her fears that all this seemed too good to be true? That this trip in the wilderness was John trying to find a way to leave her again?

Unless it wasn't the camping trip that bothered her but rather the fact that once more, he was leading people on a mission to collect insects and plants; students whom he was responsible for bringing back alive. It was like his life was always stuck to the same pattern, no matter where he was.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Judy asked softly, putting her hand on hers. Maureen saw the concern in her eyes. In her mind, she heard her therapist's soft but direct voice telling her "Go on, Maureen, this is an opportunity to open up about what you lived through. Don't shy away. "

"When you were away with all the kids, your dad had to lead salvage missions on the planet where the Resolute had crashed to recover rations, tools, medkits, anything we needed to survive. It was terribly dangerous to go down there with all the robots skimming through the wreckage. In a damp and cold, virgin forest. Each time, they had twenty-three days to hold their own because they were using the electric storms in the ring to hide the Jupiter's signature from the robots in order to land and take off safely. On his last trip, Beckert was killed. When your dad came back that night, I was so demoralized and run down myself that– It's not that I didn't care about what he'd been through, it's just…"

Maureen paused.

"You were both in a bad mental place, mom. Don't be too harsh on yourself for what you did or did not do at that time."

"I know, I know… But yesterday evening, he was packing for the trip and I caught him staring into the void for a few minutes with his poncho in his hands. He had the same vacant look in his eyes as that night in the Jupiter, after Beckert's death. Then he noticed I was there and pulled himself quickly together. At that moment, the relaxed expression on his face was totally artificial. It was a mask."

"Mom, we have two years of a brutal, terrifying, relentless war with the robots to put behind us. Like everybody else, Dad needs time to process what happened to us and adjust."

"I don't think it's as much about adjusting to our present situation. I think it's something more profound. Last evening wasn't the first time I'd seen this mask. In fact, I've seen it for years. When he was deployed, and I'd call him, if he'd turned his webcam on, which he didn't always do for security reasons or network issues, at least that's what he'd said. It was especially the case in those three years he left us. So now I can't stop wondering how much grief he's hiding, or if it's about more than just grief."

Maureen shivered as her daughter's expression turned grave for a moment.

"Could be. And it's true, you're right. We need to consider that Dad has a life in the military in war zones on top of everything else to deal with. Those three years he left us still bug me. With all the trauma our colonist group went through, all the counseling that so many people need, including us, I begin to wonder if something happened to him. You truly have no idea?"

Maureen shook her head. "I know some of his men, previous teammates, have died, but he never talks about it."

"Well, the good thing is that now you're here for him. So, just pay attention, listen to him, try to make him talk if you think you can. Meanwhile, I really believe that this exploring trip is what he needs to reconnect with himself. While yoga will help you to reconnect with yourself."

"I know but…" Maureen shrugged, helplessly.

Judy caught her hand and gave a reassuring squeeze. "But you're used to worrying about everything and everyone around you. This is a habit that will be hard to let go. So you want my opinion? Take a page out of Dad's book and look relaxed. It's a good step in the right direction."

Maureen smiled as Judy held her hand. She appreciated her daughter's words, but she wasn't convinced.

"I'll go running with him when he comes back. That way, I'll know if his knees are a real problem and maybe I'll get him to open, too. What do you think?"

"Sure. He'd love going running with you again. That's one thing he told me that he missed doing a lot."

Maureen took a sip of her coffee, still warm in her hands and billowing smoke. Then, she set her eyes on the green hills while blue birds kept on chirping in the branches of the trees.

Judy was right. She'd left Earth to put all this constant stress and worry behind her, not to live with it here. Besides, John wasn't in a war zone anymore. Will was with the robot and was more resourceful and smarter than she'd ever been at his age; Judy was obviously blooming in all respects, and Penny had stopped being rebellious and invested almost all her time on developing her journalistic skills, commenting on colony life in her own funny, sarcastic style. Her kids' future was bright and peaceful. They had a clear blue sky to admire every morning, beautiful birds to listen to. She had everything she'd always wished for. All the worries and the fears, the regrets, the resentment; there were as many anchors that they'd unconsciously dragged all the way here from Earth. It was time to cut them loose and start enjoying her new life.

The fire crackled and John felt a pleasant warmth on his hands as he swirled his coffee. The students had already disappeared into their tents as had Hiroki. Only Grant was still up, a few meters to his left, installing his tent as close as possible to the chariot. John chuckled. It was the right thing to do though. Previous expeditions had not found any dangerous predators roaming the forest but they were the first to camp so far out.

As Grant crouched next to him, John handed him a cup of coffee.

"Thanks. You're not installing your tent?"

"I don't want anything between me and the sky tonight."

Grant looked up. "Yeah. I admit it's nice, notwithstanding all the unidentified critters we collected today. But I guess, after years in the army, you're completely desensitized to those."

"Navy, but yeah. As long as you don't scratch or squash, they'll just crawl over you and leave."

"Unless they're fire ants, or mosquitoes…"

"Or leeches that's right. But I checked. We're safe."

"I feel better already."

They both chuckled, then fell into a long silence. John tossed a few twigs and leaves into the fire. Grant cleared his throat.

"So there's a question that I've been wanting to ask for quite some time now."

John raised an eyebrow and grinned. They had talked about many things over the past few months, but indeed, there was one topic they'd avoided. "Where could a Navy Seal meet an astronaut?"

"You have a keen mind."

"You're not the first to find the association weird. But to you, I'll tell you the unadorned version: Maureen was sitting next to me."

"Sitting, like in a theater?"

"Oh, I wish, but no. It was something more serious."

"A military-civilian joint conference about a defense facility on the moon? Is there a military base up there now?"

"Sorry pal, your security clearance expired. Anyway, it wasn't about that either. Although it was about a military mission, a general's decision to lead his army across the Delaware in 1776."

John watched as Grant frowned, then smiled as he put two and two together.

"You were in high school together."

"Tranquility High School. Tenth grade, third period, room 105, building 2, Mr. Tolliver. A great APUSH teacher, by the way."

"Highschool sweethearts. I hadn't seen that coming. That's kind of poetic, though."

"Sweethearts, are you joking? Maureen wouldn't give me the time of day back then. She was the smartest person in the school and my only As were in weight lifting. And sadly, she wasn't into baseball either. We weren't exactly what you'd call a match."

"So, you met again years later, at the state fair, maybe?"

"Highschool reunion 2038. Judy was five months old and Maureen had returned home to ask her mom for help while she was job hunting. Marge accepted on one condition."

"That she'd show up at the highschool reunion."

John nodded. "It just happened that I was back home from my first deployment and I thought I'd go have some fun with my old friends again. Although, things are never quite the same as how you left them, are they?"

"That's one way to put it. So, I guess you didn't have as much fun as you anticipated and Maureen was probably wondering what she was doing there too."

"Well, to be fair to my childhood buddies, I was nursing a concussion and couldn't stand to be too close to the speakers blaring music or follow ten threads of gossip at the same time, let alone participate in that orgy of male boasting, fake compliments, and outright bitching. So I was sitting outside, on a bench in the commons where I used to have lunch. Maureen found me there alone, brought me a beer, and said that of all the people she remembered, I was the last one she expected to be an anomaly."

Grant chuckled. So did John. It was nice to think about this evening again.

"I was having some difficulty focusing because of my head, and had no idea if it was an insult or a compliment. But anyway, the imbecilic look on my face didn't seem to bother her at all, and for once she was talking to me, so I wasn't going to send her away."

"Oh, you couldn't have even if you had wanted to. Never stand between an anomaly and Maureen."

"I noticed. She was still so much above everybody else in the room. She'd not only managed to live up to the expectations, she'd blown right through them! Here she was, with her elite career, a baby, and a partner who was the most famous astronaut in history, but of course, because you were dead, the girls couldn't even be mean to her about it. Anyway, we spent an hour naming all the faces in the crowd and guessing what they were doing with their ordinary lives. Which wasn't hard or original. Most were working on their parents' farms or small businesses. A few had lost themselves in paper pushing jobs in Sacramento. Three or four were lawyers or doctors, but none of them had gone beyond the state line. Or the few who had done so were wise enough to stay clear of Boredom Highschool, save for us obviously. It was a nice night, a bit like tonight. A full moon, lots of stars. I walked her back to her mom's ranch, where I met Judy, who was growing some teeth and was hell bent on letting everyone know about it. So I took this tiny little thing in my arms, sat myself on the rocker, and told Maureen that I'd keep watch since my sleep wasn't great in those days anyway. At least I could be useful to someone. But guess what? Judy and I both slept through the night. Best sleep I had in months."

"In a rocker?"

"Yeah, that tells you something, right? Anyway, two days later, I returned to my base in San Diego to resume light duty, while Maureen interviewed for a new job at JPL. She got it, of course. We stayed in touch for the next few months and when things started getting serious between us, Marge, in her own unique way, sealed our fate for better and worse."

"Her mom approved of you?"

"You kidding me? She criticized Maureen for getting infatuated with a soldier who could be killed and leave her alone with kids a second time while she had Judy to care for and her new career to focus on."

Grant laughed. "So Maureen married you to prove her mother wrong?"

John winced a bit. "A part of me still thinks so. But she made me a happy man."

"That's a sweet story. I envy you."

"I'm sorry, man. Me telling you all this. There's nothing fair about it, I know."

"Oh, no, don't feel sorry for me. I made my choice. Like you, I knew the risks when I signed up for the mission and accepted all the consequences, however unforeseen, at that time. And look: here I am, in space, one of the first few privileged to live in the first human colony outside our solar system. That is exactly what I wanted in life. Judy is an unexpected gift on top of all those dreams, one that I'm not certain I deserve. I'm glad you were there for them. I certainly wouldn't have wanted my little girl to grow up without a father and Maureen couldn't have made a better choice."

"Thanks. I'd like to think so too, but, you know, with my job, I wasn't always there for them. To tell you the honest truth, in our last three years on Earth, I wasn't there at all. The world had taken a sharp turn for the worse and the ugly, that's for sure. But it's not something to forget and forgive easily. If Maureen hadn't called me one day to say that she was leaving with the kids for Alpha Centauri within a month, I'd still be there, stuck until–" John clenched his jaw. Until what? He sighed.

"Don't be too hard on yourself. If there's one thing Maureen has always understood, it's commitment."

"Maybe too much. But the kids? Will started first grade by being terrified for me, and he just shut himself down. Now his best friend is a robot and they are god knows where, having fun exploring alien worlds together. The relationship I had with him before I left is gone in smoke. Penny? She evaluates would-be boyfriends with a grid instead of her instinct. She doesn't trust her heart to tell her what matters, how to find the one who will make her feel safe, the one she can trust. Can't say I've been a good role model for her about that. As for Judy, we used to run together and talk about everything before things went mad. Now, all my interactions with her feel more like a doctor's appointment. And Maureen, she walks on eggshells with me nowadays. Like I'm still an anomaly."

"How is her therapy going?"

"Good. She's started yoga and the flute a week ago, so she's a bit more relaxed and happy with herself at the end of the day, that I can tell. She hasn't had any nightmares in the last couple of months, although those things always have ups and downs. Anyway, right now, she's definitely in an up-phase."

"And you?"

John took a sip of his coffee to allow himself a moment before answering. "I've always been more of a flat-line phase kind of guy, with some bumps and holes along the road, not unlike the one from the highway to my parents' farm. As long as it leads you home, who cares how bumpy the ride is?"

"I'd say it depends on if you're driving a tractor, a car, or a motorbike."

John chuckled. "Well, I drive a chariot, so there. What about you? I saw you walking downtown with Angela two days ago."

Grant smiled. "She's a nice woman who's gone through a lot. Got her whole world turned upside down in the most brutal way. Like you said, it creates connections where before there might have been none."

"That's what life is." John said, extending his legs.

"Yep. After all, that's what this colony stands for: a second chance. Look at Maureen. After having her astronaut career grounded because of me, she found a way to realize her dream anyway. It's not the same. She's not on the moon or Mars, which was as far away as she could get from her mom. And I don't think I'm wrong to say that the same applies to you. Of all the kids in your highschool, you were the ones who wanted to do something bigger with your lives than being an extension of your parents' unrealized dreams and daily struggles."

"Although we live on a farm here, too. Kind of ironic, isn't it?"

"Maybe. But that's your farm, for both of you. The one you fought for."

Bled for actually… John stared at the crackling fire as Grant's last words resonated in the dark shadows of his mind, piercing cracks in layers upon layers of difficult, if not painful, memories. Then he remembered the strawberry-smelling markers at the kitchen table, the sunny days at the zoo and the beach, the pretzels in the mall, and all the playful evenings around a campfire, burning s'mores…

"I'm going to call it a night," Grant said as he stood up.

"Sleep tight, don't let the alien bed bugs bite."

Grant laughed and patted him on the back. "You know where my tent is if it starts raining, okay?"

As total silence fell on the camp, John rearranged the wood in the fire, rekindling it to keep it alive through the night, then he lay down and slid his small backpack under his neck. Tonight had been more pleasant than he'd expected, the discussion less awkward than he'd feared.

And it wasn't bad there, lying on his back, staring at the starry sky, which made him remember the evenings around the firepit of his childhood home patio, with his mom, dad, and sister. The difference here was that there was no war raging anywhere on the planet to cast a shadow on their fragile happiness, no money issues. There was no fence, real or imaginary, to keep them in like the cattle they raised. They were alone with a few robots who minded their own business. Their two races had come to a mutual understanding: humans didn't order the robots to serve them in exchange of which the robots agreed not to kill the humans. Not that bad of a bargain, and so far, one that worked.

Grant was right. He was doing what he wanted to do his whole life. To be useful to his community and live outside in the wilderness, with no boundaries, on a planet where he and his family were safer than they had ever been.

On his things-could-be-better-slash-could-be-worse scale, this camping trip with Judy's biological father and Hiroki's students didn't rate that bad. It would even fall in the good memories basket. One that he'd better start filling again because he was at the end of the bumpy road. He was home.