Chapter 18

A feeling unlike anything Scarlett had ever known seemed to overwhelm her during the next few days. She tried to forget her last conversation with Ashley but she couldn't. More than anything else, Scarlett understood the way she thought about people. She always applied her skills like formulae. If one did this and this, one could expect this and that from a person. But to realize that someone else might also think this way was intolerable.. even abominable to her.

Try as she might, after a fortnight, she could no longer put off her grief and tearing up sheet after sheet of letter paper, she finally composed herself enough to write a seething, scornful letter to Rhett. It ran along these lines,

"Recently I realized that whatever praise I gave to you, whatever cherishing hope I had of securing your love has been immature and utterly contemptible. If you ask me now, I tell you, I don't love you. I hate you. I hate you, Rhett Butler, for everything you've done to me. If only I knew.. I don't know why I didn't realize it. You told me so many times before that you were selfish and unscrupulous and I never paid attention. I don't why I didn't.

I never realized that you followed one simple rule of doing the opposite of whatever was expected of you in any situation. Ashley was the one who told me. I am not afraid to mention him anymore. I spoke to Ashley, why shouldn't I? I don't care what you think about it.

Did I ask you to bid for me when I was Charlie's widow? You made it look like as if you did it for me but really you did it for yourself. You purposely dragged me out into the limelight, making me forget my Mother's teachings. You made me look conspicuous. You made the matrons of Atlanta despise me for my conduct.

And leaving me defenceless in Rough and Ready during the war. You said it was because of some kind of noble thought.. but you just ran away. The right thing to do would be to come with me and Melly to Tara and wait out the war but you were so full of yourself that you had to go against the rules and run to war, even if it was in the last gasp.

And getting me that awful wedding ring, those vulgar dresses, egging me to build this house.. Do you think I liked to parade like a slut? I don't. I like to show off my arms and shoulders and maybe a little bosom but I have never wanted or even liked those dresses you bought for me. It made me blush for their vulgarity.. the way they clung to my back showing off every curve. I never said anything because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

And even that night of passion.. the right thing to do would have been to call Ashley to a duel or to divorce me.. but you made love. Even there you had to follow your faithful formula, didn't you? Always go against tradition.. against the general rule. Like a machine.. no feelings.. just the simple, dry formula. I thought there might have been some feelings, good or evil that you harboured about me. But the truth is, you did it all for yourself. You never gave a thought to me.

I have understood you like a book, Rhett Butler. And I hate and despise you.

When I realized I loved you, I thought I would put you up on a pedestal and exalt you to the skies but now I see you don't deserve anything.

You are a monster of selfishness. You've ruined everything.

Scarlett wiped off the angry tears that blotched up the lines and angrily sealed the envelope to be mailed. Once Pork left, she threw herself on her bed and wept bitterly.