Chapter 21

When the first trickle of memories clouded her mind, Scarlett did not know what to make of it. She was at Tara. But she had never felt Tara as she did now. The red earth seemed to vibrate under her feet. She saw the cotton fields, the blood red furrows as if for the first time. The surrounding whispers of the pine forests, the blue sky and the waving magnolias. Their appearance did not lose or gain their brilliance according to her moods but instead, they were calling her to them, offering her a serenity she had known only when she was a little girl. She felt strange that she should remember all this again. That memory of chasing after a stray chicken, she bleakly remembered her childhood fascination of watching chickens lay eggs and leaving droppings everywhere and people coming to collect them and putting them in baskets and scattering them amongst the young cotton plants. She remembered asking somebody what they were doing but she felt she already knew the answer. Nothing was wasted on a plantation. Everything was used for everything else. She remembered being fascinated by the idea of using and reusing resources.

Another vague memory rose of herself as a little girl, following the open line of drain water from her plantation home in vivid curiosity and coming upon a group of scantily clad black women about to take their baths from a tub of water. The water flowed right past the women and Scarlett remembered asking them where it all went. The women laughed so hard and one of them took her by the hand and pointed to her a large pit that had been dug several miles away. Scarlett instantly tried to break into a run and was pulled back rather roughly. "No, Miss. Scarlett. Mist. Gerald would sell us if her knew we let his daughter poking around here. You had better go on home, Miss. Scarlett."

Tara was calling her again. Tara was calling her to be spontaneous and free. Tara was a bed of spontaneity.

Suddenly Scarlett, to her greatest surprise remembered her honeymoon in New Orleans with Rhett. She had been wildly spontaneous and free then. He had been so amused by it.

"But that wasn't really me" she thought, confused and irritated by the frightening feelings this connection seemed to create. Something had changed her. She could sense it now. It was after the war, just when Mother died and Pa had lost his mind.

Something had changed her forever then. And the realization that the answer was not far ahead struck Scarlett's heart cold with dread and fear.

Then one day, it happened.

She was leaning against a wooden post in the drawing room of her plantation home and she wasn't really thinking anything at all. But the pose seemed unusual for her since she was always moving about the house entertaining guests or attending to her own affairs. She was leaning very lightly, resting her head on the solid frame. Her eyes were trained on the view outside the front porch. Suddenly she saw Mammy come out of the kitchen, her arms swinging and sweat on her brow. Mammy saw her and immediately stood very still.

Scarlett looked at her.

Then she smiled inwardly. Mammy sees me quieter than usual and perhaps even sadder than usual and she is worried about me. She thinks I might be losing my head over the business with Rhett. Then she smiled smugly. Mammy is feeling disgusted that I, Scarlett O'Hara, the liveliest belle in the County have taken to just lazing about the house. She feels disgusted and she might just speak her mind just now. She feels confused and disgusted at the same time.

She grinned impishly at Mammy and then that grin froze on her face.

Now she knew. Now she knew what had changed her.