Chapter 56
Scarlett returned late that evening to her hotel. It was a small, quaint little place that looked out over the Charleston Harbor. Her feet were swollen in her shoes from walking over the sea forts and she had a faint headache. She slipped off her boots and sank into bed, her eyelids dropping in fatigue. But instead of sleep, her old nightmare came back again. At first, as Scarlett ran through the mist, she seemed to wonder in shock at how she could dream this dream again. It was returning after such a long time. Why was it appearing again? And there were things reaching at her from the fog and she was running and searching for safety. Scarlett cried in her sleep and woke up upset and afraid. She quickly lighted the oil lamp and sat up in her bed. A window nearby was open and sea breeze blew the curtains of her room. She wandered over to the window and looked out. She saw several ships moored at the harbor and a few out at sea.
Suddenly tears brimmed her eyes as she remembered Maybelle's words about how everyone in Atlanta were thinking badly of her. Or something akin to that. She thought about how she had relied on Rhett's strength to see her through everything. And now he was gone and she had no one. The tears fell softly down her cheek and she cried till her heart ached.
Then suddenly as her tears subsided, she frowned and remembered having spent too much time walking along the walls of Fort Moultrie and having missed her boat to Castle Pinckney. She remembered waiting in the hot sun with just a little veil to cover her face and then, she remembered having missed her lunch. She put her hand to her stomach and could feel her tummy rumbling with hunger. Feeling embarassed, she walked over to her side table to see if the steward had cleared away all her sandwiches from the morning. The side table was empty and wiped clean. Now Scarlett was truly hungry and she quickly rummaged her bag, looking for something to eat. She found an apple and began to eat it. As she ate, she smiled to herself at her own silliness. She had missed her lunch and even her evening tea. No wonder she had the dream! But it wasn't hunger! Oddly enough, she had had a wonderful day! She remembered the only other day just like this one being the last day of her honeymoon when Rhett had been angry with her and she had eaten that huge lobster for dinner. She had been out all day that day too.
Then she remembered having angered Rhett the night before. What had they been fighting over? Oh yes.. Ashley! Scarlett vaguely remembered that fight. Why had she been so cross with Rhett? She should have cleared the air about Ashley and herself. Why couldn't she have just-
"But I thought I had loved Ashley then" she told herself, dazedly, as if in a dream. "Oh what a mistake that was. I lost Rhett because of that-"
Now she remembered how her decision to love Ashley and torment Ashley led her to have married Charles, move out from Tara to Aunt Pitty's house, support Melanie, and -
"That was three more mouths to feed..and all of Melanie's soldiers- And all the losses in Ashley's Mill-"
And all her fiercest and most bitter arguments with Rhett had been regarding Ashley Wilkes. She wondered why that had ever happened so. She wondered why she had been so critical of Rhett. Yes, Rhett had been exasperating. But her words had been rather cruel and that too over Ashley. She should have made up with Rhett just then. She should have talked to him when he came in drunk instead of strutting away coldly. She should have stopped herself from deepening their conflicts. Now she remembered how many times her Mother and Mammy had called her attention to the feelings of others. They had preached and chastised her so much during her early years that she simply turned off that little voice in her that told her to stop prolonging difficult arguments, to sit down and listen to other people's feelings.. She had turned off that part of herself. And now it was showing up in strange ways.
She wondered why she had never addressed Rhett's drinking and constant smoking. Why hadn't she ever pointed out the outlandishness of his ideas? Yes, they were good ideas in theory but they were terrible in practise. No wonder Rhett didn't have meaningful experiences-
Here she stopped and yawned. She walked back to her bed and fell asleep the instant her head sunk into the softness of her pillows.