Chapter 65
"You remember that night, after Melanie's big reception for Ashley? You were so drunk and I told you that you were jealous of something you couldn't understand about me and Ashley? Well Rhett, I still stand by that. It isn't because of anything too intellectual or even poetic as you would think it to be." Scarlett smiled as she said, "All I meant was the real details. See, Ashley was my long time neighbour. I've seen Ashley since he was a small boy and he has seen me and we have played together a few times since children. And while there had never been anything, we both knew Clayton County very well. We both attended the same barbeques, the same balls, the same boat rides, the same picnics by the river, the same fox hunts- So, when Ashley opened up about the past, it was something real- it wasn't just a ruse to get me to love him or want him. We were re-living memories which were real to us- a detail which you never considered, Rhett. You keep looking into the invisible so much that you left out the real details."
Rhett's face looked expressionless but Scarlett could sense that he might be vaguely annoyed.
"And again, throughout our own relationship, you never properly considered the details of anything. Remember when you left me at Rough and Ready? While I don't mind you rushing off to fight in the war, when you left me you said I had changed and you didn't know why- why? Because Pa had lost his mind, my Mother had died, our plantation was ruined, Twelve Oaks and the Tarleton farm burnt to the ground and I was expected to till the ground, plant seeds, pick cotton- These skills are actual skills- and I wasn't raised like this. I was raised entirely to depend on men. We were to appear happy, healthy, demure and sweet- everything a proper Southern Belle should be. The skills we learnt were only dancing, singing, playing the piano- I stripped all that away and worked hard like a field-hand only because I had some distorted sense of personal feeling and I believed Ashley would make all this worthwhile- that he was the one true meaning of my life."
"Your reasoning is flawed-" said Rhett.
"Reasoning?" asked Scarlett. "My dear, this is desperation- This is how I came to you at the jail. Yet, you played a nasty trick on me and behaved as though you knew everything that there is to know about me while leaving this one detail. You saw my hands, didn't you? You realized that I had worked hard like a field-hand. Did you ever realize how much I would have been affected by it?"
"But you had my money after that, didn't you?"
"Yes, but did you ever tell me that what I had done to save Tara- to save the family in those dry days had been worth while? Could any man ever make me feel that I had done something good? There's the limit of the Southern gentleman for you-"
"All right Scarlett, I guess my chivalry in some way might have been a little patronizing-"
"It was! All you said was, here's my money, go and be happy- and you expected me to love you in return, all the while denying that you ever loved me-"
Rhett let out a short breath. He looked calm and yet he looked uncomfortable.
"I know I wasn't a very good wife. I shouldn't have hurt you so much. That was the thing I truly learnt. I was always trying to tear people down, but I guess you can never improve a person who is already deeply wounded. I can't heal wounds. Only God can do that. So, I could have been kinder and gentler- And I am going to be- That's why I want a baby-"
Rhett looked taken aback and then dispassionate. "I admire your honest, my dear- I even admire your understanding- But thunderation Scarlett, I couldn't go through the same life again- Nothing could ever bring back-"
"Rhett, listen- I don't mind all this growing and changing but it's only because I want my family to have some meaning- Now that all this had happened, I realize I do want to be a good mother- I believe in having fun with my children, in teaching them to explore the world and experience things- I do believe in caring for others, in looking out for each other-"
"You could never do it-"
"I would love to try- Don't you see that we have hurt each other by telling the truth so much that we actually could start telling pretty lies?"
"Another child- some happy years and the past would be forgotten and we would be happy again?" asked Rhett, with a grin.
"Yes" said Scarlett, her green eyes glimmering. "Why not , my darling? Why should everything always have to be so glaring and so honest?"
"This wouldn't be your attempts at capturing the happiness of our early years, would it? I hope you are considering the kind of man you are asking this to-" asked Rhett, peering at her carefully.
"Of course I am", said Scarlett, quietly.
Rhett drew in his breath and looked away. "Why about Johnnie Gallagher?"