As he sat up in his bed, Kazuma could already feel some residing weight past the usual grogginess that accompanied a less than restful night. There was an emotional weight, an evident sting in his chest and a lack of motivation that made it so damn hard for him to even stand up. It felt like it was going to be a start of one of those days, the first he'd had since he'd arrived in this different world.
"Fucking goddamnit…" Kazuma groaned into his hands as he roughly slid them down his face. His go-to "remedy" for days like these was to distract himself with anime and video games like always, even if they were slightly less effective when he was feeling the way he was now. Unfortunately, that wasn't exactly an option given his current position. And it wasn't like he could just lie in bed all day as much as his thoughts wanted him to; he was a Demon General in training, he essentially had a job now.
Over the next ten minutes, he slogged through getting dressed, and making himself look even remotely presentable. After that, it was just a matter of making the trek through the halls for the morning meeting...but even that ended up being sluggish and dull, with Kazuma only arriving a minute or so before they were set to begin.
Unsurprisingly, everyone was already seated and obviously not waiting up on him or anything. Kazuma briefly took notice of Vanir's presence at the table, much to his subdued chagrin. That masked devil practically went out of his way to be a nuisance to the rookie ever since he arrived, feasting on the negative emotions that followed in the process. The only good thing about Vanir in Kazuma's mind was how he was often away to do his own things since King Kage apparently had a laissez-faire policy with that general in particular.
Kazuma didn't know why and, right now, he didn't care as he was too busy stewing over the fact the asshole decided to show up today of all days.
King Kage greeted him politely, as did most of the other generals for a change, but it was still all numb to Kazuma as he simply nodded in return and flashed a forced smile. With that, the meeting commenced, not that he caught most of it. He ended up spacing out a few times, but the broad strokes were that nothing too dire had cropped up in recent times, so they were mainly free to spend the day however they liked.
In spite of his…current disposition, Kazuma did manage a small but genuine smile over the prospect. Granted, he would probably just spend his free day quietly sulking in his room until he passed out from his own internal exhaustion…and just like that, his momentary good mood evaporated from the sweltering heat of nasty thoughts bouncing around in his head. Typical.
Soon enough the meeting was adjourned, and Kazuma rose from the table with a restrained frown, not quite sure what the rest of his day was going to consist of outside of moping. However, he barely even made it to the threshold of the room before a hand gripped his shoulder, stopping him momentarily.
"Kazuma, are you feeling alright?" Sylvia queried politely, whatever potential retort the young man had prepared dying as he realized who it was, turning to face and noticing the concern evident on her face. "You don't look like yourself right now, and you seem terribly subdued. Is something wrong?"
"Oh, uh, I'm fine, Sylvia. Just not a morning person like usual. You know how it is," Kazuma insisted with a smile he prayed didn't come off as too forced. It'd be easier for everybody involved if he kept this side of him to himself and waited for the storm to pass in private. "But hey, at least I can catch a few more hours of sleep now that we have nothing going on today."
There was a beat of silence as Sylvia stared him down, eyes slowly narrowing less in an accusing fashion, and more so that of concentration. Eventually, she crossed her arms and tilted her head to him, telling him without a word that she didn't quite buy his story.
"Honey, I've dated, slept with, and assimilated many men and women in my day. So much so that I've gotten to know most humans inside and out, be it as a consular or a shoulder to cry on. I can tell something's troubling you and I just want to make sure it's nothing serious. If nobody else, you can trust me with your problems, I promise not to judge…"
Kazuma weighed his options silently, shifting from foot to foot as he did so. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't have even considered sharing, since life had taught him thus far that people typically weren't interested in listening to someone bitch and moan over feeling awful. Still, he trusted Sylvia, and most of the generals quite a bit more than many of the people he had back home. Maybe...maybe it was worth a shot, just this once…
"Well…" He started slowly, hyping himself up to share his darkest, innermost secret with another person. "It's just that…for the longest time I've been- -"
"Is this cougar trying to snatch you up again, little man?"
Whatever profound truth Kazuma had been moments away from sharing was instantly destroyed as he turned and looked at Hans, who apparently decided now was the best time to tap in and be...well, himself. While the young man's expression tethered between apathy and utter disbelief over his timing, Sylvia looked far more agitated, maybe even far enough to say furious.
"Is your ego so needy that you feel you have to be a part of everyone's private conversations?" Sylvia all but hissed at Hans who simply blinked at his fellow general, almost as if he didn't know what he had done wrong. "Kazuma and I were having a moment before you so rudely interrupted us."
"Ah...sorry, then? Ain't like I'm Vanir, Syl, I don't do the mindreading shit. Cut me some slack." Hans huffed with a roll of his eyes, before turning to Kazuma and quirking an eyebrow, approaching the subject with about as much tact as could be expected of him. "So, what's got you two all serious? You dyin' or somethin'?"
"…no, just tired still," Kazuma deadpanned, stifling a yawn as he wasn't exactly lying about feeling lethargic. "I'm going back to bed now. I'll see you guys later…"
"Now wait a second, alright! No need to be hasty." Hans interjected, half out of desire for self-preservation with how fearsome Sylvia's current glare was, but also because he had grown a bit more fond of the newest general. "Look, I'm not great with humans, but maybe all you need to perk up is a kick in the pants! Y'know, get your blood pumpin' and all!"
"Uh, no offense, Hans, but physical workouts aren't exactly high on my fun list," Kazuma admitted lamely, shifting his feet impatiently and uncomfortably. "I'd think I'd rather just do something low-maintenance; I'm not really feeling all that 'active' today."
"Not a workout, genius. I mean something exciting, something to raise your spirits!" Hans elaborated, tapping his chin in consideration. "Y'know, a while back Serena kicked off a prank war since we kept getting on her case. Never quite got payback for her antics...you could give us an advantage, though."
The nauseating sea of nasty thoughts were starting to flood his mind, and Kazuma was gradually becoming more and more uncomfortable the longer he stuck around despite knowing his comrades only had the best intentions. Why did they have to be so…invested in his life?
"Yeah, um, not sure if I'm up for tarnishing the goodwill I've been building with Serena lately," Kazuma relented truthfully. "Having just one general tormenting me is enough, I don't need to go back to having two."
"Everything alright over here?" A new voice chimed in, making Kazuma's anxiety increase further as the armored form of Beldia drew closer, his head tucked under his arm as usual while he approached. "I do hope you three are on your best behavior, day off or not. I don't imagine Akarui or Wolbach are in a mood to clean up any more of our messes."
The dullahan's helmeted head somehow managed to produce sweat beads under Sylvia's increasingly infuriated stare, carefully raising his free hand up to try and placate the chimera.
"W-what? If this is about my rolling my head under women's skirts, I'll have you know that I've long since kicked that bad habit! And it has nothing to do with the fact that Wiz has moved to that novice town of adventurers and hasn't been around as much lately…"
"Look, as riveting as it would be to dive into everything interesting in that statement, I really should just head back to bed…" Kazuma insisted, at a loss for a more solid excuse and at this point just desperate to get out of there before something important slipped out. "You guys have a good day off, alright? You know where to find me."
The three generals didn't say anything to try and stop Kazuma's departure, leaving the broken young man to assume they must've figured it was best to let him be for the time. Of course, some unsavory voices in the back of his head spun a grandiose web of lies that tried to convince him that they simply lost interest and didn't really care to begin with. Growling to himself out of a combined sense of frustration and sadness, Kazuma hurried down the halls back to his room, paying no mind to the various demon guards on patrol. All he wanted right now was to get to his bed without any further interruptions.
Of course, life couldn't let him off easy. As he emerged into the last hall, so very close to the solitude/confinement of his room, there stood Akarui and Serena, chatting away about who knows what. Really, it shouldn't have worried him, it wasn't like either of them were intensely social creatures. He just had to slip by without being noticed…
"Ah, Kazuma. Quiet as an Eris church mouse I see," Serena noted idly, nearly making the boy's heart skip just when he thought he was in the clear. "Akarui and I were thinking about getting some breakfast from the mess hall. You're welcome to join us if you wish."
"Uh...afraid that's gonna be a hard pass on my end." He managed after a moment, glancing at the door before he continued, recognizing he was so very close to his simultaneous salvation and suffering. "Not feeling too hot at the moment, so I was just planning on going back to bed…"
Unsurprisingly, the dark priestess and spawn of the Devil King were quick to pick up on Kazuma's subtle shift in behavior. As the two women were older than him and had plenty more experience interacting with the outside world, it was no wonder that they too would sense his ever so slightly more reclusive attitude. He was somehow both grateful and resentful of them because of it.
"I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well." Akarui asked, though she didn't move to stop the young man like the others had, recognizing his discomfort from a mile away and choosing to have a bit more tact. "If you ever need to talk, or just be around people...my door is always open to you."
That's probably the most real I've ever seen of her, Kazuma mused internally, slightly caught off guard by his mentor's soft spot for him. But, of course, his mind just had to twist and mangle the revelation in a way which made him feel unnecessarily guilty, so before the mask could slip, he mumbled a quiet thank you to Akarui before sliding himself back into his room undisturbed.
As the door closed behind him and he slunk back over to his bed, Kazuma couldn't help but feel his relief instantly vanish back into the intense apathy that overwhelmed him on days like this. He could have had help, could have talked to someone...but he chose not to, because it was easier that way. Now he just needed to tough it out.
But in a cruel twist of fate, despite genuinely feeling exhausted, Kazuma could not for the life of him will himself back to painless sleep. He spent who knows how long tossing and turning while doing his best to drown out the dull white noise of horrible thoughts buzzing in his skull like angry flies. And since he had no TV or video games or any other such modern-day luxuries to busy himself with, Kazuma was left feeling more hopeless than usual, and a part of him was scared that this would be the official breaking point for him.
"Ugh, getting sader by the second. This is worse than I thought."
Off the unexpected voice, Kazuma released a less than manly squawk of fear and tumbled out of bed, panic briefly overtaking the numbness he'd been feeling up until this point as he whipped around looking for where that voice came from...ultimately falling upon a familiar masked devil.
"Oh – fucking HELL, Vanir! Thought you'd at least have enough decency to knock before entering!" Kazuma cursed, growing more agitated over the proud smirk resting on the general's face as he helped himself to some fresh embarrassment. "Nearly gave me a damn heart attack!"
"Oh, please. You humans are always so overdramatic." The demon huffed with a dismissive wave of his hand, pointedly ignoring the offended look on the young man's face as he crossed his arms. "If it's any consolation, I don't wish for me to be here anymore than you do, but I believe a little "heart-to-heart" is required, as you people say."
"That would imply you have a heart to begin with," Kazuma remarked coldly, thinly-veiled disdain apparent in his tone. "Look, I know you're just here to get under my skin and feed off my negativity, but can we take a rain check? I just want to get some sleep- -"
"Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't even be in this room. There are better opportunities for coaxing negative emotions than just you, you know." The demon interjected, his tone becoming bizarrely serious as his smile slipped away. "Unfortunately for both of us, your current condition requires attention."
Kazuma's eyes widened in a bout of momentary fear before he quickly remembered an important detail about the Archduke of Hell. "Oh, right, mind reader. Nothing ever truly gets past you, does it?"
"Oh, a bit deeper than that, I'm afraid." Vanir replied, his serious expression and demeanor not faltering. "You see, for all intents and purposes, I do not enjoy suffering. Embarrassment, anger, momentary sadness, they're all fine and dandy, but true suffering...I have no taste for it."
"Yeah? Well tough luck, buddy, this isn't something that's just going to go away anytime soon. So long as I'm alive, you better learn to adapt your 'palate'," Kazuma huffed, turning around and intent on burying himself in his covers…only to be stopped by a gloved hand holding him in place by his shoulder. "…what now?"
"Satou, as much as it pains me to say it - and I assure you, it's truly agonizing - I must confess that I'm concerned over your current state. It isn't healthy." Vanir remarked, forcing the young man to actually pause for a moment and listen, because there's no way he heard that right. "The clinic attached to our fortress can assist you with treatment. There is no tried and true cure for your condition, but things can get easier with proper treatment."
And just like that, the irritation left Kazuma's being, leaving him with only the all-too-familiar biting emptiness he had come to accept. Vanir suppressed a grimace as the bitter taste of despair entered his mouth again. Even so, he wasn't planning on leaving until he got his desired result, which he predictably did when Kazuma – in a tone of voice reflective of his current state – spoke once more.
"You probably already foresaw my decision before you even came into my room, didn't you?"
"Oh, please, you think too highly of me. I can't crack every code in that frightening little mind of yours." Vanir snarked, before releasing the young man's shoulder and starting for the door, pausing as his hand landed on the handle and sighing, tilting his head to face the young man again. "Help yourself, Satou. Not just for my sake, but for your own."
On that note, Vanir let himself out, leaving Kazuma with nothing but his parting advice. He sat on the foot of his bed as he mulled the demon's words over. Of course, realistically speaking, he absolutely should take advantage of the resources available to him; he had no reason not to, for crying out loud! And yet…he hesitates, be it because of his condition or out of his own sense of fear of opening up to a stranger about an issue as serious as this. But if someone like Vanir was willing to go out of his way to advise professional help…
"Ugh, that is the most unfortunate wake up call to receive. Ever. Of all time." He groaned to himself, before steeling himself the best he could and walking out of his room, intent to make one last pit stop before he headed in the clinic. As embarrassing as this all was, he didn't want to go alone, and there was only one person he expected to be truly discreet about this.
Arriving at the large, sturdy double oak doors, Kazuma knocked first before a low "Enter…" magically undid the locks, allowing him to push the doors open. Walking into the vast throne room was always a visually powerful experience for the young man, doubly so as the black mist that shrouded the floor gave a temporary boost to his stats. The source of said mist emanated from the good king himself, who sat on his throne holding a book in one hand while wearing reading glasses. Admittedly, an amusing juxtaposition given the setting and buildup.
King Kage quickly took notice of his visitor and smiled, placing a bookmark on the page he was on to focus solely on Kazuma.
"Ah, hello Kazuma! What an unexpected surprise!" He greeted warmly, easing Kazuma's nerves ever so slightly. However, when he noticed the look on Kazuma's face, he did grow a bit more serious. "Are you quite alright? You look a bit pale."
Despite the generous power boost provided to him by Kage's black mist, Kazuma still didn't feel like he was up to the herculean task ahead of him. Nevertheless, this was bound to happen sooner or later, so might as well rip the band-aid off now.
"Actually…no, I'm not alright," Kazuma admitted pathetically, casting his gaze down so he didn't have to look his boss in the eye. "In fact, you could say I'm the opposite of alright. And I have been for a very long time, long before I found myself popping into this world. Because the truth is…I-I…I think I'm suffering from depression…"
The confession hung in the air for a moment, as serious as a death sentence. Kazuma kept his gaze fixed on the floor as he heard the Devil King rise from his throne, lumbering over and stopping just in front of him, before addressing him in a tone that was far too understanding and patient for him to handle.
"I'm deeply sorry to hear that, Kazuma. I know it wasn't easy for you to come to me and admit that, but I'm actually very glad you did. That took a lot of bravery on your end, and I'm proud of you for it. If it's not too much to ask…how long have you had to battle these personal demons of yours? Don't answer if you don't want to, I just want to see if I can get a sense of the bigger picture."
"I...I can't say for sure when it started, I've had it for a long time." Kazuma admitted quietly, shifting from foot to foot as he forced himself to look up at the king. "The first time I can say it got really bad was in middle school, though. Everything just got harder, the oppressive feelings festered and hit harder."
Kage nodded calmly like the father he was, giving his full attention to Kazuma's explanation. Pretty soon, he removed his reading glasses and knelt before the young man, placing his hand on his shoulder to give it a gentle but firm squeeze as he looked him squarely in the eye.
"I'm going to let you in on a little secret, one that only my daughter and Vanir knows about. Heh, not that you can get much by him anyway," The king chuckled lightly, though there was suddenly a noticeable dimness in his eyes and following tone that Kazuma didn't notice up until now. It was faint but…all too familiar, nonetheless. "I'm depressed too, Kazuma. Have been ever since the crown was thrust upon me. I understand your pain; understand it all too well myself…"
Kazuma…didn't know what to say. He was left slightly taken aback at his boss – the Devil King's heartfelt confession. Granted, Kage already defied the stereotypical conventions of a dark lord with his laidback and optimistic attitude, but that only surprised Kazuma more when he let slip that he was going through the very same pain he was. Now it was almost as though there was a sort of…kinship between the two hurt souls. It may not have been the most wonderful thing in the world to connect over, but it was something they could relate to on a personal level now.
"How do you do it..?" He eventually managed softly, elaborating on the king's head tilt of evident confusion. "I mean, you rule over a kingdom, manage an army, just...live life and enjoy yourself...how on earth do you have that strength?"
"Well, the truth is, it's different for everyone, son. However, a good technique I've come to practice is recognizing when you feel like you're folding in on yourself and doing something about it right away," Kage offered pointedly, causally wrapping his arm around Kazuma's shoulders and bringing him into a side hug, one which he did not object. "I take the recommended amount of my prescribed elixirs and focus my attention on something that needs to get done. Like my reading for instance! It's been a damn year and I still haven't gotten around to finishing this stupid book already. Seeing as how today's a slow day for the kingdom, I figured I'd finally play catch up. But like I said, that's just me and how I go about dealing with it. It's all about telling the right people and finding which coping mechanism works best for you."
"I guess that makes sense...I just wish it was easier to sort out what worked and what doesn't." Kazuma muttered, before shaking his head and shelving the subject for another time in the near future. "A-anyway, the reason I came to you over this is that...I want to start getting treatment, but I didn't want to go alone."
"Say no more, Kazuma. I'd be more than happy to accompany you while you take that first big step. Believe me when I say sorting out matters such as these shouldn't be done alone," Kage said, standing upright and gently nudging the young man to follow him out of the throne room. "Come, let us depart. You'll encounter fewer interruptions with a king by your side, no?"
Despite everything, Kazuma did manage a small smile and chuckle over that one as they departed the throne room, heading down to the attached clinic together. It was a long morning, admittedly, with a lot of prescriptions and symptoms, but eventually they got a firm baseline going forward as for what treatment would work best for him.
As the two made their way out of the castle's clinic sector, Kazuma worked up the nerve to ask, "Hey, uh, boss? I'm wondering: is this something I should bring to light with the other generals? On one hand, I feel private matters should be kept private for a reason. But on the other…I don't know, it doesn't feel right to not tell them. I guess I'm just worried they're going to treat me different or baby me or see me as the weakest link or- -"
"Take a moment, Kazuma. Breathe, sort yourself." The King instructed, noticing how the young man was getting worked up and taking a moment to reassure him. "You don't have to tell anyone about this if you're not comfortable with it. However, I would like to think that my generals have the dignity to treat your condition with the respect and care it deserves."
Kazuma took some deep breaths and calmed down enough to think it over for himself. His fellow generals have gotten considerably friendlier with him ever since taking an arrow for Serena, there was no doubt about that. Hell, there concerned reactions to his behavior today further emphasized the significance of this. Still…
"…I get the feeling your daughter probably already knows what I'm going through," Kazuma finally said after a beat. "She even said her door was open if I needed to talk. I guess…if nobody else…I'll bring it up to her and see where it goes from there. She is my mentor, I think she of all people at least has the right to know."
"I certainly concur. Akarui will handle the subject with the utmost maturity, I know as much for certain." Kage replied with a small smile, nodding in agreement as they continued walking. "As I said before, you only have to share this with those you trust. I understand how difficult it can be to discuss these things, but a certain level of trust is required between comrades, on and off the battlefield."
"Right…right, I can't argue with that logic," Kazuma agreed, nodding softly to himself before looking back up to what he may very well consider his own father figure in a sense. "Hey, thanks for taking time out of your day to help me with this. Guess us depressed people gotta stick together, huh?"
"I suppose so, yes. One could certainly ask for worse company." Kage chuckled warmly, before coming to a halt as they reached the entrance to his throne room. "Well, I suppose this is where we part ways for now. Again, if you ever have any questions or need any help, my daughter and I are here for you."
"Will do. Again, thank you Kage-sama," Kazuma expressed generously with a small bow.
"Please, I already told you the honorifics are unnecessary. Just Kage is fine when we're not on the clock," Kage insisted with a knowing wink and smirk. "I may be the Devil King, but I like to try and keep my life separate from my work, you know?"
"I'll keep that in mind for the future...Kage." Kazuma replied, still a bit uncertain about being so comfortable with such a loose greeting but willing to give it a chance anyways. "See you for dinner later?"
"I wouldn't dare miss it," Kage chuckled warmly before opening the doors back to his throne room. "Take care, Kazuma. You're not alone in this. You have allies and resources available. Don't hesitate to reach out."
Kazuma nodded in response, and for once, it wasn't an idle dismissal. Maybe it was the first dose of his current prescribed elixir, or maybe it really did just feel that good to know someone was in your corner, but he finally felt like he really did have people he could trust and rely on.
And on that uplifting note, Kazuma set out to Akarui's room. A long discussion between trusted mentor and pupil was soon to take place.