Chapter 94

They spent the next night in a quieter fashion. Rhett was lying on the bed and smoking his cigar and Scarlett was combing her hair. All day, she had a wonderful outing with the family. Rhett hadn't joined them. He had gone of by himself to God knows where. And when they had returned, they had found him in the library asleep. He had wanted her with him that night. So, as Scarlett combed her hair, she began to speak casually,

"Rhett, I was wondering something-"

"Yes, my pet?" asked Rhett.

"You told me yesterday that you thought I had innocently planned to bait Ashley-"

"I don't remember anything I said. I don't want to be held on to those points"

Scarlett put down her brush and came closer. But she was hardly irritated. She knew something of Rhett's ways now. "Well, I wasn't going to accuse you. I thought it was very clever of you to see me that way- But I do get muddled, Rhett- You remember that night after Melanie's reception for Ashley, that.. that wild night-"

A glow came into Rhett's eyes but he still continued smoking.

Scarlett went behind the bed out of Rhett's sight for she was dying with shame at her own brave idea.

"Well, we did so many things, Rhett. Of course, we had other wild nights too- when you came to see me, but never one like that. Is.. Is that what you learnt at Belle's saloon?"

Rhett began to laugh and he stayed quiet.

Scarlett waited for a beat. "Well?"

"Why don't you come here? I want to look at you when you say things like that."

Scarlett bristled at once. "Then you'll go off laughing that I liked those things. I just want to know what its all about, that's all. I asked you a simple question."

"No, madam. You are not going to get answers for that because you will take it and fit it into your little girl notions on what fidelity, marriage is- I have already writhed under your judgements. I won't be teased again!"

Scarlett came from behind the bed and nervously climbed on the sheets. "No. I won't do that. Don't you trust me? It's just that I have this silly idea that this is what men like you do in places like that-"

Rhett laughed louder this time. "Why don't you just ask me that you want to know about it- Say those words, Scarlett- I want to see you blush a hundred times."

"You're being nasty!"

"And you're being proud and its not even necessary here-"

He went on smoking and Scarlett sat beside him, annoyed and frustrated. After a while, she couldn't bear to stay like that. She flushed hard and said in a defeated voice that she wanted to know-

"That's more like it!" said Rhett. "Take off your clothes and I'll show you what you want to know."

Soon Scarlett was lying next to him, completely naked. "Well?" she asked, under his gaze, completely frightened.

"Now, you stop having this idea that you somehow have to be made to submit to pleasure. This is your body and if you allow it, you can feel all kinds of feelings. But these are softer feelings. Not harsh like that wild night that you have etched in your memory."

Scarlett's heart was beating faster and faster.

"Now, look-" Rhett leaned in and ran his fingers along her neck to her middle. She shuddered at once. "Don't do that" he said, sharply. "Just breathe harder. Breathe slower. Now, can you feel some pleasant sensation-"

Scarlett breathed slower and longer. Suddenly she could feel several tiny sensations racing through her body. "Oh!" she said, with surprise.

"Now, I didn't go anywhere near you. I am only lightly grazing your skin. But you are calm so you can feel the sensations better and because you can feel better, you might feel calmer-"

"Oh, yes- I see!"

"Now, is there anything sinful about that?" Rhett's eyes were twinkling with merriment.

Scarlett opened her eyes and smiled. "Oh no, not at all."

Rhett smiled and sat back in his bed.

"Is.. Is that all?" asked Scarlett, surprised.

"Why don't you practice by yourself? You keep tensing up yourself-"

"I'll look silly doing this by myself."

"Then you will never know it, will you?"

"Is this what you did in Belles's saloon?"

"What a leading question, my love. Now, you do this first and then I'll teach you other tricks. Keep moving your hands and find out where you feel pleasure."

Scarlett kept moving her hands but her eyes kept diverting to Rhett. She could not believe he could sit there so fully composed and not wanting to kiss her or even look at her. Then suddenly she remembered feeling something in the palms of her hands and she started rubbing the insides of her hands and wrist. This felt pleasant too. With a wave of feeling, she sat up in a thrill.

"Where are you going?" asked Rhett, amused.

"Oh, I don't know. I just feel-"

"Relaxed? Happy?"

"Yes. But it feels so wonderful. Is this all right? Why can't you tell me anything about the saloon or even about Belle? What happened to her?"

"She sold off her saloon. I didn't have much to do with it. I told you she was raising a son and this was not the kind of thing she wanted to do all the time-"

"Why not? I thought-"

"You think a lot of things that society wants you to think. You think that she became an evil Madame overnight. She was just a person I met when I came to the town. She looked like a nice sort of girl and I wanted to help her out. I didn't tell her what to do with her money. I only gave it to her because she seemed to need it. And she ran the business. I don't care about any of that-"

"But you must have been with-"

A grim expression set in on Rhett's face. "You never cared about that before. Why bother about it now?!"

"Nothing I- I just wanted to know what happened. You seem to know so much more than me."

"Have you ever thought that that was all right. Maybe it is all right for me to know. Listen, you can't fix everything that happened-"

Suddenly his face twisted a little, as if a pang of pain seemed to twist his heart.

"Did you love her?"

"Why do you ask that? Do you care that I did?"

Scarlett looked sad. She turned away and lay down with her back to him. After a while, she felt his lips on her hair and she shook her head to move away. "No, I don't want that. I don't want you to keep me happy. I don't mind being sad for these things. Not like you. I can't understand you at all. "

"Then if you don't like it, you better get out!" snapped Rhett, in irritation.

Scarlett was in tears. She buried her face in the pillow in quiet sobs. When she turned around, Rhett was no longer near her. He was standing by the open window, looking out and smoking.

Somehow the tears had made her calm down. She turned back and began to run her fingers over her stomach and neck. She found the sensations even more wonderful and soothing. Yes, Rhett was right about this. She was still doing this when she saw Rhett come up to her and watch her. He seemed to be satisfied that she had decided to do this and sitting beside her, he asked her to get up and taking one of her breasts, he rubbed his fingers a little and then pinched hard. She yelled out and slapped his hand away.

"You can do that to yourself too-" said Rhett. "It feels painful but it also helps you feel more-"

"I know all about this. You've done these things to me before and so have I."

"Yes, but it doesn't have to be in the height of emotional drama. You could simply do it. You seem to disguise all these things under categories like sin, lust, desires of the flesh- and you are worried all the time if you are overstepping some line. But let me tell you, dearest, the more you don't know these things, the more you are starving yourself."

"Starving myself?! I'm not hungry!"

"No. I am not talking about food. I mean the stress of life. The thing that makes you get up in the morning and worry about what to do and who to impress. The thing that makes you dart around like an ant, busy doing something useless and getting good at it although no one asked you to."

"But we've all got to stand up for something. We've got to be admired, don't we?"

"Not at the expense of what we need. What you need."

"Oh. Yes that's true."

"So, a little pain is sometimes a good thing. You don't have to go for it in a big way. You don't have to be frightened about it-"

"But it feels so strange" said Scarlett, giving herself a pinch and grimacing. "And wicked too."

"That's because you've been taught to think like that. You'll never learn anything if you keep referring to your Mother's teaching without first thinking for yourself. Now why don't you let yourself feel pleasure or pain and let whatever wicked thoughts arise be a kind of judgement between God and yourself."

"Oh! That's very clever. Can we do that?"

"You can if you want to." said Rhett, grinning.

"Kind of like that warm feeling after you punished my poor behind" said Scarlett, smiling now.

"Never mind what I did. This is how it should actually be done. I am not a saint. I played around dangerously with you. You were so frightened, I had no choice but to force you into those things."

"And I thought that was real love" said Scarlett, her cheeks blazing.

"You were relaxed. So, you were able to feel something. You cuddled into me like a kitten afterwards."

"Yes, I see- Oh, Rhett- How wonderful. Now I finally feel as if I've understood something!"

She put her hands around his neck and kissed him.