Chapter 98
As the days went by Scarlett began to forget that she had even anticipated Rhett to come up to her and give her an apology for his uncivility. She had imagined so many satisfactory scenarios in her head. It was a disappointment that not even one would come true.
Once the first thrill of writing her first excerpt was over, she chose other books which proved to be far more difficult. But she made steady progress with Rosemary's help. Her new hobby of riding the horse was received with much enthusiasm and appreciation in the Butler family. They all agreed that it was very Irish of her and encouraged her. Rhett heard this too but he did not speak a word.
Then one day, she had gone on a very long, rather exhausting afternoon ride and returned home in the evening. Surprisingly no one was at home and the butler told her that the family had gone visiting. They were going to send her the carriage if she wished to join them. But Scarlett wasn't in the mood to socialize just then. Instead she decided to have a long bath and relax by herself. She planned to spend the time writing letters to Suellen and Pittypat. She had already received two letters from her impatient Aunt.
The air was warm in her room and Scarlett sat at her table dressed in her new wrapper dress and finished the tedious letter to Aunt Pitty. She also decided to write to Mrs. Finch, Maybelle and Fanny. The room grew darker in the fading sunlight. When she finally finished her letters, Scarlett looked out the window and saw that the family wasn't back home. She locked her bedroom door and began to relax. She had only recently bought some expensive perfumes and lotions. She began to apply these on her skin, enjoying the pleasurable sensations it evoked. She shook her dress down her shoulders and rubbed more lotion on her neck and chest. It all felt wonderful. She was humming a tune when she climbed into her bed. Deciding to have one candle in the room, she slipped on her wrapper once more and unlocked her door to call the maid. But when she opened the door, she saw Rhett standing in the hallway. He had been standing there, evidently going into his own room when she had come into the hallway. She glared at him and he made no move to talk to her. He was smoking his cigar as usual. Scarlett walked past him to call the maid and got her candle. She went quickly back inside leaving the hallway in a balmy cloud of perfume.
It so happened that Scarlett had overexerted herself that day. She did not notice her own fatigue until she lay down to rest. Her arms and legs seemed to throb from riding for so long. After massaging her own feet and eventually pleasing her whole self, she had fallen into a deep sleep and missed dinner altogether. The maid had come up to knock at her door and seeing her asleep, she left a second candle on the shelf along with a tray of biscuits and quietly slipped away.
Scarlett was deep in slumber when the door opened softly the second time and Rhett came inside. It was midnight now and the house was quiet. The first candle had given out long ago and the second one burned feebly. He blew out the light and went to her.
Scarlett could sense something heavy coming closer alongside her but in her exhaustion, she felt completely immobile. Then she felt someone reach under the sheets and move her arms away from her chest. She felt a hand slip into her wrapper and snake around her shoulders and neck. She gasped in her sleep for she knew vaguely that it was Rhett. Her mind protested as loudly as it could. However she was so deep in sleep that it seemed as useless as yelling into the wind. Her mind was shouting at her but she could not hear it. She felt Rhett's strong arms wrapping around her and that warm, helpless feeling enveloping her once again.
But this time she glumly protested and pushed away at his shoulders, half annoyed that he had chosen that moment to be intimate with her. It was getting to be ridiculous. No man would do something like this.
She struggled to open her eyes and finally mumbled a vague "...no..". But her voice came out suspiciously like a hurt, confused child rather than the angry, vengeful woman she imagined herself to be.
She thought she had opened her eyes but everything was darkness. She could not see anything. Not even the view outside for the curtains had been pulled over the windows. Sleep had effectively dulled her senses that she hardly noticed when Rhett had undressed her to her waist and was drawing her to his chest. She struck out at him and the base of her hand pushed dully against his chin. "no! I wont let you-" she cried, trying to slip away.
Then suddenly she heard his wordless murmuring. The same voice he had used so long ago when she had woken up crying from her nightmares of starvation. It had once had been so soothing to her ears. And then he had transferred that voice to Bonnie for alleviating her fears. How jealous Scarlett had been then! But now, he soothing her again and her heart seemed to beat faster with every murmur, yearning for security. As if suddenly, everything she had ever achieved had somehow faded away and she was remembering how hurt and tired she actually was. But there was so much she had to do for him, wasn't there? So many of his complexities to solve? She hadn't even begun to know him. He was still all darkness. Shouldn't all this happen much later? The surprise of it and the dark confusion around her caused her voice to choke as tears came rushing into her dulled eyes. She felt ashamed for being treated like this and yet he was so strong and his arms were as comforting as ever. She pushed against him one last time and spoke in trembling assertion, "I am not worthless. You can't treat me like a child. I won't let you." Her voice sounded high and unnatural. Somehow she had to go on with whatever she courage she could muster up. And it was pitifully less.
She could feel him reach for her hand. She could feel his fingers running across the scars she had caused by jumping fences on her horse. Suddenly his warm mouth covered those scars in a gentle kiss. She drew her breath sharply.
Scarlett realized in bewilderment that Rhett was indeed apologising in his own way for hurting her. So, then he had noticed the scars! And he was ashamed! He kissed her palm once again and her hand began to tremble too.
So, it was all over now. She could already feel herself forgiving him and it somehow frightened her. He had stopped murmuring now and the room was in stillness. In the quietness, his warm hands were running along the side of her body, drawing her to him yet this time she could not protest.
She was wide awake now. She could feel his hand going under her waist and propping her to one side. And a hand swiftly delivered one smack to her back and then the other side as well. Then he ran his hands alongside her again before repeating the same. But he was slower now, he did not seem as rough as before. She could hear him breathing hard.
Then he suddenly stopped and she could feel him moving to her side once again and she felt his lips on her cheek. She shrank back a little and she could feel his face nestling into her neck. This was new even for Rhett. She blinked in surprise for his actions seemed lover-like now. Then his head moved away and she realized that in the darkness, he was looking straight at her. She peered at him, wondering why he was stopping just then. Was that a smile she seemed to see on his face? Or was he leering at her? Her hands unwillingly went up to the side of his arms. The silence was somehow making her fear even greater. Why wouldn't he simply do what he usually did? What was he waiting for?!
Was he really listening to her at last? Was he being tender with her?
Her hands now reached his face. She was breathing hard now as well.
"Oh I'm so afraid" she thought, in frustration. Then she suddenly heard an echo from her past "Always save something to fear, Scarlett" That was Grandma Fontaine's crusty old voice wasn't it? She had never been afraid of anything before except now with Rhett. Suddenly her brow cleared up and as her hands caressed Rhett's face, she could see that it wasn't shame that kept her from loving Rhett. It was fear. She had indeed changed so many times in the past few years. She could easily lose touch with herself. She feared that. More than anything else. She was sure that if Rhett would leave for some country right now, when he came back, the Scarlett he found would not be the same one he had left behind. She could change so much once she started on some worthy task. She had proved it to herself, hadn't she? All the things she had done! Finding work for people, rebuilding the house, holding meetings, a barbeque, hiring a tutor, riding the horse and even writing the summary! She had done so much! That counts for something, doesn't it?
So, in that quiet moment, shame began to recede and give way to more serious thought. So, what if Rhett once had a mistress? So what if he could be brutal and wicked? So, what if he could be cruel to her? So what if he knew that she was earthy and just as bad as he was? He had always been there with her, more than any other person ever did. No one had kept up with her like Rhett. She must keep him, even if he wasn't her ideal. For her own sake. Even if he could be so hurting and thoughtless. She would try to change him and if he didn't, let God punish him- But now she had to be selfish and keep him. That was the first thing to do. Fear won the battle over shame. She could understand shame but she needed help understanding fear. And Rhett was so good at managing fear. He knew what it was all about. She had seen how he had made Bonnie so fearless. She needed that strength. It was the one strength she was never quite sure she could ever have on her own-
"Rhett?" she asked timidly. He came closer and she could feel his breath on her face. She smiled a little and he kissed her once again on her cheek as if to encourage her to speak. "Rhett, I am going to be as selfish as you" she said, in a voice that hardly seemed her own. "Honestly Rhett, I don't care where you go or what you do- I don't even want you like that. But you said that you would come and visit me once in a while, didn't you? It doesn't have to be … just to quiet the gossip-"
He didn't speak a word and the silence felt deafening to her ears. Then he bent his head and laid it on her chest.
"He must hear it going like crazy!" thought Scarlett, rapidly. "Is he going to hold it over my head?!"
"Rhett, I didn't mean it when I said that I didn't need you- only, it isn't for what you think. I'll always be changing Rhett, you have to understand that. You remember when you first saw me wearing that apple-green dress at Twelve Oaks, then I was wearing that black mourning dress because I was Charlie's widow, then helping Melly with her baby and in that sweaty, dirty calico dress, then that green gown I made out of my Mother's portieres when I came to ask you for money- See, it was all done to be loyal to my family and I guess I'll always be like that. And you were always with me through everything and you said once that I was brave and I had a brain and wasn't like all the other girls ..and.. well, I'm not really- I mean, I can do all these things but.. but- Oh, I wish I could explain it- My heart's thumping right now and its not because I am lusting after the flesh or something absurd like that! You once teased me like that. Well, that isn't true. This is what I am inside, do you understand? I am afraid that all these things I do won't be enough, that somehow I might let everybody down- that it might not be enough for.. for- well, for you- It's silly, I know- I can't even explain it. Oh, even I don't know what it is. I felt that way when Frank died. I was so afraid that I let him down. Do you understand? It's a true fear... It wasn't something I said just because I was drunk with brandy.. a.. a.. what did you call it?- "
"-a crying jag" completed Rhett, but his words came out unnaturally, as if he were containing some vile merriment.
Then to her amazement, she felt his lips kiss her right above her pounding heart. She started in surprise. "Oh, you know! You knew all along." She could hear his laughter now. She gulped and said in an enraged whisper. "You are so wicked. You knew I would be terribly honest with myself. That I would torture myself over ..going to hell and.. Oh! Great balls of fire!" She pushed him away and pulled herself up to lean against the headrest. Her voice grew stronger, taking on a sarcasm that she thought was impossible to her just then. "Oh, Scarlett is fearless- she isn't afraid of anything, eh? The only thing I've ever truly been afraid of was my own honesty and you used it against me. And you knew it all along! You terribly wicked, cruel, vile, deceitful- That's why you married me, wasn't it?! You couldn't bear it! What chivalry! Ha!"
She felt him nearing her and his lips touched hers, his moustache tickling her. It was so deceptively gentle that Scarlett couldn't believe she had evoked such a reaction. But she didn't stop. "Cat at the mouse hole - baiting me with promises and gifts- you've been busy setting up traps, haven't you? You think I won't understand these things. But I do. At least now I do. I've been so miserably dense until now-"
His laughter drove her on to fury. "What kind of a man marries a woman to bait her like this?! You don't know the first thing about what it is to be a gentleman! And that big speech you gave before you left- that I would always run after glitter and not gold- What was the gold I was supposed to find? You?! It was all utter nonsense, wasn't it?! And I actually believed you! Do you know how those words bothered me?" She was interrupted again with another kiss. She fell into a gloomy relief that he was at least taking the sting away from the strangest conversation she had ever had in her entire life. She saw him leaning back and removing all of his own clothes.
Now when he nestled under her arm in boyish mischief, she could hardly push him away. "A rascal, that's what you are!" she said, upset that she had ran out of steam and words so quickly. "Have you finished?" he asked after a pause.
"For now" she admitted, grumpily. Then she gasped as he pulled her back down. He was peering at her again.
"Rhett, I do love you" she said, softly. "You do feel ashamed for everything you did, don't you?" Rhett's voice returned in that pleasing Charlestonian drawl "Honey, I already told you that you would bring nothing but misery to the man who really loved you"
Scarlett rocked with laughter at this. "Well, I have only just started, Rhett. I am going to pay you back for every ungentlemanly trick you ever played on me, what do you think of that?"
"I don't mind. Just don't get too uppity. I might not always be around to kiss you like you ought to be kissed-"
"For telling the truth. Ah, darling- what a lovely thought!"
He began to kiss her again and this time her arms went around him, from her own permission. How could she help not being loyal to such a man? If he could take her corrections seriously and be ashamed, then so be it. She would make him even more ashamed in the future. But now, just at this moment, she could stop being afraid and be as monstrously selfish as she really wanted to be.