Chapter 108

When Rhett returned from the ball, he was surprised to see Scarlett sitting by herself in an unlighted parlor, her face turned to the window.

"The ball goes on after midnight, you know- you needn't have bolted out of there like a scared rabbit-" said Rhett, in a baiting tone. His face had the look of curiosity. He turned up a lamp and saw that Scarlett had been crying.

"Y..You're right, I am frightened", she answered, shakily. "Would you really have shot your own brother over a silly quarrel like that?"

Rhett replied flippantly. "What is it to you? Yes, I would have. And I wouldn't have missed. I'd be glad to-"

"Stop talking!" snapped Scarlett, her voice queerly trembling with fury.

Rhett walked to the sideboard and poured a drink for himself. He still looked at her curiously.

"Rhett, you remember once I told you that I shot a Yankee deserter? I killed him out of cold rage and fright but I am not proud of what I had done. It never sat well with me. And I want to tell you now that I don't want you to shoot to kill just because someone makes you a little uncomfortable. I solved our argument today and I only had to use my charm. I didn't need a gun."

"You forget, my pet- you were the cause of today's trouble-"

"I did it in an effort to reach out to you!"

"Well, don't do it again. You used to be so proud and so aloof- What happened to the Scarlett I used to know-" drawled Rhett, cynically.

Scarlett took a long look at him, as if seeing him for the first time. Tears were flowing down her face. "Oh Rhett, I am not stupid. I know when I've been lied to. And you have been lying to me. When you helped me to flee Atlanta during the seige and there I was nestled like a child in the comfort of your strong presence, you left to fight with the rear guard so suddenly that I felt the wind knocked out of me. And I remembered I once felt like that when I had fallen out of a tree when I was six years old. It felt absolutely sickening. Till then I thought you were coming with me to Tara. You held me and wiped my tears, got me a horse and set me on that road and then you left me."

Scarlett's shoulders were shaking with grief. "So, when you left, I was thrown down from all that comfort. So, what is this life where people simply decide to walk away? What is this world we live in where people do as they please- now they are with you- heart and soul and the next moment, they are gone?!"

Scarlett loudly blew her nose and continued, "I thought I lived with fear then. But you see, I've always lived in fear. Before the war, I was afraid of my Mother's reproach. I always felt ashamed and like a bad child who has been naughty. She could move me to tears with just a look and now I know why. Its because I loved like a child. Deep inside, all I ever wanted to do was to mess up her hair and romp around with her. And when I fell out of that tree and had the breath knocked out of me, that brief moment when I felt neither dead or alive, not knowing if that breath would ever come back - that's how I've lived - always in fear- because my Mother was never with me. Oh, she was with me- I would touch her and lay my head on her lap- but I felt all my feelings alone. I always have and that's why I feel so afraid. You never can tell when someone is going to withdraw their love and leave you hanging-"

Scarlett gazed at Rhett with flashing eyes. "But you and Ashley- What a fool I've been. I thought only a true man- a gentleman could really understand and love me. I dismissed Charlie Hamilton and even old Frank as children. Ashley withdrew his heart because he was afraid that he was being punished for something- he conveniently disappears when there is real work to be done. And conveniently reappears when I wear a pretty dress. And I loved him thinking that he was too incomprehensible for me. Like a fool, I thought that if I could only activate his passion, his heart, then it would burn all the time for me- then I would be safe and free to love others. I wanted to love others, did I ever tell you that,Rhett?! That was a dream. I wanted to love someone who loved me just the same. And when Ashley failed me, I ran to you. I thought since you had always hinted things that you really loved me. But you had withdrawn too. And you gave me so many reasons and proofs why I was a terrible person and why you couldn't care about me. And you even said that you were afraid of me. But Rhett, if I could live with my fear and accomplish so much, why can't you? Why I-"

Scarlett got up and walked to the sofa where Rhett was seated. "Why, I thought the world of you. From the moment you entered my life, I was struck by your handsome face- yes, handsome- you were as handsome and swarthy as a pirate. I even thought of you as a pirate, looking to ravage a maiden. I loved all your clothes and your fine carriage. I never understood much of your talk but I did appreciate your thinking- especially about the Old South. With just one word from you, one look and I would have given up everything for you. You said you were afraid that I would have held the whip-hand and made you jump through hoops. Well, you don't have to worry about that Rhett. You may be generous with your money but you are miserly with your heart. Its because of people like you that I am afraid. The very ground on which I walk is shaky because people like you, Ashley, my Mother walk about, giving and withdrawing love- pulling things out of balance for people like me. And I tell you, I'm afraid! I'm afraid of you!"

"I told you once before, Scarlett- I was pushed out of my home into the cold, cruel world with no skill or knowledge except how to be a gentleman-"

"I know, darling- but if I could live with my fear, then so could you-" Scarlett dropped to her knees beside Rhett and looked up at him. "I want to be with you. But I can't. I can't live like this, Rhett. It was never for you or me to hold the whip-hand. That isn't how love works. I cannot throw myself at your head and you cannot simply sit back and say you are all worn out. Great balls of fire, if I could turn a parched, hacked and dry cotton field to a thriving little farm, you can too. But you've got to work at it. Not take shortcuts or keep calculating how much heart you would have to put into it."

"When you spoke to Ashley at the Wilkes barbeque, I heard you making that awful proposal and your didn't have feelings or the words but you were trying anyway and I loved you for it, Scarlett. I wanted to be brave like you-" said Rhett, softly.

Scarlett wiped her eyes. "Grandma Fontaine once told me to save something to fear. I have found my fear now. The fear of never being truly loved or appreciated by a gentleman. And because I am afraid, I'm going back to Tara and if you want me back, you'll have to come and get me."