Chapter 111
Scarlett walked to the door but before opening it, she turned to look at Rhett. She could also see her own reflection in a mirror nearby. In a flash, she seemed to look years past and there before her sat not Rhett Butler but Phillippe Robillard - the dashing, wild cousin - the black sheep of the Robillard family and she was her Mother, only she wasn't diffident or quiet. But within her blazed the same desire - the desire to be loved for what's right in the world. The desire to be seen for something beautiful in her - only people didn't see it because the right thing was always so hard to do. But if that cousin had loved her Mother, then he must have been trying to find his way back. Only he died-
She could understand her Mother's pain now. Her Father had touched on it so lightly. So carelessly. But in the light of everything that now happened to Scarlett, she felt she had a magical key that suddenly opened the door to the past. Not the recent past but a past that was generations ago. Just as she had seen the O Hara family, she now saw the Robillards. And for the first time she saw her Mother, her kind,gentle face and that firm neck that bore the load, the straight back and never tiring walk. She felt herself choking in pain but there was a new respect for her Mother.
Scarlett walked out of the room and to a window nearby. She could now see how she had walked in her Mother's footsteps in eagerness. She had found her childhood lessons hard but she had driven herself. She saw how she had driven herself so hard and often satiated herself with smiles and kisses from her beaus.
The nightmare where she ran through the mist- she had been driving herself- she had been hard upon herself- and all to be seen and loved when it wasn't so easy. That was why Mother and Mammy found it so hard to pass me off as a lady- it wasn't because of my temper- it was because of this sadness- this longing- She looked back at the times when she had been comfortable in sadness, in emptiness- now she saw herself as how others saw her- She was strong but her strength was not that she could lead people to happiness but to teach them to be comfortable in their sadness. And those who wanted to do the right thing were always sad until the very end.
That's why it hadn't worked out between herself and Ashley. She had been drawn to his sadness but he hadn't wanted to do what was right. And she had given him so many chances. And she had driven Rhett without any compassion as she had driven herself. No wonder he was so wary of her.
But when she remembered how poorly Rhett had treated her, she felt herself growing tired. Her mind instantly ran to the bottle of wine in the kitchen cabinet but she shook her head. No more short cuts to escape the inescapable. Instead she breathed deeply and went to her room. As she walked up the stairs, she could feel a conflict within herself coming to peace. She could sense it. As if her anger and sadness had reconciled for a moment. And in that rare moment, she had found some peace.