Chapter 115
Scarlett hesitated for a moment, torn between false pretense and speaking the truth. But in that moment of hesitation, she saw the Head Mother's face change into one of compassion. She approached diffidently and then spoke in a half-choked coarse whisper, "Reverend Mother, do you believe that a person can be haunted by something?"
"Haunted?" echoed the Head Mother, questioningly. She threw a long cursory glance at Scarlett as if gathering the amount of fear and anxiety that showed itself plainly on Scarlett's ashen face. But her face assumed its seriousness once again. She quietly asked Scarlett to sit down beside her and resumed, "Yes, I have met some people who seemed to be haunted by their mistakes, their past-"
"I feel as if I am being haunted - not by any mistake or anything- but..but-" Scarlett felt her throat go dry and small beads of sweat forming on her forehead.
"What is it, child?" encouraged the Head Mother, in a gentler tone. "Tell me."
"It's a picture that I am carrying in my head- of running through a mist and there are things reaching out to catch me and I am running and looking for safety- but there is no safety-"
The Head Mother peered intelligently into Scarlett's face. "Since when did you start having these nightmares?"
"Since the war-" replied Scarlett. "Do.. do you suppose I am being haunted by ..by spirits.. I have lost so many friends and family to the war-"
The Head Mother bowed her head lightly and answered. "Or it could be that this nightmare is a message from within, a fear that perhaps the path that you are taking is full of terrors because it is the wrong path-"
"I don't understand-" replied Scarlett, frightened.
The Head Mother smiled. She poured out a glass of water for Scarlett and she drank it eagerly.
"I heard from Careen about your strict upbringing. I understand something of your own childhood.. believe me. Your Mother had molded you, raised you to be a belle, a Southern Lady-"
"Yes, but what does that have anything to do with-"
"It has everything to do with it. You cannot go down the same path- The voice in you is revealing the fears in you-"
Scarlett shook her head. "But I have changed. And everything around me has changed- I haven't stayed true to my Mother's teachings at all- I.." Scarlett stopped in embarrassment.
"Yes but have you paid attention to your need to cultivate a path for yourself - your own path- the individual path that alone can satisfy the desires of your heart?"
Scarlett opened her mouth to speak but the Head Mother merely closed her eyes as if expecting her to pause and think before she could make her reply. Scarlett waited for a while, her breathing slowed down and she seemed to relax a little. "I once wanted to- I wanted to get away from it all - my responsibilities, my family- I was so tired of caring for them- but- the person I depended on, he let me down.."
"Why didn't you follow your heart?"
"I couldn't have- It wouldn't be been right. We were raised on Tara, our cotton plantation. Why the very memory of it- of its serenity and beauty- How Mother and Father both cared for it. They wouldn't have wanted us to simple abandon it- it wouldn't have been right-"
The Head Mother smiled. "So, you decided to stay behind to restore Tara back to its former beauty? And that is when the nightmares began? Don't you ever wonder at the timing of your haunted vision? You are still very sure that restoring Tara was what your heart wanted to do?"
"I had to. It was my duty" replied Scarlett, shortly.
"Then-" replied the Head Mother, rising up swiftly from her seat. "I am afraid you will always be haunted- There is only so much one can do at the face of such denial-" She walked to the door and Scarlett followed her and spoke in desperation. "Oh please, do not be so harsh to me. I cannot bear it, Reverend Mother. I did restore Tara back to a thriving farm. I did succeed at it. And it all seemed worthwhile-"
"But you believe in appearances too much. Despite all your outward success, your nightmares haven't disappeared."
"What must I do?" asked Scarlett, pleadingly.
"Why didn't you follow your heart? Why didn't you remain true to what you wanted to do? Why did you cling to your sentiment and your duty?"
"I had to- Everyone else were looking to me. We were all starving. They were starving. And they were all so hungry and tired and they seemed to look to me- And I had no other choice-"
"You could have always appointed someone else or let others to starve-"
"Oh, how could I?!"
"Are you so self-righteous?!"
"No!" cried Scarlett in frustration. "I tell you, the person I depended on to get away from it all- He let me down!"
"What makes this person so special that you remain so loyal to him above your own needs?"
"Why he .. he is.."
"An individual? A man with an independent mind, someone others found hard to understand but loved and respected?"
Scarlett looked stunned and stared at the Head Mother, wondering how she could read so deeply into her own mind.
Suddenly she smiled. It was a smile of defeat at a long time farce that was only then coming into an awareness of such force that she could not longer stop its tide.
"Ahhh.. you as long as you associated with this man, you thought yourself to be unique as well- But you forced yourself to follow the path so strictly laid for you by your Mother when your inner self was crying in fear-" The Head Mother's face softened. "I heard Careen speak of Ellen O'Hara. It didn't take me too long to understand."
"No, you cannot know. I didn't have any example of anyone , especially my Mother, being true to herself or being herself- She suffered a heartache when she was very young.. she loved a cousin who was sent away by the family. And Mother decided that she couldn't ever be herself without her cousin and then she married my Father. And my Father was not as cultured or rich in heritage as my Mother. She belonged to a respectable family of Robillards and my Father was only an Irish refugee. So, naturally we were molded by our Mother to be well-mannered Robillard ladies-"
"And yet you know that your Mother was not doing right-"
"If only she had relaxed a little and been more affectionate." said Scarlett, sounding hurt and confused. "She said she had suffered a huge heartbreak and it seems like she was coping with it but she was actually molding us according to the ways of her Savannah family. So, she hadn't actually changed. So, why couldn't she just relax and play with us- be affectionate.. to us.. to me."
Scarlett's hand suddenly clenched in anger and she looked at it in surprise.
"You feel a great anger toward your Mother?"
"No!" replied Scarlett, sounding frustrated once again. "Mother was good as gold. She was wonderful. Always working. Always wise and gentle-"
"Then why do you sound so angry just now?"
"I am not." cried Scarlett, her voice trembling. "Why I could go to my Mother whenever I was afraid. She was my comfort, my strength. Mother always knew what to do- After she died, it didn't seem so worthwhile to .. to.. to be anything.. because all wisdom died with her-"
"But here you are-"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, here you are- angry and afraid- Though I wonder why- Since you adore your Mother so much, you should agree that her gentle heart would be hurt by the untimely departure of her cousin. It would hurt her enough to not be more affectionate to you. It is justified isn't it? Such a heartbreak would cause your Mother to be the way she was-"
Scarlett's expression suddenly swung from complete loyalty to something entirely different- something rather alien to herself. "No. I don't believe it." she said, firmly. "Heartbreaks happen all the time. If we all sat around nursing every silly little setback that happens to us-"
"Aaahhh, so you have rejected the vulnerability of your Mother-"
Scarlett looked cold. "Maybe Mother was hurt. But I was there. I was doing my best to follow everything she said. She must have known I was afraid. And yet I was obeying her. Couldn't she have been more affectionate.. I was doing everything I could-"
Suddenly Scarlett shook hard and banged her hand on the table. She quickly walked to the window and looked out for she was unable to meet the eyes of the Reverend Mother.
"Had your Mother ever been kind to you when you were vulnerable?"
"Oh course-" replied Scarlett, choking. "She couldn't be otherwise- "
"But you dislike it. You deny feeling it. You have compromised on your individuality- a part of you that you can never get back-"
Scarlett's shoulders suddenly shook violently in tears. The Head Mother gently laid a hand on her shoulder and said ,"But that little girl is still there, Mrs. Butler. You still remain- there is still that fear in you, asking you to stop running down the misty path- will you turn away from that child as your Mother did? Or will you take your fears seriously and start cultivating and nurturing yourself?"
Scarlett gave a loud gasping cry and knelt down by the Head Mother's knees and grabbing her robes tightly with her hands. "Oh I never meant to- Being frightened doesn't mean to be burdensome. It doesn't have to be dealt with or hidden away. I never meant to be so hard-"
"Forgive your Mother and accept that you are just as vulnerable as her. As a child you did what you could to get her attention and her praise. And you were successful. But now you are your own master. You show yourself the compassion that others could not give and if you deal kindly with your fears, your nightmare will disappear. You are just as vulnerable as everyone else. Feel the power of that vulnerability. Feel it around you. Feel it in others and you can find that you can connect powerfully with others- If God has lead you this far, He will show you your new path as well-"
Scarlett rose up, her hand over her mouth.
"I am just as vulnerable" she said, in wonder at this. And she found she was able to accept it. Then suddenly the door opened and Careen had returned from her duties. She looked at the Head Mother and then at Scarlett. And Scarlett looked at Careen through new perception. Of course Careen had broken her heart over her brief romance with the Brent Tarleton. Of course she did.
Tears of understanding came to Scarlett's eyes and she went to her younger sister and gently laid a hand on her cheek. She didn't even speak a word but her sister instantly felt her compassion and she pulled her into a warm embrace.