Notes:
There were a couple of discrepancies with the timeline that were bothering me - there was a flashback to 2008 but it's meant to be 2009, and Maura's 26th birthday was mentioned in Chapter 15 as 'recent' but it would actually have been a few months before that scene. It really isn't important to the story but I want it all to line up, and I hope it does now!
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Jane stepped out into the night, Maura's words ringing in her ears.
"I could never forgive myself if I let you believe that again."
So she had known. She had known the whole time, and she had let Jane believe it, let Jane believe their relationship didn't matter to her, let Jane believe that she had always thought it was temporary, that they would grow up, grow out of it, and move on to better things.
Jane had seen the tears in Maura's eyes as she confessed what her true feelings had been, and a part of her had wanted to stop, wanted to stay, wanted to hold Maura close and tell her everything would be alright. But there was another part of her, the part which had sobbed and screamed and punched a hole through her bathroom wall, the part which had eventually patched her battered heart back together, and that part wasn't alright at all. Maura had let her believe that she didn't want her. If she'd told the truth, if she'd been honest about how she felt, maybe Jane would have been able to let her go.
Or maybe she would never have left at all, Jane thought. Because the fact that Maura had let her believe it meant that it had never been true. Maura had always wanted her. And although finally knowing that for sure was painful, something else was beginning to blossom in Jane's heart, something which grew quickly and against all odds, like a weed bursting through a crack in a paving slab. Jane knew it was foolish to hope for the return of something which had been over for so long, but as she walked through dark and quiet streets, turning up her collar against the cold, she hoped for it nonetheless.
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"How did it go?" Jane asked, with some trepidation, dusting January snow off her boots and setting them on the rack next to the door.
Maura looked up from the cold cup of tea she was holding. Her whole body ached, and she realised she'd been sitting in the same position since her mother had left several hours ago.
"She wants me to go to London," Maura said.
"We knew that already." Jane tried to keep her own feelings out of it.
"She said I'd never forgive myself if I didn't go."
Jane sat down next to Maura, and gently eased the cup out of her fingers. "Shit, your hands are freezing, Maur. It's cold in here, why didn't you turn the heat on?"
Jane went to do so, then wrapped Maura in a blanket and began rubbing her hands to warm them.
"I was thinking. I guess I lost track of time." Maura sounded distant and her eyes were far away. Jane kept going with her hands, trying to bring her closer.
"You want to talk about it? What you were thinking, I mean?"
Maura shook her head. "I haven't decided anything. And I don't have to, yet. I still have another four months of medical school, then finals, then graduation. I might fail my exams." She sounded almost hopeful.
"You and I both know that's not gonna happen," Jane said. "But I agree that you don't have to decide anything right now. Take your time. Figure out what you want."
Maura nodded, and allowed herself to lean into Jane. "How was your day?" Maura asked.
"All good. Highlight was chasing a suspect down an alley, I jumped right over a trash can to catch the guy. I felt like a ninja."
Maura chuckled. "I'm sure you looked like one, too."
"Next time we go for a run I'll teach you."
"Hard pass."
"Hey, it's just like hurdles, but much more practical."
Maura could feel herself warming up, and it wasn't just the blanket. "Did you get to work with the homicide squad, like you wanted?"
"Uh-huh. It was their suspect. There's this detective, Korsak, and he says I'm made for that team. He gave me some tips for the detective's exam and everything."
"Is it patronising if I say I'm proud of you?" Maura asked.
"Not at all." Jane smiled. "I'm proud of you too."
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Maura didn't know how long she cried for, but it felt like hours before she managed to drag herself up from the floor. She cleared up the remainder of their meal, put away leftovers, wiped the counter. Her house seemed eerily quiet. She was very used to being alone, and a few days ago, would have said she preferred it that way. But that night the rooms felt cold and empty.
She put the kettle on. If Jane had been there, she would have teased Maura for adopting such a British approach to problem solving - making a cup of tea. Maura's brain helpfully provided both physical and psychological evidence behind tea drinking to reduce anxiety, and she wished Jane was there so she could tell her, even though she knew Jane would say she'd rather have a beer.
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It all started because of a stupid movie. They had planned to go to the movie theatre, but Jane had worked late and Maura hadn't been that fussed about the action flick anyway, so they'd agreed to watch a movie in Maura's room instead. Jane had stopped by the video store on the way to the dorm and rented The Parent Trap, and it had actually been a great choice.
They'd watched the movie, laughed, enjoyed the cutesy ending, and they'd been lying on Maura's bed, cuddling, talking about nothing in particular, and then Jane said something about wishing her family could have sent her to camp.
"I went to camp every summer," Maura said. "I didn't particularly enjoy it."
"Really? I would have loved it, kayaking, sports, campfires… Sounds awesome."
"I was lonely."
"Ah, come on, Maura. No kid is lonely at camp, surely you made at least one friend?"
Maura shook her head.
"Not even another weirdo like you?"
Maura stiffened.
"Hey, look, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant some people would say you were lucky to get to do all that stuff as a kid, instead of helping your Dad fix toilets all summer."
"Is that really what you think of me? That I'm strange and ungrateful?"
"Hey!" Jane was defensive. "I never said that."
"You said I was weird, isn't that the same?"
"I was teasing you."
"Well, don't."
Jane, irritated, got up off the bed. "Maura, this is never going to work if I can't joke around. Why are you being weird about this?"
"You just said it again!" Maura yelled. She could feel her eyes prickling, her cheeks reddening. She knew she was going to cry, but she would be damned if she was going to let Jane see it.
"Out, get out!" Maura yelled, practically throwing Jane's jacket at her across her dorm room.
"Come on, Maur, I didn't mean-"
"Get. Out." Maura had remembered her roommates and lowered her voice, but somehow this was even more unsettling.
Jane took her jacket. Maura swallowed, watched her leave, listened for the click of the hallway door, then broke down into unrestrained sobs. She tried to piece together how it had happened. She'd liked the movie, she liked being with Jane, but there were still a lot of things they didn't know about each other, and the way she'd felt when she was sent away to boarding school and holiday camps was something they hadn't talked about yet.
Maura knew she had been very private about her family so far, and maybe that had been a mistake. Jane saw her as wealthy, privileged, growing up with everything Jane had wanted. If Maura was honest with herself, she knew she had allowed this inaccuracy. But she was still angry with Jane, for calling her weird, for teasing her - just as she had been teased at camp. Jane's offhand comments had made her feel as small and unwanted as she'd felt as a child, and it was not a feeling she was prepared to tolerate any more.
Maura's thoughts were interrupted by someone pounding on the hallway door, and then Lauren, her roommate, unceremoniously barging into her bedroom.
"Your girlfriend's here, I told her she could go to your room but she said you guys were fighting and she wanted me to ask you if it was okay first," Lauren said, making it very clear that she wholeheartedly resented having any involvement in the situation.
Maura wiped her eyes. "She can come in," Maura decided.
Lauren disappeared back to her room, and Jane stood awkwardly in Maura's doorway.
"I'm so sorry," Jane said. "I should have realised I was upsetting you."
Maura looked up at her from her seat on the edge of the bed. "I… There are things I haven't told you, about when I was a child. But what you said, it… Hurt."
Jane dropped to the floor, putting her hands on Maura's knees. "So tell me, Maura. Because I might be an idiot and joke around sometimes, but I promise you, I am never going to hurt you again."
"It's not possible to promise something like that," Maura said softly. "There are too many things outside of our control."
"Okay, then I promise to try my absolute hardest never to hurt you again."
Maura reached out for Jane. "I promise, too," she murmured. Jane pulled her into a hug. They both ended up on the floor, and Maura realised, too late, that she was going to cry again. But this time she didn't mind that Jane saw.
Maura continued crying, but Jane was there, holding her close, stroking circles on her back, telling her that she wasn't alone, and Maura felt… comforted. It wasn't a feeling she had much experience with.
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Maura was still sipping her tea when her cell phone rang. She didn't need to check the caller ID - it was too late for anyone else.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Maur, I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No, I wasn't sleeping."
"Good. I mean, you should go to bed soon, but I'm glad you didn't, yet."
Maura waited. Jane only waffled when she had something uncomfortable to say.
"I'm glad you called," Maura said when Jane stayed silent. "Did you get home okay?"
"Yeah, I'm home. I was thinking about… Remember our first fight?"
"The one about The Parent Trap?"
"Yep… Well, I was thinking, on my way home, that whenever we fought, we would always come back. Like then, or if I got mad at you, you'd always show up, coming round to my apartment with fancy coffee. Or that one time when you came over in just an overcoat-"
"I remember," Maura interrupted, noticing the waffling again. "Why do you mention it?"
"Because I didn't, this time. I think I… I needed to be mad. At least for a couple of hours. And I needed you to be upset. But then I got home and I was trying to go to bed and I was thinking about you, being upset, and being alone, and maybe you have someone else you call these days but I just wanted to call and make sure you were okay before I went to sleep." Jane said all this in a garbled rush, and it took Maura a moment to digest it.
"Thank you," she said eventually. "And I am okay. I think you're right, I did need to be upset. I have a lot to answer for."
Although it was tempting to blame Maura for everything, Jane knew it was nothing like that simple. "It wasn't just you," she admitted.
"But I should have been honest."
"Yes. And I really appreciate you having the courage to say that now."
"It hurts."
"It hurt me too," Jane agreed.
"We promised never to do that," Maura remembered. "After our first fight."
"Technically, we promised to try."
"I did try," Maura whispered. "I… I know I made mistakes. Terrible ones. But I really did try."
"I know." Jane spoke gently. Any trace of anger had evaporated the second Jane heard Maura's voice.
Not trusting Jane's tone of voice alone, Maura had to ask. "Are you still mad at me?"
"Not even a little bit."