"Man, I'm sorry but I don't know how you and Superman can hug the kid when he's all snotty and gross like that. It's disgustin'!" It took a while for the shock to wear off but once it did Steve was right there runnin' his mouth and I had to shove him off the couch.
"Jesus, Randle, you don't haveto be an asshole your whole life y'know!" Two-Bit snapped, kickin' out at Steve's foot as he lay sprawled on the floor. "Kids cry when they're hurt, dummy, and our boy was hurtin' alright. You doin' ok, Sodapop? That was pretty brutal, huh?"
I groaned in response, puttin' my head back in my hands where it'd been since my brothers had left. I was feelin' mighty sorry for myself and Steve's bitchin' certainly weren't helpin' matters. At least Two-Bit was on my side.
"What - I'm just sayin'! What are they doin' back there anyway, huh? Darry's left us sittin' out here like bumps on a log!"
"Maybe he's given up on us lost causes and decided to take a nap with Ponykid instead, hey, Soda?" I could tell Keith was tryin' his damn hardest to cheer me up and the least I could do was meet him halfway.
"Nah, Darry don't believe in lost causes, Two-Bit, you should know that better than anyone!" I elbowed him in the side to show I was kiddin' around, and he shoved me back with a grin. "They are takin' a long time though…maybe…I dunno, should I go and check on 'em? Maybe Dar can't get Ponyboy to settle?"
"I'll do it, since you hoodlums clearly don't care for my thoughts on the matter," Steve grumbled, makin' a big show of pickin' himself up off the floor. He musta read the doubt on my face because he made a placating gesture as he crossed the living room. "Relax, man, I gotta take a leak anyway. Perfect excuse!"
"Hot damn, this Saturday sure is a bust," Keith complained as we watched Steve disappear down the hallway. "Seriously, Soda, that was real rough with Pony. Superman sure knows how to make a point, don't he?"
"You can say that again," I mumbled, scrubbin' at my eyes and suddenly feelin' about a million years old. "The kid was so upset; I feel just terrible about it."
"Aw shucks, he'll come back swingin', you know what kids are like. Besides he'll be able to dine out on this for years to come! Hell we've basically just given him a free pass through high school! His rep will be safe even if he never sets foot in another party!"
"I don't him to have a rep," I ground out, my pledge to buck up already faltering as it butted up against Two-Bit's chipper attitude. "I want him to keep his head down and get good grades and not have to worry about anythin' except makin' it out of this shitty town. Last night coulda fucked all that up for him and I didn't even realise."
"I get that, kid, I really do but things are gonna happen y'know? Last night was a bad call on our part and sure, Darry's mad but I don't think this is as bad of a screw up as you think it is. You're beatin' yourself up a hell of a lot worse than he will, savvy?" I shook my head, only half listening as I strained to hear what was happenin' down the hall.
"Yeah maybe, I don't even know anymore. Why didn't I think about the fuzz bustin' up that party, Keith? Like I know I ain't no Einstein but come on! Darry's already got one kid brother that don't use his head, he don't need that shit from me as well. He's gonna give himself an ulcer!"
"That's what I'm tryna tell you, Soda. You got carried away and made a mistake. Hell I figured the cops were gonna show and told you to bring the kid anyway which is worse! You gotta cut yourself a break, man, else Darry ain't gonna be the only one with an ulcer!"
I appreciated what Keith was tryna tell me, I really did. A little part of me maybe even believed him, but he didn't have to sit through visits from the State; the snooty social worker breathin' down our necks wantin' pay stubs and report cards and grocery receipts. Darry rigid with the indignity of it all while Pony vibrated with nerves next to me. It was awful. And that was just a regular check in - imagine what it would be like if they actually had something to use against us! How close I came to bringing that down on our heads last night made me feel sick to my stomach and before I could stop myself I'd reached out and grabbed Two-Bit's arm, squeezin' tight as the panic gripped me.
"You don't get it, Two. This ain't a game, it's our lives I'm gamblin' with! Our social worker thinks Pony woulda been better off goin' to a foster home - did you know that? Not a boys home like we told him, that was just for me, but a proper family with two parents and a nice house and warm cookies after school and all that shit. She wanted that for him and we said - well Darry said but I agreed with him - no because we couldn't bear the thought of losin' him too. And that was selfish but…but done is done, right?
So now here we are with Ponyboy and he's like a little sponge, you know, just soakin' everything up all the time and we gotta…we gotta make here better for him than that other place the social worker wanted else we screwed everythin' right from the off. And Darry's tryin', I know that, and that class at the Y helps a bunch but there's still a lot about Pone he don't understand so I gotta jump in and translate for him and sometimes he gets frustrated and Pony gets upset and only wants me which I don't mind because he's my brother but sometimes I feel like I can't hardly breathe here!"
Several long beats of silence followed as my outburst reverberated around the living room, Two-Bit's wide eyes mirroring my own shock back at me. Where the fuck had all that come from?! I looked down and saw his arm was white where my fingers were diggin' in but I couldn't make myself let go.
"Um…we're back, Soda." I spun around at the sound of Steve's voice and of course Darry was standin' right beside him lookin' awkward as hell and I felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me.
"Is Ponyboy ok?" My voice came out too loud and too sharp and Steve musta thought I was about to go off the deep end because he took one cautious step towards me, hands held out in front like I was a horse about to bolt.
"He's grand. Darry put on that dumb record he likes with the bible stories and he was out like a light in about five seconds." Steve shot a quick look at Darry before takin' another small step forward. "Are you ok, Soda?"
I opened my mouth but nothin' came out. All I could do was gape helplessly at the two people who always have my back no matter what and hope one of them knew how to save me.
"I think Soda and I are gonna head out on the porch and talk for a little while," Darry said evenly after a moment. "Fellas, I realise this is probably turnin' into somethin' more than you bargained for and…" His eyes jumped to me before going back to Steve and Two-Bit. "Well I don't know how long this is gonna take and you've already been waitin' a good while. I'm happy if y'all wanna head out and we can sort things out between us later on when things are…calmer."
My buddies looked at each other and I could tell they were havin' a silent exchange about what to do. "Or if you're happy to wait us out that's ok too. To be honest I'd feel better knowin' there was someone inside to keep an ear out for Ponyboy anyway…" Darry trailed off, waiting on their decision.
"We'll stay," Steve declared after a long moment. "In for dime, in for a dollar, right Matthews?"
"Damn straight, Steve-o. And don't worry, Dar, if the kid wakes up we'll deal with it so you fellas can talk in peace."
"Thanks, boys, appreciate it. Come on, Soda, let's head out for some fresh air." He moved towards the front door, signallin' for me to follow him. Two-Bit and I both looked down at the death-grip I still had on his arm and after a moment he reached out and patted my hand kindly.
"It's ok, Soda. You go on and talk with Darry. Steve and I are gonna hang out right here until y'all get things cleared up." He smiled at me, ever so gently prying my fingers off one by one. Now that my hand was free, and the world hadn't stopped turnin' or somethin' crazy like that, it seemed safe enough to get to my feet. Darry held out his arm, guidin' me towards the front door before followin' along behind. I couldn't see the look he sent back to the guys, but you bet your ass I felt it.
Once we were outside he moved past me and sat down on the rickety old bench we had out there, patting the spot beside him. I reluctantly did as I was told, still feelin' pretty off about everything. My big brother's not one for talkin' yet here we were, about to have some kinda heart to heart with my buddies in the next room waitin' on a whippin' and Pony…
"Pony's asleep, Dar? Really asleep? Not just fakin'?" I clarified, very aware of how easily conversations on the porch could be heard from our bedroom. My brother nodded.
"Yeah, I made sure before I left. That's why I took so long - he tried to fight it because he was worried about you and the guys gettin' punished but he was pretty wore out." I musta still looked unsure because he knocked his knee against mine. "He won't hear, Soda. It's why I put the record on for him."
I knew exactly what he was talkin' about, since I'd listened to that same record many nights when our parents wanted us to just shut up and sleep. It was a collection of bible stories Mom had sent off for after collecting coupons out the Saturday paper. They were read by an old guy with a slow, calming voice that seemed to flow over you like water and your eyes would be closin' almost before you knew it. I hadn't heard it for years but Darry still sometimes put it on for Pony if the gang were being particularly loud or one of our neighbours were fightin' or something. I nodded to show I believed him and waited for him to get things goin'. I felt like I'd already said more than I ever wanted to back in the house.
"That was some speech you gave back there, kid. You wanna tell me what happened?" Darry asked gently after a moment of silence, clearly realising I wasn't gonna spill my guts just like that.
"It was nothin', Dar. I just had a funny turn or somethin', no big deal."
"It didn't sound like nothin' Soda. In fact you sounded pretty upset. It's ok if you need to take a minute to think but I'd really like you to talk to me about it, please." He said please but he weren't askin' and I knew I wasn't gonna be able to wriggle my way out of this one.
"I just…I feel bad about last night. I coulda really messed things up for us and for what? Some dumb party? I got carried away and didn't think about what could happen and I dragged Ponyboy along to boot. I'm just annoyed at myself I guess. I know better."
"You do know better," Darry agreed slowly and I felt myself bristle at the careful way he was choosin' his words. It was how he spoke to Pony when he was upset but I wasn't a little kid he needed to tiptoe around. "But everyone makes mistakes, Soda. Heck, I reckon I screwed up when I agreed to go away this weekend! It was too short notice and a part of me could tell you boys weren't really ready for it but…I wanted a change of scenery so I talked myself into it and look what happened. I'm not sayin' you didn't make a bad call last night, because you did and you better believe I'm gonna skin you for it, but in this family the buck stops with me and I shouldn't have put you in that situation in the first place. You dig?"
I swallowed against the lump in my throat, thinkin' over my brother's words. On the one hand it made me feel a little better that Darry was willing to take some of the blame, but I also felt crumby that he felt couldn't take off for a weekend with his buddies because he couldn't rely on me to keep things runnin' back home. And just to rub salt in the wound I'd only gone and proved him right.
"Yeah, I dig it's just…Ponyboy's the one thing I always get right y'know? Like I can't cook as good as you, or fold laundry nice, or remember what we need at the grocery. My paycheck's half of what yours is, even when I take extra shifts. But I'm always able to help you with Pony. Or I thought I could, I guess last night proves different huh?"
"Soda, no, none of that matters! You help me out so much every day just by bein' yourself, little buddy. You make me laugh all the time, you keep the truck runnin' like we bought it brand new yesterday and I swear no one can find a good song on the radio quicker than you! And yeah, of course I appreciate the help with your brother but he's not your responsibility, Soda and I really need you to understand that. I don't keep you around just to act as a go-between for me and him, or to keep us both happy enough that we don't get on each other's nerves. You're job is just to be our brother, Sodapop Patrick Curtis and I'm so so sorry if I've ever made you feel like that's not good enough."
"Ok," I replied lamely, feelin' a bit overwhelmed by what had just been said. I'd store it away in my head to work out later. "You don't have to be sorry, Darry. I'm the one that let you down."
"I ain't gonna lie, Soda, I'm disappointed by the choice you made last night and not just because you took Ponyboy with you, although that certainly is a part of it. But you didn't let me down. What happened with the cops wasn't your fault and from what you've told me it sounds like you handled things like a trooper. You got yourself and your brother out of there in one piece and that's the only thing I'll ever ask of you."
"Yeh we dodged a bullet I shoved us in front of," I mumbled, still not ready to buy whatever shit Darry was shovellin'. "Ponyboy was so scared, Dar, he kept askin' for you in the night and I didn't know what to tell him. And those dick cops yelled at him and put bruises on him and I couldn't do a thing to stop it 'cause they had me cuffed like some thug!"
"I know, Soda, and I'm angry about it just like you are! But you did what you had to do to make it through, right? You did the best you could and kept Pony safe even if it didn't feel like it at the time. Bruises fade, little buddy. Ponyboy's gonna be just fine, same as you are." He shook his head, chuckling fondly to himself. "Honestly, you boys are like two peas in a pod!"
"Whaddya mean?"
"When Pone was sat on my knee earlier, he said exactly the same thing to me as you just did."
"What - that he was scared out his mind? No shit, Dar!"
"No genius, that he was scared for you! He said he saw one of the cops bust Keith's head on purpose and he was freakin' out that they might hurt you like that. Or that they might take you off somewhere without him. Then when I was puttin' him to bed he told me you looked after him real well, so you can quit your bellyachin' about that to boot, ok?"
"Oh…" I muttered, suddenly feelin' embarrassed. "Ok, well I guess that's somethin' then."
"Yeah, it's somethin'. So…you ready to head back in or you wanna stay out here a little longer? You wanna sit in my lap for a cuddle like Pony or are you too big for that, huh?" He jabbed me in the ribs and I punched his arm back, grinnin' even though he was teasin' me.
"Shut up…maybe later," I mumbled, pleased when my brother's booming laugh rang out.
"Sure, kid, whatever you say!" He slapped my knee and got to his feet, rollin' his shoulders back as he stood. "Come on then, tough guy, let's get this done so I can send Laurel and Hardy home and we can salvage what's left of the weekend!"
I stood too, lettin' him put his arm around my shoulders and guide me back into the house. I wasn't lookin' forward to what I had comin' to me, but I felt a whole mite better about things now. Darry might be a heavy-handed son of a gun, but I was lucky to have him as my big brother.