Ive took so long to update this and i guess i dont have an excuse. Its going down an emotional rollacoater atm and i guess i havent been in the right mindset to write the more depressing parts and been wanting to focus on happy things for the characters. But its important they all get through this shit first so ill save the happy times for after the struggle. Hope you all enjoy x

Nyota eyed the pair suspiciously from her workstation, something was different between them. She could just feel it. Jim was smiling ever so brightly as usual but the lingering glances at Spock, every excuse to casually touch him when he could it was just more than usual. She didnt know what the shift was as she side eyed them hidden by the rim of her coffee mug but she could definitely feel a change. She just couldn't pinpoint what it was.

Picking up her data padd her fingers danced on the keys for a brief second before the message to Alex sent, hoping some gossip such as this would help keep her mind from wandering to much in these next few days, maybe it'd help her stay grounded a little bit. Nyota hoped so. Though she secretly needed Alex to be able to talk about this change with her, because she wasn't quite over spock yet. She was getting there but still not at the finishing line she needed to be able to lean on the ropes of their friendship a little if what she thought was happening had happened, like a boxer catching their breath after being winded she needed this one last breath before standing up and landing the finishing blow. She just hoped Alex would understand, better yet, would be able to cope with a little extra stress. Nyota felt impossibly selfish for needing this from her friend at such a difficult time but she couldn't help it, in all honesty Alex was the only close female friend she had. Not realising she'd been holding her breath she let out a huge sigh as her data padd made a gentle buzzing sound and Alex's name flashed across the screen, a small smile graced Nyotas lips before she got back to work.

Alex couldn't help holding her breath as she walked into the mess hall with Leonard, she heard the room suddenly go quiet before the noise picked back up again and she knew she was the gossip on everyone's lips and she hated it. She could feel eyes on her as they grabbed food, it even making her skin crawl long after they'd sat down. She didn't think she'd mind that much, but she did. Maybe it was because not all of the crew knew exactly what had happened, or because it was so personal for her she felt like her entire life was now this joke book that everyone was laughing at. She didn't want to be laughed at, she didn't want sympathy she just wanted to move on. Move on and forget about it all. Move on on her own, deal with the pain in private without having every whisper remind her that she'd been lied to her entire life, or that she'd been a targeted by a sick extremist. She was that distracted and withdrawn in her own bubble she hadn't realised Leonard was trying to speak to her till she looked up at his concerned face.

"Im sorry, what did you say?" She smiled weakly, suddenly losing her appetite.

"I didn't say anything... Alex. What's wrong? You've shut down, i didn't want to force you into hibernation mode, if this is too much we can go eat in our room." Leonards voice was warm and soothing and something about it made her relax a little, breathe a little more evenly as she looked up fondly into brown eyes at the words 'our room'.

"I'm okay i just, i don't like being the centre of all gossip when its about something so… Personal. They're all whispering about it Leonard, i can hear them." And she really could hear them all. Every word said under a hushed breath. Some caring, others harsh and judgmental, some distraught at what she'd had to suffer through, others disbelieving she'd lived this long without knowing she was half Vulcan.

How could she be so stupid to not realise she wasn't a human, the ears are a pretty huge giveaway, she's a doctor for fuck sake.

How could someone do that to somebody else, you know he drugged her and carved it in with a scalpel.

Did you know she'd dated that Vulcan that we rescued from floating around in space? I mean like that other Vulcan we have in the brig just decided that he didn't like them mixed up together so much that he'd do something like that. Makes me sick, you didn't know he poisoned her because she was pregnant?

Not meaning to be nasty but im glad shes been taken down a peg or two, her ego was far to big she was so annoying, i can't believe she's got Mccoy wrapped around her finger, like there wasn't other pretty women on this ship before she turned up.

You know she bit off that bastard ear? Well the tip of it? Yea man, she's a total badass, i mean i don't blame her for losing her shit.

I absolutely can't believe that happened to her, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it...i've had a miscarriage before, but that… that's something else, how could he be so cruel, i think i'd have killed him if i was in her shoes. She's so strong.

What a freak. Look at her she just loves to be the centre of attention no matter what type of attention it is, i bet she isn't even a half vulcan it's just some bullshit to make people feel sorry for her. How dense can you be to believe a lie for so long.

Hey, don't be like that just because you don't like her, if someone lied to you your entire life about something you'd believe it as well, quit acting like billy big bollocks, asshole.

She recognised that last voice and it made her smile crookedly as she pictured the lanky gangly blonde she knew all too well from working around him most days, she felt tears well up knowing that he'd sprung to her defense so readily, along with so many others that she'd never met or spoke too, despite the sea of hate and judgement from others there was still good and understanding crew members all around her, standing in her corner. She'd have to make sure to thank lanky Adam in person when she got back to med bay for jumping to her defense like that. He'd shut the guy up almost instantly as well. She had to cling to that, even if she hated the details of her messed up life being known by everyone, at least there was kind people out there. She had to cling to the good, if she gave in to the bad even once she'd be buried in it.

"Ace, don't cry, cmon lets head back. Don't listen to em, they're all bitter bastards."

"Im fine, im good honestly-" she sucked in a deep breath and held the tears at bay, willing herself to stay strong in a room full of people and especially for Leonard, he'd already been through so much stress because of her she'd do her damn best to not cause any more of it. "Thanks for dragging me out though, i needed to get out of that room."

"Don't mention it, sweetheart." He smiled fondly with a cheeky wink which made her go a little pink in the cheeks.

"Stop calling me thatttt." She hissed quietly leaning towards him ever so slightly as his smirk grew, a hint of playfulness returning to her eyes.

"Never, because i think you like it, you just don't want to admit it."

"Because there's nothing to admit to." She smirked back at him but the smile didn't seem to reach her eyes like it normally did. Leonard paused for a second, searching her face as his finger gently brushed against hers on the table, the tiniest of contact somehow holding such a profound meaning as he saw her eyes change from pained to glassy.

His voice grew sombre and he was quiet when he spoke. "What is it, what are you thinking about?"

The sigh that left her lips felt like it hung between them for days before she finally spoke, a small request under her breath, a private request, a question that she needed answering. "I want you to run the tests tonight… Please."

Leonards ring finger ghosted over her pinky as his eyes fell to their hands, so close but barely touching, cautious but needing as she brushed her index finger across his knuckles. He noticed her jagged nails, no doubt from biting and his eyes met hers in understanding. Okay.

Thankyou.

"Do you want anyone else to be there or-"

"No- Just us, just, something i'd rather deal with with as little people as possible around me, i'm tired of putting on a mask, if the news is bad- I'll-"

"Hey, we cross that bridge when we come to it, yea, your damn right i said we, im not letting you deal with this alone, you don't have to wear a mask around me, sweetheart."

She smiled then, smiled with her eyes. And Leonard didn't know how but as her fingers linked with his own across the table he could feel her smile, her gratitude, seep into him deep in his bones, it was like stepping into a pool of warm water, and laying back as your muscles finally relaxed and your eyes closed, and then it was gone. He couldn't help but blink and question if it had been real, their hands weren't even touching now, and though she was still smiling fondly at him a part of him yearned for whatever that had been back, like a part of him was missing without the connection, whatever the hell it had been. Wait, did we just-

Nyota looked at Alex with concern as they sat down in the mess hall, it was Nyotas lunch break and since Alex was free all day Nyota had asked if she'd like to come to lunch with her, it's not like the redhead had to have a second meal or anything Nyota just wanted the company. It wasn't even just because of the message she'd sent about Jim and Spock but because she was really worried. Alex seemed off, really off, but she wasnt ready to talk and Nyota didn't want to bring it up if she wasn't ready.

"So, what do you mean, something's changed?" Alex poked her carrot sticks around a little as she leaned closer to Nyota across their shared table. Nyota grimaced a little, it was weird hearing it said out in the open.

"I'm not too sure, somethings just different, they're acting stranger than usual."

"Aren't they always a little odd with one another?" Alex questioned wanting to get a feel for the situation, wondering if maybe Nyota was just being paranoid.

"Yea but this is more than that, its like something's happened, they're being odd in different ways. Like the Captain seems almost giddy…"

Alex paused before replying, making a mental note of how Nyota had said captain instead of Jim. This must have really been affecting her more than she wanted to let on, especially if she was already distancing herself from the situation before even knowing for sure. "You're not quite over him yet, are you?" She spoke gently with a comforting smile.

Nyota sighed, of course she couldn't hide anything from her, they'd spent so much time together and she was a psychologist as well as a medical doctor for god sake. "No, not yet." She admitted, suddenly losing her appetite as she pushed her food away. "It's not like i didn't see this coming, i think even Leonard could see this coming and he's- well you know what he's like with noticing things socially at times."

Alex laughed lightly and nodded "If something has happened what would you do? Hypothetically of course until we know for sure?" Alex leaned forward slightly completely in her element without Nyota even noticing a shift in her demeanor.

"What? I wouldn't do anything, it's none of my business and i hope they make eachother happy, although… I think I'd have a word with the captain. Maybe. Probably."

"Why's that?"

"You've seen how much he flirts right?... He's got a bit of a reputation for being a ladies man if you know what i mean. The second time i met him he was in bed with my roommate… actually she kinda reminds me of you a bit..."

"You're getting a bit off topic here, but i bet your roommate was a tone of fun with a kicker of a personality. Anyway, so Jim used to be a bit frisky have you seen or heard about him being with anyone since the academy?" Alex gave Nyota finger guns before crossing her arms again as her professional facade fell perfectly into place.

"No but… i just don't want him to hurt Spock, i don't want it to end badly for either of them really…" Nyota trailed off, shed never felt so conflicted in her life, she had always prided herself on understanding her own emotions thoroughly but she felt really out of her comfort zone at the moment, she didn't really understand much of what she was feeling about the situation.

"It sounds to me as though you're more over him than you think, with how accepting you're being even while having some conflicting emotions." Alex said matter of factly as she sat back popping a carrot stick into her mouth.

Nyota looked up with a skeptical stare. "Did you just assess me? Psychologically?" She didn't know if she was annoyed or impressed or thankful and that in itself frustrated her a little bit.

"Not officially, just more of an educated observation from a friend? You're dealing with the possibility really well is all im saying, and i'm here for you of you ever need to rant about anything no matter how small or stupid you think it is."

Nyota managed a small smile at that, pushing past her momentary annoyance at her friend for going psychiatrist mode on her. She was genuinely just trying to help, of course she was. It was Alex, her friend.

"Anyway enough about me and whatever this thing is, how are you? Any news on the trial, Jim told me they were trying to bring it forward so you don't have to go through it while on shore leave."

Ah, the trial. "Basically that's all there is to know, its happening on new vulcan but i'm pretty sure some starfleet admirals are going to be there to oversee the whole thing, make sure its a fair hearing and such, they're also making sure the jury isn't just composed of vulcans, though im hoping any sane vulcan would be able to judge fairly from the reports. Its funny because when the captain was telling me this it didn't feel like any of it was going in at all but i guess it did ha." Alex let out a puff of air as a short laugh before looking down at the table with a disgruntled look on her face.

"Hey, don't worry about it okay, you have me as a witness, and the rest of them saw what he was doing… just listen okay, there is no way he is getting away with this. It's not gunna happen."

Nyota reached across the table and held Alex's hand firmly as she saw her friend let out a shaky breath, before she dropped her hand like she'd been stung. Alex looked up apologetically at Nyotas perplexed face.

"Sorry, since the incident i haven't had much of a choice in emotional transference, i need to get on top of it, sorry."

"Its okay, honestly… Maybe Spock can help, have you ever thought of asking him?" Nyotas tone was warm and assuring, just enough for Alex to hang on to the thin shreds of patience she had left with herself, it was frustrating not being in full control, always in the brink of collapse, the sooner she accepted everything the sooner she could start to feel better. But how could she accept everything that monster had done to her?

"I'm hoping i don't need to, i never really had issues with it before, well… I just thought i had a slight gift in judging people's emotions, but apparently it's been there all along, just quietly working in hibernation mode or whatever i guess." Alex sighed pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Everything is changing and i don't want it to change."

"Hey, not everything is changing. Focus on grounding yourself on the things that are still the same, i'm still me, Leonard is still Leonard. And you're still yourself despite any changes going on, you're still you."

"Still in this tin can of a ship floating around in the vacuum of space." Alex muttered under her breath earning a snort off Nyota.

"Wow, i can see why Leonard's with you now, it all makes so much more sense." she teased, earning a playful smirk and a small laugh from her pointy eared friend sat across from her. She's gunna be okay, maybe not soon, but she is gunna be okay, i just know it.

"So she's okay?" Came the relieved sigh from the data padd as Leonard sighed, leaning back in his office chair, of course he'd get called in on his day off. Typical. But this this was something he had to excuse himself for, a call he had to take in private for Alex's sake.

"Yea, She's as okay as she can be right now, look i don't know if you should call her yet-"

"I've been trying but she's been ignoring my calls ever since you sent me the message telling me she was safe."

"That's exactly my point, if she's been ignoring your calls maybe this is something you need to let her come to you in her own time with." Leonard frowned in slight frustration, he completely understood why Alex's dad wanted to see his daughter he really did, he wanted to know for sure that she was alright, Leonard would be the same if it something had happened to Jo, but Jo was 9. Alex was nearly 30 and was safe and this situation wasn't exactly simple, to put it bluntly.

"I know you're sleeping with my daughter Doctor Mccoy but don't for one second act like you know her better than i do-"

Leonards brows shot up at that, a sudden fury spiked in his gut but he didn't shout. "With all due respect, I'm not the one whos lied to her face her entire life about what she is, Sir. And secondly as the doctor who saw out her treatment when she returned to the ship, along with a handful of my trusted colleagues who are privy to the workings of not only the mind but the Vulcan mind, it's paramount she doesn't experience any unnecessary stress. Especially in these first few days. So you're gunna have to just accept the fact she's back and she's safe as all you need to know for the time being." Leonard snapped in his half rant. Watching as the man on the screen recoiled slightly and sighed in defeat. Maybe he'd been to harsh? But it seemed like the only way he was going to understand the gravity of the situation.

"The Vulcan mind- shit- look i'm sorry, she's my little girl i just need to know she's okay you know, you can always be told your kids okay but you only know if you're looking at them with your own two eyes, never mind you don't understand-"

"No i do understand, but your little girl is almost 30, and she's just went through a very real very traumatic event that's probably going to change her life, this isn't something you can rush to fix, you have to give it the time it needs. I'm sorry i can't tell you more about what happened, im bound by patient confidentiality and personally i think Alex would rather tell you when shes ready."

The older mans face softened slightly as his eyes seemed to look right through Leonard, searching for something. "You have kids?" god damn why does her entire family have the ability to look right through people.

"Yea, got a little girl back on earth."

The older man just nodded sincerely without saying a word a soft smile swiftly coming and going as quick as the wind changed directions in the winter.

"I forgot to ask, what's your name? she hasn't actually got around to telling me and i'd rather not have you down as 'Alex's dad' for the remainder of this trip." Leonard grumbled As the man on the screen chuckled at him.

"Typical Ace, the names Arthur, Arthur Reid."

Leonard changed the name on screen and then sighed pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration before groaning to himself. "Look i'm gunna level with you, when you find out what happened, you're not gonna like it. But as a dad myself i need to tell you this now, don't do anything stupid. No matter how angry you are you gotta make sure to stop yourself from doing shit out of rage, everything is on the road to being sorted out and you don't want to disrupt the flow or there could be hell on."

"It's like you're talking in damn riddles…But alright… i'll do my best, thanks for calling Mccoy."

With a nod at the older man he ended the call. God when had everything gotten so complicated? He blamed that good for nothing Vulcan they currently had in the brig. That son of a bitch. Why did he have to go intervening in people's lives like he was god. Leonard pinched his nose in frustration before he got up to leave, he'd done what he was asked here to do he wasn't planning on staying the entire work day.

Spock saw the symbol pop up on his screen while on the bridge noticing it was from Dr Reid he opened the file without hesitation. His eyebrows rising a fraction as he quickly skimmed the text on the screen. She is ready for my assistance. Typing a quick reply he pressed send with vigor, feeling a certain protectiveness pass over him remembering exactly what had made her need his help in the first place, he spared a glance at Jim, comforted by the bright smile he wore as he spoke with the rest of the crew. So many things are changing, i hope they are for the better. As blue eyes met his own he was confident the times ahead would be better than the times behind them.