Disclaimer: Deltarune is owned by Toby Fox. I just write about it in my spare time.
Liquidation Sale
"Are you going back down there, Kris? Okay, we'll wait for you here."
"Man, what do you got down there that's so important? Whatever, I'm sure I'll find out later."
Kris nodded and headed down into the cold darkness of the Queen's basement alone. They retraced their steps past a deactivated forcefield generator, down some empty hallways, and into a large cavern containing a railroad to nowhere. They headed through an open archway and walked down a long room full of stone columns and green vines. Hunched over in the far corner of this room was the very thing they were looking for: an old, abandoned robot.
They reached in their pocket and took out that disc that weird salesman had downloaded himself into. What did he call himself again? "Spamton" or something? The disc seemed to be smiling at them, somehow. They swore they felt it vibrating between their fingers like it would jump out any second.
A tingle of dread crept up Kris's spine as they looked the robot over. This thing was easily twice their height, with long lanky limbs and what looked like colorful ragged wings. It was covered in heavy magenta and black armor, and propped up by a myriad of green cables. They didn't see any weapons on the thing, but they had no doubt it had some hidden on it somewhere.
This was a bad idea. That salesman was already shady to begin with; who knows what kind of he trouble he would cause with a giant robot? But then again, Kris couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy. He had no home and no friends. And he glitched so bad, it was as if he had one foot in the Recycle Bin. Maybe the robot would stabilize him...make him feel better somehow?
They slipped the disc into the slot in the robot's faceless head. They quickly stepped back, expecting it to activate.
Nothing happened.
After a few seconds of waiting, Kris leaned forward and gently tapped the machine. Nothing happened. They tried shaking it, slapping it upside of its unfinished head, even giving it a swift kick to its midsection.
Nothing still happened.
Kris sighed. What a waste of time. They hit the eject button on the disc drive to retrieve Spamton, or whatever his name was, but once again...nothing happened. Rapidly pressing the button didn't help either. They would have to go find a screwdriver or something to get him out of there. Great...!
They turned and walked out of the room, leaving the robot behind. As they walked across the forgotten tracks, however...
WHAM!
A massive shadow crashed down from from the ceiling, nearly crushing them. Kris leaped backward, landing on one knee. Two spotlights shone in the darkness, one pink, one yellow.
"HOLY [[Cungadero]] DO I FEEL GOOD..." a metallic voice boomed.
Kris looked up...and up...and up. Dangling in front of them from those green cables was the robot they had just been fiddling with. Only now, it had a complete head, which kept jerking around on its neck. It had a bright white face with comically long nose, and spiky jet black hair. Its mouth was twisted into a rictus grin with teeth that were far too big. It looked as if that salesman had managed to install himself after all.
"HERE I AM! KRIS!" he shouted. "BIG!" His head suddenly expanded as he spoke. "BIG!" His head expanded even more. "[[BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER]]!" His head swelled up to the size of his own torso before shrinking back down to normal size.
Kris got to their feet, watching this Spamton character closely. The salesman cackled as he stared up at the ceiling. "THIS POWER IS..." He looked down at Kris. "FREEDOM. AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOU!"
"You're welcome, I guess," Kris replied, trying very hard not to show any sign of being creeped out.
Spamton hovered slightly closer. "Y'KNOW KRIS? I GOTTA SAY...YOU'VE BEEN MY MOST [[Best Customer]] IN A LONG TIME," he said. "MAYBE THE BEST ONE I'VE EVER HAD! YOUR [[Genorisity]] HAS HELPED ME FINALLY GET THAT [Workout Ready Bod] I'VE BEEN AFTER FOR [[Forever]]!"
His optics dimmed, and he lowered his head. Even his grin seemed to fade.
"...And I think you've been the only [Friends Request Accepted] I've had in years," he said softly, his already-glitchy voice cracking. Kris thought he heard a quiet sob from the big guy.
Spamton's head picked back up, the eerie, toothy grin back on his face.
"BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT! WHAT KIND OF [[BIG SHOT]] WOULD I BE IF I DIDN'T HOLD UP MY END OF THE [[DEAL]]? SO ENJOY A [[Free Gift]] COURTESY OF OUR [[Loyalty Rewards Program]]!"
He held out his long, lanky right arm. There was a loud grinding of gears as metal panels in his forearm opened up and rearranged themselves into a rounder shape. It glowed brightly, revealing a deep hole that was definitely the barrel of a cannon. Kris jumped backward and immediately whipped out their sword. They knew this was a bad idea!
The upgraded spambot suddenly lowered his gun and backed off a little. "WHOA, KRIS! [[Hold Your Horses Thar, Pardner]]! WHAT'S WITH THE [[Pointed Stick]]?!"
"You're about to shoot me!" the young knight barked, rolling their eyes.
"SHOOT YOU? ME?" Spamton let out a laugh that caused his head to jerk around his shoulders. "KRIS, YOU [[OUCH, IT BURNS!]] ME! I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT! I'M AN [[Honest Man]] NOT A [[Garbage Can]]!"
"Then what do you call that?!" they growled, pointing at Spamton's cannon arm which had not powered down in the slightest.
"IT'S YOUR [[Free Gift]]! SEE?"
With that, he fired a shot into the air. A bright blue plastic egg floated down in front of Kris on a small parachute. Curious, they caught it in midair. The egg opened like a clamshell with a shower of confetti and glitter. Inside was a coupon for one free CD bagel that expired several years ago.
"Uh, thanks. I think," they replied, putting the egg in their pocket. "Now, uh...could you maybe do me a favor and fly me and my friends up to where our other friend is being held captive?"
"NORMALLY, I'D BE HAPPY TO TAKE YOU [[All Around Town]], MY [little sponge]. BUT THERE'S ONE LITTLE PROBLEM..." Spamton transformed his arm back to its normal shape and plucked at one of his green cables, glaring at it as he did so.
"Ah, your wires?"
"YES! THESE [[!#$!]] STRINGS!" The spambot's grin became a sneer. "I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITH THESE [[Fifty Percent Off]] THINGS TYING ME DOWN! WHERE DID THEY COME FROM, ANYWAY?"
"I think they're-" Kris started to say.
Spamton didn't hear them, however. His face turned bright red. "THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS [ Body] WAS SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE A PUPPET ANYMORE! BUT THESE [REDACTED] STRINGS ARE ALL OVER !"
The young knight started slowly backing away from the enraged robot, whose strung-up body began to pixelate.
"H0W 4M I SUPP0SED TO BE A [[BIG SHOT]] IF I'M N0T [[WARNING: System Overheating]]?!" he roared, steam pouring out his neck. "HOW AM I HOW AM I [[Rebooting in 5...4...]] HOW AM I [[3...]] HOW AM I-"
There was the sound of machinery powering down as Spamton abruptly stopped ranting and his optics turned dark. His head limply hung forward, and his face turned back to white. Seconds later, his body hummed to life again, and he jerked upright.
"AHH, SOMEBODY HELP!" he gasped, his optics flashing back on. He then started looking around in a confused manner before turning to Kris. "UH, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN...?"
"I think those wires are your power cords," the young knight answered. "Maybe you just need to charge yourself for a bit."
Spamton shook his head. "NO CAN DO, [[Bucko]]. I CHECKED THIS THING'S SCHEMATICS! [[Batteries Not Included]] - ITS FUEL CELL IS INCOMPLETE!"
Kris sighed. There was always something, wasn't there? " Well...after I rescue my friend and stop the Queen, I'll take you to a place where maybe someone can fix you."
"STOP...THE QUEEN?!" the robot cried, panic rising in his voice. "BUT SHE'S GOT A ! YOU'LL NEVER YOU'LL NEVERYOU'LL NEV ER-" His eyes went static for a second. "WELL, [[Ol' Buddy]], I HATE TO [Spring Sale!] THIS ON YOU, BUT DESPERATE [[Free Smartwatch]] CALLS FOR DESPERATE [Yardsticks, $4.99]. I'VE GOT A [[SPECIL DEAL]] THAT WE CAN DO RIGHT HERE, [No Money Down]!"
Before Kris could ask, Spamton suddenly swung uncomfortably close to them.
"KRIS, I WANT. TO MAKE YOU. MY BUSINESS PARTNER."
The human blinked. "But I don't-"
They were cut off as the robot lowered himself to the ground on one knee. He placed one big hand on Kris's shoulder and dragged them closer to him.
"TOGETHER, WE'LL [CALL] THE [[SHOTS]] FOR ONCE! WE'LL RESCUE YOUR [sorry, but the princess in in another castle], AND WE'LL DEFEAT THAT [h0chi mama]! AND THEN WE'LL STAND UP WITH OUR HEADS IN THE CLOUDS AND LOOK INTO..." He paused and swung his free hand out in front of them. "...HEAVEN..."
Kris swore they saw tears in his optics as he enunciated that last word. "What's the catch?" they asked, raising an eyebrow.
They knew they weren't going to like the answer, and sure enough, they didn't. For Spamton's already big smile widened as he said, "I JUST NEED [[One Easy Installment]] OF THAT SOUL OF YOURS!"
"NO!" Kris slipped out of the robot's grip and held up their blade. "No deal!"
"AW COME ON, [[little sponge]]!" Spamton pleaded as he stood back up. "I'M ONLY GOING TO BORROW IT FOR A LITTLE BIT! DON'TCHA WANNA HELP YOUR OLD PAL?"
"You can't have my SOUL," the human said plainly.
"NO, HUH?" Spamton sighed. "WELL, I HATE TO FORCE YOU TO TAKE A [[Deal]], BUT THE QUEEN JUST DOESN'T MESS AROUND. I"M GONNA HAVE TO MAKE THE [[Offer You Can't Refuse]]!"
He stood absolutely still as his optics went black again. Strings of code made white trails in his blank eyes. Meanwhile, Kris took the opportunity to sneak out of the room. They didn't get far, however, before something started happening to Spamton's body.
First, tiny hexagonal pixels dug through his body from the chest outward, covering every part of him except for his cables. It was different from his normal glitching; this looked like his body was covered in bugs. Then he started to ripple, as if he were made of water. Seconds later, his body returned to normal, and his optics reactivated. He turned to the human, his body now dripping an unknown liquid.
"NOW KRIS, OL' PAL, YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF...HOW DO I PLAN TO [[borrow]] YOUR [[HeartShapedObject]] WITHOUT [[Damage The Merchandise]]?" Spamton said. "WELL, I'LL TELL YA...
The teenaged knight backed away, keeping a close eye on his opponent. The tall robot continued to slowly advance on them. Mysterious pink and black fluids leaked out of him with every step, giving him the appearance of melting. The metallic puddle somehow followed his feet.
"I USED TO HAVE ANOTHER GOOD [sponge] CALLED MIKE," Spamton continued. "HE GAVE ME ONE LAST UPGRADE BEFORE WE LOST CONNECTION!"
It was then that Kris backed into something cold and hard. They looked over their shoulder to see that they had run out of track, and was now up against the wall. They glared at the encroaching salesman as they tried to shuffle to their left.
But then they froze in their tracks as Spamton's features began to sag and dissolve. Except for the cables, his entire body was liquefying into a dark pink heap at his feet.
"HE TOLD ME IT WOULD ONLY [[Activate Your Gift Card]] WHEN THE TIME WAS RIGHT," he explained as that long nose of his melted off his face. "I GUESS THAT TIME IS [[Call Now]]!"
Spamton let out a cackle of varying pitches before collapsing into a metallic magenta heap. The cables remained solid, stuck inside it.
Kris stared at the huge blob in horror, almost dropping their sword. Was he gone? Gone for good? How could turning a robot into molten slag be considered an "upgrade" in any way, shape, or form?! They took a deep breath. As heartless as it sounded, at least this problem...solved itself. Such a shame it had to come to this. Anyway, they needed to get out of here; their friends must be getting worried.
But before they could even so much as take a step, the metal ooze began to move. It rapidly gathered itself together into one large mass. It reared itself up to its previous height...
It lunged at them!
The young knight jumped out of the way, missing being engulfed by a hair's breadth. The pink slime slammed into the stone wall behind them hard enough to put a hole in the wall and cause the room to shake.
Kris immediately turned and ran down the tracks to the hallway, not bothering to look behind them. Just as they reached the doorway, however, they heard a sound like rushing water. They skidded to a halt just as a wave of liquid metal crashed down in front of them. It stretched itself over the door, completely gumming up the only exit.
Trapped! Kris gritted their teeth. This was something out of a sci-fi movie - only they didn't have a vat of molten steel handy! They did, however, notice that the cables were still laced throughout the slimy mass. Maybe they could...
The upper half of Spamton's robot body and part of his wings emerged from metallic ooze. His previous coloring returned, though his features were running and dripping. "WAIT, KRIS! DON'T RUN OUT ON THIS [[Deal Of A Lifetime]]!" he shouted. "THIS IS FINALLY YOUR CHANCE TO BE A [[BIG SHOT]]!"
His gooey chest suddenly bulged and burst open with a sickening splat, spraying metal everywhere. Three large silver hearts on tendrils slithered out of the opening, each sporting a face similar to their master. They made a beeline for Kris, coiling around them.
Acting quickly, Kris cut off the heads of two of them, which splattered all over the ground. The last one opened its jaws wide and lunged, attempting to swallow them whole. Kris jumped into the air, springboarding off its head with a squelch. They used that momentum to launch themself at Spamton's right shoulder, where they slashed at his cables in midair. As they landed back on the ground, the cables fell away, and the giant spambot's last heart and right arm dissolved into pixelated liquid. His mass partially peeled away from the door, but not enough to slip around him.
"NOT COOL, KRIS! NOT COOL!" Spamton cried. He rubbing his melted shoulder with his good hand, a pained expression on his face.
The young knight just sneered back at him. "Get out of my way," they ordered.
The oozing robot smoothly morphed his remaining forearm into a cannon. "ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME DO THIS?!" he sighed. "WE SHOULDN"T EVEN BE [[Round 2: Fight!]]"
Kris steeled themself as Spamton's cables glowed lime green, and his cannon barrel glowed white. He opened fire with a spray of electric blue bullets, which turned out to be more of those clam-like eggs. However, they were now gelatinous and splattered on the floor like paintballs. The human dodged several of them, then nearly fell over when their foot caught on something. They had unwittingly stepped in a blue puddle, and their boot was glued to the floor. As Kris tried to remove the stuck boot, Spamton fired another glue egg right next to them. It splashed their free foot and most of their leg, hardening into steel almost instantly.
"[For A Limited Time Only], TRY OUR NEW SOFT-BOILED [[Pipis]]!" Spamton announced. "THEY'RE NON-EXPLOSIVE! NON-TOXIC! QUICK DRYING! AND COME WITH A [[Kung Fu Grip]]!" He lowered his cannon, and his grin faded from his face. "Now can we talk?" he said in that softer voice.
Kris glared up at the giant robot as they struggled to get their feet free. As they did, they felt a tingling in their chest. It radiated out through their whole body and collected in their right palm. It felt as if their very SOUL was changing...
"LISTEN TO ME KRIS, WE BOTH WANT THE SAME [[Great Deal]]!" Spamton continued. "WE BOTH WANT TO SEE THE QUEEN DEFEATED, RIGHT?"
They didn't answer. They found that they could suddenly concentrate energy into their hand via their SOUL. They hid the hand in question from the salesman's prying optics until they could fully charge it.
"BUT THE THING IS, SHE'S GOT A !" Spamton gritted his teeth as he fought his voice program. "SHE'S GOT A GIA-[[Access Denied]]!"
He was cut off by Kris suddenly strafing him with a volley of golden shots from their finger. The energy bullets pierced through the cables in Spamton's left arm and shoulder, causing his Pipis cannon to melt. A stray bullet struck the mechanical fiend in his right optic, boring a hole through it and out the back of his head. He fell to the floor, slumping over and completely pulling away from the exit.
Meanwhile, Kris used their newfound ability to shatter the metallic glue holding their feet to the floor. They sized up the doorway as Spamton literally gathered himself together. It looked like a tight squeeze, but if they took a running leap, they could probably jump over his mass without getting sucked in. They sheathed their sword and took off sprinting, charging another energy bullet in case Spamton recovered and pulled a fast one.
Which he did...but not in the way that was expected.
"WAIT! WHAT ABOUT THE FOUNTAIN?!"
"What?!" Kris froze in the their tracks and turned to look at the gruesome spambot. How did he-?
"MIKE TOLD ME EVERYTHING, KRIS," Spamton said as his body rapidly repaired itself. New arms were starting to emerge from his shoulders, and the hole in his face was closing up complete with a new optic lens. His last remaining cables were glowing ominously bright. "HE SAID YOU WOULD COME HERE TO [[Close Out Sale!]] THE FOUNTAIN AT THE TOP OF THE CASTLE, AND PREVENT THE [DATA EXPUNGED]. BUT TO DO THAT, YOU HAVE TO DEFEAT THE QUEEN...AND SHE'S GOT A ROBOT THAT'S EVEN [BIGGER] THAN ME! IF YOU CHALLENGE HER NOW, SHE'LL [[Butternut Squash, $4.99 Per Pound]] YOU LIKE A !"
The human just stood there, their head swimming with questions and confusion. Who was this "Mike"? How did he know about them and what they were doing here? And the Queen also had a robot? Was it that huge statue they saw earlier?
Those few seconds of hesitation was all Spamton needed. A sinister grin spread across his face as his wires glowed brighter and his gelatinous mass began to bubble. He turned dark purple and began to expand out in all directions. His body swiftly covered up the doorway again, and continued to grow all the way up to the cavern's ceiling. Kris ran for cover, lest they be engulfed.
"THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD JUST LET YOUR OLD PAL SPAMTON BORROW YOUR SOUL FOR A BIT!" he boomed in a voice that made Kris's ears ring and the walls tremble. "I CAN HANDLE THAT [[HOCHIEST]] OF [[MAMAS]] FOR YOU! IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO TO PAY YOU BACK!"
Just as he finished those words, his massive body burst like a balloon, filling the cavern with a tidal wave of purple metal. Kris ran as fast as they could to one of the side rooms, but the sludge was faster. A cascade of steel crashed down on them and swept them away. The last thing they remembered before they blacked out was a stinging sensation all over their body, as if they were being eaten alive by ants.
The violet tide calmed itself before beginning to shrink. It converged on the spot where Kris had fallen, turning back to its magenta coloring. A humanoid figure emerged from the metallic ooze, roughly the same size and stature as the human. Then its arms and legs began to stretch like taffy until it was as tall as Spamton's robot body when it was still solid. A pair of wings with angular metal "feathers" burst from its back. It changed into the robot's pink and yellow coloration as it solidified, and formed a sharp-edged steel replica of Kris's hair.
Its face, however, was bright white. A rictus grin with oversized flat teeth stretched across it. One of its optic lenses was yellow, and the other pink.
There were no cables or wires attached to it, no strings to hold it back.
"YOU SEE [[little sponge]]? THIS ISN'T SO BAD!" the fiend said in Spamton's voice. "NOW I GET TO USE THE POWER OF YOUR [HeartShapedObject], AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO [[dead]]! ISN"T THIS A MUCH BETTER DEAL, [pardner]?"
Kris didn't answer. The thing frowned as much as its big teeth would allow. A quick check of their vitals revealed that they were not seriously injured, but they were unconscious.
"[[Valued Customer]]! IT SEEMS YOU HAVE BEEN [Knocked Senselis]!" Spamton said. "NO PROBLEM, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE YOU [[If You Have Suffered A Concussion, You May Be Entitled To Compensation]]! I WILL ASK AGAIN WHEN YOU [Rise and Shine]!"
Suddenly, the sound of footsteps echoed through the cavern. They were coming from the hallway to the stairs.
"Kris! What the hell's going on down here?!" a deep feminine voice shouted. "If you're kickin' someone's ass, don't beat 'em without me!"
"Kris! Where are you?!" a young man's voice called. "We heard a commotion down here! Are you okay?"
Ah, that's right. The [[little sponge]] mentioned they had friends, didn't they? However, this body only had room for one passenger. Since they were friends of Kris, he'd leave them alone as long as they didn't get in his way.
Oh, and didn't Kris say they had another friend of theirs being held hostage somewhere? Spamton figured he should go rescue them, just to sweeten the deal. And maybe to make up for having to "convince" them to take the deal the hard way. After that, he could go get his revenge on the Queen. And then...[HEAVEN] awaits!
He charged up his Pipis cannon and fired a single shot into the ceiling, blasting a hole to the first floor. He then spread his wings and flew straight up through the opening, just as Susie and Ralsei barreled into the room.
The monster warrior and the Dark Prince just stood there gawking at all the debris in the cavern, and wondering what exactly happened in here. And what could have possibly become of their friend, Kris?
The End