Chapter Eighty: Anna Speaks

Sobriety.

Ugh.

Anna Carrero was reasonably sure she could open up any thesaurus and find 'sobriety' listed as a synonym under 'misery'.

Sobriety and inebriation had become alternating states of being, cycling through Anna's life with the impassive certainty of night and day. Misery was the constant. Sober, drunk, or wasted – it didn't matter. Life sucked every which way.

A twinge of pain made itself known behind Anna's left eye. It was her headache. This headache had shown up after the initial detox last week, and it had yet to abate. Anna winced quietly, massaging around the tender spot with two fingers.

She continued to stroll down the deceptively long corridor, stepping aside for any Prospitian crewmembers who came bustling past.

The Prospitian naval personnel were so busy. Seriously. It made Anna's headache flare up, watching the sailors and marines curtly quick-stepping their way through the corridors. There was no small talk. The marines and sailors never spoke with each other about happy nothings. No discussions of preference for Coke vs. Pepsi, no complaints about sleep deprivation, no clamoring about last week's episode of Lost…

Anna blinked, bringing herself back into the moment. There had once been a time when she drunkenly wandered the halls of Downingtown East High School. She would absorb all the small talk and her head would throb. Now she missed it. Now there was no small talk, and Anna's head throbbed anyway.

Anna left the corridor and entered a stairwell, climbing up towards the deck.

This was such bullshit. Putting down the liquor bottle should make a person feel better, not worse.

Yes, Anna was acutely aware of the biological reasons why withdrawal sucked. She knew her endocrine system was fried worse than shitty Chinese food. She knew the neurotransmitters in her brain, suppressed by the constant flow of alcohol over the past couple years, were now going utterly haywire. She understood this very well.

And it was still bullshit.

As Anna climbed the stairs, she reflected on her alcoholism. She wondered how many drinks she'd consumed throughout her life. Was it even possible to calculate such a thing? How does one account for all the nuances, like finishing a drink halfway and refilling it? Or finishing the remnants of other people's unwanted/forgotten beverages?

What even counted as a 'drink'? Did shots of liquor hold the same value as a water bottle filled with jungle juice, or a glass of wine? Anna didn't think so. She would need to devise a point value system in order to work it out.

Perhaps it would be easier to think in terms of volume. How many cubic liters of booze have passed through Anna's body? If it were all gathered in one place, how much space would it take up? A swimming pool? Three swimming pools?

Anna had no clue.

The door at the top of the stairs hissed aside for Anna, triggered by a hidden motion sensor.

She stepped outside. The door slid shut behind her.

All was quiet on deck.

The White Shadow crept through the inky darkness of the Medium's interplanetary space. There were no stars in the incipisphere. Stars were for universes, and this was not a universe. Were it not for the soft ambient lighting on the White Shadow's deck, Anna would not have even been able to see her hands held up to her face.

She breathed in deeply through her nose, out through her mouth.

Her exhalation was one of the only audible noises out here on the deck. She came up here often for precisely that reason – it was so quiet. Part of living on the White Shadow was getting used to the omnipresent hum of the engines. It reverberated softly throughout the entire ship. It was not unpleasant to listen to. Sometimes it even helped Anna sleep.

All the same, it was no substitute for silence, and it was silence right now that Anna craved.

Anna wandered the deck. There were energy cannons mounted along the sides of the deck. Taking up most of the top deck's central space was a series of platforms bearing a giant railgun. Anna studied them for a few moments. She'd explored those railgun platforms last time she visited the top deck. This time, she was less inclined to do so.

Instead, Anna made her way aft. She walked slowly, taking time between each step, ignoring the shouting in order to soak up the silence.

Wait. Shouting? Who was shouting?

The raised voices were coming from the observation deck, which rested atop a tall platform near the White Shadow's stern. Anna could not make out any of the words, but she recognized the voices as those of Tami and Cruz.

Uh-oh.

Two fellow teenagers who started a relationship after an impulsive kiss were now fighting. What a surprise. Anna had seen this coming from miles away. She considered devising a way to get close enough to eavesdrop without being noticed, only to be interrupted by a quiet cough.

Anna turned around.

Hunched over the rail was a Prospitian marine sergeant. A cigarette hung limply between two fingers, smoldering. The Prospitian brought the cigarette up to her mouth, took a drag. She noticed Anna looking at her and reached into a pocket, producing a pack of cigarettes.

The cigarettes were American Spirits.

"Look like you could use one of these, Seer," the Prospitian observed. She removed a cigarette from the pack, offered it.

Anna hesitated. Then she shrugged and accepted the cigarette. One addiction at a time. She retrieved a Bic lighter from her sylladex and set the cigarette aflame, breathing in the nicotine. She joined the Prospitian and rested her arms on the rail, exhaling the smoke.

"You have a name?" Anna asked.

The Prospitian nodded. "The Muse calls me G. You may do the same, if you wish."

"Well-spoken for a marine," Anna remarked.

The Prospitian gave no outward reaction to Anna's prod. "And how many marines have you spoken with?"

"Um…" Anna's forehead creased in a frown. "Well, some United States Marines, over the course of my life, all of whom are now dead, but you're the first Prospitian marine."

"Then this is momentous." G's neutral tone rendered it impossible for Anna to tell if she was being sarcastic or merely making an observation.

The nascent conversation petered out and silence settled in. Anna's cigarette slowly burned down to halfway. She gave it a light flick, knocking off the curl of ash. Then G broke the silence with an unexpected question.

"Are you feeling better?" G asked. Anna's only response was a surprised look on her face. G went on to say, "I know what alcohol is. I also know what alcohol withdrawal is."

"Carapacians drink?"

"Well, we certainly smoke." G raised her cigarette, took another drag. "Stands to reason we drink, too."

"Makes sense," Anna agreed. "I feel fine. Shitty, but fine. If that makes sense."

"It does."

Another silence. Anna and G finished their cigarettes. They flicked the still-smoking cigarette butts over the rail. The smoldering butts spun away into space where there was no friction to slow them down. Eventually they would leave the Medium and enter the Furthest Ring, where millions of discarded cigarette butts already floated.

On the observation deck above, Cruz and Tami continued to fight. Both had raised their voices. Anna could make out individual words and phrases. G heard them, too, though she did not understand any of it.

"Why do the Muse and the Sage argue?" the Prospitian asked.

"Because they're two very different people who think they're in love, but really they're just scared shitless and looking for comfort." Anna was surprised by the tonelessness of her voice. "Can't blame them. I actually think it's adorable."

G's only expression was a blank stare. She produced her pack of American Spirits, plucked out two more. She offered one to Anna. "Want another?" the Prospitian asked.

Anna eyed the cigarette. She did want it, but… "I shouldn't," she said.

"That's not what I asked."

Another hesitation. Followed by another shrug. Anna accepted the cigarette.

They smoked in silence.

The nicotine calmed Anna's jittery nerves. She knew the feeling of calm was a chemically-induced lie, but she was grateful for it. Fake calm was better than no calm.

The argument on the observation deck escalated. Cruz and Tami were pretty much shouting at each other, now. Anna could make out entire sentences. She pieced together an impression of the entire argument without even meaning to.

Cruz never answered his texts.

Tami stressed out all the time, and her stress was infectious.

Cruz didn't pay attention to half the things Tami said to him.

Tami read too deeply into everything Cruz said to her.

Cruz did not understand why Tami felt the need to constantly text him when they were on the same fucking ship.

Tami wanted to talk about home.

Cruz did not.

And to top it all off, they were running low on condoms.

Anna could not help but giggle, in spite of her gray mood. Eavesdropping was fun. Eavesdropping on fighting couples was the most fun.

"What is funny, Seer?" G asked.

"Them." Anna gestured over her shoulder toward the observation deck.

"Why?"

"Ever listen to a good fight between lovers?"

"No."

"Oh. Okay. Well. It's like this. Being in a relationship is a giant puzzle. You love another person. But that person will always have habits, tendencies, quirks that don't mesh very well with your own. The puzzle pieces don't fit. And so you fight." By now, the laughter had completely faded. "It's futile, though. You can't ever solve someone else's puzzle. All you can do is accept them for who they are, maintain open channels of communication, and focus on arranging your own puzzle pieces in a way that doesn't stink. All Tami and Cruz need to do is relax and have a calm discussion like adults. But that won't happen."

"You don't think so?"

"Nope." Anna took one last drag from her second cigarette.

"Why not?"

"It takes time and patience for a relationship to work. We have no time. None of us are patient. And how are any of us supposed to relax? This is the most relaxed I've been in a long time, and I'm still fucking stressed."

Anna flicked the smoldering cigarette butt off into space. She watched it drift away.

"Probably doesn't help that we still have the emotional maturity of children," Anna continued, her gaze still fixed on the departed cigarette butt. "Honestly, if you ever took a stroll through one of our high schools, you'd've drowned underneath all the hormones. Everyone who wasn't fucking each other was imagining fucking each other. It was fun, G, don't get me wrong. Adults frowned on it, which made it even better. But it had its price. Most kids my age were sexually repressed, and the social circles of my high school did not take kindly to my openness. That's when the names started flying. Slut. Whore. Schrodinger's Petri Dish."

"Petri dish?" G raised both eyebrows at that one.

"Yeah, Schrodinger's Petri Dish. My ex-boyfriend Adam coined that one. He said anyone who slept with me had all STDs at once until you collapsed the wave function by getting tested after." Anna's voice trailed away and she was quiet for a moment. "Guess I've been holding onto that one for a long time. And I don't think he fully understood Schrodinger's experiment."

"Sounds like an asshole."

"He is an asshole," Anna agreed. "But I kinda deserved it. We dated for a little while, but it wasn't a real relationship. I was essentially using him to make someone else jealous. Our friend Gino. And it worked. Gino and I enjoyed each other for a while. Adam hated me for it, but that's just life. We were all assholes back then... Geez, I'm really running my mouth, today. I guess the booze wasn't behind the chattiness – that's been in me this whole time."

"Could be nerves," G suggested. "You've had yourself a long rest on this ship. But it won't last forever. Venting your thoughts to a witness can help. It feels as though you are leaving a piece of yourself behind, so when something bad happens to you there will at least be some part of the universe that remembers you existed."

"Shit." Anna took a deep breath. "Shit, G. Damn. You just slammed us both into heavy-land."

"I believe your commentary on budding sexuality slammed us there first."

"Fair enough. You're probably right. Probably just nerves. Probably definitely just nerves."

G pulled out the carton of American Spirits a third time. Two more cigarettes emerged. One went straight to the Prospitian's mouth, where it was promptly enkindled. The second cigarette waited between G's fingers, its fate as yet undecided. "Want another?" she asked.

Anna eyed the offered cigarette, indecisive. She was already two cigarettes deep. Would it be wise to continue? "I really shouldn't," she halfheartedly insisted. "They cause cancer, you know. And the sense of relaxation is complete bullshit. It's just the satiation of a nicotine craving. The craving always comes back."

"So do the cigarettes."

The argument on the observation deck swelled to a climax. Tami and Cruz were still screaming at each other. Angry footfalls clanged against the metal surface of the high platform. Someone was storming off. Anna could almost feel the metal deck tremor under her own feet.

Then there was no more screaming. Only the sound of sobbing.

"Jesus." Anna took the third cigarette and lit up. "That sounded messy."

"I would not wish one of your human relationships on my worst enemy," G remarked.

An asteroid floated by.

Anna almost did a double take. She'd grown very accustomed to staring out into infinity. When there was nothing to focus on, her eyes grew very relaxed. But now there was an asteroid, throwing her eyes into sudden focus. It was bewildering for a moment.

More asteroids followed. And they were the small ones. Anna looked over towards the front of the ship. The White Shadow was heading into a dense asteroid field. Millions of space rocks suspended in the void, spinning lethargically around their various axes. Some of them were car-sized, some house-sized, and some were the size of small towns.

Anna flicked the ash from the tip of her cigarette.

"It would appear we have arrived in the Veil," the Prospitian stated, smoke seeping through her teeth as she spoke.

"It would also appear you are a master of observation."

"Sarcasm, Seer?" G blinked. "After all the cigarettes we have shared?"

"Aw, see, G, I knew you had a sense of humor," Anna giggled. She finished her cigarette and discarded it, stepping away from the railing. "Thanks for the chat. I'd love to chat more, but I think Tami needs someone to talk to."

"I believe she needs a tissue first."

Anna left G at the rail. The Prospitian continued to smoke alone.

After climbing the nearest ladder to the top of the observation deck, Anna found Tami sitting on the floor, her back against the wall. She was still crying. Her eyeliner had streaked down her cheeks. She looked up at Anna. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot.

"Were you eavesdropping?" Tami asked. Her voice was hoarse from all the screaming. She sounded exhausted. There was no trace of accusation in her question, so Anna's reply was shameless.

"Yeah."

Tami gave a small nod. She'd been expecting that answer. "How much did you hear?"

"Enough to know there's trouble in Paradise."

"Paradise." Tami snorted. "Is that what a relationship is supposed to be? Because if it is, then I've clearly been doing it wrong." More tears seeped from her eyes. She started to break down again. "Dead wrong."

Anna's mouth curved in a knowing smile. Memories of relationships past and their turbulent conclusions drifted into her conscious awareness, triggered by Tami's experience. She sat down next to Tami, scooching up against the wall, bringing her knees up to her chin. She accessed her sylladex and retrieved a small pack of Kleenex tissues. "Here. You could probably use these."

"I'm alright, thanks…" Tami managed to say in between sobs.

"No, Tam. Your face is all snotty. I can see a giant booger coming out of your left nostril. Take the damn tissues."

Tami took the tissues. She blew her nose and got rid of the booger, much to Anna's relief. She used a second tissue to dab her eyes.

Anna's smile widened by a hair. "You know, Tam, I think it's adorable you still wear your makeup."

"C'mon, stop. You're just trying to make me stop crying."

"No, I'm dead serious! It's adorable. It's like a small piece of our old lives you've managed to keep alive." Anna allowed her knees to drop flat to the floor, resting her hands on her thighs. "I think sucking down all that rum was my small piece. I mean, yeah, I did a terrible thing to my body and mind, all that drinking, but… Well, there was something comforting about sipping from my flask, feeling the slight kick of alcohol in my throat... It was something I did all the time in our old lives. An old routine – like a security blanket, almost. Reminded me of better times."

"Were they better times, Anna?" Tami asked, pausing for a quick sniffle. "Were they really? I'm not so sure, anymore."

"They were better times." Anna's tone grew adamant. "Everyone was alive. We were going to college. We were going to become real people. Find love… The world was at our fingertips, Tam, and most of us were too insecure to see it."

"Not much of a world at our fingertips now."

"Nope."

"What do you suppose happens after we finish this game?"

"No clue."

"Can't you…like…check through time and see?"

Anna fidgeted uncomfortably. "I've tried, but I can't see anything beyond next week. My view of the alpha timeline goes dark. It's a little scary."

"Sounds pretty scary," Tami murmured in agreement. She blinked once and frowned for a moment, noticing something wondrous. "Well, look at that. I've stopped crying."

Anna giggled. "It's my aura."

"Your aura's real nice," Tami said, "but nicotine coursing through my circulatory system would be much nicer. I don't suppose you have any cigarettes?"

"Cigarettes? No." Anna's smile widened even further. "But I have a friend here who smokes. She's probably still smoking on deck, actually. Want to go see her? I think you've already met."

"Depends. Does she have Marlboro smooths?"

"No. American Spirits."

"Ew!" Tami wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Spirits taste like squirrel pee."

"She probably has other kinds. She seems like the kind of person who would incorporate variety into her cigarette collection."

"I hope so, because if I have to smoke American Spirits I might throw up after."

"Well, you wouldn't have to smoke. It would be your choice."

"No, Anna, I have to. A cigarette needs to be smoked, and it needs to be smoked immediately."

Anna continued to smile. Tami was already sounding more like her old self. Anna helped Tami up off the floor and onto her feet. They started to head for the ladder that extended down to the deck below, but they only made it three or four steps before the observation deck's ambient lighting flashed red.

"Cruz, Anna, Tami. You hear me?" the voice issued from the shipwide COM system. Anna immediately recognized the voice as that of Abigail Tarrant. Adam's older sister. "You are needed in the hangar bay. Ms. Arevalo and I will be waiting for you there. Please do not make me come looking for you."

The ambient lightning returned to normal.

Anna shared a glance with Tami. "Looks like we're about to rejoin the mess. You gonna be okay without that cigarette?"

"I guess I'm gonna have to be."