Chapter 42

He just needed 20 minutes of distraction before the briefing, and then his mind would be clear enough to face his officers. Just twenty minutes of intense exercise and then a quick shower. Carrying his fencing helmet under one arm, and clad in a grey t-shirt and sweatpants, he neared a holodeck on deck 10. Of course, there was a chance that he would run into someone he knew, given that he had chosen the holodeck closest to his quarters. Rounding the corner, he nearly ran into Wesley Crusher, as had happened more times than he would have liked since beginning this voyage. Even worse, was that Beverly Crusher was just a few steps behind her son.

"Oh, sorry, Captain!" Wesley was, as usual, mortified.

Picard gave the teen a quick nod. "No apologies necessary, Mr. Crusher." He slowed long enough to say "hello doctor," prior to moving on. But Wesley apparently had something more to say.

"Captain?"

Merde. Picard halted and turned to find both Crushers watching him with distinctly different expressions.

He took a step forward. "Yes?"

"I-I just wanted to thank you for looking out for Hatha. Mom told me that you were able to track her down."

Jean-Luc stole a fleeting glance at Beverly. The way that she was watching him with a nervous, yet intimate expression made him feel physically exposed somehow. He crossed his arms over his chest and kept his focus on the teenager. "I was able to confirm only that she was with her mother in the hospital. And that was days ago, I'm afraid."

Wesley's cautiously hopeful expression collapsed immediately. "Sir-I just want to make sure that she's okay."

"I appreciate your concerns, Mr. Crusher. However, we are heading into a very uncertain situation, and unfortunately, I cannot make any promises about Hatha's safety. Now, if you will excuse me..."

He didn't want to crush the boy's spirits, but one had to be realistic about these things. He stepped away, and resumed his journey to the holodeck, realizing only at the last second that he was being followed.

Beverly slipped in behind him as the holodeck doors shut. He opened his mouth to protest, but she raised her hands prohibitively.

"Please," she said. "You have to let me speak. I know we have a briefing in 45 minutes, and I really don't want to have it be more awkward than it already is between us."

"So you followed me into the holodeck," he observed, trying to sound distant, while inside, his heart was pounding. Seeing that the intensity of her gaze had not lessened, he put his fencing helmet down on the black and yellow grid. Straightening to face her again, he remained quiet. He had spent so much time thinking about how he would apologize for what had passed between them before, but now his lips felt frozen in place. And as a result, she spoke first.

"First of all, I want to apologize about not telling you about Geordi," she began. "It all happened so fast from when Admiral Nechayev contacted me, that...well I need to know that you are not angry with me."

"I'm not angry with you, Doctor. You were following orders, and difficult ones at that. You did what you had to do."

Her face registered surprise, which left him a tad offended. He remembered what Nechayev had said, and he kept his temper from flaring.

"But that doesn't mean I feel it was the right thing not to tell you," she insisted.

He regarded her carefully. "I understand what you mean," he admitted, which was true. "Following orders can be complicated," he acknowledged. "Over the years, I have faced similar situations, and have struggled at times."

Crusher's forehead wrinkled incredulously. "Really?"

"Of course...did you expect differently?"

She looked as though she was about to respond, but then just clamped her mouth shut. She crossed her arms. "Thank you, Captain. For understanding."

He gave a short nod. "Is that all, then, Doctor?" He found he was now holding his breath hoping on the one hand that she would leave, and on the other that she would stay.

Still watching him, she shook her head slowly. "No...no, it's not. Look, Jean-Luc, I want you to know that going forward I can be professional, despite what happened between us."

He nodded. "Good. Beverly...I regret what occurred."

"You regret that you kissed me," she clarified.

"Yes."

She didn't look particularly surprised to hear him say that. Still, she asked, "Why?"

"It was inappropriate, and I apologize."

She covered her face briefly with her hands. "I just knew that you were going to apologize and try to sweep it under the rug."

Seeing no actual escape, he leaned back against the holodeck wall. It was safe to say he'd never had this exact conversation with one of his officers before, and he knew he was in uncertain territory. "What?"

She smiled, and although it was meant to cover some other emotion, he didn't sense any anger from her. "Jack told me all about you and the way you deal with relationships."

He felt the air grow still between them. "Oh? What did he tell you, exactly?" He wasn't sure that he wanted to know. It had always been difficult for him to maintain anything more than temporary relationships with women, which when he was younger, was fine. But during his friendship with Jack, this problem had become worse, particularly around the time Jack had started to date Beverly. Of course, he could not keep his difficulties a complete secret from Jack, even though he tried.

Beverly immediately seemed to regret her words. "Never mind...I'm not going to bring Jack into this."

Too late.

Beverly sighed and looked down at her hands. "Okay, I'm just going to be honest with you. I've been thinking about our...encounter for hours now, and it has been extremely difficult to concentrate on my work. I just didn't expect it to feel so intense." She raised her gaze to him again and stepped forward, taking his hand in hers. "And I've thought about what it would be like to kiss you back." Still holding his hand, she tightened her grip on his fingers in a way that made his pulse quicken again.

"Beverly," he murmured. "We can't..."

"I know," she admitted. "I gave you a hard time about the Tsiolkovsky incident because you were being so distant afterward, but now I understand why you were acting the way you were. I didn't realize that you felt this way."

He blinked and looked away. "Um..."

She dropped his hand and moved backward. "Jean-Luc, now that we can't hide our feelings behind a virus, I just don't know what to do. I fought hard to get this posting, and the Enterprise represents the height of your career. I think we should take a step back before anything else happens between us that we actually do regret. I would like to get to know you; to be your friend, the way I couldn't be when Jack and I were together."

He felt as though she had literally punched him in the chest, as all positivity exited his body along with his breath. She was right of course, but he should have been the one to say it. He should have been strong enough.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" Riker walked into the Captain's ready room. Ironically he felt not even the least bit ready for whatever Picard was going to throw at him next. He'd barely come to terms with the belief that Geordi had died, and now just days later they were faced with more questions. On top of that, he'd been thrown off by the sudden reappearance of someone from his past.

Picard waved him in distractedly. Oddly a fencing mask sat on top of the Captain's desk, like some kind of decoration. As he walked closer he could see that one side of the mask had been ripped, and the mesh faceplate was dented. Riker could imagine Picard hurling it against the holodeck wall in a fiery rage. But if that had happened, he couldn't tell by observing the captain, who seemed as composed and controlled as he always was. In front of him sat a steaming cup of tea; Riker went out on a limb and guessed Earl Grey. "Have a seat, Commander," said Picard, smoothly placing the fencing mask beneath his desk.

Riker sat down slowly, suddenly feeling unprepared for whatever might come next.

Picard sipped at his tea. "How is our new guest adjusting?"

"Counselor Allen is currently reviewing our records regarding the Tranans."

Picard nodded. "Good."

"Sir...I just want to let you know, full disclosure, I do know Sarah Allen. As does Counselor Troi."

"I know. Troi already told me."

Shit, Deanna beat me to it. "I don't think there will be any issues, sir."

"Issues? Of course, there won't be."

"But sir, I just want you to know that my feelings won't-"

"Commander... " Picard leaned forward and steepled his fingertips together with exacting patience. "Do you honestly think that I called you in here to discuss your personal feelings?"

Riker fought the urge to grin nervously. "No, sir."

After a moment, Picard seemed to take pity on him. "Will...you and Counselor Troi have exhibited professionalism thus far, despite your shared history. I certainly don't expect anything less from either of you now. As long as it doesn't interfere with your duties, your personal life is your own."

"Thank you, sir." It was clear the captain wasn't interested in dispensing advice of a personal nature, which in fact, Will could have used at that moment. Maybe later he would broach the subject again. He wasn't sure how to manage the fact that upon seeing Sarah again, he felt a new attraction to her after all these years. It felt more mature, but he was a little guilty that he felt it at all. After all, he had left Sarah for Troi, which had not gone over well with Sarah. She had almost immediately obtained a transfer off of Betazed, leaving Riker and Troi to pursue their young love affair. Despite having been unfaithful to Sarah Allen, he had much to thank her for. She had been his first consistent relationship, in part because Sarah was older and wiser than he was in so many ways.

Meanwhile, since joining the Enterprise, he and Troi hadn't really spoken about anything that had passed between them before they'd gone their separate ways three years before reuniting on the Enterprise. They had never officially broken up.

And now with Sarah Allen on board, Riker all of a sudden felt claustrophobic. He could tell that Picard had some kind of history with Beverly Crusher, and somehow, they had both managed to keep it professional. Maybe it would be safer to ask Beverly.

"What I do want you to understand," Picard was speaking, having changed the subject to his preferred topic, "Is that the likelihood of finding Mr. LaForge alive is small. And even if we do find him alive, he will never be the same."

"Admiral Nechayev said Geordi didn't die, sir. I assumed-"

"The Admiral said he didn't die on board the Enterprise. That doesn't mean he is still alive."

Riker sobered. "I understand, Captain."

"Do you? Have you ever lost an officer under your command, Mr. Riker?"

"Not technically sir."

"Technically..." Picard frowned and got up from his seat. "Explain."

"I had a colleague while on the Hood. She was killed during an away team mission."

"My condolences, Commander."

"Thank you, sir."

"Were you leading the mission at the time?"

"No, sir." It didn't have to be said that Picard had lost a number of people under his command, which was, of course, public knowledge. Such things often came with a starship command, but as storied a career as Picard had had so far, he would never be able to escape that shadow.

Picard nodded and sat down on the edge of his desk. "I see. Well, Commander, if Lieutenant LaForge is still alive, it will be your primary responsibility to reintegrate him into this crew. If he has been killed in the custody of the Ciapathians, the issues become more serious, more complex. And I need to know that I can count on you to keep a clear head and lead this crew, even when their emotions become difficult to manage."

"Absolutely, Captain. You can count on me."

"Good. Let's proceed to the briefing then."

The next morning...

Captain's Personal Log: We have arrived in orbit around the planet Ciapathia, and expect to beam down within the next four hours. According to all available records, the natural environment of the planet has been made virtually uninhabitable due to increased solar flare activity over the last fifty years. As a result, the Ciapathians have built elaborate cities, presumably containing all of their requirements for survival. Officially we are here to witness the change of power, and coronation of Del, the newest Ciapathian Premier. Unofficially, we are here to rescue Lieutenant Geordi LaForge, and a young Tranan named Li. I feel extremely uneasy about the fate of these two young men, but I am determined to ensure they both receive the justice they deserve.

Picard pulled his boots on distractedly, while he read the messages at his private terminal. He'd had a series of dreams the night before, all of which involved Beverly Crusher, and the thought of facing her in real life disturbed him. He was sure that work was exactly what he needed to distract him, and there was plenty of it. However, he couldn't complete his work without interacting with her, and in fact, she was part of the away team, that would be beaming down to Ciapathia.

His stomach felt queasy, but he ignored it. Possessing a poor appetite before a stressful mission was normal for him. He eyed the banana and a half-eaten piece of toast that sat next to his datapad, which began to buzz. Irritated, he picked it up and noted that it was not only a rambling written report from their new visitor, Counselor Sarah Allen, but a request to meet with him, in no less than a half hour, in sickbay of all places. Apparently, some Tranans had been deliberately injuring themselves to gain the attention of their deity; him. Of course, because he wasn't really a god, he'd had no idea they were going to such absurd lengths. He rubbed the top of his head, and sighed, tossing the datapad back on the table. Getting up, he tapped his communicator. "Picard to Troi."

"Troi here." The voice on the other end was notably groggy. Apparently, I am not the only one losing sleep.

"Counselor, did you read Counselor Allen's report?"

"Yes, sir. It was surprisingly thorough, considering her minimal contact with the Tranan people."

"Among other things, yes, it is quite thorough," he admitted. "But her recommendation that Rolani accompany us to Ciapathia is problematic at best."

"Sir, I would be happy to meet with you about your concerns at your convenience."

"Very good then, I'm scheduled to meet Counselor Allen in sickbay in 20 minutes. Please meet me there."