Ooof. So sorry it's been forever since an update. Obviously, the story will change quite a bit from here. I do want to go all the way through her recovery. It may take some time, but it hopefully will all get done. This is still a little heavy, but I don't think it's quite as dark. Thanks for the encouragement! Happy reading :)
Fingers touched her stomach. Gently at first, but then painfully firm. Olivia groaned and tried to push them away. They hurt. Hands were then on her arms, pulling them away from her stomach.
"No!" she cried. Without even opening her eyes, she knew who those fingers belonged to. The calluses on the fingertips always gave Lewis away. Sorrow settled on her chest like a block of cement. She couldn't breathe. She had fallen for it again. Her team hadn't found her. Lewis wasn't dead. She was still trapped in this stale prison, and no one was coming from her.
Something touched her nose, and Olivia pulled her arm free. Her eyes flew open to find Lewis' mocking face two inches from her face. "I want to go home!" She clawed at his face, vaguely aware of something wet on her face. Maybe it was tears. She cried so much it barely registered. "Stop touching me!"
Olivia bucked against the arm on her chest, unable to look away from the sneer above her. She should have just eaten the sandwich. She should have learned to appease Lewis by now. "I'm sorry," she pleaded. More fingers touched her, and her lungs started seizing. She had to breathe. The baby needed her to breathe. If only her lungs would work! Olivia struggled against her body, not understanding why her limbs felt so heavy. Darkness fell a moment later, dragging her back down. It wasn't fair. The darkness was supposed to be peaceful.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. They had taken too long. If they had just spent their time looking for Olivia instead of mourning her supposed death, they wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be here.
Fin pulled himself up from couch and started pacing the floor.
"That won't help," Amanda offered quietly.
"It won't hurt," Fin shuffled his feet together.
A whimper pulled five pairs of eyes together in an instant. They held their breath, waiting for another fight.
Brian was the first to look away. His head fell into his hands. How could things have gotten so far out of hand?
Fin gave up on pacing and collapsed on the couch by Nick. He hated waiting.
"Some of you could step away for a break," Captain Cragen offered. He leaned against the wall and rubbed his eyes. "This will be a long road. We could take shifts."
No one made a move. They weren't leaving her, not after all this time.
Her head hurt. It felt like a hammer went dancing inside her skull. The light coming in wasn't helping. Olivia groaned and reached for her head. She wished someone would cover the window. Her eyes flew open. There was a window?
"Hey."
Olivia spun her head to find the source of the voice and instantly regretted the quick movement.
"Take it easy," Amanda chided gently. "You're pretty banged up."
Olivia closed her eyes with a wince. She didn't need anyone spelling that out for her. Maybe if she rubbed her head, it would feel better. If she could just reach her head. What was wrong with her hands? She glanced down to see brown belts enclosed around both wrists. Terror came crashing over her shoulders. Was this a joke? Even freedom was an illusion? "Why – " her voice broke.
"I'll go get some water." Brian hastily grabbed the empty water pitcher from the stand beside her bed and bolted for the door.
"There were a few…uh, incidents," Fin interjected awkwardly.
Olivia glanced at the room full of people. She had spent every spare moment thinking of them for the past many months. None of them were looking her in the eye. "Did Lewis get free?"
Nick's eyes snapped to her face. "No!"
"He's dead, Olivia." Captain Cragen stayed near the door. "Saw him in the morgue myself this morning."
Olivia took a shaky breath and nodded. She pulled reflexively at her restraints. "Then what happened?" she croaked.
"You got a little restless, that's all," Amanda dismissed with a forced smile. "Nothing to worry about."
Olivia eyed her team but didn't say anything else. Arguing had consequences, and she was too tired to deal with that.
"Here we are!" Brian announced proudly. "The nurse's station is just outside. They even put some ice in it."
"Ice water?" Olivia's voice squeaked. Her cheeks turned pink, but no one paid attention to the blush. It had been such a long time since she had cold water. And speaking of a long time…"Can I get something to eat?"
"Name it." Fin stepped forward, immediately listing off a dozen restaurants.
"Just something hot."
"Hot like spicy? Or just something warm?" Fin inquired, grateful to feel useful.
Spicy? She could eat spicy? "Just something warm," she murmured. It would be too much trouble for him to find her spicy food. And Fin was already being so nice, she didn't need to be picky.
"There's a great Chinese place a block from here. I'll go pick something up. Amanda, why don't you come along and help me carry all this spicy warm food back?" Fin and Liv exchanged a brief smile before he headed out. Even after all this time, he could still read her like a book. She wanted spicy food, and he was going to find her some spicy food.
Amanda grabbed her jacket and patted Liv's knee. "We're glad to have you back."
Liv watched them walk out the door, jealous of their ability to go wherever they want. She remembered when that was her.
"If you're done punching nurses, we can take the restraints off," Brian said casually as he poured a cup of water for her.
"Punching nurses?" Olivia repeated. What was he talking about? She had never punched anyone.
Nick glared at Brian. "It was an accident."
Brian raised his eyebrows. "The last forty-eight hours have been a lot of things, but I'm pretty sure nothing happened on accident."
Forty-eight hours? She had been here for two days? Nothing made any sense.
Brian grabbed a straw and popped it in the cup. "You freaked out a little when they were checking your vitals. You're still a pretty strong fighter." His lips eased into a proud smile as he reached for her right hand.
Olivia felt some of the tension fade from her shoulders as one hand was freed, then the other. She shifted in the bed and frowned. What was on her belly? She moved to grab it, but Brian caught her hand before she could reach it. She met his eyes and saw something she didn't recognize.
"Drink the water," Brian suggested softly. He handed her the cup and waited till she took a few sips. "They had to put the restraints on after...the last time was a little rough. A nurse came in to check your IV. I guess you thought it was…him," Brian's voice trailed off.
Olivia's eyes darted between her friends before they fell back on the white belt circling her growing belly.
"It's the fetal monitor." Cragen looked at the wall behind her head. "The baby's heartbeat dropped when you pulled out your IV. That's when the doctors insisted on restraints."
She had pulled out her IV? The baby's heart wasn't working? The fingers on her arms…those weren't Lewis'? Olivia's chest tightened. "Is the baby okay now?" Her eyes closed as soon as she registered what she said. She wasn't supposed to care about this baby. "I just meant…was there any – when the – I mean…when can it…" Olivia's voice fell silent.
The room was silent for a moment. No one wanted to answer her question. No one really knew how to. People awkwardly avoided eye contact, and the men shuffled their feet.
Olivia's heart sank. She had done it again. Nothing good could come from opening her mouth. Lewis had been right about that too. Lewis had been right about everything. Nothing would ever be the same for her.
Olivia twirled the bedsheet between her fingers as she stared out the window. The sunset had so many pretty colors. She had missed it. The purple swirled into the orange. Dusk colored enough of the clouds gray to provide a perfect backdrop. A part of her cynically informed her she should be finding a way to compare the clouds to her current state of affairs, but she quickly shushed the voice. Her well-meaning friends had finally been convinced quiet would help her rest. For the first time in countless days, she had just a little bit of freedom. A little bit of privacy.
"Olivia Benson?"
Her body jerked. Olivia's flew to the source - a young blond. The woman wore green scrubs that matched her eyes. A simple silver locket hung around her neck. A quick glance found her fingernails jagged and her tennis shoes scuffed. Minus the sparkling white coat, this seemed like an ordinary woman.
"This is the first time I've seen your room empty." The newcomer offered a warm smile. "Your friends really care about you."
Olivia stared at the doctor. She could feel her blood pressure rising. This woman was too close. This woman knew too much about her life. None of the people she knew were here. How was she supposed to get through a conversation on her own?
"I'm Doctor Cadman. May I sit?" The doctor tilted her head towards rolling chair tucked in the corner.
Olivia glanced between the chair and the doctor, uneasiness settling in. "I guess." What was she supposed to say? She wanted to say no. It had taken a full two hours to get everyone out of her room. It was too many people. It had just been Lewis and her for months…minus the occasional third party. She didn't know what to do with five people staring at her and trying to figure out what to talk about.
Doctor Cadman sat on the chair, oblivious to Olivia's internal conflict. The doctor did, however, have the wisdom to keep her chair in the corner – as far away from Olivia as possible. She lifted the clipboard into her lap and flipped through the pages.
Olivia shifted on the bed. This silence made it difficult to breathe. Silence was a bad sign. It led to pain. It led to guessing games where she always lost. How had she already done something wrong? Olivia had spent less than five minutes with a new person and already ticked them off. Maybe the doctor thought Olivia should have been stronger. Should have been able to fight Lewis off. Or maybe the doctor thought she was a psycho. After all, Olivia had let the nightmares terrorize her into attacking the hospital staff. Who did that?
Doctor Cadman placed the chart in her lap and looked back at her patient. "I'm not a big fan of small talk. What do you say we just dive right in? Is that okay?"
So many questions. Why were there always so many questions?
Doctor Cadman hesitated at the lack of response. "Do you know who I am? Has anyone mentioned me to you?"
Olivia frowned and slowly shook her head. She looked up to find a wary look in the doctor's eyes.
"I thought not."
Olivia's heart started pounding. That was why the doctor was quiet? Olivia was supposed to know who she was?
"It's okay," Doctor Cadman interjected quickly. She put a hand up as panic grew in Olivia's face. "You've had a horrific thing happen to you, and I cannot imagine how overwhelming the last two days have been for you."
Olivia's eyes dropped as she went back to playing with the sheet. Her fingers needed something to do.
Doctor Cadman stayed quiet for a moment. "I don't think you're going to like me."
Olivia's eyes snapped to the doctor. "Why?" she croaked.
The doctor smiled, but it wasn't a forced smile. It wasn't even a pity smile. It was a genuine smile. "I'm an OBGYN. Even healthy people don't like me."
Was that a joke? She couldn't tell. It had been awhile since she had been around people. Was she that far gone? She couldn't even understand jokes?
"I'm here to have a conversation you probably don't want to have."
Olivia's eyes fell back down. This was it. She had to decide. They would expect her to terminate the pregnancy immediately. Could she ask for more time to think without her being a monster?
"I'm going to start with the main thing you are likely thinking about and go from there. Is that okay?"
Olivia forced herself to nod. The little girl with curly brown hair flashed in her mind. That girl did have a cute laugh. Pancakes on Saturday was not a bad idea, either. Logically speaking, there was no way to know the kid in her belly would turn out like that.
Doctor Cadman squinted at the look on Olivia's face. "This is not going to be a pleasant conversation, but it is one that we need to have so we know how we can help you get better. Okay?"
Olivia nodded again. Her nose was burning. Why was her nose burning?
"You are very weak. You're malnourished and dehydrated. The IVs have you mostly up to speed with your liquids, but it will take a little longer to fix the nutrients. You were deprived of a lot of things, and I know you don't need me to break that down for you. The plastic surgeon wants to repair your shoulder. You also have a few deep cuts in your feet that were sewed closed when you arrived, but they may need long term care. The podiatrist thinks there may been nerve damage."
Olivia's eyebrows went up. No one had told her that. Then again, there hadn't exactly been a lot of talking time.
Doctor Cadman paused to give Olivia time to absorb the details. "What this boils down to is the head doctor in charge of your care has insisted that you recover for two weeks before any procedure is done. The plastic surgeon wants to work on you as soon as you are cleared. He thinks he can help with the scaring on your shoulder."
Olivia clenched her hands at the thought of a man touching her shoulder. Would he see her breasts then? Lewis had burnt a large area of skin. Could she request a different doctor? No, no…she was being ridiculous. It was just a doctor, they did this all the time. She would make it through.
"Do you know what I'm saying?" Doctor Cadman gently rolled forward a few inches. Concern slid into her profile at the lack of emotion from Olivia.
"No," Olivia murmured. She appreciated the information but had no idea why an OBGYN was telling her this.
"It means that any other procedure you want to have done, such as terminating this pregnancy, will have to wait until after you recover from the surgery to repair your burns. The skin is almost at the point they can't fix it, so it's critical that is done first. You are looking at about three weeks before an abortion could be completed."
A pained squeak came out of Olivia's throat. She didn't have to decide today. She had three weeks to get her head on straight and figure this out. Three weeks to figure out if the baby inside her would come out like Lewis or come out normal. The doctor kept talking, something about options and medication. Familiar tears flooded her eyes. Olivia brought her hands up to her face and let the floodgates come. She had been awake for hours dealing with emotions she couldn't even name. She couldn't keep the tears at bay anymore.
Doctor Cadman stood up and grabbed the box of tissues. "I'm sorry, this isn't what you wanted to hear."
Olivia felt the tissue against her arm and reached for it. She couldn't explain this was relief. The doctor wouldn't understand. She didn't even understand.
After a few moments, the doctor sat down again. "May I say something?"
Olivia crumpled the tissue in her hand, wishing she could crumple Lewis the same way.
"I am not going to pretend I understand any part of what you're going through. I studied psychology for a few months in residency, but I have no idea how to help you get through this."
At least the doctor wasn't calling her a victim.
"I do know this one thing though."
Olivia frowned and slowly looked back up at Doctor Cadman. What could this civilized woman know about her living hell?
"My stepdad abused my mom. He was terrible to her." Doctor Cadman stiffened her jaw. "He convinced my mom that he owned her. That she was nothing without him. It took my mom five and a half years to leave him. And she only left because he broke her jaw." Doctor Cadman shook her head. "I couldn't understand why she wouldn't leave. It wasn't until I studied psychology that I understood she truly didn't think she could leave."
Olivia's nose started burning again as the heavy feeling returned to her chest.
Doctor Cadman leaned her head forward. "There are going to be idiots that ask you why you didn't just walk out the door. Do not let them get in your head. They weren't there. You were. They don't understand what it is like to live every day as someone's punching back. To live a life you weren't supposed to live because some jerk decided he owned you."
Olivia's chin started to quiver. She could feel his fingers digging into her cheeks to keep her in place while he claimed her mouth. Her whimpers, her cries, they meant nothing to him. He would take what he wanted. Olivia's eyes sealed shut. She couldn't go back there.
"Olivia," Doctor Cadman called out. "Open your eyes. Stay with me. Lewis won't bother you anymore."
Olivia shook her head as tears started leaking from her eyes. Lewis was in the room. She could feel him there. She would open his eyes to find him in the doorway. His eyes would mock her first. Then his hands would be all over her…
"No, Olivia." Doctor Cadman's firm voice made her eyes snap back open.
"You can't do this. You can't give up. Not now. You survived that monster for months. You stayed alive. You kept your daughter alive. Don't quit fighting to survive because the immediate danger is gone. You still have to fight."
Olivia froze, her eyes locked on the doctor. "Did you say daughter?" her voice cracked.
Doctor Cadman winced. "I'm sorry. You probably didn't want to know that. I didn't mean to tell you –"
"It's okay," Olivia interrupted. Breathing became a little easier as she registered the news. A little girl. "I'm gl – " her voice dropped off. She couldn't finish that sentence.
Doctor Cadman gave her a knowing smile as she stood. "I'll check in on you tomorrow to make sure you're both doing okay."
Olivia nodded her understanding. She was getting good at this nodding thing.
"I'm really glad they found you. I'm sure the judge will throw the book at that guy." She put the chart back in its place on the bedframe and turned for the door.
"What guy?"
Doctor Cadman gave her a bewildered look. "The guy that took you."
Olivia's heart started pounding. "What? No – no, that can't be. He died."
Doctor Cadman raised her eyebrows and turned to face her again. "He died today?"
Olivia shook her head, panic starting to flow through her veins. "He died the day they found me."
The doctor's lips parted. "Ms. Benson, who told you that?"
Olivia's body froze. Her muscles ceased to function. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. Everyone had told her that.
The doctor took a step towards her. "It's all over the news. He was found in critical condition, but he was very much alive when they brought him in here."
She started shaking her head no. Her friends wouldn't have lied to her. Not about this.
"Didn't you know they called a second ambulance for you? Why would they transport a dead body in an ambulance when you had so many injuries?"
Olivia's terrified eyes slowly made contact with the doctor as the question registered. Dead bodies weren't transported in ambulances. They were transported in body bags. In the coroner's van. She was a cop. She should have realized something was off. "He's been alive this whole time?" she croaked
The doctor slowly nodded. "He was transferred from the hospital yesterday. He'll finish recovering in the prison's hospital.
It started slow. Like oil being heated in a pan. Sadness changed to distrust. Discomfort changed to terror. Anger erupted inside her a moment later. They had all looked her in the eye and lied to her. Didn't they understand? Lewis had lied to her all the time. He made her feel like she was actually going insane. Her friends were supposed to be different. Olivia clenched her jaw as the doctor made her exit. Her hands wandered to her belly, and she unconsciously held her baby girl. Lewis was alive. And she had to decide what was happening to their daughter. Three weeks seemed like a lifetime, but she knew from experience how fast time warped when it involved Lewis. The same would probably be true of his…no, no - she couldn't think lie that. She couldn't call this child his. Even if she was.
She lifted her head to the window, only to discover the sun had fully set. She had missed the rest of the sunset. Olivia tightened her hold on her stomach. Information whirled around in her head. Surgery. Nerve damage. Lewis. Lies. Three weeks. Olivia's shoulders fell. Three weeks to make the most important decision of her life. Despite the pressure crushing her from every angle, a slow smile tugged at her lips.
"It's a girl."