Here we are again! Your reviews have been so genuine and very helpful. Thank you for writing them! Per your suggestions, I am working on adding this story to Archive of Our Own, however it will likely take a few weeks. I appreciate the love, but you guys really should have mentioned all these typos I've found in this story :) Once I fix them here, I'll get the story added to the other website. Happy Reading!

"Olivia Benson?"

She didn't take her gaze off the window. Whoever it was would go away eventually.

"I'm Doctor Redding, one of the psychologist. Is now a good time to talk?"

"No."

"Great." Doctor Redding sat down beside her with a chart in hand. His curvy brown hair cut off just below his ears, and his matching beard was little more than stubble. His green eyes quickly glanced through her paperwork, oblivious to the glare being thrown in his direction.

"I said no."

Doctor Redding raised an eyebrow. "Is there a time you're planning on saying yes?"

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Hiding under the covers? Yes. Saying as little as possible to the doctors who came in with dozens of questions? Yes. Talking to a psychologist about how she feels? She would rather go running through a field of broken glass. And she knew exactly what that felt like.

"That's what I thought." The doctor made some notes on her chart. "I see you punched another nurse this morning."

"That's why you're here?" her tone turned defensive. "It was an accident."

"That makes the fourth 'accident' since you arrived. You're lucky they don't put you in the psych ward."

Olivia's mouth dropped. "Who do you think –"

"Look," Doctor Redding interjected. "I didn't really want to take your case, to be honest with you. I'm more of a tough love doctor. People in your situation generally need a little more…tenderness than I give. But after your little stunt this morning, I'm who was available to see if you can stop giving our nurses black eyes and bloody noses."

Olivia gritted her teeth. "I didn't mean to."

"No one is saying you did. We just need there not to be a fifth incident."

She bristled at the word. "I want to go….I want to leave."

"So you can punch your boyfriend every morning instead?"

"I'm not going to hurt Brian."

"You sure about that? Because we can't let you leave until we know you're not a danger to yourself or to the people around you. So far, we're not convinced."

Olivia gave a bitter laugh. Of course they weren't convinced. She had become used to fighting every touch, every order. It was hard to suddenly switch gears. Not that Mr. "Tough Love" got that.

Doctor Redding put her chart down, studying her intently. "I know you don't like me. You probably won't like what I say either. That's fine – I'm not here to be your best friend. There's a line of people ready to be that for you. I'm here to tell you what everyone else is afraid to tell you."

Olivia shook her head, her emotions clearly written on her face. "You have no idea what I've been through."

"No one does," Doctor Redding pointed out. "Not unless you tell us."

She couldn't answer him. She couldn't scream out the words inside her. Words failed to describe the terror she faced daily with William Lewis. The terror was with her now, even though he wasn't.

Doctor Redding nodded slowly, picking up on the change in expression. "We all let down our guards sometimes. You live and learn."

"Excuse me?" Olivia choked out.

"You let down your guard. He kidnapped you. He hurt you."

"That's not my fault!"

Doctor Redding chewed his pen for a few seconds. "You sure about that?"

Olivia's face turned incredulous. "Are you kidding me?"

The doctor shrugged. "He went after people who ticked him off. You tried to publicly embarrass him and send him to prison. Twice. And you never considered he would come after you? I mean, come on."

"He went after the original witness!" Olivia protested, righteous anger boiling through her. "He went after lawyers and people who would support the case. Not cops," she hissed. "In all the cases we studied, he never went after any of the detectives. Even in Alabama, those detectives tailed him for a full month after the trial fell apart. He never went after them. There was no reason to think he was coming after me!"

"I agree."

Olivia paused mid rant, her anger slowly dissipating. Like the doctor had popped a balloon. "You what?"

Doctor Redding offered a half smile. "He never went after law enforcement. You had no reason to believe he would change his pattern."

Olivia's mouth formed a silent O, her eyes getting smaller as another round of tears threatened to spill down her face.

"You spent every day with a manipulative killer who got off on making you feel like a fool. Constantly pointing out your mistakes, your flaws. That type of person thrives on devaluing everything you are. You need to understand that everything Lewis told you wasn't true. As you just said, there was no way to see him coming. This indeed is not your fault. Not in any way."

Memories of the past few months slammed into her chest. Lewis mocking her escape attempts. Pointing out her every flaw. Describing how he got into her apartment with glee. How many times had he held her face with one hand while his other hand touched her private parts? He would taunt her each time. Tell her to fight it…fight him. She had tried. She had tried so many times to free herself from those terrible handcuffs…the ropes. He just laughed as her attempts failed.

"How did Lewis make you feel? Two words. You don't even have to tell me. Just tell yourself."

She didn't even have to think. Weak and helpless. She cringed at the memory of collapsing in the living room. She couldn't even walk by herself.

"Do you have them?"

Olivia nodded her response, tears beginning to leak out.

"Now, you need to think of events that happened before Lewis took you. Times where you proved to the world you're actually the opposite of both those things."

She shook her head, biting her lip. "You have no idea what he is capable of."

"Perhaps you should turn that around. You're forgetting about someone."

Olivia chanced a glance at the doctor, confused at his statement. "Who?"

"You," he replied simply. "From where I'm sitting, you managed to get into a psychopath's head and convince him you were different. By very definition, he has no remorse for killing, yet you made him believe killing you was unthinkable. He escalated with you, broke his pattern, and yet you still lived." Doctor Redding hunched forward, a gleam in his eye. "Do you realize the significance of that?"

She shook her head, refusal slamming into her bones. "I couldn't do anything when he killed all those people."

"That furthers my point, though. He killed them without thought. But with you? With you, he made conscious efforts to keep you alive. Now, you didn't get five star meals and fluffy pillows," the doctor admitted with a shake of his head. "But he kept you alive. And I don't believe for a minute that he randomly went to half a dozen stores within a few days. You got into his head. You figured out a way to get away from him. You are a remarkable woman, Olivia Benson. And if you weren't, William Lewis wouldn't have had to spend five months telling you otherwise."

Remarkable? Her heart jumped at the word, but her brain pumped the breaks. A remarkable woman wouldn't have lost so much. She would have gotten out sooner. She would have done more. Fought harder. She couldn't be remarkable.

Dr. Redding continued droning on about some evaluation. Something about sleep. Probably her nightmares. Her ears weren't really working. Her brain and her heart were in a battle. There wasn't enough energy left to focus on the doctor. She couldn't be this woman he was talking about…could she?

William Lewis smirked at his visitor. "Back so soon, counselor?"

Barba steeled himself for another mockery session as he set down his briefcase. "Shouldn't take too much of your time, Mr. Lewis. The plea deal has been denied. Just came to say we'll see you in court."

Lewis nodded, a sparkle in his eyes. "She's pretty freaked out about the baby, isn't she?"

Barba shook his head, his respect for Benson growing by the second. This jerk was infuriating. "That will be all, Mr. Lewis. I would recommend getting that public defender sooner rather than later."

"Do you know, Mr. Barba," Lewis threw into the air as he headed for the door. "Which time is the worst for a woman? If she's been raped?"

Barba's brow furrowed, his hand already twisting the doorknob. He decidedly did not want to hear this.

"It's not the first time it happens."

Barba gritted his teeth. He couldn't leave if Lewis was about to confess a critical piece of testimony. He exchanged pained looks with Detective Stiles, neither eager to stay longer than necessary.

"Most people think the first time is the toughest, but it's not." Lewis grinned as he captured their attention. Triumph shone in his eyes at the small win. "They fight the first time. They keep expecting someone to come rescue them. It's not real to them, not yet."

"I disagree," Detective Stiles said stiffly as he leaned against the glass. "It seems pretty real to all the women I've talked to."

Lewis shook his head in denial, his eyes locking with a red-faced Barba. "The second time, they beg more. Thinking something they do will change what's happening. And the third? The third, they just try to shut everything out. But that fourth time?"

Barba thought his heart would explode. He could picture Lewis on top of Benson, jeering at her tears. A life in prison was too kind for this creep.

"The fourth time," Lewis sat back, letting the pause fill the air for a few seconds. "That's when reality hits them. Begging won't help. Fighting won't help. The ropes won't break. No one is bursting through the door. They realize its game over, and their body is someone else's toy for however long they want." Lewis licked his lips. "From the research I've done, of course. Never something I would know firsthand."

It took every ounce of professionalism and self-control to not lunge at the smirking scoundrel in front of him.

"If I did take Oliva, if I did force myself on her…I imagine she would be different."

"How would she be different?" Detective Stiles inwardly cringed, sure he did not want to know the answer.

Lewis darted his eyes between the two furious men, loving this newest game. "I imagine the fourth time wouldn't be like that with her. She's so full of spunk. That woman would never quite fighting. She would be a…challenge to keep around for so long. Keep a man on his toes."

Barba's nostrils flared. "You think this is funny? This all just some big joke for you?" Barba lunged for Lewis, purposely landing on the table an inch away from him. "You stole her life! You stole her home. The state of New York spent thousands of dollars trying to locate her. It affected every one of us every single day she was gone."

Lewis narrowed his eyes and leaned into Barba's threatening presence. "I listened to the radio. You gave up on her. All of you. For over a month, you were looking for a body."

Barba shook his head, slowly backing away from Lewis. "You don't know anything."

"Does she know yet?" Lewis tilted his head. "Does she know that I ended up having more faith in her than her own team did?"

Barba stared incredulously at Lewis, not trusting himself to speak. He couldn't argue Lewis changed his pattern. He couldn't even point out there had been no new robberies or auto thefts…not a clue to the fact Olivia had been alive the entire time. It would simply goad Lewis further.

"That's what I thought." Lewis smugly leaned back, the rattle of his chains not even fazing him. "Let me know what happens when she finds out. I'm sure that will be a pleasant conversation."

"You're not worth the oxygen," Barba muttered as he turned on his heel. It was going to be a very, very long trial.

"You sure you don't want to watch some TV?" Nick shoved his hands into his pocket, his body braced against the wall.

So she could hear more about how everyone decided she was a damaged sex slave? "No."

"Are you hungry? I could grab –"

"No."

"Is the nausea medicine not working? I can get the nurse to –"

"Nick," Olivia implored, throwing her hands up in the air. The desire to appease everyone had quickly fled. It was replaced by a gnawing need for privacy and quiet. The two things most absent in this hospital.

"Sorry." He cringed. "Look, I don't know what to do here. I don't know if I'm supposed to talk or not talk, if I'm supposed to get you things or just be here. But I want you to know that whenever we figure this thing out, I'm here. I'm all here. As your partner…as your friend. I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia managed to choke out her thanks, determined not to cry anymore today.

"Hey," Nick brightened. "Zara downloaded a few new games to my phone. I'm getting pretty good at them. Wanna play Scrabble? Or Air Hockey? I've gotten really good at Air Hockey."

A smile tugged at her face. "Better be careful, partner. Those buttons may fly off your shirt if you keep pushing your chest out like that."

"Care to give it a try then? Or we could always try Monopoly."

"No," Olivia protested. "Monopoly takes forever."

"You're just saying that because you don't want to lose."

"You put four hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place last time. I landed there every time!"

Amaro shrugged and pulled out his phone. "Poor planning on your part. Excellent planning on my part."

"Is that so?" Olivia turned her head, something similar to amusement dancing in her eyes. "Bring it on."

"I mean, are you sure? I'm not just going to let you win." Nick grinned at her reaction.

"Just pull it up. But I'm not trading you this time," Olivia pointed with her fiercest look. "Even if I go bankrupt."

"If you go bankrupt, you lose. So what does giving me a harmless property or two really hurt in the long run?"

"Shut up and start the game."

"How was it today?" Captain Cragen took a sip of his coffee.

Barba ran his fingers through his head. "He's tough."

"So what? You're tougher," Rollins interjected.

Barba threw his coat down on an empty chair and reached for a cold slice of sausage pizza. "He still hasn't gotten a lawyer. Hasn't even started the process."

"Isn't that better for us?" Detective Carter asked.

Barba shook his head and talked around the bite of pizza he took. "It just delays everything."

"That could be a good thing," Rollins offered. "Give Olivia some time to process everything."

No one replied. A lifetime wouldn't be long enough to process the trauma Olivia had endured.

Fin shuffled through the door with bags of drinks. "I bought out the store again. Five hour energy, those monster energy drinks, and some diet sodas for you wimps."

"I'm surprised the gift shop restocked already." Rollins grabbed half of the bags and began sorting the drinks.

"They didn't." Fin lifted a shoulder. "They've also suggested we shop somewhere outside of the hospital as most families don't have the ability to leave the grounds. This is from a grocery store across the street."

Captain Cragen swallowed the last of his coffee and eyed the diet sodas. "Hopefully, they'll release her soon."

"Brian almost done cleaning his place?" Fin grabbed the now empty bags and crumpled them into a ball.

"He says he needs another day. It's killing him to not be here. But from the sounds of it, he made the right call. Pretty sure Olivia wouldn't have been able to find the bed. Especially with the wheelchair."

Amanda winced. "At least it's temporary."

"Depends on the nerve damage. Doctor said we would know more in a couple weeks."

"Nick in with Olivia?" Fin asked as he looked around.

Cragen nodded. "We thought it was best to just do one person at a time. Seems to stress her out less."

Fin rubbed his eyes and collapsed in a chair. His heart was too heavy to comment on her stress. She jumped at every noise. Her eyes constantly darted around the room, as if something was going to come alive and attack her. She looked exhausted and so white. He had never seen her look so pale. A small voice reminded him that was what happened when one was not exposed to sunlight. He quickly silenced it. Knowing what happened was entirely different than dwelling on it.

"Why does that need to be what matters?"

Her brow crinkled. "The only reason this is happening is because of what he did."

"The only reason you can't walk on your feet is because he cut them," Doctor Redding countered. "Does that mean you want to cut them off?"

"No," Olivia defended. "But feet heal."

"Hearts don't?" Doctor Redding leaned back in the chair, giving her time to think.

Olivia closed her eyes. "This isn't the same."

"Of course it's not," Doctor Redding responded. "But then again, we're only having this conversation because you've decided what you want to do with the pregnancy."

Her eyes flew open. "I have almost three weeks!"

"To decide what you will do. But you have already decided what you want to do."

"But th-there's so much to…think about." Olivia rubbed her forehead. "Where will we live? And what if they can't fix my left hand? What if I can't pass the fitness test for NYPD? I mean, by the time they'll let me try, I'd be too far along. It would be glorified desk duty. If that. Unless they don't let me come back. Then I would need a job. How would I buy diapers?"

"Unless you didn't have the baby. And I could have missed it, but I didn't hear you mention that scenario."

The lingering weight pressed harder on her chest.

A look of sympathy passed quickly over the doctor's features. "The old nature versus nurture argument."

Olivia shook her head, half lost in her own thoughts. Nature wasn't a thing. Not in this. Her years of research nullified the rapist's gene. Although, could a psychopath's gene be different? Could a lack of remorse be passed down through DNA?

"Then what? You're worried you'll be a terrible mother?" Doctor Redding studied her intently. "Concerned you'll be so lost in your own trauma that your child will be collateral damage?"

Her brow furrowed. She would die before that happened. She had put her own needs behind the desire to appease Lewis. She could do that for her daughter. That wasn't the problem.

"If it's Lewis that's bothering you, there's far too much evidence for him to not be found guilty. And no one would allow him time with a child. Much less a baby."

"You don't know him. This is what he does. Lewis destroys lives and walks away without…" Olivia's voice trailed off. Bewilderment flooded her expression. She didn't understand how it was possible to commit so many crimes without being punished.

"So you're afraid to let her live."

Olivia froze. Fear and pain had played with her when she was with Lewis. They had tossed her around like a ping pong ball until her body was so battered it seemed there were permanent dents. But fear for the baby? Fear went along with death. At least, that's what people said. That wasn't always true though. Somewhere along the way, reality had proven Lewis wasn't going to kill her. Not anytime soon. Her fear had grown significantly at the realization. Living with terror was a fate far worse than death. At least death was the end. Exposing a helpless baby to this constant terror…what kind of mother would she be?

Her eyebrows drew together. "If I couldn't protect myself from Lewis, how can I protect her?" Olivia's voice sounded small. The courage it took to voice the question drained her.

"You've been fighting to stay alive for months. What makes you think you can't fight for her?"

She hadn't lived. She had survived. There was a difference.

"Whether you carry the pregnancy or you don't, you must remember one thing. In the middle of your nightmares, or your panic attacks, you must choose to focus on this."

Olivia chanced a glance at the doctor, unsure of what was coming next.

"You chose to live. You chose to survive. Everything you went through, what is it worth if you just exist now? You chose to live. So do that. Live."