This chapter was so difficult to write, and I redid it several times. It feels like a turning point in the story, and it is very uncomfortable. Let me know what you like and what could have been better. I honestly don't love it, but I don't know how much more it could be tweaked. It feels real...and raw. Not one of my favs, but hopefully realistic. Still working on getting everything moved over to AO3. Thanks for being patient!
"I heard the trial prep is starting. Rumor has it that Lewis is being pretty tough on your ADA." Doctor Redding leaned back, waiting for a response. Olivia didn't offer one.
"You could make it a little easier. Throw them a bone, maybe."
"A bone?" Olivia repeated.
Doctor Redding frowned at the lack of emotion in her voice. "There must have been something he let slip after all that time together."
She fought the desire to cringe. The haunted little boy Lewis had shown about his mother still messed with her head. A monster shouldn't have the right to look pathetic.
"So you're telling me that there is nothing you're holding back?"
"Yes."
Doctor Redding waited a heartbeat before closing his pen. "Fine."
Olivia's eyes followed him as he gathered his things. He had only been in her room a few minutes. "Where are you going?"
"I don't know. Maybe the vending machine. My muffin isn't going to hold me much longer. It's only 10:00, and I have four patients to see before I can break for lunch."
"You're just gonna leave in the middle of this?"
"Might as well. You don't want my help." Doctor Redding put away his iPad and stood up.
"That's not true," Olivia protested.
"Isn't it? If you want to hold back from your friends, that's fine. Unethical, but not illegal. However, you can't lie to me. I can't help you if you don't talk to me. And I don't attend pity parties, which you have been throwing in spades."
Olivia's eyes rounded. "Pity parties?"
"You aren't sleeping. You won't tell me why, and I know you've turned down sleeping medicine the last two nights. You won't look me in the eye. You're upset with your friends, and you won't tell me why. You dance around all my questions. You give your other doctors the shortest answers possible, and you haven't brushed your hair or changed out of that horrible hospital gown. So," Doctor Redding gestured to the ceiling with his hands. "Pity party."
Olivia scowled, vaguely aware she crossed her arms. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Of course I don't," Doctor Redding agreed. "You won't explain a thing. You're just laying here, feeling sorry for yourself. There's no reason for it. You're not a prisoner anymore."
"Might as well be," Olivia muttered. She had exchanged cuffs for handrails, but they felt the same.
Doctor Redding's brow furrowed. "No one is keeping you locked in your room. You do have to stay in the hospital till you recover enough to leave, but you won't strengthen any of your muscles by staying in bed all day."
"They won't let me up," Olivia replied flatly.
"What do you mean, they won't let you up?"
"I'm not supposed to walk." Olivia's toes curled at the reason, and she winced at the shooting pain it caused.
"So what? There's hundreds of wheelchairs in this hospital." Doctor Redding quickly surveyed her room, as if seeing the empty space for the first time. "Speaking of which, where is yours?"
"My what?" Olivia frowned. "My wheelchair? They didn't give me one."
Doctor Redding narrowed his eyes. "Why not?"
Olivia shrugged. "My feet."
"Right, that's why you need the chair."
She shook her head. "They said no pressure at all on my feet. Plus, the nurses didn't want to twist the catheter by moving me around."
Doctor Redding's frustrated gaze found the bag in question before raising his eyes back to his patient. "You mean to tell me they have kept you in that bed, in this room, the entire time you've been here? All four days?"
Four days? It had only been four days? Olivia nodded, her room seeming smaller than before this conversation.
Doctor Redding had a brief look of compassion. "Your back must be on fire."
Her back? Olivia took an inventory of her body before discovering it did ache. Her body had just thrown all the pain in a jar lately. It was hard to decipher what hurt. "It's a little sore," Olivia admitted.
Doctor Redding pursed his lips. "I'll be right back," he said tersely.
Olivia's eyebrows raised of their own accord as he hastily left the room. He didn't bother closing the door, and she could hear the commotion in the hallway increasing. Her anxiety started growing with it. Had she said something wrong again? Her fingers played with the sheet, her newfound habit giving her comfort.
It took an hour of heated discussions, but Dr. Redding's argument prevailed: there was simply no way her body could heal by not being used.
Another thirty minutes later, Olivia's catheter was removed. Months of abuse made the removal agonizing, but the nurse had gently talked her down as each panic attack started. The nurse had just left when Doctor Redding returned. A new nurse came in behind him pushing a wheelchair. "This is Nancy. She's going to help you get dressed and learn how to maneuver the chair."
"Dressed?" Olivia managed to choke out. Her doctors hadn't given her a chance to dispute any of their orders, but Doctor Redding had persuaded them to change everything in an hour? She could get up?
Doctor Redding pointed out the bags of clothes in the corner. "Your friends bought some new outfits. As a compromise with Doctor Santiago, you need to wear an extra set of socks in the wheelchair to accommodate the slight pressure of your feet on the foot rest."
Judging off the scowl on his face, she didn't need to ask Doctor Redding his opinion about that.
"Your first assignment is to follow all of Nancy's instructions. Your second assignment is to each lunch in the cafeteria today. Wait until after two o'clock. It's usually calm around then." Doctor Redding came to her bedside, his earlier scowl melting away. "It is very important for you to make decisions on your own. Thank you for explaining how you were feeling earlier. Do you see how that worked? You voiced your frustration, and now we are making a plan to overcome it. That's the only way I can help you. Do you understand that?"
Olivia's eyes watered at the gentle scolding. She was so used to Lewis and his derogatory ways that her thoughts were locked in a vault. But her doctor was right. Lewis wasn't here anymore. Her friends were. Her doctors were. And if she didn't decide to move forward, Lewis would win. And she didn't survive to let him win.
Doctor Redding gently patted her arm. "It's going to be very overwhelming. I would suggest deciding what kind of food you want beforehand. Soup, salad, pizza. And they actually have decent chocolate pie," Doctor Redding admitted with a twinkle. "Figure out what sounds good and only go to that section. Look at the options but stop as soon as you see one that sounds good. Otherwise, you'll be staring at your options for a couple of hours."
Her blood pressure started to climb, but Olivia forced herself to breathe. "Okay."
"Olivia," Doctor Redding hesitated. "I need you to promise that you will try not to over-process when you're down there."
"I promise," Olivia murmured, still processing the latest events.
"Take one or two friends with you, but no more. This is going to be uncomfortable for you, and the more people you take with you, the faster you will have a panic attack. Okay?"
Olivia nodded her consent, trying to decide if she was excited or terrified. Maybe both?
"You should go outside for a few minutes after you eat. The sun does wonders for the heart. I'll be back tomorrow…if you can be real with me."
"Okay." Olivia swallowed hard. She could do that.
"And do something with your hair. You go outside like that, and some poor bird will fly into it thinking it found its nest."
The nurse coughed behind him to conceal her snort of laughter.
Doctor Redding exchanged knowing glances with the nurse and grinned. "Be nice to Nancy. It's her second day. Please do not punch Nancy."
"I'll try not to." Olivia offered a tired smile to the newcomer.
Olivia stared out the window, reveling in the heat of the sun on her face. It was so good to be out of bed, even if it was just to exchange it for a wheelchair. She would get to leave for lunch soon. Fear and excitement danced together until she was dizzy with their efforts. She was ready to leave this room. She just wasn't sure about all the people outside of it.
"Hey, may I come in?"
Her body tensed at Detective Carter's voice. This couldn't be good.
"It's good to see you up and about. Looks like Amanda did pretty well with the clothes. Blue looks good on you."
Olivia looked down, almost as if she forgot what she was wearing. The long sleeve knit top was loose in all the wrong spots. She had lost more muscle mass than she had realized. The shoulder lines fell about six inches from their normal spot, and the sleeves came a few inches past her wrists. Not that she minded. It hid her scars. The maternity jeans were almost comfortable, though. It was the most covered she had been in, well… months.
"I hate to do this, I really do. We are having a tough time with part of the case, and we thought you may have some insight?"
Benson nodded warily. Talking more about her ordeal with a perfect stranger was not how she wanted to spend her afternoon. "I'm supposed to eat in the cafeteria at two."
Carter glanced at her watch with a brief nod. "Hopefully this won't take long. Mind if I sit? These new boots are brutal."
Olivia responded with a shrug, not moving from her new favorite spot.
Carter sat down in the recliner with a thud. "We know Lewis kidnapped other people. Two missing girls that match his pattern disappeared a while ago, and we haven't found anything on their whereabouts. Bridget Garcia and Marcy Evans. Those names ring a bell? They went missing on weeks three and four of your kidnapping."
Olivia gripped the wheelchair's arms as a shudder rippled through her body.
"Olivia? Are you…should I get the nurse?" Detective Carter pushed forward to stand, but Olivia shook her head no.
Subtle tremors coursed through her body, and the world stilled. The women didn't even hear the bustling hospital noises occurring outside.
"Olivia?" Concern laced Detective Carter's voice.
"I – It was…I wasn't expecting…I didn't think you would…I just…can I – you um, water?" Olivia's breathing quickened as her face turned from pale to red.
Carter jumped to her feet and quickly brought the half-empty cup of water. "Here you go."
Olivia wrapped her fingers around the Styrofoam cup, the water almost sloshing out of the cup. She slowly took a sip and willed herself to swallow. Doctor Redding had warned her about panic attacks. Said to do something to keep her senses in the present. Snapping a hairband, playing with a paperclip…unfortunately, she only had the cup.
After a few minutes, Detective Carter eased back into the recliner. "I'm really sorry to push this. The girl's parents have been hysterical since we found you and Lewis. We were just hoping to give them some answers."
Olivia nodded and licked her chapped lips. After a slow breath, she forced the words out of her mouth. "They're dead. I think, I mean…he didn't – I didn't see. But he killed anyone who saw me."
Detective Carter didn't comment, her eyes taking in the panic barely being kept at bay.
"We were in a blue house. Gray shutters. He probably buried them there. He wouldn't have gone far. He didn't want to leave me."
Detective Carter frowned, confusion settling in her face. "Didn't he leave you all the time to get new cars and go to the store?"
Olivia nodded, her breathing becoming shallow again. "He left all the time. But not those weeks."
Detective Carter's gaze turned perplexed. "Why not?"
Another shudder rippled through Olivia, and she struggled to focus. "Our first night in that house was a Thursday. He had bought a pregnancy test. Guess it said the results were most accurate in the morning. He… uh, woke me up early the next day to have me take it." Olivia winced, as if someone were physically beating her. She took another sip of water and half of it splashed down her face. She didn't notice.
"The test was negative. I've never seen him so angry," Olivia whispered. Her eyes were glazed over, and the occasional tremor still surfaced. "Said it was my fault. I wasn't strong enough to carry his baby."
Detective Carter narrowed her eyes. She didn't know what was worse. The fact a man said that or that he could think it was true.
Olivia swallowed hard, memories slamming into her mind. "He had gone off before, but it was always to punish me for something. Once I learned my lesson, once I gave him what he wanted, he would finish it. But not that night."
Tears gathered in Carter's eyes as the broken woman in front of her tried so hard to keep her composure. She hated Lewis more with every new fact they found.
"That night was different. His only goal was to raise my pain tolerance. He would hurt me the same way over and over again until I stopped screaming. And then he would do it again. Harder. Deeper. Longer." Olivia shook her head. "There was so much blood."
Quiet filled the room again. Detective Carter stood slowly to not startle Olivia and brought the water pitcher to fill Olivia's cup.
Olivia took a few grateful sips, her mouth stinging from the cold. It was amazing how different cold water felt. "Lewis tried to get me up the next day. I was just dead weight. He tried pulling and threatening, but I…" Olivia shrugged, her frustration still evident in her body language. "I just couldn't move. All I could do was lay there and hope it would end soon. He got mad and started hurting me again. That time, he wouldn't stop. His rage took over and – " Olivia's voice broke. Her head shook, and tears brimmed her eyes. "I don't remember much after that. He didn't mind a little blood and dirt, but I was so messed up…he didn't want anything to do with me."
"That's when he brought in the girl."
Olivia didn't bother to wipe away her tears. They would just be replaced by more. She focused on the tree outside her window. "I heard screams. Thought I was imagining them at first. He usually made me watch, but there wasn't anyone in the room with me. I guess she fought him at some point. He brought her into my room to scare her. After a while, I didn't hear her screams anymore."
"Was she African American?"
Olivia concentrated for a few seconds. "I think so. I know one of them was. It could have been the first girl. Or the second? I don't know."
"What happened next?"
Olivia's nose wrinkled. "He came back. I was really bad by then. There was blood, vomit…other things. I couldn't make it to the bathroom, so it was all just – there. The room smelled awful." Olivia's nose wrinkled of its own accord. "I'll never forget that smell."
Detective Carter slowly nodded and gave Olivia a moment, sensing she needed the time.
Olivia took a shaky breath. "Lewis knew something was wrong. I had a fever and was dehydrated. Lewis covered me with cold rags, but I was freezing. I kept trying to throw the towels off."
Detective Carter tilted her head in confusion. "How did you get sick?"
Olivia stared down at the cup. "The cuts on my thighs became infected from all the fluids. He left me there, so it just got…worse," she finished lamely. "I kept fighting him on the towels, so he put me in a tub of cold water. It was awful." Another shudder rippled through her.
"Do you want a blanket?" Detective Stiles asked softly.
Olivia shook her head. A blanket wouldn't help the cold she felt. "My fever broke at some point. He cleaned me up and took me into another bedroom. He covered the worst of the cuts and burns with gauze. The he made me eat." Her muscles were still rigid. She was only giving the PG version. Those two weeks had been the most horrific time she had spent with Lewis. The same hands he had used to nearly torture her to death were the same hands he used to nurture her back to health. Her body had begged to die, and he refused it. He had stayed by her side for days. He whispered calming words that did nothing but mock her pain. His hand rested on her forehead to check her temperature. He had spoon fed her water and treated her like a sick toddler who didn't want to take her medicine. It had been mortifying…and enlightening. He really wasn't going to let her die. He wanted her alive.
"He ran out of antibiotic cream after a few days," Olivia began again in a softer voice. "He went to the store. Came back with the second girl." Olivia cleared her throat, hoping that would cure her emotion. "He said I was better but in no condition to party. And that he had earned a reward after taking such good care of me."
Detective Carter shook her head and stood up to let out the restlessness rising within her at the sordid details. "That's messed up."
Olivia didn't comment on that realization. There was no need. "He had me take the second test that next morning. The girl was gone by the time he had me take the third."
"How many did he have you take?" Detective Carter asked incredulously.
Olivia looked back down at her water. Her brow furrowed. "He made me take one every Friday. The seventh one was positive."
Carter's eyes rounded. Her heart dropped. "I can't imagine that constant pressure. All those tests. A negative meant more pain. But a positive would mean…that must have been quite awful for you."
Benson waited a beat before answering. "I hate Fridays."
Detective Carter steeled herself, hating her job in that moment. "Do you have any clues that would help us find this house?"
Olivia's shocked eyes snapped to the inquisitive detective.
"The parents," Carter beseeched.
Olivia sighed and counted to ten. She hated that house. That place where she knew for certain Lewis meant to keep her alive. That horrible place filled with unimaginable pain. "There was a wooden fence around the front. Two story house. Dirt driveway. Lots of trees…and water. I could smell it when Lewis opened my window. Maybe a river? A lake? I never saw it, so it would have been in the back. But it was close. I heard it sometimes."
Detective Carter breathed her relief. "That's good. We'll work with that. Thank you. I know that was very difficult."
Olivia choked out a response, grateful that Carter quickly exited the room. Her watery eyes saw it was 2:03. She had to get it together. It was time to get out. Time to prove she really was free now. If only she knew what that meant.
"Any luck?" Nick mumbled in Carter's general direction. He was still trying to reword his email to Zara.
"Some. She gave some tips about what the house looked like."
"She knows the exact house he kept her in over three months ago?" Fin asked skeptically.
Detective Carter gave a warning look to drop it. "I'm gonna head back to the station to run with this. Aren't you supposed to be taking her to lunch?"
Fun cursed and dropped his coffee into the trashcan. "I lost track of time. You coming, Amaro?"
Nick nodded and saved the email as a draft. Any detail was too much for a child to process, and no excuse was valid enough for cancelling another weekend with his daughter. "You bet. Cassidy just left his apartment. Should be here around seven."
The Captain rubbed his forehead. "More like 6:30 with how he drives."
"You sure Liv's ready for this?" Nick shrugged into his jacket.
"I'm not a doctor. Let's just get her some food and make sure she doesn't get lost." Fin opened the waiting room door as Detective Carter snuck out.
The men hurried over to Liv's room and were surprised to find her dressed and looking like herself. Her hair rested in a casual ponytail, and the orange hospital socks were mostly hidden under the too big maternity jeans. But it didn't matter. She looked like a person again.
"You look good, Liv. Really good," Nick smiled.
"Don't listen to him. He's just trying to butter you up so you pay for lunch. Don't buy it. You look great, not just good," Fin boasted.
Olivia let herself smile at the banter. "Thanks, guys." She had managed to make it to the bathroom and clean up before they arrived. She may not hate this whole wheelchair thing. At least she was mobile now.
"You ready for the best food Watertown has to offer?" Nick loosened the brakes on the wheelchair.
"Watertown?" Olivia questioned.
Fin shook his head in disgust. "Nobody tells you anything. That's where we are - Watertown, New York. You're at Samaritan Hospital."
Olivia felt relieved to at least know where she was. Not that she had ever heard of Watertown before, but at least this place had a name.
"How slow do you want me to take this thing?" Nick asked as he pushed her into the hallway.
"Just don't give her whiplash," Fin protested.
Olivia let the two men carry on their conversation as she took in the blue walls speeding by. Nurses in gray scrubs huddled in the nurses' corner to her right. A few doctors with charts headed off in separate directions. The white and tan tiled floor beneath her spun until it seemed like stripes lined the floor. They reached the elevator a few seconds later, and Olivia's muscles tightened. Her fingers moved to play with her ponytail. She wasn't used to having her hair done. Nurse Nancy had sprayed some magical solution that made it shine and had patiently combed all the tangles out of her ridiculously long hair. Even in the ponytail, she pulled her hair every time she moved her head. She desperately needed to have it cut. Course…she desperately needed a lot of things.
"You doing okay, Liv?" Nick asked with a frown. "We don't have to do this."
"Yes we do," Fin interjected. "You're strong. We're right here, and you can do this. It's just eating in a different spot. Right?"
Olivia picked up on his strength and nodded as the elevator doors opened. "I want soup and a banana."
"Just a plain banana?" Nick rolled her into the elevator while Fin held the doors open. "They have a banana split if you want something a little classier."
She shook her head, firmly meeting his gaze as the two men shuffled around to subtly block a would-be-addition to their elevator.
Fin offered a wave to the offended party as he pushed the button for the doors to close. They'd get over it.
"I just want the banana," Olivia insisted.
"We'll get you all the bananas you want," Fin replied with a smile. He'd buy that woman a banana tree if she wanted. He was just glad she was finally back.
A high-pitched ding announced their arrival on the first floor, and Olivia jumped. She scolded herself. It was just the cafeteria. How bad could it be?
Lewis shifted on the plastic gray bench and shot a glare to the annoying brat a few feet beside him. He had been stuck in this room for over two hours waiting to be fingerprinted. Nothing happened quickly in New York. "I told you to shut up."
"Hey man, I'm just curious. My old man got busted by that cop and her partner. Not the one she has now. Some angry dude that broke his nose."
Lewis didn't confirm he knew what the punk was talking about. He did, of course. Olivia had told him everything he wanted before they left the beach house. She had been quiet for the first couple of hours. After that, his girl had folded like a deck of cards. It took some poking and prodding, but she had spilled her guts. They always did.
"Did you make her cry?"
Lewis rolled his eyes. "How much longer is this gonna take?" he asked the officer standing across from them.
The bulky officer spun his head to the side in annoyance. "Got some place else to be? This is Rikers, not the Ritz. It takes as long as it takes, pretty boy."
His lips curled. People didn't talk to him like that. Not the ones who knew him. But neither charm nor force would help him here. He had to bide his time.
"You made her scream, right? Aw man, my old man is gonna love hearing about this."
Lewis leaned back and bit back a curse at the stretch on his stomach. Olivia was going to pay for every second of this. "I'm recovering from surgery, man. I just wanna lay down and sleep off the meds my doc gave me."
The officer let out a belly laugh and motioned for another prisoner to get up. "You're the one who held that cop hostage for a few months, right? You killed over a dozen people?"
Lewis shrugged innocuously. "Innocent until proven guilty."
"Not here. Here, we assume you're guilty. We assume you're dangerous. And you, my friend, just earned the privilege of going last. So you enjoy that mighty uncomfortable bench. You'll be sitting on it for hours."
"I have rights. My doctor told me I'd be recovering in the hospital ward."
The officer motioned the new inmate towards the plastic room at the end of the hall, and the guy quickly moved away from the escalating situation.
"Rights?" The officer stepped closer until he was a foot away from Lewis. "I've been following your case from the beginning. I know who you are. I know what you are. And if you think I'm about to push a magic button so you can rest on a comfortable cot with a doctor fussing over your gunshot wounds…you've got another thing coming. Now shut up, or I'll make sure you're still in this exact spot when I come back for tomorrow's shift."
Lewis scowled at the officer but didn't argue further.
Satisfied at his win, the officer sneered his disgust and moved back to his position across the room.
The foul smelling brat beside him started on again, but Lewis paid him no mind. When he got out of here, he would make sure Olivia knew what her actions cost him. And while he was at it, Lewis was sure someone in this new officer's life could benefit from his skills. He was far from calling it quits. After all, his daddy didn't raise a quitter.