Hey guys, thanks for being patient. Life is crazy, and I don't have as much time as I used to for writing. This chapter is mostly about what is going on in Olivia's head. If it doesn't make sense, if it doesn't flow...that is exactly the point. Recovering from trauma doesn't always make sense, and I wanted to show what that could feel like. I am working on the AO3 updates, editing is taking awhile. If you have a ton of time and would like to help with that...feel free to message me. Otherwise, this could take a few months.
Happy reading! And thank you so much for the constant encouragement.
Finally. It had taken far too long to charm the new officer. But in the end, he had offered a sweet smile, groaned at all the right times, and here he was.
The door creaked open, and he could hear the faint beeping of the monitors. Window curtains prevented moonlight from entering the room, and he bit back a curse as he walked into something. Weren't hospital rooms supposed to be free from clutter?
He felt the offending object. It rolled? What would roll? It was too bulky for a doctor chair. He bit back a chuckle. The poor suckers brought her a wheelchair. She didn't need it. She deserved every jolt of pain her feet brought. She knew what escaping cost. She would learn those consequences didn't change. She should have learned that already, but maybe he had slipped.
Lewis frowned. No maybe about it. They weren't alone. They weren't in private. She was too comfortable. He had definitely slipped. He would learn his lesson this time.
Olivia turned in the hospital bed, as if sensing he was close. He grinned. Her body knew to be careful, even when her brain wasn't awake to tell it.
He inched closer to the bed, his eyes having adjusted enough to the darkness to avoid further run-ins.
Olivia shifted her legs, and her right foot hit the bedrails. Her lungs let out a groan. Her eyes peeled open on instinct. She froze. Her eyes frantically searched the face inches from her own.
"Feet still bothering you, sweetheart?"
Her heart stopped working. Her lungs stopped working. Her limbs stopped working. The only thing still moving were her eyes. It couldn't be. It wasn't him. He was in jail. There was no way this could be happening.
"Cat got your tongue? That's fine. We have to get going anyway."
A flicker of light bounced off the metal near her face, and a whimper made it out of her throat.
"Scared, sunshine? Already? We haven't even gotten to the good stuff." Lewis ran a finger across her cheek. "But you know. You know how bad you messed up, don't you?"
Olivia squeaked out an apology, her lungs still functioning as little as possible. Where were her friends? Why was she alone in here? How did he make it into her room?
"You will be," Lewis agreed. "But first, we need to get home. We're going to quietly slip out of this hospital, and no one will suspect a thing. You wouldn't want anything to happen to all those nurses outside, would you?"
"Please don't hurt them," Olivia pleaded. She couldn't bear to have anyone else killed because of her.
"That's up to you. Now, we're going to get you in this wheelchair, and we're going to go home."
Fresh tears leaked out of Olivia's eyes. "I can't. I can't go back. I'll die."
Lewis leaned in closer to her, and Olivia thought he could steal the breath right out of her useless lungs. "You'll go where I tell you to go. You'll die when I say you die. And you're not going to fight me this time. Our previous arrangement still stands. Do you understand me?"
"Please don't," Olivia cried.
"Olivia!"
"No!" she screamed. Someone would stop him. She couldn't do this anymore. She would die before she went back.
"Olivia, it's me!"
Olivia bucked against the hand across her own and let out a quiet sob. She would go with him. They both knew she would. But she couldn't bring any of her muscles to do what she wanted. What she knew had to be done.
"Liv, it's Brian!"
She let out another whimper as the lights flooded her room.
"What is going on in here?" Kyle demanded.
Amanda and Fin rushed in behind the nurse. "Is everything okay?"
Olivia's lungs kicked into full gear, and she gasped for breath.
"Liv?" Brian straightened beside her, backing up a few inches.
Her eyes darted between the concerned people surrounding her. Where did Lewis go?
"What happened?" Kyle repeated.
Brian shrugged with wide eyes. "She was sleeping, and I just fixed the blanket. She was shivering. I thought she was cold."
Four pairs of eyes snapped to a sweating Olivia.
She gulped and tried to calm down her breathing. "I'm sorry."
Kyle was the first to snap out of it. "Don't you worry about anything. You didn't do anything wrong, dear. Now, let me get you some fresh ice water."
The remaining visitors shuffled to clear a path for him before focusing back on Liv.
"Did I…hurt you?" Brian asked lamely.
Olivia took a shaky breath and tried to not look at the bewildered people in front of her. "I just, I didn't know it was you. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to cause a problem."
Nick and Amanda exchanged worried glances and started reassuring her simultaneously.
Kyle slipped back in with the newly filled pitcher. His bubbly personality filled the room, and he poured a new cup of water.
Olivia gratefully took the fresh water and felt the chilly liquid breathe life into her still terrified bones.
Kyle checked in with her one more time and then shuffled Nick and Amanda out of the room.
Brian shifted awkwardly on his feet, the silence becoming deafening. "I didn't mean to scare you."
Olivia gulped down the last of her water and mumbled her thanks when Brian offered to take the empty cup.
"Can I sit?"
Olivia nodded, her heart still hammering in her chest.
Silence began to grow again, and Brian offered a shaky grin. "We'll figure it out."
She nodded again. "I uh, didn't know you were back."
"Haven't been here long."
Olivia licked her lips. "I thought you were someone else."
A smile tugged at Brian's lips. "At least you didn't punch anyone this time."
Her eyes rounded in disbelief that he would find this funny. It didn't last long. A smile broke through her own muscles a few seconds later. "You're terrible."
"I'm not wrong," Brian pointed out. He leaned forward and tugged his jacket off.
Olivia frowned at the watch he wore. The final bit of relief loosened her shoulders. The metal had just been his watch. No knife. No gun. "The apartment presentable now?"
"Not even close," Brian laughed. He tried to rub the circles from his eyes and leaned back in the chair. "But you can see the couch now."
Olivia noted his exhaustion with a pang. It wasn't just her life Lewis had stolen. It was their lives as well. "Why didn't you stay and get some sleep?"
Brian shook his head. He couldn't even formulate a response to that question. "Do you want to try to get some shut eye?"
Olivia winced as Lewis's face flashed before her. "I don't think so."
Brian nodded slowly, his eyes shifting down. "What are you wearing?"
Olivia glanced down, uneasiness settling into her features. "Amanda picked up a few outfits."
"Did she forget the pajamas?" Brian joked. "I'm sure we can find something more comf-"
"No!"
Brian raised his eyebrows.
Olivia swallowed. "It's fine."
"You don't look like its fine," he ventured.
Olivia shifted in the bed and tried not to grimace. The sports bra had been an awful idea. Constant pressure on her burnt shoulder was rapidly causing her pain scale to climb.
"How did you put the shirt on?" Brian asked, his bewilderment evident in his tone.
Olivia shifted again in the bed, her fingers beginning to twirl the blanket. "Nancy."
"Nancy?"
"She's my new nurse. She'll help me into something different when she comes back."
Brian shook his head and pushed to his feet. "I'll go get her."
"She went home." Olivia tried to relax her shoulder.
"Well then I'll get a different nurse. I'm sure Kyle could –"
"No."
Brian met her piercing gaze and held up his hands. He knew that look. Even after months of torture, no one told Olivia what to do. He put the argument aside and fell back into his chair. "I found a podcast on that modern art stuff you like." Brian pulled out his phone. "Wanna listen to that for a bit?"
"You found an art podcast?" Olivia gaped.
"Do you not like that? I'm sorry, I thought you were into –"
"Bri," Olivia interrupted.
His features softened at her old nickname for him.
She offered a shaky smile. "I love it."
Brian broke eye contact and smiled at his shoes.
Olivia's brow furrowed as she saw his sadness for the first time. His helplessness. He had left SVU because of the victims and now…
Brian startled at the touch on his arm. He followed the shaking hand up to find Olivia staring into his soul. The warning glare was gone. Her look wasn't accusatory. It was strength. Appreciation. Tenderness? Brian put his free hand on top of hers to still the shaking. "We're gonna be fine, Liv. Just fine."
"And a happy good morning to you!"
Olivia counted to five before opening her eyes. Another white coat. Another male doctor. Didn't this hospital believe in equal opportunities?
"How are we doing today, Miss Benson?"
She glared her response.
The doctor whistled as he checked her stats. "Pain scale?"
Couldn't this guy read the room? She wanted to be left alone.
"Miss Benson?"
She reluctantly met the newest doctor's gaze. "Yes."
Her flat tone didn't faze him. "I'm Doctor Kolios. Mind if I take a look at your burn?"
Olivia shrank away from the bubbly stranger. Words failed her. He was too close. Why did no one come with this man? Should she know this guy?
Doctor Kolios took in her panicked gaze and stepped back. "I'm sorry. Drank three cups of coffee this morning, and I usually only go for two. You've been unconscious most of the times I've checked on your shoulder. I suppose this is our first official meeting. I didn't mean to startle you."
Olivia's eyes darted around the room, her distrust evident.
Doctor Kolios studied her shirt. "You're not wearing a bra under that, are you?"
Her eyes rounded. This was it. Another man asking personal questions. He was going to touch her. Surely someone would hear her screams. Why were none of her friends in here?
Doctor Kolios licked his lips and offered an apologetic smile. "I only meant the pressure from a bra would cause irritation to the burnt skin. I don't think it's a good idea."
He needed a degree for that? She could have told him that hours ago.
Doctor Kolios frowned and wisely sat down a few feet away from his patient. "Your burn is very large. About half of it is a third degree burn, that's why we need the skin grafts. The constant pressure of anything tight will damage the areas with second degree burns and irritate the blisters. How long have you been wearing the bra?"
Olivia glanced up at the clock. Where was Nancy? "About a day."
Doctor Kolios bit his lip. "It has to come off. I also need to check the burn, make sure the infection from your feet isn't spreading to your shoulder."
Olivia shook her head, tears quickly filling her eyes. "No. No, I'm not going to…there has to be someone else."
Doctor Kolios took no offense. "I cannot imagine what you've been through but –"
"Stop saying that!" Olivia cried out. "Stop telling me what to think and feel. I don't want to change, okay? And I certainly don't want you to see me half-naked."
"Miss Benson," Doctor Kolios began.
"Get out."
"At least let me check for infection."
"Get out!"
The heart monitor beeped out of obligation, and Doctor Kolios knew he was outvoted. "All right. I'm sorry for the –"
"Leave," Olivia gritted out.
Her eyes followed the overly caffeinated doctor out of the room. Her shoulders relaxed as the door closed, and she bit back a curse as the bra strap shifted. Where the hell was Nancy?
She took one last beseeching look at her fellow doctor before rolling her eyes. Men. She gently knocked on the door, not surprised there was no response.
Olivia hurriedly swiped at her tears, frustration ebbing out of her. Why couldn't people leave her alone? And why had her friends suddenly disappeared?
Doctor Cadman gently closed the door behind her. "Hi there. I heard you like bananas?"
Olivia sniffled, relieved this doctor at least had some decorum.
"Rough day?"
Olivia didn't bother commenting. Her earlier pony tail was half down but fixing it was out of the question. Her shoulder screamed constantly, so there was no way she could bring her arms up enough to fix her hair. She must look a mess.
Doctor Cadman laid the banana down on her tray. "I heard you haven't eaten lunch. It's almost 3:00. Is the nausea medicine not working? We could try a different one."
Olivia shook her head, trying to be perfectly still. Her stomach wasn't the problem. The rolling pain simply silenced any hunger she felt.
"I heard you like our new nurse. Nancy, right?"
Olivia snapped her attention to the doctor. "Where is she?"
Doctor Cadman offered a gentle smile. "It's her day off."
Olivia's expression fell. Could she ask for more pain meds? Could she do that while being pregnant? Then again, if she wasn't keeping the baby…she could ask for pain meds?
Quiet settled into the room like an awkward pause at a family dinner. "Olivia," Doctor Cadman whispered. "I'm sorry. I am so very sorry. It has to come off."
Olivia's lip quivered. She didn't need to ask questions. She knew what the doctor wanted.
"If we cut it off, you wouldn't have to move your shoulder at all," Doctor Cadman offered. "And there's enough gauze, we wouldn't have to peel it off your skin or anything. It should feel better immediately."
Olivia glanced down at her hands, hating the tear trickling down her cheek.
"I can have a nurse bring in a few blankets to make sure you're covered up. I know staying dressed is important to you."
Olivia barely shook her head. She didn't want a group of people in here. The thought of anyone cutting her clothes off…she couldn't do this.
Doctor Cadman inched her way closer. "I know you don't want to do this, but you have to, okay? Your shoulder is already badly damaged."
"Please don't say that word."
"What word?" Doctor Cadman tilted her head. Her patient offered no response, but she quickly figured out the trigger word. "Okay," Doctor Cadman agreed with a nod. "I'll do that for you if you do this for me."
Olivia begged the doctor with her eyes to reconsider, but there was no mercy.
"I promise we will go as slow or as fast as you want. My goal is to make sure you're healthy, and being healthy isn't always easy. So can you help me? We'll get the bra off and check for infection. I promise we'll be done in less than ten minutes."
Her heart rate started rising again. Bad things happened when clothes were cut off. It had been months since she was fully covered. Could she really give this up?
Doctor Cadman headed toward the bathroom and came back with a new hospital gown and a pair of scissors. "You ready?"
Olivia eyed her warily. She tried to tell herself this was better than life with Lewis. Her friends were here. She could eat as much food as she wanted. There was ice water.
Doctor Cadman slipped the scissors over the shirt's hem and started muttering about a new TV show.
Olivia's eyes never wandered from the scissors. Her muscles tensed, waiting for the scissors to slice her skin apart. The shirt slowly fell open, and the scissors made quick work of the remaining material. Cool air hit Olivia's stomach, and her shoulders started quaking. Not again. She was done. She had survived dozens of assaults…hundreds of them, probably. They were over. Lewis was in prison. The cold air didn't know that, though. It had missed her presence and snaked around her skin quickly. Goosebumps rose, but her chest did not.
This wasn't fair. None of this was any fair at all.
Doctor Cadman closed the door behind her with a small sob. She could live fifty years and not forget the look of sheer terror on that woman's face.
Doctor Kolios excused himself from the talkative nurses and headed towards her. "How was it?"
Doctor Cadman let her eyes answer that ludicrous question. "No infection. I used the cream you suggested and rewrapped her shoulder. I recommend you make sure a female nurse is with you next time you check on her."
The three men across the hall anxiously eyed the doctors. "Can we go in now?"
Doctor Cadman gave a parting glare to her useless colleague and stepped towards the gentlemen. "Did any of you know she was wearing that bra?"
Fin put his hands up. "I don't ask a woman those questions."
Nick and Brian looked down at their feet.
She shook her head in disbelief. "Did you know that a burn is one of the most painful injuries a person can have? And you didn't think it was important to tell anyone she had elastic cutting into her second and third degree burns?"
Brian stood to his full height. "She said she didn't want help getting it off."
"Of course she didn't," Doctor Cadman chided. "She's been made to rely on someone else for months. She wants to prove she doesn't need help. Your job is to help her anyway. She could have permanently dam…uh - injured the nerves."
"Did she?" Nick asked anxiously.
Doctor Cadman clenched her fists. "We won't know until after the surgery."
Brian closed his eyes and let the wall hold his head up again.
"Look," Doctor Cadman rubbed her forehead. "That monster did horrible things to her, and you cannot change any one of them. But the things she needs now and the help you can give her, if you don't actually help her then any resulting complications are on you – not the guy who took her. You can't treat her like a broken doll. She won't get better by doing nothing and that Chinese food certainly isn't helping. It raises the sodium levels while dropping every other number we are trying to improve."
Fin started to argue, but the doctor gave him no opportunity.
"She can't slip into her normal life like nothing happened. She can't wear a bra. She can't wear shoes, and she certainly can't go jogging. There are times you will need to push her. Other times, you'll have to tell her no. If you're not willing to do that, Miss Benson will need to stay in a rehabilitation clinic."
"That won't be necessary, doctor," Fin interjected softly.
"Then stop coddling her," Doctor Cadman retorted. "That bra situation should have been handled hours ago. You let her down, and I for one, I think she's been let down enough. So get your head on straight or get out." Doctor Cadman finished with a scolding glare so strong that the men dared not argue.
They watched her scurry around the corner, righteous anger flowing from the tired doctor. Barba rounded the corner a moment later with a bag of donuts. "Is this the visitor line?"
Brian shook his head. "I don't think you wanna go in there right now, man."
Barba took in their pained expressions and decided against their advice. "Why don't you go grab some coffee? I'll keep her company."
The men didn't move as Barba stepped through the forbidden door. They didn't need to talk. They didn't even need to look at each other. The doctor had hit the nail on the head. They had been so sure of not pushing her too hard that they hadn't pushed her enough. Either they didn't do enough or they did too much. Where was the line? How much would they hurt her until they figured it out? Could they figure it out? What if they didn't? All this time of looking for her, would it be in vain if that was where their help truly stopped? So many questions that no one knew the answer to.