July 2011
Having a strong stomach was something Oliva Benson prided herself on at SVU. She'd puked at a crime scene once her first month on the job and hadn''t since. Until right now, crouched over the bushes just off the porch of some poor homicide victim's home. She heard footsteps coming down the front steps and recognized Fin's boots, his voice yelling back inside for someone to toss him a water bottle.
Deer Park bottle in hand he rounded the corner and passed it down to her when she looked up from dry heaving, his eyes clouded with concern.
"You alright?" He said and Olivia felt tears stinging behind her eyes, looking away when the furrow of Fin's eyebrows told her that he picked up on it. That was another thing Olivia Benson hadn't done in front of her co-workers in a while. Cry.
Swiping at the sides of her mouth she took a swig of water to prolong the inevitable, but couldn't stop the small shake of her head, fingers crushing the plastic of the battle she was holding. Fin had sat down on the bottom step, scooting over enough for her to slide in next to him.
She glanced around to make sure they were alone as she sat, looking at the grass sprouting through the cracks on the sidewalk in front of them.
"I'm pregnant."
"Hey!" Fin started with so much enthusiasm Olivia couldn't help but wince. He seemed to notice though, softening his voice and putting a hand on her arm. "You're gonna be a good mom Liv, you got nothing to worry about."
She rolled the water bottle cap between her fingers, and swallowed the lump in her throat, dangerously near tears again. "I think I might actually." She said chewing on her bottom lip. "It's Elliot's."
:::
March, 2021
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, the only sound was the way that Elliot was breathing so hard he was borderline panting, bracing himself with a hand up on the wall. She cleared her throat in an attempt to find her voice, her mind racing. Surely the handful of people who knew wouldn't have told him anything.
"Your ADA," He started as though he'd heard the question she was asking in her head and she snapped her eyes up because Carisi was not someone that knew, and she wanted to believe Amanda hadn't run her mouth to him about it.
"I just asked how old she was, it didn't seem like he knew," Elliot continued and a sigh of relief escaped her. But she wasn't actually relieved as he sat down on the couch opposite her desk. He alternated between fiddling with his hands in his lap and rubbing his forehead, eyes blown.
"Why didn't you tell me? I would've been on the first plane back," He started, voice tight. "Did I lose my right to parent because I quit my job,"
"Excuse me?" Fell out of her mouth before she could stop and suddenly she wasn't just lost, she was angry. "I called and texted for months before I gave up. Fin tried to get a hold of you. We both tried to get the brass to tell us where you took off to but since I couldn't tell them why I wanted to know that went nowhere."
"You didn't," He started but she cut him off before he could get any farther. "Do I need to give you my phone log from 2011?"
And she wasn't lying. But feeling dumbfounded notwithstanding, she didn't think he was either.
"I swear to you, nothing came through on my end. Not one call, voicemail, nothing."
Was there a good way to suggest that his recently murdered wife had probably gotten into his phone and blocked everyone's numbers? Olivia wondered and decided that was a rabbit hole to go down another time, but the idea was already eating at her. And the thought that maybe she'd deserved that slipped into her head. But her gaze fell to the photo on her desk of Amelia from her fifth birthday. And maybe she, Olivia, had deserved getting shut out for what she did, what they did. But the little girl who had spent the last nine years without her dad didn't.
"Liv I'm sorry."
Stabler's voice cut through her thoughts and she popped her knuckles, looking off.
"We don't have to do this right now." She said quietly, but he shook his head, throwing a glance to the photo of Amelia she had just been looking at.
"I think we do."' He said shortly and she stood, walking around the other side of her desk and making the two second walk to sit down next to him on the couch a minute longer than it needed to be, her hands trembling some as she sat.
"Are you sorry for leaving? Or are you sorry for walking, for not giving me the courtesy of telling me." Oliva started, the words she'd been practicing in her mind since they first met eyes after the bomb went off turmbling out all at once. "And I know I told you, to take your space after what happened. But putting your papers without a word? You were the single most important person in my life, and then you were just- gone."
She could hear their exchange that morning like it was yesterday, not ten years ago. Him telling her that Kathy deserved better, that he'd talk to her- not tell her what had happened, but talk to her honestly about their marriage that was already falling apart all over again before he'd even shot Jenna. She'd told him she didn't think he should rush into another divorce, that if he needed space to think she understood, that he was allowed to feel as guilty for cheating as she did for "letting" him. But there was space, and there was leaving for ten years without a trace.
"If I had any clue," He started and she grimaced, holding back off a scoff. "Elliot," She started, finding the strength to look him in the eye. "All that tells me is that you only would've come back if you knew I was pregnant."
"That's not what I meant." He started and she sighed, watching his face shift. "I just thought,"
But whatever he was going to say next died on his tongue. He was just looking at her, like he was searching for something in her eyes, and past her eyes into her head. And she was doing the same, but after a few seconds couldn't stand it anymore, sitting back.
"What's her name?" He said after a minute and she followed his gaze to the framed picture on her desk.
"Amelia," She said quietly, her stomach flipping when it seemed like he couldn't pull his eyes off of the photo, and looked close to tears.
"I want you to be a part of her life Elliot- but I have to talk to her, we're doing this at her pace." She said, "And you should talk to your kids."
That last sentence was enough to pull his gaze, his face losing a bit of its color. Not that she could blame him. The thought of having to tell 5 kids who'd just lost their mom that they had a half sibling, born from their dad's police partner a decade ago, made her just as queasy as she knew it made him. And however it went would impact all of them. But that was his cross to mount up, even if it was both of theirs to carry.
Another long silence passed before they exchanged a somewhat awkward promise to talk later and he was gone, Olivia watching him leave through the crack in her door until he disappeared into the elevator. Leaning forward, she nudged her door completely shut with her foot and turned the lock before taking a deep breath, and letting the sob that had been bubbling up escape.
:::
The rest of the day went by in a blur, and while she was relieved when she got to clock out of SVU for the night, Olivia felt a pit forming in her stomach as she relieved her nanny. She resigned herself to talking to Amelia before she went to bed, trying to push the elephant in the room to the back of her mind as she made dinner and listened to the nine year old chatter about her day at school.
But she had always been a perceptive little thing, and Olivia wasn't completely thrown off by the way she furrowed her eyebrows when she was tucking her in, sitting up in bed a little.
"Are you okay Mom? You look sad." She said matter of factly and Olivia bit back a sigh.
"I'm okay sweetie," She started, sitting down on the carpet. "But I do need to talk to you about something,"
Amelia looked at her with an inquisitive expression, Olivia pausing for a beat in case she had any immediate questions before speaking. "Do you remember when I told you that your dad isn't here with us because he has a really important job catching criminals in other countries?"
It was almost laughable that the story she'd come up with on the fly was just about completely accurate, she thought absentmindedly. She'd originally heard whispers he was working as a liaison in DC, but the dad who wasn't around being a few hours away was harder to explain than the globetrotter.
"Yeah, why?" She said and Olivia tried to steady her voice. "Well, he moved back to New York last week. That old friend of mine that got hurt in the accident and died was his wife,"
"The lady he had his other kids with?" The nine year old asked and Olivia nodded.
That part had come up two months ago when she'd gotten into one of her photo boxes and found a photo of Olivia, Kathy, Elliot and Eli at his first birthday party. Amelia had seen photos of Elliot before, but now there was another woman and baby and Olivia found herself trying to explain an affair to a child at 4pm on a Wednesday. And knowing someday that the lie she'd told, that Elliot and his wife were separated when the two of them were together for a "little bit" would come back to bite her kept her up at night. But that wasn't the conversation they were having tonight at least.
"We talked earlier today, and he'd really like to meet you sometime but," Olivia started again and Amelia cut her off."
"Is he gonna go away again since his wife died?" She said and Olivia let out a small sigh, running a hand over the side of her daughter's hair, trying not to let it show that she had the same question herself. "I don't know honey, but if he does move again it's not gonna be for a while. And I told him that how you meet him is completely up to you," She said. "We can wait a little bit, or just talk on the phone first,"
Amelia seemed to ponder that for a minute before speaking, holding her stuffed animal just a little tighter. "I want to see him mom. Not just talk on the phone."
"Well we'll figure something out then, okay?" Olivia responded and kissed the nine year old's head when she gave her a small nod, tucking her all the way in before standing up.
They exchanged I love you's and goodnights and she left the door a crack open like she always did as she walked out of her room, feeling her phone buzz against her hip as she padded down the hallway back to the living room.
When she pulled it out of her cardigan a text from Elliot lit up the screen.
Stabler
If it's not too much, could you send me some photos?
Olivia settled on the couch and bit the inside of her cheek as she swiped open her camera roll and thumbed through the album labeled baby girl. The photos she selected ranged across the past few years. Amelia grinning at the camera after she'd lost both of her front teeth, the two of them with Amanda and her two daughters at her birthday party, a little video of her playing in the ocean with Fin's grandson at the Hamptons, a photo of Amelia in her service cap after her captain promotion ceremony.
Texting the final selections to Elliot, an ache bloomed in her chest. Because in a parallel universe she wouldn't be filling him in on the past decade via tapping at her phone. In a parallel universe he would've been there when Amelia lost her front teeth, he would've been the one taking their photo at the American Girl Store- not a complete stranger. Would've been at all her promotion ceremonies and weekend trips to Hamptons when SVU got just a little too heavy.
She threw a glance at the folded up piece of paper on the coffee table. The letter she hadn't opened since she read it for the first and last time. He'd pulled it out of his pocket and put it in her hands during a file exchange two days ago, and neither of them had mentioned it since. But the words ran through her head on loop,
What we had was never real
We got in the way
If there's a man in your life, I hope,
But in a parallel universe,
Her phone buzzed on the couch, buzzed again and when she picked it up she was met with the notifications from Elliot heart reacting to all the photos she'd sent. The photos of his, their, daughter.
It will always be you and I.