A/N: I wrote this immediately after I updated but had to stop myself because it was so emotional and depressing for me. I'm so sorry you have to wait for a month – time flies ridiculously fast.

A couple of chapters left before Season 1 ends, thank you for your patience! You guys made this hard time so much better xx

Chapter 20: I Love You, Even in Death

"Fuck." That was the first word that escaped my lips as I gained consciousness. My hand instinctively clutched my chest where I had been staked but there was no wound nor blood, no proof that I had died. Oh, how I wished this was all just a nightmare.

I woke up – no, I spawned in the middle of the Wickery Bridge, where I had died the first time. How poetic. Even in death, the universe had a sense of humor. I glanced down at the calm water beneath in disdain, before turning on my feet – I was no longer on the bridge. Was the Other Side always this trippy? I was not in Mystic Falls either; I had ended up in a college dormitory much to my confusion. What…?

"Vanessa?" Bonnie's familiar voice asked in surprise. Ah, the Anchor to the Other Side. Now it made sense. "What are you doing in Whitmore?"

"This is your dorm?" I questioned, glancing around in distaste. "Caroline couldn't compel for better rooms?" I asked jokingly and Bonnie burst out laughing although her face was still puzzled at my sudden appearance.

"What are you doing here?" she asked and I gave her a look, not wanting to say it out loud. "No…"

"Unfortunately, yeah," I confirmed with a tight smile. "So…are you going to brief me or maybe give me a tour of the Other Side?"

"I'm so sorry this happened to you," Bonnie said, ignoring my jokes. She looked genuinely sorry, and I found my heart warmed at that.

"Me too. Caroline did warn me about the Travelers's but…well. Can you let her know?" I asked and she nodded.

"Can I…tell Elena? And Jeremy?" Bonnie asked unsurely and I shrugged.

"Sure, I'm sure she'll be relieved," I said and Bonnie opened her mouth to argue, but I didn't feel like listening to people defending my sweet twin sister at the moment so I just touched Bonnie's arm quickly. I could feel myself being pulled into the purgatory, finally crossing over to the Other Side.

Bonnie was no longer with me, and I was back at New Orleans.

Kol.

He was cradling my dead, desiccated body – not a pretty sight at all – the stake had been removed and I winced at the sight of the blood stained stake that had been the cause of my death.

"Brother," Klaus called out softly as he approached Kol, before kneeling next to him. By the look of it, Klaus had been the first one to break the silence and I didn't think much time had passed since I was staked. Elijah was still in the same position, standing by the wall where Kol had him in a chokehold before I was stabbed, wearing a look of shock and guilt.

Whatever it was that happened, I could only guess. Cassandra must have had come to see Elijah, probably to say her last "I love you" before she went on a suicidal mission i.e. killing me when she knew Kol would definitely go after her. And Kol had caught them being intimate, and thinking she was me, had lashed out on Elijah. Great.

"Kol," Klaus said again, placing a hand on Kol's shoulder carefully. I noticed Klaus's eyes were glistening as he tried not to stare at my dead body. Instead, his eyes were trained on his brother who was…Kol was not crying. In fact, he was terrifyingly calm. And I supposed that what made it more unnerving for Klaus and Elijah. Kol didn't reply but only stared at my lifeless face with an unreadable expression on his face. Knowing Kol's exceptional mastery of his emotions, truth be told, I would be worried at what he was thinking and feeling too.

And the last thing I wanted was him spiraling out of control…just like I had when he died.

"Kol, let's take her body –"

"To what? Cremate her? Or do you want to bury her in my coffin?" Kol asked darkly at Klaus, who to my surprise, remained calm.

"We place her somewhere safe," Klaus replied, before forcing Kol to look at him. "Kol, there will be no funeral for Vanessa. I don't intend to lose another sister."

I couldn't help but smiled at hearing that, and felt myself assured at Klaus's words. I knew my death wasn't permanent. Kol and the Mikaelsons, they will bring me back. If they were not too preoccupied with the war happening in the French Quarter. I hoped. If they didn't bring me back, I would haunt them…like literally forever.

"Ah, finally," a man's voice said from behind me and I jumped at the intrusion, not expecting any interaction in this purgatory. "You must be Vanessa. I was hoping to meet you."

I narrowed my eyes at the stranger, dark eyes and black hair with stubble but despite his young face, I could tell he was old. It was his eyes, I noted, and the way he carried himself that indicated he was powerful and ancient, and dangerous.

"I thought we couldn't interact with anyone over here on the Other Side?" I asked and he smiled. It sent shiver down my spine.

"Well, I'm no ordinary warlock," he said and I looked at him warily. His smiled widened as he took in my nervousness, clearly enjoying it. "My name is Markos. And you, my dear, are wearing a familiar face."

"So you want me to just stay here and wait?" I asked the leader of the Traveler, as we walked through the streets of the French Quarter. Markos was a serious man, strictly business, even more so than Elijah. He had explained to me the significance of doppelgangers' blood in breaking the Traveler's curse, and had asked me kindly that I'd stay on the Other Side for at least a couple more days.

"I have no doubt your beloved will work ferociously to bring you back to the world of the living. I'm asking that you have them wait until I break the curse," he said. The way he asked was so casual, as if he was asking if I could wait for an Uber that would be 10 more minutes late.

"No," I protested. "I am only here for 20 minutes and I already had enough."

"I see patience is not your virtue," he said condescendingly and I frowned. Excuse me? "We don't want your death to be in vain, do we?"

"How about you let me come back and I will kill Cassandra for you," I asked. "The numbers of doppelgangers will remain the same."

"I do not want any more complications," he said sternly. "With your death, your doppelganger is off-limit. After I'm done, you're free to do as you please."

That was another thing. Kol would no doubt want to hunt Cassandra down and tear her limb from limb for killing me. But he would also keep her alive, as he knew I would want to be the one that kill her. I frowned at Markos, not really liking the idea that I had no say in this. He took my hand abruptly, and the scenery changed in a blink. The French Quarter streets turned into a clearing that looked like a junkyard, where a bunch of people were chanting ominously.

"So this is your army?" I asked and he raised an eyebrow at my mockery.

"This is your people."

"Come again?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"You asked me why you should help or even care in breaking this centuries-old curse," Markos said, rephrasing my early question for him in a more polite way, without the cursing. "You, Vanessa, are one of us. Selena's Oracle blood runs through your veins and with that, come your responsibility as her successor to accomplish what she was unable to do. It's her wish for her people to be free from this curse."

"I don't-"

"Did she not ask you for a favor?" Markos asked knowingly and I froze at his question. Crap.

"She did. As a price for bringing Kol back," I said slowly, in realization. "But she didn't exactly explain what the favor was," I argued, despite knowing that nothing was ever free, especially when it came to magic.

"Perhaps she already knew one day you'd be here, talking to me," he said and I huffed.

"So I'm just supposed to trust you?"

"Yes," he answered simply, much to my annoyance. "It won't take long. You'll know when it's done." Markos started to walk away when the Travelers started burning and killing themselves, and I thought it through everything he had explained to me.

"What happens if I don't do as you say?" I asked challengingly, and he gave me a chilling smile.

"You will. Because Selena has already seen to it."

I understood now why Qetsiyah created this purgatory as a punishment for her long term vendetta. It was meant to torture the dead. Only to watch your loved ones but unable to interact. Truly an exquisite prison. I had only been here for at least twenty minutes…

And it already sucked.

The only rule here was that you couldn't interact with the living or the dead…except for Markos, and maybe other witches and warlocks. Ugh, privilege. Other than that, you could just pop in and out anywhere you wanted to or when people thought of you. And that was how I ended up from the Traveler's hideout back to New Orleans, particularly, my room, in a blink. My body had been laid down on the bed, covered with a white linen sheet. Well at least they didn't put me in a coffin.

"Will he be alright?" I heard Elijah's voice from the hallway and I rolled my eyes as I glanced at Kol. The least Elijah could do was talk about Kol outside of his hearing range.

"What do you think?" I heard Klaus grumbled under his breath.

"And where are you going?" Elijah asked.

"We all had a long day, Elijah. We need rest," Klaus said, a little louder and I turned to look at Kol's blank face, wondering if he could hear them. The Mikaelson brothers weren't one to show affection. This was perhaps one of Klaus's way to tell Kol to take care of himself, to remind him that he wasn't alone. "Resurrecting and killing can resume tomorrow."

I let out a sigh as I approached Kol; the heaviness in my heart at the sight of him was burdening me. I had always been able to read Kol's face easily because we were so much alike. And having been through this before during his death, I knew exactly what he might be feeling.

It was overwhelming; the struggle to keep your emotions at bay so that you can clear your head, the rage of having your loved one taken away from you, the helplessness as the memory of watching them die kept playing in your mind, and the hollowness in your heart upon realizing you were now utterly alone.

And it was a torture for me, to witness him going through this but unable to comfort him. I had wanted to rip Elena and Jeremy apart when they killed him. I had wanted to hunt them down – my eyes widened as my mind backtracked.

Jeremy.

Mystic Falls

"Nessie, what are you doing here?" Jeremy asked, shooting up from the chair. He was with Tyler and Matt, in the Lockwood Mansion. I raised an eyebrow at him, surprised that he still hadn't heard of my death.

"Dude, what?" Tyler asked, looking around seeing that my brother was talking to the air.

"Trouble in paradise?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at Jeremy's bewildered face. "I take it you're not talking to Bonnie, or else you'd have known already."

"Know what?" he asked.

"Jeremy, what are you talking about?" Matt asked and Jeremy looked at them, still confused before it dawned on him.

"No…" he muttered under his breath and I gave him a nonchalant shrug.

"Yep."

"It's Vanessa," Jeremy said to Matt and Tyler, still staring at me in denial.

"In the spirit," I joked, although my audience right now was only Jeremy. He didn't seem amused, either he didn't get the in the flesh reference or he was actually distraught at finding out about my death.

"No, you can't be dead-" Jeremy said, and I rolled my eyes.

"She's dead?" Matt asked and I started to grow annoyed. I don't have time for this.

"Some privacy please?" I asked the human, forgetting for a moment that he couldn't hear me. Jeremy muttered something unintelligible under his breaths as he excused himself, following me outside.

"How did you…?" Jeremy didn't finish his words but he didn't have to.

"No, it wasn't the Mikaelsons or their enemies. It's my unfortunate luck of being born as the doppelganger," I said. "I need you to call my boyfriend."

"Kol?"

"Obviously. I don't switch brothers," I retorted. "He still uses his number when you two were buddies." Jeremy numbly pulled out his phone as he scrolled his contacts, no doubt, still processing over my death.

"What's going on with you and Bonnie?" I asked, while waiting for Kol to answer. Jeremy didn't reply, only avoiding my gaze. "You know, both Kol and I are psychopaths, but we do communicate our issues with each other. Screaming and yelling, actually, but yeah," I said slightly smiling. I already miss our screaming matches, no matter how frustrated it was at the moment.

"He's not answering," Jeremy said.

"Duh, you think he's going to answer his killer on the first try? Call him again," I said sharply. Jeremy winced under my gaze and words – did he think I wasn't going to bring up that time when he killed Kol? I ignored him, besides, I wasn't here for family reunion, I needed to talk to Kol.

"He's not answering," Jeremy repeated. I gave him a look and he tried again, giving glances at me, thinking over what to say as he waited for Kol to pick up. "I miss my sister, you know."

I froze at his words before dismissing it. Of course I missed him too. I wasn't devoid of emotions as I liked to pretend to be. He was my little brother, one that I had protected all my life even before I became a vampire. And I knew he was sorry, I knew he regretted what he did…but it didn't change the fact that he conspired behind my back and killed the only person I've ever truly loved –

"What do you want, little Gilbert?" Kol's voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I perked up at hearing his voice. This was the closest I could get to talking with him.

"Vanessa is here. She wants to talk to you," Jeremy said, straight to the point.

"What?" Kol's snappy attitude disappeared, and I imagined he thought this was some kind of cruel joke.

"I can see ghosts, remember?" Jeremy explained, before looking at me. I bit my lips, not really knowing where to start.

"Tell him not to do anything crazy," I blurted out.

"She said not to do anything crazy," Jeremy said and I heard Kol let out a humorless chuckle.

"Darling, we both know that's not happening," he said. He sounded so much like himself, full of mischief and darkness, that it made me smiled fondly. I could hear the smile in his voice before I fell quiet – perhaps it was Jeremy's presence and his role as the messenger that made this uncomfortable. Neither Kol nor I wanted to appear weak, especially not in front of Jeremy. But it wasn't like we had a choice.

"Nessie?" Jeremy asked quietly. I glanced at him for a second before looking away, feeling the frustration and the helplessness built in me. I sighed as I gave in.

"Tell him I love him," I said. It was cliché but I needed Kol to know. "And that it's not his fault. None of us saw it coming."

"She said she loves you. And that it's not your fault. None of you guys saw it coming," Jeremy relayed the message somewhat awkwardly yet faithfully. Kol didn't reply, which was understandable with his killer's presence in our personal conversation.

"Does he have a plan to bring me back?"

"Do you have a plan to bring my sister back?" Jeremy asked.

"Of course I have," Kol snapped before sighing. "But it's not like we're best friend with the witches. You saw Davina, she couldn't do magic like before."

I nodded as I processed his words. So maybe the Travelers get to break the curse anyway. Oh, right, another request from Markos. "I also need you not to kill my sweet doppelganger yet. I want to be the one to rip her heart out and fed it to her."

Jeremy looked at me, horrified and I forgot I wasn't directly talking to Kol. "Oh don't act like a saint," I said to my brother and he cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Vanessa asked you not to kill Cassidy yet. She…wanted to be the one to kill her," Jeremy said.

"As you wish, darling," came Kol's voice and I stared at the phone hard, wishing I could see him right now. God, I missed him.

"Are you okay?" I asked hesitantly. Kol didn't give a reply as Jeremy delivered my question. But to me, that was already an answer to my question. "Tell him I'm always by his side. We are just…don't be too heartbroken over this. Before he knows it, we'd be causing havoc together again."

"She said she's always by your side. Don't be too heartbroken over her death. Before you know it, you two would be causing havoc together again," Jeremy said and I smiled, appreciating that he said it word by word.

"Alright," Kol said – I heard his voice cracked but before I could say anything he hung up the phone and I held back a sigh. He wasn't alright. Of course he wasn't.

"Thanks for doing this," I told Jeremy curtly, turning around to pop back in in New Orleans.

"Nessie," Jeremy stopped me and I looked at him expectantly. I didn't need another apology – "I was…I'm sorry this happened to you. We'll find a way to bring you back."

" We?" I asked incredulously. "Who's we? You and Elena?"

"We've wronged you in the past, yes, but you are still my sister-"

"Wronged me in the past?" I questioned him angrily, my voice rising. All the sentiment and longing that I felt vaporized instantly. "I don't think you actually understand the damage of your actions," I said quietly…disappointed, really.

"Kol compelled Damon to kill me! We have no choice," Jeremy said defensively and I almost laughed. How many times had Damon put Jeremy's life in danger? Correct me if I'm wrong but at one point Damon did kill him and Elena got over it rather quickly.

"And do you know what happened after that? I went to Klaus and asked him to dagger Kol. That's how much I was going to protect you," I said fiercely. "And Kol did regret that. He agreed to compel Damon again, remember? I told you that…and you still went ahead with your plans."

"I'm sorry," Jeremy said, defeated. I stared at him, finding it to be genuine and full of regret. I shook my head, not wanting to be dragged into this endless argument.

"I know," I said softly. "But Jeremy, when you killed Kol, you did not just betray me. You chose Elena over me. You chose to follow her pathetic whims of wanting to be human over my sanity and heartbreak. You of all people know how much he means to me. You were with us in Denver."

Jeremy looked at me guiltily before looking away as tears fell down his cheeks. He was there. He was there to witness me falling in love with Kol Mikaelson and he had seen how happy I was. And he still chose to rip that away from me.

"The reason why it's so hard for me to forgive you…it's because I never thought you'd ever hurt me in the worst way possible," I said before sighing. "Goodbye, Jeremy."

When I returned to our room in New Orleans, it was a different scene. There were broken shards of glass and several holes on the wall. Kol had lost his calm demeanor, now looking deranged.

"Oh God, maybe I shouldn't have called," I said to myself as I walked over to him. In my attempt to comfort him, I may have broken him further with the phone call.

"Do you think your death is so trivial?" Kol asked in disbelief as he stared at my desiccated body on the bed. "Don't be too heartbroken over my death," Kol muttered to himself as he repeated my words, hurt and anger were evident in his voice.

I felt my chest tightened as I could see and hear how hurt he actually was. Kol wasn't one to show his weakness, not while talking to Jeremy, not here in this house knowing his brothers might hear him. He looked like he was struggling to not let his grief consumed him, and it broke me.

We had faced many near-death situations before, we even grieved together when we thought I would die because I was sired to Klaus. Even then, he didn't show me his anguish. I had seen his fear when he saved me from death – once, when Cassandra tortured me on Halloween night, and another when Evil Alaric was going to stake me at Mystic High.

And then tonight, I had just died like that, without a warning.

"I'm sorry, Kol," I said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed, next to my corpse's feet. Kol had let himself fell on the floor, leaning against the wall as he stared helplessly at my dead body. "But this is temporary. We don't have to grieve."

But it wasn't like he could hear me. The silence in the room was deafening. I watched painfully as Kol closed his eyes slowly, before he let out a deep sigh of defeat. He reached out for my hand – no, my corpse's hand – and held it firmly.

"You don't know do you?" he asked, a sad smile playing on his lips. "How much I actually love you…" he said softly, shaking his head. I felt my throat tightened as tears welled in my eyes upon hearing his words.

I had been avoiding thinking about my death. I had been ignoring the looming fact that I was dead. So I had focused my emotions on how frustrated I was being trapped here on the Other Side. I didn't want to make a fuss, knowing this wasn't permanent. I didn't have to worry because I will be back to the world of the living in a couple of days.

But it was an entirely different thing for Kol. Unlike me, he couldn't see or hear me. My death and absence was real. He had watched me died in front of him, gasping for breath and fighting to tell him that I loved him. He had watched me breathed my final breath. He had watched the light in my eyes disappeared.

My death was never something that I feared. But what it could do to those I loved, that, I feared greatly.

"It is impossible, Vanessa, that's how much I love you," Kol said after a while, letting out a shuddering breath. He placed a kiss on my desiccated hand before resting his head on them. I placed a hand on his back before stroking his hair, but I couldn't feel his familiar warmth, no. I could see my hand made physical contact but I couldn't feel him.

Watching him break was worse than being staked in the heart.

"It is an honor to be loved by you, Kol Mikaelson," I said, forcing a smile on my face as the tears fell. I sobbed, finally broken by what had transpired. "I love you, even in death."