A/N: Updates and replies to reviews have been delayed due to a sensitive family matter. Thanks to all the readers out there for your support and for your understanding. This chapter is a filler I wrote a long time ago so please enjoy.

You Were Conceived Next to a Tortoise Enclosure

Teiko's Terrorist

Teiko Middle School had a basement. Inside that basement, above a pipe, on a small stretch of wall, there was a noticeboard. On it, someone had thumbtacked several student headshots in the shape of a pyramid. In the uppermost row, there were three pictures; two boys and a sharp-eyed girl. The girl's picture was the only one to have been desecrated so appallingly. Her eyes and teeth had been inked in, devil horns added to the top of her curly hair and a Hitler moustache scribbled above her upper lip.

A dart zipped through the air and stuck in the centre of her forehead.

The picture was of Tsukino Kame.

There were a few things Tsukino Kame deemed crucial to her existence. Getting a minimum twelve hours of beauty sleep (she had read somewhere that sleep promoted growth, thus justifying her many naps), drinking lots of milk (ditto), her collection of DVDs starring Takeshi Kaneshiro (she had her reasons), and finally her pride as a delinquent. Anything that threatened these things was immediately deemed a hazard in need of immediate removal.

"I insist that you try on the swimsuit that I bought for you yesterday. With my own money."

Unfortunately, the current threat to her pride had somehow managed to endear itself to her. Even with her eyes shut, Tsukino could feel the gazes of bewildered onlookers as Sakata Riyeko dangled the bright purple, frilly one-piece above her head.

"It was the only one I could find on such late notice in your size. It also worth noting that the store has a limited seven-day return policy on children's swimwear."

Tsukino, who was laying on her back in the grass, cracked open a wary eye. "I told you already, I can't swim."

"You can learn to swim. If you commence your lessons today after school, I believe you will be ready to join the team in a month, perhaps less."

"This isn't the plot of some feel-good sports manga, Sakata-san."

"Perhaps, but you are a natural, Tsukino-san, and I am confident that you will pick it up quickly."

"Is this the part where you say I have the body of a dolphin, and the nose to match?" Tsukino asked, sitting up. A group of girls from their class sitting in a ring nearby snapped their heads to their lunches when she turned to grin at them.

"In terms of facial features, I would have likened you more to a shark."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"It was not intended as such."

"Anyway," said Tsukino, rolling her shoulders back, "I have a thing tonight."

"With Mareo?"

"Yep."

"Heads up!"

Tsukino's hand shot out and caught the ball just before it connected with Sakata's head. Tossing it over her shoulder, Tsukino inadvertently hit one of the students who had been playing catch in the head, thus solidifying her reputation as a scumbag once more. Had she turned around, she might have seen the boy with spiky brown hair observing the events intently through the lens of his camera. But that was a story for another time.

"Your reflexes are quite impressive," Sakata said as she folded the purple swimsuit and placed it carefully inside Tsukino's bag for her to try on at a later time. "But they won't be worth a damn if someone pushes you into a canal again. And considering your personality, I'm guessing that the chances of that are quite high."

Tsukino was trying to come up with a scathing retort that would no doubt put her new best friend in a state shock and awe, when a large shadow fell over them.

"Speak of the devil," said Sakata.

The blood drained from Tsukino's face.

For as long as she could remember, Tsukino had been terrorised by her older brothers Ichiro and Zinan. While she may have gotten the occasional stink bomb in, much of ages zero to eleven had been spent fighting a one-sided guerrilla war that usually ended with her being farted on. The harsh conditioning of being forced to sprint through the local woods and climb trees to avoid capture had made her extremely fast and able to react quickly to her surroundings. Eventually even Teiko's Tsukino Brothers couldn't keep up with her without underhanded tactics.

All this meant absolutely nothing in the face of Aomine Daiki, who was apparently the fastest human being on the planet and extremely unforgiving when it came to bees, no matter how much she begged.

"Yo, Tsukino."

Snatching her bag, Tsukino hugged it over the top of her head and scooted behind Sakata. She didn't think her hair, industrious though it was, could survive another one of Aomine's Special Noogie Attacks.

"Relax," said Aomine, eyeing her tiredly. "I'm not gonna hit you."

"That's exactly what you said right before you tricked me into coming out of the girls' toilets."

Sakata turned around and stared at Tsukino, who shrunk further under her scrutinising gaze.

"He said he had ice cream."

"Why do I get the impression that you would sell your first-born for a tub of ice cream?" asked Sakata.

"Because I would rent out my womb on a yearly basis for a steady supply of Rocky Road."

"That response was too quick."

"Everyone needs to have dreams."

"Perhaps if we found a compatible male specimen we could use you to breed the perfect swimmer. Aomine-Kun, would you be interested-"

"I refuse."

"That's understandable. As a woman Tsukino-san does leave something to be desired."

Tilting his head to the side, Aomine considered this seriously. "No boobs."

"Narrow hips."

"Too short."

"Big teeth."

"You wanna die you bastards?"

Aomine took a sudden step forwards and Tsukino lurched behind Sakata. The bastard was toying with her!

"Go away, Aomine!" shouted Tsukino. "Haven't you done enough, you monster!"

"Ah shut up, I need a favour," he said, kicking her shin. "I can't find Tetsu. Gimme his phone number."

"Tetsuya doesn't want you calling him. Because he doesn't like you. Because you suck and he loves me more."

Biting into her apple, Sakata observed the scene with mild interest. Having never met the oft spoke of and highly lauded Kuroko Tetsuya, it was like watching two people casually discussing dinner plans with the Loch Ness Monster.

Frowning, Aomine kicked Tsukino harder. "Don't be a pain."

"Fine. I'll call him for you," said Tsukino. She maintained eye contact with him as she slowly took her phone out of her backpack, shielding the screen from his view. "Voicemail. He's probably in the library. That's the only time he turns his phone off."

Well there was that one time when Tsukino forgot to knock, but out of respect for Kuroko's modesty and the safety of her collection of Takeshi Kaneshiro DVDs, Tsukino opted not to mention what that was.

"I recommend you go there right now, post-haste," said Tsukino, flaring her eyes suggestively. "You're not wanted here. Go, go, go."

"There's no way I'm gonna find that invisible guy," Aomine muttered to himself. His eyes narrowed calculatingly on the crouched figure. "But you can."

Tsukino's leg muscles tightened as she glared at him. "You can't make me."

At which point Aomine chased her through the sports field, put her in a headlock, and dragged her away.

The library was to Aomine Daiki and Tsukino Kame a mysterious, faraway place, like the Emerald City. In that they had never been there, were relying entirely upon the vague signposts set up in the hallways to guide them, and since they both had the directional acuity of rocking horse, encountered much hijinks on the way.

A girl who had long ago fallen in love with Aomine's dorky smile and untethered energy walked the halls with the express intention of giving him the love letter she had been crafting for four years. She found him unashamedly interlocked with another girl, his arm wound lovingly round her neck. From her vantage point behind a crowd of people, she could not make out what the girl looked like, only that Aomine was hugging her close to him and whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

"Stop struggling," said Aomine.

"Don't you think you sound a bit too much like a serial killer?" Tsukino shot back.

Tearing the love letter to shreds in her hand, tears streaming down her cheeks, the girl retreated into the shadows never to appear in this story again.

Leaning away from him, Tsukino tried not to gag. "Your breath reeks. What have you been eating?"

Aomine breathed into his palm, sniffed it and grimaced. "Mum bought home Nattō."

"Are you sure it wasn't a pile of shit? Because your mouth smells like a pile of shit."

Holding her firmly in place, Aomine exhaled a steady stream of repugnant air into her face until she managed to free one of her hands and shove a stick of gum into his mouth. Thanking her, he resumed dragging her down the hallway, popping bubbles as he went.

One group of extremely short first years, some of whom barely reached Aomine's waist shuffled into their path.

"Aomine-senpai!" cried one of the small boys. "Are you okay? Did Tsukino-senpai hurt you?"

From her bent position, she glared at the munchkin leader.

"You can't be serious," she said. "He has me in a headlock."

"Because if Tsukino-san is bothering you, just say the word," said the munchkin leader, his fat rosy cheeks twitching animatedly. "You don't have to be afraid of her."

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Aomine, scratching his forehead.

"I am the victim here!" shouted Tsukino. "Aomine is like three times bigger than me."

"D-don't try to fool us," squeaked a girl with blonde pigtails and big blue eyes. Tsukino named her Goldie McRiding Hood. There was a lot of overlap between Tsukino's fairy-tale mythos, mostly because she lost interest the moment it became clear there would be little bloodshed.

"We know you were behind the destruction of our model city of Tokyo last year," said Goldie McRiding Hood.

"That was Godzilla," said Tsukino, trying (and failing) to suppress the grin. It wasn't a lie. The toy Godzilla she had brought from home had indeed been the culprit, as could be seen on the video she posted online.

"None of us want any trouble. Puh-puh-please, leave Aomine-senpai alone," said Goldie McRiding Hood. The others muttered their agreement. "Haven't you terrorised the people of this school long enough, Tsukino-senpai?"

"This is unbelievable," said Tsukino. "I didn't do anything… today."

"Today," said Aomine.

"Don't worry, Aomine-senpai," exclaimed the munchkin leader, puffing up his chest. "We'll call a teacher right away."

"Uh, that's okay," said Aomine, but the army of munchkins had already marched past him and were well on their way to seek out justice.

"What the hell?" said Tsukino.

"You heard of the boy who cried wolf?" said Aomine.

"Is that the one where the boy has a torrid love affair with the wolf and then the wolf leaves him for his grandmother and he cries for forty days and forty nights and floods the world?"

"Hey… you have shit for brains don't you?"

"At least I don't have shit for breath."

Soon the reluctant pair reached a dim and gloomy crossroads (the fluorescent tubing had been smashed the day before when Tsukino tried to demonstrate to a disbelieving Sakata that she could indeed reach the ceiling). According to the skewed sign overhead, the library was both to their left and straight ahead. As they bickered over the correct way -Tsukino mostly swearing at him for the sake of swearing at him, while Aomine half strangled her to death- Midorima appeared on the straight road. He tried to sneak away before they-

"Yo, Midorima, wait up!" Aomine shouted, running up to him, Tsukino under his arm. "Tell us where the library is."

Midorima deflated for a moment. Then he readjusted his glasses and squared his shoulders imperiously. "Lower the volume of your voice, Aomine. Have respect for the students who are actually here to learn."

"Yeah, Aomine."

"That goes for you too Tsukino. I could hear your foul language all the way on the other side of the school."

Shooting him an evil grin, Tsukino proceeded to inform him of his mother's less than respectable reputation, her issues with weight gain comparative to the size of the planet, the ambiguity of his paternity, and how his first date would conclude with tears of laughter after they saw the disproportionate size of his genitalia.

Needless to say, Midorima did not help them find the library.

"Can't keep your mouth shut for five minutes," Aomine said as Midorima's trembling back disappeared from view.

"I don't want to hear that from you, dog-breath."

"Yeah, well at this rate we're never gonna find Tetsu," he said, giving her neck a squeeze.

"Why do you want to find him anyway?" asked Tsukino.

"I need to give him his book," said Aomine. "He lent it to me for English class."

"I didn't know you could read."

"There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me."

"I know that you hide your perverted magazines in your textbooks in class so the teacher doesn't catch you."

"Eh, I don't really hide that though-"

"I know you pick your nose sometimes when you think people aren't looking."

"Oi-"

"I know you sulked for a week when you found out Horikita Mai got a boyfriend."

"How the hell-?"

"I know everything about you, Aomine-sama," said Tsukino, her eyes wide and terrifying. "After all I am in love with you- OW!"

"What was that, your fifth confession to me?" Aomine asked flatly, a clump of her hair twisted in his hands. "Come up with some new material."

Aomine's body suddenly went stiff. Tsukino found his grip had relaxed enough that she could twist out of it. Rubbing her sore neck, Tsukino gazed at the sight that had given him pause. Her shoulders slumped.

"What did you do to piss them off this time?" Aomine asked dryly as the angry mob advanced on them from all sides.

"Why do you automatically assume I did something?" said Tsukino, searching in vain for an exit. They were boxed in. "They've called you out before too."

"Tsukino."

"Okay, okay. Last night I may or may not have stolen all of the president's clothes while he was in the shower and replaced them with a gym uniform that was a few sizes too small."

Aomine's scowl deepened.

"I also may or may not have put bleach in his shampoo, itching powder in his shower gel, and shut down all the water in the middle of said shower…"

"Is that girl's face green?"

"And this morning I may or may not have thrown water balloons at them. Filled with paint."

The advancing army halted. Altogether, there were about twenty of them, a group made up of hall monitors, class representatives and students who viewed untucked shirts as the eighth deadliest sin. Their expressions were set in grim determination, badges pinned proudly to their lapels.

"They look ready to kill you."

"It's not my fault," said Tsukino, jutting out her chin. "What moron takes a shower after playing darts? I sweat more on the toilet."

"What about the committee members?"

"I needed to test out my new sling shot," she said, pulling it from inside her cardigan. "Mareo got it for me."

"Put that away, dumbass!"

One of the rows parted and a boy walked forward. A red rash had spread over the side of his face courtesy of the itching powder, and a fringe of piebald black and blonde hair obscured his eyes, half-wild with desperation. Three darts were sticking out between his trembling knuckles as he glared at Tsukino.

"Tsukino Kame, class 2-D," said the president, voice booming with authority. "Discounting your abysmal attendance and ill-fitting uniform, since the commencement of this school year you have been found guilty of five counts of vandalism, six counts of property destruction, eight counts of assault, twenty-two counts of slander, and just now you were accused of destroying the model city of Tokyo by the Model Architects' Society."

Aomine let out a low whistle. "You did all that in a week?"

"I would have done more but Tetsuya confiscated my fireworks."

"Ah."

"Tsukino Kame," continued the president, a demented smile cracking open his face, "as the most prolific delinquent in the history of Teiko I am glad to say that this is the end of the road for you. Prepare to be disciplined. We will now escort you to the vice-principal's office, and we will be recommending another disciplinary meeting with your parents to curtail your disruptive antics."

"The most prolific delinquent in the history of Teiko, eh?" said Tsukino, raising an eyebrow as she considered this. "I'm honoured. Am I getting a medal, President-san?"

There was a thoughtful pause.

"…You forgot my name again, didn't you?" said the president.

There was another thoughtful pause.

"Of course not, you're Akashi Seijuro."

Aomine hung his head as the president's face went through seven shades of red before finally resting on purple.

"That's the president of the student council, you idiot!" shouted the president of the disciplinary committee, shaking his fist full of darts at her. "At least have the decency to remember my name after humiliating me. It's J-"

"Oh, I remember now," said Tsukino. The president's face lit up. She turned to Aomine. "Isn't Akashi Seijuro the guy you and Tetsuya are always going on about?"

"Yeah, he's the vice-captain of the basketball team."

"So what's this guy's name?"

"Beats me."

"Don't ignore me!" shrieked the president, stomping over to them. "My name is J-"

"Quick, Aomine, breathe on him with your dog breath."

"What the hell?"

"It's a diversion tactic. Just do it."

"Screw this. Oi, president-san, catch," Aomine said, snatching Tsukino's slingshot from her and tossing it to the president.

Taking advantage of the president's confusion, Aomine grabbed Tsukino's hand, and sprinted at the crowd. Immediately, the noble warriors of the disciplinary committee flung themselves against the walls, because Aomine was very large and very scary and they had recently witnessed him giving Tsukino Kame a noogie.

Glancing back, Tsukino waved back at Kuroko, who had been walking behind them ever since the munchkin troop left. Shaking his head, he resolved to keep his phone turned off for the rest of the day and perhaps learn how to block Tsukino's number. Something bad was coming. He could feel it.

As Tsukino and Aomine dashed around a corner, three darts zoomed over their heads and stuck in a poster advertising the Model City Club.

Aomine skidded round the corner of the building and pinned Tsukino against the wall under the fire escape as a group of committee members ran by. They had been running non-stop for the last twenty minutes, despite Tsukino's repeated insistence that they should take a stand on the roof and make use of the rest of her paint balloons. Aomine figured the disciplinary committee would postpone their search when the lunch bell sounded so they just needed to hold out till then. He didn't want to end up getting kicked off the team over something as petty as one of Tsukino's prank wars.

Unlike Tsukino, whose file was two drawers thick Aomine was a relatively average student. With the help of Momoi's last minute notes, he got passing grades and kept his mum off his back. He had good attendance, participated in school festivals when asked, and of course, he was the ace of Teiko's prestigious basketball team. The one and only time the committee had called him out of class was in first year just after Horikita Mai got a boyfriend and he had been skiving off to mope on the roof. He remembered that Tsukino of all people had arrived ahead of time to warn him.

Now here he was, hiding with her, helping her even since let's face it, he had the superior reflexes. It would have made sense for him to leave, but it never occurred to him that that was an option and neither of them thought to question it.

"The girl with the short hair," Tsukino said, sniggering into her hand as they snuck glances round the corner, "I cut her ponytail off in first year."

"Let me guess, she deserved it," said Aomine, eyes darting side to side.

"She made fun of my uniform."

Scanning Tsukino from head to toe, he had to admit he couldn't blame the girl. Tsukino's tattered cardigan and shirt were way too long, drowning her torso and almost obscuring the existence of her skirt, which looked like it had been patched up so many times none of the original material could have possibly remained.

"Your uniform is pretty rough," said Aomine.

She punched him half-heartedly, her fist resting against his chest. "Hey, be nice. I'm sensitive about that."

"Heh, why? You're not sensitive about anything else," said Aomine.

Something passed through her face briefly and Aomine bristled. He wasn't observant like Kuroko or analytical like Momoi, but he did have one thing on his side, and that was his instincts. Something was off with Tsukino; it had been since the beginning of the year. He was sure it had something to do with that Mareo guy she was always going on about.

"How can you speak so coldly to a delicate young maiden such as myself?" said Tsukino.

Or maybe she was just Tsukino.

"Delicate my ass."

"This is why Horikita Mai will never love you."

Tsukino's screams echoed into the warm spring air as Aomine subjected her to a gruelling minute of his Special Noogie Attack. They were soon found by the disciplinary committee.