A/N: A thousand thanks. Again buffer is non-existent so updates will be slow!
You were Conceived next to a Tortoise Enclosure
Tayama Hitoshi and The Lucky Underpants
Standing in the middle of the court, Nijimura watched the first-string run warm up laps. His brow wrinkled.
"Oi, vice-captain."
Splitting from the group, Akashi ran over to Nijimura, a sweaty sheen covering his face. "Yes?"
"Murasakibara and Midorima are absent."
"Perhaps they're running late. Midorima mentioned something about being on cleaning duty today."
"Notice something else?"
Akashi made a quick sweep around the space, eyes focusing on Momoi as she nervously poked her head out of the changing rooms.
"Tsukino-san is absent," said Akashi.
"Tsukino-san is dead."
It had been his own foolish curiosity that had led to this, although Midorima would never admit it.
As he'd been emptying out the bins during cleaning duty, he had spied Tsukino talking with two girls outside class 2-B accompanied by none other than Murasakibara. The bizarre, never seen before combination had warranted further investigation and so inching closer, Midorima concealed himself behind an open door and tried to listen in on their conversation.
"Tayama-kun didn't show up to class after lunch," said one of the girls. "I remember because he's usually so punctual."
Tsukino's face had gone pale. She had seemed nervous, anxious even, a rare emotion for such a one as the demon of the first-string gymnasium. As class representative, following up on this sort of thing was Midorima's responsibility. At least this how he justified ducking behind a recycling bin.
"You wouldn't happen to know where Tayama-kun might have gone?" Tsukino had asked. "I have something important to give him."
The two girls exchanged glances.
"Why do you want to know?" asked the other girl. Quite sensibly too. Giving that kind of information out to just anyone, especially Tsukino Kame, a known delinquent, was never a good idea.
And then Tsukino had done something that had gone beyond Midorima's scope of reality. Tilting her head to the side and smiling sweetly, she pressed her hands to her cheeks and said, "Well, of course I'm going to confess to him."
Then she pulled out an envelope with a heart sticker sealing the opening. The two girls had given it one look, nodded their understanding and immediately divulged his location.
Frozen at the thought of Tsukino being able to display any emotion beyond little angry ball of hate, Midorima hadn't been able to get out of the way before Tsukino and Murasakibara came by and discovered him.
And that was how he ended up crouched behind a bush wedged between two of his least favourite people monitoring Teiko's gardening shed for reasons still unknown to him.
"Remove your foot from my leg, Murasakibara."
"Eh, it's your leg that's under my foot," said Murasakibara, munching on some biscuits he had produced from his bottomless schoolbag.
"Stop whinging, Shintarou," said Tsukino, shading her eyes with her hand. "No one's stopping you from leaving."
"As class representative it is my duty to-"
"Just admit you're nosy," said Tsukino. A lewd grin appeared on her face. "Or is it that you're secretly in love with me."
"I would rather BLEEP a donkey."
Tsukino slapped her hands over her mouth to smother the laughter.
"Mido-chin sounds really weird when he swears," said Murasakibara, making a disgusted face as Tsukino tipped to the side, rolling in the dirt.
Readjusting his glasses, Midorima cleared his throat and tried to draw the focus back to the objective at hand.
"Tayama Hitoshi. You still haven't explained why you're hunting him," said Midorima. "Something like confessing seems impossible for you, Tsukino."
Brushing the tears from her eyes, Tsukino patted Midorima on the shoulder.
"As a reward for making me laugh, I will tell you. He stole your lucky underpants."
"That BLEEP!"
While Murasakibara held back Midorima, and Tsukino tried not to choke on her laughter, another story was being strung together inside the gardening shed.
Blackout curtains had been placed in front of the windows to prevent any natural light from entering. Inside the only sources of light were the two deep red safelights sitting at opposite corners of the shed. A shadowy figure scampered from one end to the other, hunching over a workstation where pieces of paper swirled in an aluminium tub filled with dark liquid. Above it, hung three lengths of clothesline. Photographs dangled from them and as you moved from picture to picture, the narrative gained greater clarity.
The first photograph, interrupted by a thumb was of a tiny vicious looking blur speeding down a hallway pursued by a gang of students twice its size. Further down the line was a picture of a figure with an abnormally round, shaved head, the light glinting off it at an angle so that the face was obscured. It was shouldering a suspicious lumpy sack out of the science department. Steadily the quality of the cameraman's photography skills (as well as his stalking abilities) improved and the subject came into focus. In parts at first. Eyes like slits. A glare as cold as the armies of the dead. Cropped hair lengthening into corkscrew curls. Teeth so big, it looked like the head had been grown around it as an afterthought. Then as a whole.
It could have played like a flipbook animation, tracking the growth of its subject, though with few changes to its overall size.
Twenty pictures in total.
There was a slosh as Tayama Hitoshi hauled a plastic bottle full of developing agent onto the workstation and poured it out into one of the tubs. He unclipped the last picture drying on the clothesline and held it in the air.
"Not in this one either," he muttered, scratching his head. "Where did it go?"
An arrangement with the school's groundskeeper (involving the groundskeeper being a generally swell guy), meant that the darkroom had been set up with what Tayama Hitoshi believed was the utmost discretion. Not that he would have had anyone to tell. His one and only friend was currently ignoring him in favour of a goldfish. So he was reasonably horrified when he heard the thumping at the door.
"This is the disciplinary committee!" said the voice on the other side.
Tayama Hitoshi stood stock still in the centre of the room. A bead of sweat slid down the tip of his sharp nose and split in two. He recognised the voice.
"Come out with your hands up!"
"Return the stolen undergarment you have in your possession at once, thief!" said another voice.
"Shut up, Shintarou, you're ruining it."
"I told you we are not playing cops and robbers!" There was another thump on the door. "Open up at once! I will have you answer for your crimes. Murasakibara, break the door down."
"Ah, fine."
The next thump shook the entire shed.
"As you can see we have a battering ram. This is your last chance to come out peacefully, Tatami Hitoshi."
"Tayama Hitoshi."
"Tayama Hitoshi."
Tayama Hitoshi quickly plucked all the photographs off the clothesline and stuffed them into his backpack along with the rest of the negatives and his camera. Casting one last hopeless look at his darkroom, which certainly would not survive Tsukino Kame, he pulled down one of the blackout curtains, pushed the back window open and leapt through it. Back pressed up against the wall, he listened.
"Put a bit more force into it, Murasakibara. This is not the time for indolence!"
"Eh, if Midorin wants to try it so badly, he can-"
"Move aside, amateurs!"
There was silence for a moment and then-
CRASH!
Tayama Hitoshi winced as he imagined all of the natural light flooding the darkroom and ruining all of the underdeveloped photographs.
"Skino-chin is kinda strong, huh?"
"Barbarian."
"All about the weakest point in the door, boys. You have to make sure you kick it where the keyhole is or you'll…" Tsukino's voice faded as she entered the shed.
Tayama Hitoshi took his chance. Still crouched, he darted round the side of the shed and broke into a full run, heading towards the school without sparing a look over his shoulder. If he had, he might have noticed the hawk like gaze fixed on his back.
Tsukino Kame had only ever met one other person who could outrun her and since she had decided that Aomine Daiki was not a human but in fact an alien on steroids, she was feeling pretty confident. About fifty meters away now.
Tsukino bent her arm behind her neck as she started to limber up.
Anyway, a head start would make it all the sweeter when she strangled him to death with his camera strap.
"This is lame," said Aomine, holding his hands behind his neck as they walked along the corridor. "Why do we have to be the ones looking for Tsukino?"
Momoi gave Aomine a weak smile. Practice was the one thing the basketball idiot looked forward to all day and having to postpone it for a wild goose chase didn't seem fair to him. Unfortunately, as Kuroko had rightly pointed out, Aomine was the only known person able to outrun Tsukino.
"Think of it this way, the faster we find Kame-chan and the others, the faster we get back to practice," said Momoi.
"And the faster the captain gets to thrash Tsukino," Aomine said with a smirk, beginning to see the bright side.
"Really, Aomine-kun, be more sympathetic. Don't you think the captain is a little hard on her? I'm surprised she didn't run away sooner."
"There's a reason she's called the Demon of the First-String Gymnasium, Satsuki," said Aomine.
"You're just mad because she cut out all the boobs in your gravure magazine," Momoi said slyly.
"She defaced Horikita Mai!"
"Technically she de-boobed her," said Momoi, raising a hand to her mouth to cover the snicker.
"That's not-"
Aomine threw his arm in front of Momoi, eyes narrowing.
"Aomine-kun…?"
There was a thoughtful look on his face, the same look he got when he was focussing on a difficult problem, one Momoi rarely got to see off of the basketball court. She looked into the empty hallway and tried to figure out what had caught Aomine's attention. Then she heard it. The sound of running.
"Looks like we found her," Aomine said, pushing Momoi behind a row of lockers.
"How can you be so sure its Kame-chan?" asked Momoi.
"Because someone's screaming."
"I don't hear any-"
Right on cue, the terrified gargle of someone running for their life exploded into the hallway. Pressing his finger to his lips, Aomine leaned against the side of the locker and waited. The poor nameless sod ran past them first and Momoi barely caught a glimpse of his spiky black hair before he disappeared down another hallway. Then Aomine's arm shot out.
"THE HELL!" screamed Tsukino, dangling from Aomine's fist like an angry Chihuahua. "Put me down!"
"Please calm down, Kame-chan, the captain-"
"You're letting him get away!" bellowed Tsukino.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure he deserves it," said Aomine, leaning in and fixing her with the kind of scowl an owner does its pet after it chews up the furniture for the umpteenth time. "Now tell us what you've done with Murasakibara and Midorima."
"Come closer, Aomine," Tsukino said in a dark whisper, "so I can bite that ugly nose of yours off."
"You little-"
"Aomine-kun, calm down-"
"Look, I don't have time for this. I need to catch that guy," said Tsukino, swinging her arms and legs in a futile attempt to escape.
"He murder your first born child as well?" Aomine asked dryly.
"Actually," she exclaimed with a look of horror, "he's been sneaking into the girl's locker rooms and taking pictures of innocent, unsuspecting girls in their underwear!"
"I don't believe you."
"He even has pictures of you, Satsuki. You know, in your battle underwear."
Momoi gave Tsukino a sympathetic smile and patted her arm in a placating manner. "I'm sure he does."
"I'm telling the truth!"
"You never tell the truth," said Aomine.
And then, as if the planets had aligned, something glorious happened.
"COME BACK HERE YOU UNDERWEAR PERVERT! YOU WON'T ESCAPE."
A shock of green hair zoomed passed them and disappeared around the corner. A long period of gloomy silence followed in which the smugness slow-dripped off Tsukino like tar, the told-you-so-smile ringing with the promise of bringing-it-up-later when she had more time to gloat. Then the silence was broken by a shriek. Aomine clapped both his hands over his ears, letting Tsukino go in the process. She was gone in a quick second.
"Satsuki, calm down!" Aomine shouted.
"That pervert has pictures of me in my underwear!" shrieked Satsuki, her face a shade of red one might imagine dripping down a volcano. "Don't you tell me to calm down!"
Teeth gritted, Aomine let out an exasperated groan and started running.
"I see we have some new faces here today," said Konishi Mino, captain of the girls swim club.
As the sun set, it cast shafts of warm, purple-red light through the swimming pool's high windows and onto the surface of the water. On the stands, several students sat clad in their swimsuits and swim caps hanging onto every word of their highly decorated captain.
Konishi could not help but smile seeing how much the club had expanded since the beginning of the year, her smile turning especially proud when she met the eyes of her number two standing diligently to the side. Almost single-handedly, Sakata Riyeko had succeeded in reviving the girl's swim club, pursuing new recruits day after day. The girl was insatiable. Konishi couldn't wait to meet the newest member Sakata had scouted for the team. She was meant to be the greatest natural talent to ever walk through Teiko's doors.
"I would like to go over again some of the rules and regulations we must all abide by while using the pool," continued Konishi. "First, and most important, no running in the-"
There was a crash as the double doors on the other end of the swimming pool flew open and a boy ran in. His arms pin wheeled as he skidded to a halt just before he went over the edge of the pool.
"Girls' swim club is currently in session," Konishi shouted to the boy as he glanced this way and that. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Ignoring her, the boy ran round the side of the pool towards them. Sakata looked like she was about to say something when the double doors directly behind them crashed open.
"Thought you could lose me in the cafeteria, did you, Tamagotchi?" called a chilling voice.
Of all the members of the swim club, Sakata was the only one not to gasp at the sight of delinquent she strode in, a piece of lettuce caught in her mess of hair.
"It was clever of you to distract Murasakibara with the frozen desserts section, I'll give you that," Tsukino said, whipping the piece of lettuce onto the floor as she advanced towards the boy, not unlike a cheetah with her careful, measured movements. With each step forward, the boy took one backwards. "But now it's time to pay the Pinocchio."
"Piper," muttered Sakata, vowing to buy Tsukino an actual book one day.
"Members of the girl's swim club only!" Konishi barked at the interlopers.
"Guess it's a good thing I signed up," Tsukino snapped back.
"Tsukino Kame is not a member of my swim club," scoffed Konishi. "I would know if Tsukino Kame was a member of my swim club…" Konishi caught Sakata's eye and instantly deflated. "Wouldn't I?"
"Although she has not yet signed the mandatory participation forms, Tsukino-san is a part of the mailing list, and would therefore be considered a member of the club," said Sakata.
"This is the talented new member you've been talking about, isn't it?" Konishi whispered, looking very unsure.
"I have never seen someone more suited to be in the water."
"Oh God. Tsukino Kame is in my swim club."
Just then, the same set of doors the boy had come through opened and Aomine Daiki slipped inside. The giant ketchup stain that was covering the majority of his shirt might have accounted for his grim expression as he planted himself imposingly at the other end of the pool. The boy stopped shuffling about, face screwed up thoughtfully as if he were trying to weigh up his options and retain influence over his bowels all at the same time.
"Looks like you don't have anywhere to go," said Tsukino, a manic grin splitting her face.
"Really? Her?" Konishi said weakly.
Sakata walked over to Tsukino, who took a break from staring down her prey in favour of acknowledging her newest best friend.
"Tsukino-san, while I am visibly euphoric," Sakata said expressionlessly, "that you have finally decided to attend one of the swim club meetings, your lack of proper attire and clearly violent motives are upsetting the captain. Please leave and return in your swimsuit, which I know fits you because I saw you trying it on in the girls' changing rooms when you thought no one was around."
"You know what you do constitutes stalking, right?" said Tsukino.
"Not legally. I checked."
"Of course you did," said Tsukino, sighing and rubbing her temple. "Look, if you let me finish my business, I promise I'll come to swim club tomorrow. I'll even bring those things you bought me-"
"Inflatable armbands. They're mostly used for infants."
"Yes, I'm aware," Tsukino said stiffly.
"Your terms are acceptable," said Sakata.
"You have my back right?"
"Naturally."
"You're the best," said Tsukino, smiling so big she looked like Pacman with teeth.
Tsukino walked over to the boy by the side of the pool. His eyes were the size of saucers behind his thick spectacles as they darted between herself and Aomine, who was carefully moving towards them.
"There's no escape. You're surrounded," said Tsukino, sounding very much like a Bond villain. "Aomine's impossible to get through. Trust me, I have the bald spot to prove it. And even if you got round me… Well, have you ever been tackled by a robot?"
As he stared at her, she realised that the hairs on the back of her neck were standing up. Not because there was anything threatening about him, quite the opposite. It wasn't easy to make Tsukino feel uncomfortable, but he was doing it.
"I have a good explanation for everything, I promise," he said. "I just can't give it to you right now, not until I'm finished."
"Lucky for you, Tammy, I don't need an explanation," Tsukino said, stepping forwards.
"Tayama Hitoshi," he said, smiling feebly at her. "And sorry… for this. I know it's the deep end."
It took a second for Tsukino to register what he meant, but by then it was too late. Her foot caught on something, maybe his leg. Someone shouted her name. Aomine. She was already falling. There was a splash and-
Sakata started running as soon as she saw Tsukino start to fall. Plucking a float from the stand, she dove into the water and swam towards the centre of the pool. The force of the push combined with the fact that Tsukino had never even learned to tread water meant that she sank on her back like a medicine ball. Underwater, Sakata could see the bubbles exploding from her friend's gaping mouth as she squirmed desperately to right herself. Sakata sped up. Hooking an arm around the drowning girl's waist, Sakata kicked off the pool floor and pushed them up to the surface where Tsukino spluttered madly for breath.
"She can't swim!" Sakata heard the captain shout incredulously as she positioned Tsukino's arms on the float. "She's in the swim club and she can't even swim!"
Swimming them to the edge of the pool, she felt Tsukino being pulled away from her.
"You're alright, Tsukino," she heard Aomine say as she pulled herself out of the pool and crawled over to them. "Tetsu always said that a little drowning would do you some good."
A choked laugh escaped amidst all the coughs.
Aomine sat Tsukino up, patting her back with one hand while the other squeezed her arm. He remembered that he hadn't been this careful with her when he pulled her out of the canal, running away almost as soon as he got her onto dry land.
It didn't take long for Tsukino to get back to herself.
"Where did that bastard go?" Tsukino demanded as Sakata draped a towel around her.
"Presumably he knew that I would shirk any attempt to capture him to rescue you. He must have escaped through the back doors," said Sakata.
"Is that your roundabout way of admitting that you love me?" Tsukino asked, beaming.
"Yes."
"Sweet."
"Idiot," Aomine snapped. "Who the hell stands at the edge of a swimming pool when they don't know how to swim?"
"You were much less concerned when you pushed me in the canal," Tsukino pointed out slyly.
"Yeah, well," he muttered, looking embarrassed. Were all women mind-readers? "You didn't go under that time."
Tsukino leaned in. Aomine froze. "Your act doesn't fool me, Aomine Daiki," she whispered. "Just because there are witnesses this time you're trying to play the hero, huh? You make me sick."
To which Aomine responded by biting her nose.
Tsukino was able to borrow a gym uniform from Sakata and went to change. Aomine sat outside on the floor and they conversed through an exchange of clipped insults and sharp retorts. Practice was almost over and he didn't see any point in returning empty-handed (there was no way Tsukino was going to come without putting up a fight).
"I'm going to get a bruise!" Tsukino called, inspecting her sore nose in the locker mirror.
"You deserved it!" Aomine shouted back, though he was not sure this was true.
"Do you think Midorima caught up with Tayama?" she asked, kicking her pile of wet clothes into the gym bag. At least her clothes were washed, thought Tsukino, unaware of the difference between chlorinated water and washing up liquid.
"Nah, he said he was going to the art room to get glue for his lucky item. Poor bastard looked like someone had died."
"I can't believe you, me, Murasakibara and Midorima couldn't catch up to him. How fast is this guy?"
The door opened and Tsukino came out wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of tracksuit bottoms that drowned her small form.
"I mean, I was exhausted from the punishment trials. But you're pretty fast," she conceded. "What's your excuse?"
"He wasn't faster than us," he said sharply, "he just knew his way around better."
"Of course," she said, snapping her fingers. "He would have to know all the hidden nooks and secret passageways if he wanted to fulfil his dream of becoming my stalker."
"No one dreams of becoming your stalker."
But Tsukino wasn't listening.
"Tayama Hitoshi's going to regret ever trying to stalk me," she said as they started walking down the corridor.
"Probably gonna regret a lot of things," said Aomine, pulling at his shirt and glaring at the dry ketchup stain. "You owe me a new shirt."
"Ketchup washes out," said Tsukino, waving him off. Idly, they turned and headed in the opposite direction of the first string gymnasium.
"How would you know? You never do laundry."
"If you can get blood out, you can get ketchup out."
There was a sharp thwack as Aomine smacked her upside the head. "Don't say such creepy things," he muttered. "Jheeze."
Clutching her sore head, Tsukino glared at Aomine. "How's your Horikita Mai magazine?" she asked darkly.
"In better condition than you're about to be," Aomine said without missing a beat.
"I'm going to murder your crayfish."
"I'd like to see you try."
"Don't worry, I'll make you watch."
They pushed open a pair of double doors and exited onto the quad. Eyes locked, sparks flying, they bickered all the way across the field. When they arrived at the shed they were still going at it.
"… with barbed wire and then when you can't cry anymore tears I'm going to feed them to you."
"How are you meant to tie me up with those skinny little arms?"
"Womanly fighting spirit."
"You're not a woman."
"Oh yeah?"
Tsukino grabbed the bottom of her t-shirt prepared to yank it up and bear all- or nothing, depending on how you looked at it- but Aomine merely placed a hand on her face and pushed her over without breaking stride.
"Moron."
Scrambling to her feet, Tsukino leapt onto his back with the litheness of a howler monkey and seized hold of his ears like they were the reigns of a horsey.
"Get off!" Aomine shouted as he tried to shake her off, but she had managed to knot her legs around his waist and all that running away from her brothers and climbing up trees meant that she had thighs of steel.
"Say I'm a woman!"
"Not in this lifetime, demon!"
Aomine reached up and clawed a fistful of her hair eliciting a guttural war cry. Tsukino, apparently desiring to test out the hypothesis that with enough willpower one could compress the several years it took to achieve ear stretching into a short few seconds, started pulling.
Ten minutes later, sore, bruised, and in Aomine's case, a little embarrassed, they lay panting on their backs in front of Teiko's gardening shed.
"You're a monster, not a woman."
When Tsukino didn't respond, he looked over and once again found himself being made uncomfortable by the expression on her face. She was glaring up at the sky, her lips pursed tightly. If it were anyone else, he might have been worried that she was upset. Tsukino didn't get upset though. People had been calling her a nuisance and a delinquent since before Aomine had even met her so what would it matter if he...
"Oi, Tsukino…"
But she had already gotten up, kicked open the door to the shed and disappeared inside. The sound of smashing and clattering quickly followed.
"Want some help?" he called awkwardly.
An expensive looking piece of equipment came rolling out of the doorway and stopped by his feet, the state of it suggesting it had been torn apart by wolves, which in this case wasn't much of a stretch. Tsukino poked her head around the door and Aomine saw, hanging from her fingers, a small fuel tank, the kind you could detach from a lawnmower. He gulped.
"No thanks," she said brightly, before disappearing again. "You two might want to leave. Accessory after the fact and all."
Pulling out his phone, Aomine quickly dialled Kuroko's number. A familiar ring tone sounded behind him. Sweat broke out on his brow as he turned slowly.
Kuroko pulled his phone out of his pocket and placed it to his ear, his expression unchanging. "Hello."
"Don't answer it, moron!" snapped Aomine.
"Sorry, I couldn't resist," said Kuroko.
"How long?"
"Long enough to know that your crayfish will never be safe again."
Author's Note:
This has been sitting at the editing stage for a while now. More action heavy, so hopefully the humour still comes through! Can anyone make any predictions about what Tayama is really up to? I left a few clues. Have to say I love writing interactions between Tsukino and Sakata.