A/N: Thanks everyone for all of your support. All of you keep me going. Appreciate the crap outta ya.
You were conceived next to a Tortoise Enclosure
The Model, the Match, and the Mild-Mannered Mascot
With only a few more weeks before they broke up, Teiko was crackling. Preparations for the Summer Festival were well underway with a steady output of colourful banners from each class. Those with performances congregated around the various gyms vying for practice space while class representatives and club captains fiercely debated the teaching staff for prime real estate in the quad. There was a tremendous sense of freedom pervading the school. Ties were left loose around necks, blazers discarded entirely, and laughter filled the courtyards as impromptu water fights broke out amongst the first years. Everyone was enjoying themselves.
Well… maybe not everyone.
It was baby blue. It was huge. It looked like what would happen if that hairy monster from the movie with the doors decided to make a go of it with Satan. And right now, it was dancing in the middle of the quad flanked by several students in hot pants and leg warmers.
You had to give her credit, thought Momoi, cringing as the giant fluffy demon wiggled its bum. She hadn't complained once.
The demon high kicked the air and fell on its back with a thud. Dancers swarmed around trying to offer their assistance but Momoi shot past them, smiling a little too sweetly as she batted them away. It was for their own safety. If the mask slipped off, they'd figure out who was debasing themselves for the sake of the basketball team. Who was to say what would happen after that? Momoi was too young to go to jail.
"You okay, Kame-chan?" she whispered into the tip of the horn.
"You're speaking into the horn again, aren't you?" came the muffled reply.
"Uh," said Momoi, letting go of the horn. "Nope, haha."
The demon tilted its head upwards and leered at her with its permanent felt-toothed grin. Momoi gulped and peered closer, just able to make out the shadow of Tsukino's face through the eyeholes.
"I almost got it that time," said Tsukino, allowing Momoi to heave her to her feet. This was quite the task considering how heavy the suit was. The manager wondered how Tsukino managed to move let alone cartwheel in that thing.
"Absolutely," said Momoi. "You've made a huge improvement since the first time. You could barely lift your arms in the beginning and now look at you. Really, I'm sure mascot suits shouldn't be this heavy."
"Yeah, well, better start from the top," Tsukino said, brushing off the Teiko basketball jersey, which had '00' emblazoned on the front. "Thanks, Momoi."
"No problem."
"Is Mascot-san alright to continue?" one of the dancers asked, maintaining a respectful distance.
The demon smacked its head twice and gave them a thumbs up.
Perched on the edge of a picnic bench, Momoi watched with tentative pride as her friend bounced and twirled and leapt and posed in perfect time with the other dancers.
The moment Tsukino Kame had donned the baby blue costume a countdown had begun.
It was making the first string very nervous, her unyielding cool in the face of such a humiliating situation. They were even beginning to pine for the old demon, the one who used to slip threatening notes into their lunch boxes and wait for them outside the school gates with a sling shot full of rabbit droppings. Midorima had explained that in the psychology community this was called Stockholm Syndrome. But that didn't stop the team from leaving small offerings in Tsukino's locker; embarrassing childhood photos, original, unmodified versions of their report cards, and letters from their doctor about certain personal conditions. Nakadan had even gone so far as to leave her a copy of the poem he had written for his first-year crush; the one with illustrations.
Yet every morning brought fresh disappointment as Tsukino collected all the prime blackmail material and dumped it into the trash.
It was really starting to seem like the reign of Teiko's most prolific delinquent had finally come to an end.
Still, there was that sense of a countdown.
One by one the dancers left bowing humbly to Mascot-san, who waved its large fluffy blue claws back at them. None of them suspected that it was Tsukino Kame in the demon suit, largely because she had not cut off their ponytails or threatened to murder their entire family yet. It helped that they all had the utmost respect for the mascot's privacy. Having observed Tsukino on several occasions helping the other girls up or patting their heads reassuringly after they'd gotten a move wrong, Momoi was beginning to think that the demon had grown fond of her little dance troupe in return.
In the changing rooms, Tsukino lifted off the head. Her face was flush and the sweat had matted her curls to her cheeks so that they looked like mutton chop sideburns. A particularly tart smell wafted out from the open suit like an old gym sock that had been fermenting in a toilet bowl and Momoi held her breath as Tsukino began to peel it off.
The manager, always helpful, tried to aid with this task but Tsukino jerked back.
"I've got it," said Tsukino, shooting her a strained grin.
"Yeah, okay," said Momoi, quirking an eyebrow. "So are you feeling nervous?"
Tsukino hopped out of the suit, shoved it quickly into her locker and slammed the door shut with a sigh of relief. "About what?"
"Only a few more weeks until you perform."
"Oh right. Well, you know me. I don't really get nervous."
"Unless Nijimura-senpai is around."
"Yeah well-"
"Or Aomine-kun is chasing you."
"That's not nerves that's fear-"
"Or Sakata-san threatens to publish pictures of you in the pool with the inflatable donut."
"Ah, so the witch betrayed me."
"Kame-chan looks so cute in her frilly little swimsuit!" squealed Momoi.
"I really do."
Discarding the rest of her clothes Tsukino headed to the shower. Spending so much time in the mascot suit meant that she could no longer get away with just her weekly shower. It was now bi-weekly.
"So, you're definitely not planning anything?" Momoi called to her. She was beginning to seriously consider Kira's theory that Akashi had replaced Tsukino with a robot servant. "No pranks at all?"
"Nope," Tsukino shouted above the whir of the water. "Akashi-san wouldn't be happy if I ruined the festival."
"Yeah but it was Nijimura-san's idea right. It would really embarrass him if something were to go wrong," Momoi said encouragingly. She couldn't believe what she was saying. Was this that Stockholm Syndrome Midorima kept going on about? "His girlfriend is the captain of the dance club you know."
"Yeah, I met Ito the other week. She told me if I messed up her dance routine she would superglue me inside the mascot suit and make me dance until I passed out from the fumes."
"Oh yeah, Ito-san is supposed to be a total badass," said Momoi, stars in her eyes. "I heard on their first date Nijimura-san tried to order for her so Ito-san stood up got her own table and ignored him for the rest of the evening. And then she paid for both of them."
"Zii-nii told me that when the principal tried to cut the funding for the dance club to give it to the basketball team she held a protest outside his office. And she forced the basketball team to protest with her."
"So amazing! You can see why Nijimura likes her so much." Momoi recalled the night before when Aomine had forced her stay up tutoring him because he'd forgotten about his world history test and added, "I wish I could stand up for myself like that."
Tsukino emerged from the shower in her school uniform, rubbing her hair with a towel. "You're going to be Aomine's bitch forever," she said.
Momoi's cheeks blew up to twice their size but she said nothing. Perhaps because she had long since accepted her fate. Once Tsukino had finished drying herself off, the two girls headed to their respective homerooms.
"Hey, Kame-chan," said Momoi, tilting her head to the side thoughtfully. "Have you ever liked anyone?"
"Aomine."
Momoi shook her head. "I'm serious."
"So am I. Aomine and I are meant to be. Like Romeo and Jill."
"Juliet, Kame-chan. Romeo and Juliet."
"That's what I said, Romeo and Jilliet."
"You know they kill themselves at the end of the play?"
"What's your point?"
"Never mind," said Momoi, sighing.
"Does Momoi have someone in mind?" asked Tsukino, watching the manager out of the corner of her eye. "Is that why you're asking me if I like anyone?"
"Acchan and Micchan were talking about it earlier," she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "They said it was weird that I've never liked anybody. But I don't know. None of the boys that confess to me interest me. They're all so similar. Like one of those paper chain things. Do you think I'm weird, Kame-chan?"
"Nope."
"Even if I never like anyone?"
"Nope."
Giggling, Momoi hooked her arm around Tsukino's. "You know, I'm really glad you attacked those disciplinary committee members."
"Masochist."
Saburo's bento was a masterpiece as usual and Aomine found himself questioning how Tsukino could be related to such a culinary angel. Four tiers of delicately arranged succulence called to him like a siren song. Aomine reached for it, eyes wide with greed, but Tsukino smacked his hand away.
"Tsukino!"
Tsukino chucked another bento in front of Aomine, one with only two tiers. "That's your one."
Aomine's brow wrinkled as he looked at his much smaller bento, then at Tsukino's, then back at his. His face darkened. "Tsukino… don't tell me you're saving that for Akashi."
"Nope," said Tsukino, beginning to unpack the tiers. "This is all for me."
"Oh right," Aomine said brightly. "When did you start eating so much?"
"It's weird actually. I've just been really hungry lately," Tsukino said thoughtfully. Then she clapped her hand to her mouth. "Aomine-kun, you're going to be a father- GAK."
Aomine released her from the headlock and she fell back down on the desk with a smack.
"You're not human," Tsukino said, rubbing her throat. Had he gotten even faster?
"Don't want to hear that from you, Demon of the First-String," said Aomine. "By the way, Satsuki told me you're still having trouble doing high kicks in the suit. What's up? You should have been able to do that from the beginning."
"I'd like to see you do a high kick in that suit," Tsukino muttered under her breath.
"Alright," he said, stuffing his mouth full of noodles so he looked like a very angry chipmunk. "Leshgo."
Tsukino's face fell. "Uh… you know what that's okay, I believe you."
"Huh?" It wasn't like Tsukino to back down from a challenge.
"I'm sure you can cartwheel in the suit." Was she sweating? Aomine thought, peering closer. "In fact, I bet you can breakdance in it. Yeah, definitely. Hey! Did you hear Horikita Mai broke up with her boyfriend!"
"No way!" exclaimed Aomine, yanking out his phone and tapping away furiously. "When?"
"Uh… this morning?"
"Why the hell did you wait this long to tell me?"
"Uh…" Tsukino tried desperately to think of an excuse. Of course, she had made it up, but at least for now he wasn't thinking about the mascot suit.
"Doesn't make any sense," Aomine muttered to himself. "I should have been notified about it. And I can't find anything here about a break up."
Tsukino watched as he scrolled through all the news stories with one hand and ate with the other. Minutes passed and Aomine still had not looked up from his phone. Tsukino scowled.
"So what, do you think you have a chance with her now?" she scoffed.
"As much of a chance as you have with Takeshi Kaneshiro," he muttered, eyes glued to the screen.
"In Horikita Mai's last interview she said she didn't like younger men."
Aomine winced. "Takeshi Kaneshiro is planning to retire soon."
"That story was proven to be false," Tsukino said smugly. Then, "Wait a minute, the only reason I heard about the retirement thing was because I signed up to his news alerts."
Aomine looked up from his phone and stared at Tsukino blankly. "Satsuki told me."
"Liar."
"Shut up."
Finishing off his lunch, Aomine got ready to go bother Midorima about the upcoming test. Tsukino had also not revised but she reasoned that being the bottom of the year was a crucial position in the intellectual hierarchy and she could not simply abdicate her throne on a whim. Who would act as a shining beacon of hope for all those slackers and anxiety ridden overachievers, who would show them that no matter how badly they did, Tsukino could always do worse? Getting such low marks (minus marks in some cases for disturbingly graphic stick figures) was a burden she had to bear. For the children.
"You know you're full of shit."
"Yes."
As he was leaving, Aomine reminded her for the fifth time that day to make sure she was on time for the Kaijou match tomorrow. And of course, his method of reminding involved threatening to hang Tsukino up from the basketball hoop by her underwear. It was an effective method.
"Ah Zinan-senpai is so cool. I am so ready to see the Tsukino brothers in action," said Aomine.
"Well get ready to be disappointed."
Aomine's hands were clamped around Tsukino's collar in a second. "If you've messed this up for me, I swear I'll-"
"Injured! Ichi-nii is injured," squeaked Tsukino.
"Did you injure him?"
"In a basketball match. He injured it in a basketball match. Ask anyone!"
"Did you pay someone to injure him?"
"No! I mean that's a great idea though… and actually if I had more money-"
"Tsukino!"
"I didn't have anything to do with it. It was just a happy accident."
"Happy accident," repeated Aomine, shaking his head. "At least I'll get to meet him."
"Nope. Ichi-nii is staying at home. One of them always stays at home if everyone else is out of the house."
Aomine could see where this was going.
"They're afraid I'll do something to their stuff."
"Even your own family is afraid of you."
"Wary. My own family is wary of me."
Left alone at last, the Demon of the First-String polished off the last of her lunch, belched loudly, and lay down on her desk to sleep.
Whispers and giggles filled the air. Tsukino tried to shut them out but the noises only got louder.
"Tsukino-san?"
She cracked one eye open and stared up at the tall blonde boy standing next to her desk. He shot her a beatific smile. Beatific because this was how Zinan described his own smile. It is worth pointing out that Tsukino thought beatific meant shit ugly.
"Could I have a word with you, Tsukino-san?" asked the blonde boy, raising a hand to wave at his admirers as they crowded around the classroom entrance.
Tsukino propped her head up on her hand and stared at him, her brow crinkled together in deep thought. And then it came to her.
"You're Kise Ryouta," she said.
He laughed a glittery laugh and she was reminded again of Zinan. She gave him a hard look.
"I see you're a fan," he said.
"You featured as this year's heartthrob hopeful on one of the blogs I follow for news about Takeshi Kaneshiro," said Tsukino. Kise beamed at her. "I downvoted you."
"Ahahah," Kise chuckled nervously, searching her face for any sign of kidding. There was none. "Well I guess I'm still a long way from being the famous Takeshi Kaneshiro."
Tsukino nodded very seriously.
"What a bad attitude."
"Huh?"
Kise coughed and waved it off with a bright smile. "Haha, I didn't say anything. So Tsukino-san, do you mind if we chatted for a while?"
"Hm," said Tsukino. Her stomach rumbled. Looked like Saburo's bento hadn't been enough to sate the hunger. An idea occurred to her. "Well… I was just about to go to the cafeteria but shucks I forgot my wallet."
"What a coincidence, I was just heading to the cafeteria! Why don't you let me treat you to lunch?"
These were words that Kise would regret for the rest of his life.
Tsukino shot up from her seat. "I'm not going to upvote you."
Kise had to fight to keep the smile from slipping. "Of course not. I just thought as classmates and fellow members of the basketball club we should get to know each other and what better way to do that than to share a meal."
"Oh right, you're the blonde model that Arai was talking about," said Tsukino, eyes fixed warily on her yellow haired companion as they walked out of the classroom. Kise's fans parted like the red sea.
"That's right," Kise said brightly, pointing to his face as he hurried to keep pace. For someone so short she could sure walk fast. "So take care of me from now on please, Tsukino-san."
"I refuse."
Kise blinked. "Eh."
"I'm still a minor. Sexual relations are out of the question."
Gasps erupted from either side of them. One boy fell to his knees in despair.
"Eh!" exclaimed Kise, horrified. "That's not what I meant!"
"Please, Cassava-"
"You just said my name a second ago!"
"-Better men than you have tried," she said, nodding her head sagely. "Sadly, my heart belongs to another."
Here was more familiar ground. Running a hand through his hair, Kise forced the smile back onto his face. "Ah, of course I know you're Aomine-san's girlfriend. Which is why I would never have made a pass at you. Out of respect for your relationship."
Kise was busy trying to rid his head of the disturbing image of men clawing affectionately at Tsukino's feet only to be kicked away. So he missed the way Tsukino's eyes widened when he mentioned Aomine.
"How did you know," she asked carefully, "that I was Aomine…kun's girlfriend?"
Running his hand through his hair for the umpteenth time, Kise explained how he had sought out information about Aomine Daiki, a player he admired for his inimitable style, and in the process discovered he was dating the infamous delinquent Tsukino Kame. Naturally this had come as a shock to him, not a shock shock of course, only, he meant to say that the pairing had initially come across as unusual, not because Tsukino-san was unusual, of course not, unique was definitely a better word to describe her and having gotten to know Tsukino in the last… three minutes, he realised that she and Aomine were clearly destined to be together.
"So, that's the story. Sounds a bit crazy huh? But I really do want to know more about Aomine-san so that I can make a good first impression," Kise said, laughing with an affected air. Once more he ran a hand through his hair.
When he looked at Tsukino he was pleased to see that she had been listening intently and did not seem offended.
Takeshi Kaneshiro would never run his hand through his hair so much, thought Tsukino, who had watched enough hours of footage to back up the claim. But Zinan would. Would Zinan go so far as to wear a hyper-realistic mask of a known model who attended Teiko just to infiltrate Tsukino's inner circle, gain her trust, and then destroy her. Tsukino wouldn't put it passed him. He still held a grudge over that time she was born.
It did not occur to her that Kise was simply running his hand through his hair to endear himself to her. Then again few people had ever tried to endear themselves to Tsukino. Number Five was the only one and his method consisted mainly of peeing into her open mouth while she changed his diaper.
"Tsukino-san?"
"Yes, as Aomine-kun's girlfriend I have much wisdom to offer you, Zii-nii… I mean Kise," Tsukino said slowly, watching his eyes to see if there had been a flash of recognition. "But not here."
Bewildered, Kise asked, "Why not?"
"Too many interpreters."
"Um, do you mean… interlopers-"
"What's that? Anyway, meet me tomorrow outside the Tokyo Plaza at twelve."
"I was really just hoping to have a chat-"
Tsukino drew near to him and Kise resisted the urge to leap back. The boy who had just gotten back to his feet with the help of his classmates collapsed once more.
"You want to get to know Aomine-kun right, my boyfriend?" asked Tsukino, fixing him with her dead fish eyes. They were like pools of tar sucking him in.
"Y-yeah."
"Well then you should know that he takes my -his girlfriend's- opinion very seriously. So, see you at twelve?"
An instinctual fear told him that the small packaging was just a clever smokescreen designed to lull him into a false sense of security. Anyone who went to Teiko had heard the stories of the delinquent menace who stalked the hallways armed with paint grenades and permanent markers. Less active as of late but then so was anthrax. Still, Aomine Daiki was the first person to make Kise feel like the world was limitless.
"Sure!" Kise exclaimed brightly. "That sounds great."
It was not great.
So far, the manipulative little garden gnome had wrangled five thousand yen out of him on food alone. Not to mention the additional purchases at the craft store. How was she doing this?
"…and never ever let him anywhere near a sports shop if you want to keep his attention," Tsukino said as they rode the escalator of the very expensive department store. "But he's even worse in the arcade by the pier with the hoop game. He spends hours winning as many tokens as he can just to buy up all the crayfish memorabilia. Are you writing this down?"
"Why would I need to write this down?" Kise asked as he trudged behind her, weighed down by shopping bags. "How am I supposed to write this all down?" He raised hung with three bags full of popsicle sticks, presumably bought for some nefarious purpose.
"Don't blame me if you make a fool of yourself the first time you meet Aomine…kun." He sighed in defeat. "There's a notepad and pen in the Craft Craft Craft bag," she added helpfully.
"Thanks."
They came to a stop in front of the makeup stands. One of the makeup artists waved at Kise, who instantly brightened up and waved back. Her name was Goto Natsumi and her face stood as a true testament to the skills of makeup technicians everywhere; smoky eyes blended to perfection, contours stroked on as if by Pythagoras himself, and lips a deep shade of plum red that would have had roses wilting out of shame.
Kise had known Goto since around the time he'd gotten scouted, back when his sister was still ferrying him from audition to audition waiting for his break out moment. Goto had been at one of the venues helping her aunty do the makeup for the models and upon seeing Kise grabbed hold of his face and began cooing over his bone structure. And then she smacked him over the head and berated him for not having a proper skin care routine (because good god look at those pores), and they'd been friends ever since.
"Ryou-chan!"
Goto bounced over and threw her arms around Kise's neck swinging him about like a rag doll, which was impressive when you considered that she had to stand on her tiptoes to reach him.
"Natsumicchi," spluttered Kise, clawing at the thick trunk-like arms cutting off his circulations. Goto was a big girl and also very strong and Kise folded like a piece of paper. "You're going to kill me."
"Oops!" she said with a giggle, freeing him. "I always forget how small you are."
"I'm not small!" shouted Kise, yanking his sleeve up. "Look at these muscles, Natsumicchi. Eh, eh! Muscles!"
"Tsk, tsk," she said, shaking her head. "So petulant Ryou-chan. Young middle schoolers really have too much fire in their hearts."
"I'm only a year younger than you! You're a middle schooler!"
"And what a vast difference that year makes," said Goto, placing the back of her hand on her forehead and swooning. Kise dropped his bags to catch her but she spun out of his reach. "With so many fragile male egos, what kind of romantic prospects are there for intellectuals like me?"
"Guess you'll just have to die alone, Natsumicchi," he said darkly.
"Hmm… Dying alone… is the new black," said Goto, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "I should put that on a t-shirt."
"Last week the new black was binge-watching Netflix and eating instant noodles," Kise muttered, shooting her an annoyed look as he picked up the bags. She returned it with a glorious smile. "Anyway," he continued, looking away. "I need to buy some concealer. I keep getting break outs in my T-zone which is weird because-"
"Oooh who is this?" asked Goto, swerving on Tsukino, who had been standing there watching the entire spectacle with wide-eyed wonder. "I'm Goto Natsumi. Nice to meet you."
"Natsumicchi! Don't ignore me!"
Tsukino opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. A pink blush spread over her cheeks and she clamped her mouth shut again.
"Ryou-chan," said Goto, bending over to smile at Tsukino who was a head shorter than she was, "your cute friend won't talk to me."
"Can you blame Tsukino-san? With that much bronzer, Natsumicchi looks like an overbaked potato," said Kise, smirking to himself in a self-congratulatory way. "Clowns would be terrified of you."
"Only the most fragile of male egos would go after a woman's artistic self-expression. You disappoint me, Ryou-chan."
Tsukino nodded in agreement.
"Don't be like that, Natsumichii. I'm only trying to help," said Kise, adopting the tone of a wise old man who didn't believe in climate change. "I mean of course your makeup skills are amazing, but there's always room for improvement."
"Choose your next words carefully, Ryou-chan."
"Well have you ever thought about a more natural look? You know men don't like girls who lay it on too thick. I can give you some tips if you want."
"So back to you, Tsukino-san," said Goto, leaning down again and fluttering her thick eyelashes coquettishly at Tsukino. "I come in peace."
Off to the side, Kise was still talking to himself. "…some of the girls I work with use…"
"I'm not afraid of you," said Tsukino, her blush deepening.
"Great," said Goto, grinning wider.
"…too much will make your skin age. Body positivity is great and everything but you have to keep in mind…"
"I'm Tsukino Kame."
"Nice to meet you, Tsukino Kame."
"… honestly, I'm shocked you didn't come to me before…"
"Your makeup…" said Tsukino.
"Mhmm."
"Can you teach me how to do makeup like that?"
"OI! Have you both just been ignoring me this whole time?" shouted Kise.
"I warn you, I charge a very expensive fee," said Goto, grabbing Tsukino by the shoulder and bouncing her quite without resistance over to her mother's makeup stand. "But I promise I'm worth it."
"Kise will pay for it," said Tsukino, sitting down on the stool and watching reverently as Goto began plucking different bottles and tubes out of miniature drawers.
"I'll pay for what?"
"So," said Goto, holding up a bottle to Tsukino's face, "you have an olive complexion. Let's start you with the J5X for concealer. I think your skin is still a little too young for foundation. Oooh, if Kise is paying then we can use the deluxe range."
"Ooh, deluxe range."
"Hey, what happened to Ryou-chan?" demanded Kise.
"Ryou-chan decided he was going to wear a particularly ugly shade of Mansplaining Misogyny today and lecture me about a skill I've been honing since before he even knew what toner was," said Goto, throwing another glorious smile over her shoulder. Kise opened his mouth to argue but could not. "So Kise can go sit in the corner and think about his actions."
So while Tsukino was taught all about the wonderful ways of makeup, Kise sat in the corner and thought about his actions.
Kise and Tsukino walked to the train station in silence, broken only by the occasional long drawn out sigh from Kise. Tsukino was too busy trying to catch glimpses of her reflection in passing windows to care that Kise had not said a word since Goto had banished him to a stool in the homeware department. When it came to the bill he had simply offered up his wallet and all its contents before returning to his stool to sulk. There was a brief glimmer of hope in his eyes as they left and Goto came bouncing after them, but she had only forgotten to give Tsukino her loyalty card and left without so much as a glance in his direction. Of course, Tsukino noticed none of this as she had been admiring her blurry face in the side of a shiny bin.
Reaching the turnstiles in a state of mutual inattention, the pair was almost bulldozed over by the four o'clock rush.
"Ugh, this is so stupid! I shouldn't care what Natsumicchi thinks!" Kise groaned loudly. "It's not my fault if she can't take friendly advice. Right?! Right?!"
Tsukino looked at Kise. There was an odd expression on his face as he glared up at the ceiling, one that she was familiar with. It made her uncomfortable and she looked away.
"I didn't… I didn't even mean it. Natsumicchi's makeup skills are the best I've ever seen," he muttered. "Why the hell did I even say that?"
"Mama Tsukino told me that I say things that I don't mean because I don't want people to know what I really think," said Tsukino.
"Ah..."
"See…. I used to have this friend who I made fun of all the time," Tsukino continued, staring at her feet. "I'd call her short, and slow, and fat because it used to make me feel better that she was worse at basketball than I was. Then she had a growth spurt. Suddenly she wasn't short, or slow, or fat anymore and she could play basketball better than anyone I'd ever seen. I kept trying to put her down though. Like… worse than before. I thought maybe if I made her believe she was pathetic she would stick around."
When Tsukino looked up Kise was staring at her with a different expression, one she was not familiar with. It too made her uncomfortable and she looked away.
"All I'm trying to say is that it's not what you say that hurts them," said Tsukino, shrugging her shoulders and heading towards the turnstiles. "It's the fact that you're trying to hurt them in the first place."
Before she could touch her pass down, she felt a tap on her shoulder. There was a smirk on Kise's face as he handed over her many bags and she was reminded again of Zinan. For once it didn't make her stomach turn.
"You know, I'm no Natsumicchi but if you ever want help picking clothes or makeup, you can always come to me. I had no idea you were interested in fashion," he said, winking as they passed through the barriers together. "I have a lot of friends in the industry so I can get you a good price." Kise said the industry like it was an exclusive club made for people who pooped bars of gold.
"I need new bras," said Tsukino, looking down at her breasts. "Padded bras. Really padded bras."
"Give me your email," said Kise, pulling out his phone. "I'm going to spam you with body positivity posts."
"Eh? What's body positivity?" asked Tsukino.
"Actually, I'm just going to give you Natsumicchi's number… she's better at this stuff than I am," he admitted, a small smile on his face. Taking Tsukino's phone he inputted Goto's contact details as well as his mobile, email, pager, and home phone number, assigned himself a personal ring tone and finished off with a candid contact picture selfie of him holding up the peace sign and pouting. "There. Now Tsukinocchi will always know when I'm calling."
Tsukino stared at his contact picture. "I'm not interested in booty calls."
"I didn't mean it like that, you pervert!"
"Just making sure," Tsukino said with an awkward grin. "I'm still working on the whole saying things I don't mean thing."
Kise extended a hand. "Let's work on it together."
Taking his hand, Tsukino blew a long, wet raspberry.
"Let's work… really, really hard."
The train arrived and Tsukino paused before getting on.
"You should apologise to Goto-sensei. She'll probably forgive you because you're rich and have contacts in the industry. Plus… she's nice."
Kise laughed and shook his head. "Probably," he said. "And I bet she'll probably forgive you too. Your friend."
The crowd began to move forcing Tsukino onto the train before she could reply.
Unfortunately, Oshiro wasn't the forgiving type. And after everything that had happened, Tsukino knew that a simple sorry from either of them wasn't going to fix things.
The train started to move leaving Kise behind. Shoulder pressed up against the window she waved at him and wondered if she had made another new friend and felt grateful at the thought. He waved back, pulled out his phone and pointed meaningfully at it. When she checked her own she saw that she had received about fifteen messages from Aomine asking why she was late and one from Kise.
You owe me 30,000 yen, freeloader.
Yeah, so? She owed Kuroko double that.
Aomine was not a happy bunny. Aomine was the kind of bunny that frothed at the mouth as you tearfully went to fetch the shotgun from father's shed. Pacing the entrance to the stadium, he watched enviously as fans laughed and chatted happily around him. They had not suffered the betrayal of a late companion. They had not been left without tickets and could go in and out as they pleased. They had not been standing in the cold for an hour watching as their fingertips turned the same colour as their hair. A large fountain sat in the middle of the square and Aomine stared at it wondering how deep it was and how long you could hold someone else's head under water before it could be considered attempted murder.
It was another ten minutes before a much smaller than average figure appeared on the other side of the square. Aomine was about to run over and drag it by the curls but something made him freeze. There was a permanent look of uncomprehending on his face as Tsukino arrived in front of him, her arms laden with plastic bags.
"I bought you Teriyaki burgers. If you hit me I'll throw them in the fountain and then I'll eat the tickets. Also I hid the tickets in my underwear," said Tsukino. Her eyes narrowed as the odd expression on Aomine's face persisted. "What's up with your face?"
"You're wearing makeup."
"Yeah so," she said, waltzing passed him with an unaffected air. "It's my artistic expression."
Tsukino flinched as Aomine burst out laughing but she squared her shoulders and kept walking.
"It looks weird," he said once he'd calmed down, reaching a hand towards the bag with the burgers. "Doesn't suit you."
"Yeah, well, I like it," she muttered, handing the tickets over to the inspector. Having seen where they had come from the inspector waved them inside quickly.
"So what, now you wear makeup? What's next? Gonna start buying lacy underwear like Satsuki and drawing love hearts on your homework book."
"Why do you care?" Tsukino demanded, shoving inelegantly passed other spectators in search of their seats.
"Next you're gonna grow out your hair and pretend you're a real girl."
"Right."
"Wait! Is this why you were so late? Because you were playing dress up," said Aomine, reaching for another burger. "The hell, Tsukino! I was waiting for an hour!"
"The match hasn't even started yet."
"We've missed all of the pre-game stuff!"
"Who cares!"
Aomine fell silent. Tsukino was making that same face that always made him uneasy, the one she'd made after they'd fought outside of Tayama's gardening shed.
"Tsukino," he started to say, but they had reached their seats and he found himself unable to speak in the face of the redhaired giants that stood up to let them pass.
"Kame," greeted a stern looking man with a shock of bright red hair and thin eyes that made Tsukino's parentage unquestionable. He turned to Aomine and shook his hand. "And you must be Kame's boyfriend."
"He's not my boyfriend," she snapped, shoving past her mother and planting herself in the empty seat furthest away.
"Ah…uh we're classmates," Aomine explained, his mouth dry. "I'm Aomine Daiki. Nice to meet you."
"Tsukino Gekkou. Nice to meet you too." Tsukino's father glanced from Aomine to Tsukino who looked like she had just been told she could not throw rabbit droppings off the roof of the senior centre where Old Lady Sumitimo went on Fridays. "Kame, there better not be any fireworks in those bags."
"It's food," said Tsukino, sinking deeper into her chair.
"You better not be planning to throw any of that food at Zinan."
"What if he looks hungry?"
"Kame!"
"I was joking," she said mirthlessly.
"You must be Saburo," said Aomine, shaking hands with the young man who was almost Akashi's height. "Thanks for all the lunches, man."
"It's no problem," Saburo said in a soft voice. "I enjoy making them."
It was harder to see a resemblance between Tsukino and her brother. Other than the curls they had completely different faces. While Tsukino had a tan complexion and sharp features, Saburo was as white as a sheet with large droopy eyes and a small, pillowy mouth. The word delicate came to mind.
"Well, Aomine-kun, you better take a seat down there by my wife, Beniko. The match is about to start," said Gekkou.
As Aomine sat down between Tsukino and her mother it became clear who Saburo got his looks from. Beniko like the rest of the family was very tall, very sturdy and had very red hair. Unlike the rest of her family however she wore her curls to her ankles, smelled like freshly baked cookies, and reminded Aomine of a naïve young mermaid who cannot be mentioned here for copyright reasons. There was also a redhaired baby on her lap gurgling and reaching over Aomine to grab at Tsukino. Number Five, thought Aomine, wondering if he'd ever learn his real name.
"Aomine-kun, wasn't it?" greeted Beniko, beaming at Aomine with the sort of smile that made him think of sunshine and angels. "What a handsome young man my Kame-chan has brought home."
"He's not my boyfriend," snapped her daughter.
"I know, I know," said Beniko, shifting the baby, who seemed determined to reach his older sister onto her other shoulder. "But you hardly ever bring friends to meet the family. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I saw Tetsu-chan."
"That disloyal worm is dead to me."
"Tetsu-chan is dead to Kame-chan at least twice a year," Beniko said to Aomine. "Last time it was because Tetsu-chan failed to perform lookout duty correctly and she got caught stealing her eldest brother's por-"
"Mama!"
"Sorry, sorry, I always forget how sensitive you are about your plotting. So how did you and Kame-chan get to become so close?"
"Ah," said Aomine, glancing at Tsukino's gloomy expression. "We just… get along."
Beniko gave Aomine a long, thoughtful look. "Well, I have to say Kame-chan always has excellent taste in friends so I look forward to getting to know you."
And then Beniko popped out one of her breasts and shoved it into the mouth of the infant whining in her arms. Luckily Aomine had several aunties who openly breast fed around him and as such did not break out in a pitiful whimper and excuse himself to go hide in the nearest toilet cubicle like Saburo. The game started and Aomine was up in his seat leaning over the railing to watch as Kaijou immediately dominated the court. He was not, he assured himself, sneaking glances behind him at the sullen hobgoblin playing Tetris on her phone.
The first quarter came to an end and Aomine sat back down. By now Beniko had finished breast feeding and Tsukino's father had managed to drag Saburo back to his seat. They were currently engaged in a colourful discussion about how the young man was going to have to get over his fear of breasts soon because their cousins were coming over to stay and the house couldn't afford to have one of the bathrooms put out of commission. It was either that or he would have to go and hide in the garden shed filled with spiders, which he was also terrified of because his older siblings had thought it would be funny to dress up like giant spiders and chase him around the park.
"Looks like Kaijou's gonna win," Aomine told Tsukino, fishing out his fourth burger from the carrier bag. "Zinan-senpai scored-"
She grunted.
"Oh and they got a first year, Kasamatsu Yukio filling in for Ichiro-senpai as point-guard," continued Aomine. "For such a young guy he's really holding his own. Gawako's line-up is totally made up of third years so I was surprised Kaijou put him in there."
"Huh."
"I don't know if I'd have the stamina to go up against them. It's hard enough with us second years competing in practice matches against third years in middle school. Who knows what it'll be like when we get to high school."
"Who knows."
"Ah man, it gets me all fired up just thinking about it."
"Hmm."
Had he done something wrong? Aomine wondered to himself as he absentmindedly swallowed a seventh burger without tasting it.
There was a tap on his shoulder and Aomine turned to Beniko, who quickly placed a finger to her lips. Pointing to her phone she showed him the screen.
Is Kame-chan upset with you?
Aomine shrugged his shoulders.
Did you insult Takeshi Kaneshiro or say something about her being a boy?
Aomine froze. Then he grabbed his own phone and began typing furiously.
I joked about her wearing makeup.
Beniko nodded. When she was finished typing the match was getting ready to start up again but Aomine was too absorbed with reading the message to notice, his expression growing more troubled as time went on. When he finally passed the phone back to Beniko there was stiffness in his movements.
"Ah, sorry, I need some air," he said, standing suddenly.
Tsukino looked up from her phone but made no move to follow him.
"You should go and see if he's okay," said Beniko, yanking Number Five back as he leapt towards Tsukino.
"I'm alright, thanks."
From behind Beniko's shoulder, the portentous head of her father loomed forwards and fixed Tsukino with a thunderous glare. "You should go and see if he's okay."
"Tch, Papa Tsukino," Beniko chided sweetly, "I'm sure Kame-chan can make her own decisions. It's the only way she'll develop any independence."
"She's going to independently do what we say," said Gekkou, reaching into his coat and pulling out a familiar DVD case. "Or the pretty boy gets it."
Tsukino was off like a shot.
Where had this basketball idiot gone to? Tsukino thought as she searched frantically for the blue-haired giraffe. Completing her third circuit around the building, Tsukino decided to give in and accept her punishment. If she was clever about it she was sure she could negotiate the release of her DVDs if she offered to babysit Number Five while Mama Tsukino and Papa Tsukino had date night and probably, because they liked having to ration food like they were in communist Russia, conceive Number Six.
Just as she was about to slink back into the stands something hooked around her neck and dragged her out into the square.
"The hell, Aomine?" said Tsukino, kicking at his shins and punching his thighs with no effect.
Depositing Tsukino beside the fountain Aomine stepped back, kicked off his shoes and held up his hands in surrender.
"First hear what I have to say," said Aomine. "Those are my limited-edition Bounce Grade Jordans. If you don't like what you hear you can toss them in the fountain. Promise."
"How about I toss them in the fountain now and then leg it to your house for your pet cicadas," she hissed, holding the shoes over the water. "Except I'll toss them in a vat of boiling oil."
From his rucksack Aomine pulled out a pretty pink shopping bag that Tsukino recognised from one of the boutiques down the road and placed it on the side of the fountain. Eyeing him suspiciously she put the shoes down and looked inside the bag.
"I had to call Satsuki and ask her which ones were good. I mean you might already have one but apparently you can never have too many. But Satsuki says that about everything," Aomine said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Look, I'm really sorry about how I always say you're not a girl and stuff. I don't mean it. I mean what do I know about being a girl anyway."
Unfurling the reams of tissue paper, Tsukino lifted out the blue makeup bag and unzipped it. Inside there were two smaller matching makeup bags and some lipsticks which were all varying shades of red. She imagined him grabbing a fist full while the shop assistant looked on in impotent horror.
"Satsuki also said it was impolite to give someone a bag without something inside it. Lipstick was the only one I knew. Ah, say something, Tsukino. You're making this weird."
"You missed most of the match," she said, putting her gift back in its shopping bag. "Like it's gonna end in five minutes."
"Yeah. Well, you wanna go eat something? I saw a burger place down the road. It's on me."
"You just ate like ten burgers."
"So?"
"You sure you don't wanna wait behind and talk to the team? I bet Zi-nii could probably introduce you to the coach; you know, if you were thinking about going to Kaijou. I mean you did come all this way to see him."
"Nah, it's alright," Aomine said with a big grin. "Plus, I know where you live. I can come over and talk to Zinan-senpai anytime I want."
"Zinan-senpai, Zinan-senpai, Zinan-senpai. Honestly, don't you have any shame? You sound like a faithful lapdog."
"Hey, I don't want to hear that from Miss. Akashi-san-make-sure-you-stretch-properly-or-you'll-injure-your-perfectly-sculpted-legs," he said in a rather accurate falsetto.
"I think that statement says a lot more about the way you see Akashi-san than it does about me," said Tsukino. Her eyes widened. "Are you in love with Akashi-san? Are you leaving me for him? And after all that planning we did for our wedding. Think about the baby!"
Wringing his hair Aomine jabbed his finger at her. "How many times do I have to tell you we are not getting married!"
People who had been milling about stopped to stare at the couple airing their dirty laundry, especially when on the outside of things it looked like a much taller, older teenage boy accosting a much smaller younger girl who was on the verge of tears.
"How could you do this to me? How could you do this to little Kaiki!"
"The BLEEP is Kaiki!"
And now they were talking about babies and marriage. What kind of a terrible human being was this man? One particularly concerned citizen went to fetch security.
"Look what you've done," Aomine hissed as the security guard blustered towards them.
"Hey, Aomine, how fast do you think you can run without shoes on?"
Aomine stared at the small girl. "Don't-"
But it was too late. Tsukino picked up his shoes and ran in the opposite direction.
Apparently, the answer was still very fast.
"I don't get it!" shouted Kise, pointing at Kuroko who was stretching behind him. "Why is he a regular?"
"Hey don't point," said Aomine, scratching his underarm. "It's rude."
"If me and him played against each other, who would win, huh?"
"Well… you."
"Then why the hell-"
"You're not getting it," Aomine said, grinning knowingly at the newest member of the first string. "He's different from you and me. And he's totally reliable in a game. You'll see how amazing he is soon enough."
Kise did not look convinced.
"Kuroko, Kise," said Midorima, walking over to them. "Orders from the coach. You'll be joining the second-string for their practice game tomorrow."
"Second string. How come?" asked Kise.
"For insurance," explained Midorima with a grave expression. "It's common here for first string players to help out in second and third string games. Remember, the most important thing in Teiko is-"
"Oi, tsundere, where the hell did you put my head?" bellowed a familiar voice. "I have to go practise with the dance club in ten minutes."
Kise's eyes went wide as he took in the sight of Tsukino Kame clad in Teiko's demon mascot uniform stomping over to Midorima.
"This is the sixth time I have told you not to call me that," said Midorima.
"Where is my head, tsundere?" asked Tsukino. "You know I don't like walking around in the costume without it. What if someone outside of the first string comes in and sees me, huh? Their blood will be on your hands."
"I haven't seen it."
"Liar. I saw you cleaning it yesterday."
"A team's mascot is an important part of their identity and morale. I was only cleaning it to ensure the success-"
"Liar. You were cleaning it because I kept complaining about how bad it smelled. Now where's my head?"
"I took it to get dry cleaned. It will be ready for tomorrow. In the meantime I have a motorcycle helmet in the shape of a frog in my locker in case of emergencies. You may use that for your dance practice if you need to."
"Tsukinocchi is the Demon of the First-String Gymnasium?" asked Kise.
"Tsukinocchi?" repeated Aomine.
"Oh hey, Kise," said Tsukino, raising a paw in greeting. "Congratulations on joining the first string. If you tell anyone about me I'll sneak into your house in the middle of the night and shave off all your hair."
Aomine looked between them in confusion. "How do you know each other?"
"Don't worry, Aomine. I've made it clear to Kise that I'm not interested in having relations with him."
"Why the hell would I care who you had relations with?" snapped Aomine.
"Wait a minute," said Kise. "Aren't you two dating?"
"No! And we're not getting married, and she isn't pregnant with my child. Jheeze."
"How can you treat Kaiki-chan so callously?" asked Tsukino.
"For the hundredth time, we are not naming our baby Kaiki!"
"So you admit we are having a baby."
Aomine groaned.
"What the hell do you mean you're not dating, Tsukinocchi?" said Kise, jabbing an accusative finger towards her. "You told me you were in love!"
"Don't point at your seniors," said Midorima.
"She's the mascot!"
"A team's mascot is an important part of their identity and morale-"
"Just admit you were defending my honour, tsundere."
"What was all that about me needing your approval if I wanted to get to know Aomine-kun then? Thirty thousand yen! I spent thirty thousand yen on you!"
"There is no honour left to defend."
"Ah, so that's why you were late to the match on Saturday. Did Kise buy all those burgers too?"
"No, I paid for them myself."
Aomine stared at her.
"Okay, I took the money from Ichi-nii's wallet. But I only took what I felt I was owed."
"Wait, you two went to see a match together?" asked Kise.
"Yeah."
"So you are dating?"
"Yes."
"Shut up, Tsukino!"
Author's Note:
This was probably the trickiest chapter I've ever written for this story (which is way it took aaaages). Kise is such a tricky character to write. I hope he came across believable. The next few chapters are already planned but not written out. They're also pretty tricky since we've got the whole gang together now so the hi-jinks may take some writing. Loved the reviews guessing who Tsukino would traumatise next. I did consider having Tsukino meet Kasamatsu but it didn't come up organically so I couldn't sadly.
Also I hope Aomine and Tsukino's 'heartfelt' moment at the end came across believable as well. I was originally going to make it waaaaay more dramatic but I think it's still too early for that shizz. Also if anyone's feeling insecure about their body or what it means to be a girl while reading this I really do hope you know that make-up or no make-up, small breasts, big breasts, medium breasts, short, fat, skinny, or tall you are still worthy as fudge and deserve all the love you can get. As does Tsukino so she's gonna get a bit more respect in terms of appearance hopefully from Aomine (and everyone else) from now on. Dw this is still all about humour but I wanted body positivity to be a part of that!