A/N: I'm so glad to see from the reviews that this story is making people happy and filling them with laughter since that's the aim of the game. Thanks as always to the readers for your support!
You were conceived next to a Tortoise Enclosure
Going once, going twice…
"All our hard work is finally coming to fruition," said Ito, arms folded across her chest as she observed the final practice. "I just hope they're ready for tomorrow."
"You've prepared them well. They're going to do great," said Nijimura. "Do you mind if I have a word with my demon?"
"You've got two minutes."
Ito blew the whistle and waved the demon over, then she left to give them some privacy.
"How are you feeling about tomorrow?" asked Nijimura. "Are you ready?"
The demon gave two clawed thumbs up.
"You know you've got the rest of the day to do whatever you want right. Just make sure you're on time for the performances or Ito-san will superglue me inside that suit with you."
The demon saluted.
"And I'll deny it if you ever tell anyone I said this," he said with a wry smirk, "but I'm proud of you. You've made a lot of progress since the beginning of the year. And I know I was hard on you, but you didn't give up. That's the kind of spirit I like to see. Keep it up, brat."
There was a pause while the demon appeared to consider his words, but who could tell with those soulless blue flames for eyes. Before it could respond the whistle blew and the demon was called back to the dance troupe.
Nijimura thought about how the basketball club's first string had been so busy worrying about Tsukino's new attitude that they'd missed something crucial. He hadn't though. It was after all part of being a captain, noticing things other people missed. He watched as the Demon twisted and spun in perfect synch with the other dancers and then with a happy feeling in his heart he left.
Wandering the playground like a zombie, Tsukino searched without success for her new best friend. Sakata should have been in their classroom folding origami flowers but there was an emergency with the Swim Club's auction that required her immediate attention. This would have been fine had she not promised to show Tsukino how to fold the paper flowers, and with everyone else in the class too busy with other jobs to help (or skiving in Aomine's case) she had gone on a mission to retrieve the robotic vice-captain.
Finding herself suddenly at the spot where the Riddle Society was putting up their banner, Tsukino ducked behind a tree. Nearby, the girls' basketball team was setting up their stall; a dunk tank combined with a basketball hoop trigger. Their captain had convinced several of the teaching staff to take part; the proceeds would be going towards charity so at least their public humiliation would be worth it. Oshiro always had been a do-gooder, thought Tsukino, trying to remember the last time she did something charitable. Well, the other day she told Midorima to duck before a baseball hit him in the face. Did it still count if she was the one who threw it? Yes, she decided. It did.
She felt an arm hook around her neck. She thrust her elbow out.
"Hey, hey, hey, it's me," said Aomine.
"I know," said Tsukino. "Who else would be foolish enough to try and strangle me in broad daylight?"
"Pfft, I was just saying hi. You just missed Satsuki by the way. You know her class is doing a crepe café."
There was a chilling silence as the two friends regarded each other.
"She's not cooking, is she?"
"She's gonna burn the school down."
"Dammnit," said Tsukino, snapping her fingers, "that was my dream."
"What were you staring at anyway?" asked Aomine, following Tsukino's line of sight. He grinned. "Oh right, the dunk tank. Can't wait to knock Hasegawa-sensei in."
"The basketball and netball clubs have been banned from participating. Unfair advantage. Only way they could get the teachers to agree to sign up."
"Ah, that sucks," said Aomine. Tsukino nodded heartily in agreement. Apparently, Yamamoto-sensei was also taking part. "What are you doing anyway? Weren't you supposed to be helping Sakata with the flowers?"
"She got called away on emergency auction business and she's the only one patient enough to teach me how to do it properly," said Tsukino, holding up her poorly plastered hands for Aomine to see.
"Tch, you've really managed to screw them up," said Aomine, taking her fingers and peering at each of them. "Come on."
"Where to?"
"Sakata isn't the only one with patience."
Half an hour later Tsukino sat opposite Aomine in their classroom, a small mountain of origami flowers beside him, a much smaller, bloodier one beside her. Their classmates milled about preparing the feudal costumes and scenery for the historical photoshoot the class would be offering.
"Oh wow, I've never seen Aomine-kun work so hard," said Hattori, the female class rep, bobbing cheerfully around their work station. "And Tsukino-kun, you've really improved," she added, pointing at her pile. "We'll paint these red so none's the wiser shall we."
Tsukino muttered thanks under her breath before taking another piece of paper to fold.
"You can stop now," said Aomine, snatching it from her. "How are you supposed to do backflips on busted fingers?"
"I would like to contribute," said Tsukino, snatching the paper right back.
"Tch, fine at least use this," he said, reaching into his pocket and taking out a reel of tape. "Swiped it out of Midorima's desk."
"You're such a good boyfriend."
"Yeah, yeah, shut up and fold."
The day of Teiko's Summer festival had arrived and against all odds everything was going off without a hitch. No one's stall had been run through by a wayward scooter, the food was largely edible save for one crepe café, which had inexplicably gone up in flames, and the Model Architect Society was still operating out in the open without anyone running and screaming ridiculous things about spiders erupting from a to-scale Mt. Vesuvius. All was well.
"That's because you're not performing your usual repertoire of mayhem and destruction," remarked Sakata, pinning Tsukino's lapel with a large badge emblazoned with the words 'Proud Member of Teiko's Swim Club'. "There. Now if anyone asks about the Swim Club, what do you say?"
"The Swim Club is one of Teiko's oldest and most respected clubs," Tsukino recited mechanically, raising the flyers in her hands. "Please take a flyer and be sure to visit our auction, which will take place in the hall at five o'clock. We will be selling off a range of items and experiences, including the servitude of the boys' basketball team's vice-captain and all-round gentleman, Akashi Seijuro. All proceeds will be going to charity."
"Services," corrected Sakata.
"Servitude sounds less sexual."
"No it doesn't."
"Then they both sound sexual."
"That is true," said Sakata rubbing her chin. "'Including a wonderful day with vice-captain Akashi Seijuro'?"
"Better," said Tsukino. "Still can't believe he actually agreed to this."
"You posed a compelling argument. Akashi-san's presence will pull in a large crowd thus driving up the prices of the other items. It's basic logic. In fact, out of the two I think that is the less believable."
"That I posed a compelling argument or Akashi would pull in a large crowd?"
"That you were capable of basic logic."
"That's fair."
"I was so shocked I had to sit down."
"So I just walk around for the next few hours handing out flyers, yeah?"
"Try to enjoy yourself too," said Sakata. "And avoid the Model Architects Society. I fear they have prepared countermeasures."
Tsukino chewed the inside of her cheek. "What sort of counter-"
"I'm not going to tell you. It will only encourage you. Remember the plan, Tsukino-san. We only have a short window to get this right."
"Right." Tsukino gave Sakata a rigid salute, which she returned.
Leaping off the stage with cat-like grace, Tsukino ducked under a large ornate pot that was being carried by two members of the swim club and zoomed out of the hallway. There was a clink as the pot was placed carefully on a stand at the back of the stage.
"This seems pretty fancy for a middle school auction," one swim team member said to the other. "Bit too much, isn't it?"
"Shhh, it was donated by the vice-captain's mother. Apparently she's an antiques dealer and wanted to contribute something special. It's probably the most valuable thing on auction," said the other girl and added with a giggle, "other than Akashi-senpai of course."
"It's huge though. I bet I could fit my little brother in here."
In another part of the school, Tsukino was taking her task as flyer distributor very seriously. So far, she was finding that fixing people with a frozen-faced grin until they reached out a trembling hand was quite effective. To one father's horror, his baby started to shriek uncontrollably at the sight. Tsukino merely swept past them and onto the next unsuspecting family like a gargoyle leaping from ledge to ledge as it stalked its prey.
A text arrived telling Tsukino that Momoi had been banned from the Crepe Café. She wondered if Tsukino would meet her by the sign-up desk for the stamp rally. Tucking the flyers into the tote bag Sakata had insisted she carry, also emblazoned with the Teiko Swim Club logo, she sped off towards the meeting place. While Momoi couldn't cook to save her life she definitely had money and she was sure to buy Tsukino something tasty for all of her hard work. So long, of course, as Tsukino grinned hard enough.
"Tetsu, let's join together!"
Tsukino heard Aomine's voice before she saw him. Slowing down to a walk she watched as the unfolding argument began to attract a crowd.
"What!" Momoi shouted before Tetsu could say anything. She hooked her arm round his shoulder and yanked him away. "No! Tetsu-kun wants to join with me!"
Tsukino blinked. When had Momoi started calling Kuroko by his first name? And why was she so eager to be partnered with him? Did she think he was good at riddles? Was she not aware of the fact that Kuroko was an idiot? Tsukino would just have to tell her about the time ten-year-old Kuroko had followed a bird off the side of the cliff because he thought it was teaching him how to fly. And then the time ten-and-a-half-year-old Kuroko got his cast taken off and went back to the same cliff so that he could keep practising.
With a scowl Aomine grabbed hold of Kuroko's other arm and yanked him back. "Who cares. You're not interested in basketball shoes anyway."
"But I'm interested in the rally competition," said Momoi, pulling him the other way.
"My motor skills are much better than yours. I'd be the better partner for Tetsu."
"The main event is riddles, Aomine-kun! You'll just get in the way!"
"Don't look down on my instincts!"
"You can't win a quiz with instincts!"
"Look there's Tsukino, she'll be your partner," said Aomine, pointing over at the girl in question who had managed to find a half-eaten container of takoyaki on a picnic bench. "Don't eat that, idiot. There's flies on it!"
"Five second rule."
"That's not how the five second rule works!"
"Tetsu-kun and I agreed to be partners," said Momoi. "Plus Kame-chan is fast so she can match your speed better than he can."
"That's harsh Momoi-san," muttered Kuroko.
"I didn't mean it like that," said Momoi, blushing deeply. "Just-"
Mouth full of questionable takoyaki, Tsukino said, "Nah, I'm not doing it." She held her tote bag up proudly. "I'm acting as an Arm Ass and Dork for the swim club today."
Both Momoi and Aomine stopped yanking Kuroko from side to side and the three of them stared at her.
"Did she just say…?" asked Momoi
"Arm Ass and Dork," said Aomine.
"I think she means ambassador," said Kuroko, who was better attuned to Tsukino's unique wavelength.
Before any of them could explain Tsukino's mistake to her, someone else arrived on the scene.
"Kurokocchi, what are you guys doing?" asked Kise. A hand rose in front of his face and Kise followed it down to the little imp staring greedily up at him. "I'm not giving you money, Tsukinocchi. You already owe me forty thousand yen."
"I will steal your wallet when you're not looking."
"I bought a new wallet chain, you freeloader. It's made of titanium."
"I accept your challenge."
"Ah, Ki-chan, Ki-chan," said Momoi. Kuroko took this opportunity to free himself and darted behind Teiko's famous model and infamous delinquent, where his presence quickly dissolved. "You agree with me right, Tetsu-kun should be on my team."
"If you all argue in a place like this, you're going to create a scene," said Kise, sighing wearily. Behind him several girls were arguing over who was going to partner with him for the stamp rally and were causing quite the scene themselves. He adjusted his collar nervously.
"Registration's about to close by the way," said Tsukino, tossing the container over her shoulder so that it landed on Kuroko's head. Wordlessly he swept it off.
"Really! If we can't join, it's all Aomine-kun's fault!" said Momoi.
Aomine was still too busy thinking about Arm Ass and Dork to reply.
"Um, I have a suggestion," said Kuroko, picking bits of noodles out of his hair. "I'll be in a team with Momoi-san, and Aomine-kun and Kise-kun can be in a team. How does that sound?"
"T-Tetsu-kun, do you mean it?" asked Momoi, overjoyed. Tsukino really needed to tell her about the time she had to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on Kuroko because he thought that he could gain the powers of fairies by eating a tub full of glitter.
"Tetsu, why should I be in the same team as that ridiculous guy!" Aomine demanded, pointing at Kise.
"Aominecchi! What do you mean by that ridiculous guy? What's wrong with me?"
"You're stingy for one," said Tsukino, drinking from a soda can that had also been left out on the picnic bench. "And you have a beatific smile."
"No one wants to hear your opinion, Tsukinocchi! Also beatific does not mean what you think it means!"
"Well," continued Kuroko, cutting across the din, "I had already asked Momoi-san to be my partner first. Besides, while Aomine-kun and I are very good together when it comes to basketball, it's not the same when it comes to other things. We definitely wouldn't win if we were on the same team."
"That's… true," conceded Aomine. "Fine. I'll team up with you, Kise."
"How can you say that in such a condescending tone?" whined Kise.
"Never mind, Tsukino, be my partner."
"Aominecchi!"
Finally, after a great deal of bickering the two groups managed to register. Tsukino, who was still trying to convince someone to give her money, followed them over to the starting line.
As they neared her face darkened.
"Looks like none of you are going to win," said Tsukino. "The world is about to end."
"Huh, what do you mean?" asked Kise.
"Why if it isn't the Almighty Midget Middle Child." There was a trill of glittery laughter.
Tsukino dry-heaved.
"Zinan-senpai," exclaimed Aomine, his expression radiating boyish delight.
Zinan sauntered over to their group, an even taller young man by his side. Aomine's eyes widened. The red hair was cropped short so that unless you looked closely you wouldn't be able to tell it was curly. Tsukino Ichiro had a very square jaw, the kind a construction worker could use to level floors, and when he walked one got the impression that a building had sprouted legs.
"Hey, Aomine. Ichi-nii, this was the guy that I was telling you about," Zinan said to the taller boy beside him. "Aomine, this is my older brother Ichiro."
"Ah right," said Ichiro, smiling warmly at him. It was a strangely familiar smile, thought Momoi, feeling a sense of unease creep up on her. "Best power forward since Kobayashi, right."
Aomine scratched the back of his head. "Haha, I still have a long way to go." Momoi nudged him. "Oh right, this is Momoi Satsuki and Kise Ryouta. They're in the basketball club too."
"Nice to meet you both," said Ichiro.
"Wait a minute," said Momoi, finger pressed to her lips, "Zinan and Ichiro… Kame-chan's older brothers?"
"That's right."
"Wait, don't tell me you're the Tsukino brothers," exclaimed Kise. While he had only been interested in basketball for a couple of months the reputation of the Tsukino brothers was well-known throughout the school. It was however less known that they were related to the infamous delinquent Tsukino Kame. This was because Tsukino was liable to attack anyone who so much as mentioned their names in a five-yard radius. "You're related to Tsukinocchi! How is that possible? She's awful!"
"We like to joke that she's adopted," said Ichiro. "Once we managed to convince her that she belonged to a travelling circus. Our parents were really annoyed when she tried to stow away in that lady's beard." He let out a booming laugh. It was the kind of laugh you felt compelled to join unless you wanted a group of soldiers to haul you off for re-education. "That was a fun weekend."
"Ahaha," said Momoi, at a loss for words. "Anyway, will you be participating in the stamp rally as well?
"It is tempting," said Zinan, looking longingly over at the LeBron trainers in the display case. "But we've actually got a lot of fun packed activities planned for today. You see we don't normally get to come out together like this, Ichi-nii and I, so we thought we'd surprise Kame-chan. Gosh, how long has it been since we were able to leave the house together?"
"Six months," said Ichiro, his grin widening to disproportionate lengths. "Six. Months."
"Has it really been that long? Well, I guess we'll have to fill today with wonderful memories of spending time with our lovely little sister, won't we?"
There was a choking noise off to the side.
"Oh I see," said Momoi, the uneasy feeling amplifying the longer she stared at Ichiro's face. She wasn't alone. Even Aomine who was generally slow on the uptake was looking at the brothers as if he was trying to figure out which one had farted. "But you know, Kame-chan has a lot of duties herself today so-"
"And of course we're going to make sure she completes all of them," said Zinan. "Guess it's about time we headed off. Ichi-nii, if you'd be so kind."
While the brothers had been introducing themselves to the other members of the group, a puddle of bile had formed a little way off to the side. It was made of bitterness and loathing and if you looked closely you might have mistaken it for a human with exceptional slumping skills. Ichiro walked over to it and gave it a swift kick in the rear. A look of horror spread through Aomine, Kise and Momoi, culminating finally in a blank faced Kuroko who had known the brothers since he was three.
"Come on, brat," said Ichiro, kneeling beside the lump. "Get up."
"Why are you here?" groaned the lump.
"Oh, Almighty Midget Child, did you really think we would pass up an opportunity to watch you perform?" asked Zinan, smiling beatifically at her. Understanding dawned on Kise.
"W-what?" said Tsukino, head shooting up. "Performance- you mean- you- Who told you?"
Ichiro's grin was a lot more terrible than his brother's. They all found themselves thinking the same thing. It was exactly like Tsukino's. "We have our sources."
"Nijimura."
"Yep."
"He said it with such pride," said Zinan, placing a hand to his heart. "Ah, such a sweet naïve fool boasting about his little blue rat."
Tsukino lunged at him. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on whose side you were on, Ichiro caught her by the collar and dragged her back.
"Come on, little sister, or should we say, Demon of the First-String," said Zinan. "You don't have to worry. Your secret's safe with us."
"Like hell it is," said Tsukino. She swung her fists at Ichiro, who could have been three Tsukino's in a trench coat. "You just want blackmail material."
"Naturally," said Zinan, reaching out to pat her on the head and then thinking better of it as she gnashed her teeth. "By the way, mama and papa want us to meet them by the toilets. Buro's refusing to come out of one of the cubicles. You've got your lock-picking kit with you right? I left mine at school."
"Mama and papa are here," said Tsukino, horror in her voice.
"And they brought the camcorder," said Ichiro, sniggering in the way his sister had after she released a plague of frogs into the cafeteria on International Food Day screaming the words: Hola, Mon-Sewers.
"I hate you both," said Tsukino, dragging her hands across her face. "Why was I born?"
"Well, one night before Christmas thirteen years ago," Zinan said with a wistful expression, "I prayed to the heavens for a dog."
"You're the dog, Kame," said Ichiro.
"I gathered, thanks."
"In case it wasn't clear."
"You know what is clear, Ichi-nii? The fact that you wet your bed until you were-"
There was a thump and a groan.
"Okay, well," Zinan said, clapping his hands together and turning to the group of friends standing in stunned silence. "It was lovely meeting all of you. Great seeing you again, Aomine, you should come round some time and we'll talk strategy."
"Uh, yeah."
"And Tetsu, always a pleasure."
"You're both terrible people," said Kuroko.
"A fair observation."
"Oi, Tetsu, time to bury the hatchet, yeah?" said Ichiro, lifting Tsukino up like a rag doll and tucking her under his arm. "Love it when you and Kame fight 'cos honestly it makes life easier for us, but mama and papa miss you."
And with that they departed leaving the members of the first string and their manager with a newfound respect for their mascot.
After the Stamp Rally ended in miserable, humiliating defeat, the four of them headed to the main playground where a stage had been set up for the dance club's showcase. The theme this year was gothic romance and each dance routine was executed with the kind of highly skilled precision you'd attribute to the armed forces. This was not that much of a stretch when you considered who their captain was. Everyone whooped and cheered in the middle when the Demon of the First String leapt out from the rafters with a mighty roar and danced them through the next four routines. It gave Momoi a warm feeling to see that most of the members of the first-string made sure to carve some time out of their day to come and support their mascot. Even Midorima, who'd insisted that the Astrology Society would not be able to spare him, arrived there before any of the other members and remained for the entire show. Nijimura too stood proudly at the front in support of both his girlfriend and his former slave.
As the final performance came to a close with the ballerina sacrificing her own life for the demon and dying wretchedly in its arms, applause erupted from the audience. Momoi tried to join in as well but a high-pitched whistle at her ear almost deafened her. She was surprised to see Aomine with his hands cupped around his mouth shouting as loudly as he could. She smiled to herself. Of course, none of the first-string could say Tsukino's name because they had grown used to the whole internal part of their internal organs, but it was clear who they were cheering for. Momoi just hoped that Tsukino, stuffed into that sweaty suit everyone had grown so fond of, knew it too.
After a few more bows the curtains came down for a final time and the audience began to disperse. Still riding the sense of euphoria that always accompanied being a part of a large energetic crowd, Momoi didn't even bat an eyelid when Kuroko excused himself to go help at his classroom's stall, Curry de Elegant. Along with the others, Momoi waited for Tsukino to come out so that she could offer up her congratulations.
"Should we have bought her flowers or something?" asked Kise, watching awkwardly as the bright blue Demon of the First-String clad once again in its basketball jersey emerged from backstage and was immediately flocked to by fans.
"Skino-chin likes milk," Murasakibara offered helpfully.
"Don't be foolish. Milk is not an appropriate congratulatory gift," said Midorima.
"I don't see Mido-chin giving any suggestions."
"In any case, this is a pointless discussion," said Midorima, pushing his glasses up his nose stiffly. "Since no one actually thought to get her anything I do not believe we've violated any social conventions."
Just then Nakadan and Kira went passed holding a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates, and what appeared to be a tub of rocky road.
"Aomine go run and buy some milk," ordered Midorima.
"Buy your own milk," said Aomine, clasping his hands behind his neck.
"Ah, don't worry Midorin," Momoi said reassuringly, "I've organised dinner for us once all this is over. It's at Kame-chan's favourite restaurant."
"Maji Burger?" asked Aomine.
"That's your favourite restaurant. Anyway, it looks like Kame-chan's going to be here a while, so why don't we meet her at the auction."
The group headed over to the hall and were greeted by an immense crowd. It looked like Tsukino's stare-down tactics had been a success, although some credit had to go to the main event. While Akashi could be intimidating in a certain light he was by and large as Tsukino had advertised; a charming gentleman and very popular in all of Teiko's social and academic circles. Standing on her tip-toes Momoi tried to see above the heads of the spectators. The auction had just started and the item currently up for grabs was a free day trip at the hot springs for two. No doubt they'd leave Akashi till the end.
Several lots went by, but the group were either too poor or too lazy to bid on anything. Only Midorima tried his hand at a few items that he thought might come in handy for his daily horoscope but he was outbid at every turn by a small old lady who he was beginning to think had a personal vendetta against him.
"It's strange," Midorima observed during the intermission. They were taking a break to set up the last three items. "Why would Akashi agree to something like this?"
"Apparently, Kame-chan made a compelling argument about charity," said Momoi.
There was silence as everyone in the group considered this.
"Hold on," said Kise. "Didn't you guys tell me it was Akashicchi's fault that Tsukinocchi has to be the mascot? Does it make sense for them to be on such friendly terms?"
"Wouldn't put it past her to use this auction as a way to get back at him," said Aomine, yawning. "Probably buy him herself and turn him into her slave."
More silence.
"N-no," said Momoi. "Kame-chan's not that stupid."
"She is exactly that stupid," said Kise.
"When I first met her she tried to convince me that she was my dead great-grandmother reincarnated," said Midorima. "Her objective was my noodle soup."
"Skino-chin once threatened to suffocate me with a crisp packet," said Murasakibara.
"She's dumb and she likes revenge," said Aomine.
"Okay, okay, okay, not to worry," said Momoi, pacing up and down. She pointed suddenly at Midorima, Kise and Murasakibara. "You three walk around and see if you can find her."
"What? But I'm tired," said Kise, groaning. "And we don't even know if she's here. Can't we just text Akashicchi and warn him?"
"No! If Akashi-san finds out Kame-chan was plotting something he'll kick her off the team for sure and then who knows what Yamamoto-sensei will do to her. Now hurry up before he comes on stage," said Momoi, climbing up onto Aomine's shoulders.
"Satsuki!"
The three boys sped off, or in Murasakibara's case moved at a lumbering shuffle that would put all snails everywhere to shame. Perched on Aomine's shoulders, Momoi scanned the audience for anyone who looked remotely familiar. She guessed that Tsukino might be in disguise to avoid detection.
It was not a method Teiko's menace used often, only When Absolutely Necessary. She thought disguises were cowardly, believing that true delinquents would never shy away from taking ownership of their work. Once during flu season last year, When Absolutely Necessary, she dressed as a rock and hid herself on the field for two hours to avoid getting an injection; then When Absolutely Necessary she pretended to be an old fortune teller so that she could save up enough money to run away from home (she managed to get on a coach and travel two hours when suddenly the old man who had been sat beside her since the beginning of their journey unfurled and revealed himself to be her father); and more recently When Absolutely Necessary she put on a Godzilla costume and hid in the girls changing rooms to traumatise Goldie McRiding Hood. Sometimes it was When Not Really Absolutely Necessary But Come On You Have To Admit It Was Hilarious.
Midorima was finding that being tall was not an advantage when searching for a termite. A fanfare of trumpets sounded and Akashi Seijuro walked on stage to an outpouring of applause and squeals. Midorima clenched his teeth as Sakata began enumerating the vice-captain's many achievements over the PA system before starting the bidding at ten thousand yen.
A hand shot up to Midorima's left. It was the little old lady who had been bidding against him. He watched her closely.
"I have ten thousand yen, going once, going-"
"El-eleven thousand," called a girl from the shogi club.
The old lady raised her hand and in the croakiest, most elderly voice imaginable, said "Twelve thousand."
"Fourteen thousand!" shouted another student.
"Fifteen thousand," said the old lady.
That hunched back, that clearly affected voice, those ridiculously huge glasses; it was clear who this woman really was. Marching up to her Midorima tapped her on the shoulder. With great difficulty she craned her head up to look at him.
"Why, what a tall young man," she said, her magnified eyes blinking at him like a frog.
"The jig is up," he said sternly.
"I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're talking about," croaked the old lady, looking confused. She raised her hand again to outbid the shogi girl but her wrist was grabbed by Midorima.
"If you insist on carrying on with this charade then I'm just going to have to drag you out," he said, tugging on her arm.
"Ow, stop," said the old lady, smacking his legs with her walking stick. "Stop that! Help! Help! This young man is attacking me!"
The crowd began to part around them and mutter.
"It's okay," Midorima told them. "She's my classmate."
The muttering got louder.
"Let me go, let me go, you crazy boy," said the old woman, hitting him harder.
"Tsukino, don't you think you're taking this too far?" said Midorima. He reached for the scarf she wore around her head. "If you insist on acting like a child, I'll have to unmask you here in front of everyone."
With one swift yank, Midorima pulled off her scarf. A shocked gasp escaped the crowd and the bidding up on the stage came to a screeching halt.
"Midorima-san," Sakata's voice boomed over the PA system. "Please unhand Hasegawa-sensei's mother and return her scarf to her without further molestation."
Midorima's face had gone pale. Passing the scarf back to the bald old lady, who was still hitting him feebly with her stick, he withdrew into the depths of the audience.
"Midorin," hissed Momoi. She was forced to climb down from Aomine's shoulders because he was laughing too hard. "What were you thinking?"
"I thought- She looked- The height- She kept outbidding me," Midorima muttered weakly to himself.
Kise and Murasakibara returned to the group, the former clutching his stomach with silent laughter.
"I knew older women were your type, Midorimacchi but I had no idea you liked them geriatric."
Murasakibara stuck his tongue out in disgust. "Midochin is such a creep."
Momoi patted his shoulder placatingly. "It's okay, it's not your fault. But we do owe Kame-chan an apology. It looks like she didn't have anything horrible planned after all-"
The doors flew open and Teiko's former Tsukino brothers stumbled into the hall breathing heavily. Zinan's ponytail had half come undone and there was a mad look in his eyes as he scanned the hall. Meanwhile, shirt drenched with sweat, Ichiro began pushing his way through the audience. Akashi was finally sold off to the young lady from the shogi club and exited the stage to make space for the next item; a large ornate pot. He came and stood beside Midorima.
"May I ask why you assaulted an elderly woman, Midorima? "asked Akashi, facing the stage with the rest of the group.
"I thought it was Tsukino," said Midorima.
"Ah."
To their astonishment Akashi was smiling. Before any of them could question this, the bidding for the pot began.
"Let's start at ten thousand yen," said Sakata, her gavel raised.
Zinan's hand shot up. "Fifteen thousand yen."
"Twenty thousand yen," Akashi said in a clear, controlled voice.
Zinan shot him a frustrated look. "Twenty-five thousand!"
"Thirty thousand," said Akashi, a picture of calm.
By now Momoi and the boys had figured out that there was something going on, something most likely tied to Tsukino but they couldn't figure out what. So they just watched in muted horror as Akashi and Zinan engaged in a bidding war.
"Thirty-five thousand!"
"Forty thousand."
"Fifty thousand!"
"Fifty-five thousand."
Ichiro pushed his way over to Zinan and whispered something in his ear. "Yeah, yeah," Momoi heard him say. "We'll just have to make her pay us back- Sixty thousand!"
"Sixty-five thousand," said Akashi, checking his phone.
"Seventy thousand!"
Everyone held their breath. There was silence. Akashi pocketed his phone and said nothing.
"Going once," said Sakata, raising her gavel high in the air. "Going twice…"
Author's Note:
Five billion points to the person who can guess the name of the next chapter XD!
Did any of you think big brother Ichiro was going to be nice? Did you think he was going to be wise and responsible because he was the oldest? I mean I don't blame you because a long time ago I used to think that too. But hahahahahaha Ichiro cray. Loved writing his character in this one because it was like a slow burn. As I wrote it I realised what an asshole he really was and it was beautiful.
I'd love to hear any theories you guys have on what's going on. As usual I like to leave it mysterious enough to be exciting but I don't want to be so ambiguous that it doesn't make sense when it's finally revealed.
Have to also add that I could barely finish writing this chapter because I was laughing too hard at Arm Ass and Dork.