10 Breakfast
Dear Mumma
It has been a week since we came to the manor. I have been doing my assignments regularly in case, Professor asked to check them.
Hermione wrote to me a few days ago telling me that our exam results will be arriving soon. She told me not to worry about it and focus on my summer assignments.
I have wet the bed every night during the week and even some daytime accidents, but Mickey was always there to help me clean up and promised not to say anything about it to Professor Snape. She is my friend, amiable and caring. She always brings me food because Professor rarely calls me down to have food with him. I know I am not allowed to touch anything except when I am cleaning them. I like cleaning, so I sometimes help Mickey clean the house. I also helped her with the garden.
Today I decided to give a surprise to Professor by cooking him breakfast. I made pancakes and bacon for him, which Mickey said were his favorite. Uncle Vernon always had several helpings whenever I cooked pancakes, so I guess I am pretty good at it.
I set the table and waited for him to come down. I smiled as he walked down the stairs waiting to tell him about the breakfast I made but as soon as he saw me, he looked angry and was about to go back. I told him not to disturb his routine because of me and came back to my room.
As soon as I reached my room, I buried my face into a pillow and cried into it as quietly as possible, not wanting anyone to hear me.
Am I that bad that no one ever wanted me? Am I Mumma? I think you also will be disgusted by me being your son. After all, I was the reason why Voldemort killed you.
I am sorry for being such a freak. I am really sorry, Mumma. I will try to stop. I seriously will. I promise. I don't want you to hate me. I didn't mean to upset Professor Snape or even give him a reason to hate me. I just wanted to surprise him and thank him for all he has done for me till now. I think if he knew I made the breakfast, he would have thrown it away.
I will not cry anymore. I will work hard and make Professor proud.
Mickey popped into the room and held me till I quieted down. She told me that we need to plan to make him realize I am worthy of being his son. She told me to complete my summer assignments as soon as possible, keep my room clean and study hard to get good marks. I could also help around the house without hiding so that Professor could see my efforts and love me as he does to Draco.
I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I wish I was like Draco. He is so bright, intelligent, and didn't even have accidents like a baby. Everyone loves him, even Professor Snape, but I matter to no one.
Grandpa visited today telling me that my exam results are out as he handed me the envelope. I opened it feeling nervous but was relieved to see my result until I reached my potion marks. It was an A. I barely managed to pass when I had put so much effort into it. Grandpa informed me that I got the third position in the class after Draco, Hermione, and Theo. Draco and Hermione's score was the same, and they topped the class while Theo was just behind them with a difference of 1%. I was 2.2% behind Theo. Grandpa left after congratulating me.
Professor Snape took the paper out of my hands, looking over my marks.
He looked at me disgusted and shoved the envelope at me. I backed up against the wall as he advanced towards me. He glared at me before telling me to face the wall and not move before I was told to do so. I stood by the wall crying. I don't know why I cry so much like a baby.
Halfway through the punishment, I felt the need to use the bathroom but didn't want to anger him more than he already was. I tried to tell him about it, but he told me to keep quiet. I was so scared when he shouted at me to stay silent when I couldn't hold it anymore and tried to tell him that I peed myself. He had spanked me and told me he would get me diapers if this happened again.
I don't want to wear diapers Mumma, please help me stop, please I don't want to be treated like a baby.
He told me to clean up the mess without magic and go back to my room after I finished.
I cleaned up the mess before returning to my room. I cried and cried. It seems like that's the only thing I did today or am currently doing.
No matter how hard I try, I won't be able to earn Professor Snape's love. He had sent a gift to Draco and Theo, congratulating them for their achievement over the foo. I wish I had made him proud instead of Draco or Theo, for that matter, but I am happy for them. They deserve what they got, and I didn't. I didn't deserve anything because I didn't work as hard as they did.
I sometimes wish I could have died that day instead of you.
Lots of Love, Harry
Severus put his head in his hands as a few tears he had been trying to contain escaped the corner of his eyes and tracked down his cheek. He could tell by the condition of the paper that the child had cried tones over it and that too because of him. Harry wished he were dead because he didn't feel loved and accepted by his father.
Severus could now see how unfair he had been towards Harry. He was sending gifts and wishes to his godson and even Theo, but he never thought of getting even a single gift for Harry. He knew Harry was, to an extent, jealous of Draco and Theo.
Harry has passed with flying colors with an O in all subjects except for an A in potions which were purely Severus' fault. He had given Harry less than what he deserved. Severus was angry not with Harry, and he had to admit at that time he didn't as much as care about the child's marks or the child in question for that matter. He didn't remember why was he in such a sour mood, but he just was, and he had taken his anger out on Harry, and the accident didn't help matters though his son had told him about having to use the bathroom, he like an utter bastard he was, has denied the boy to go.
Severus remembered the look of fear and shame on his son's face when he had lost control due to fear because Severus all but snapped at him to keep quiet.
He never thought much about making Harry clean up the mess but now knowing how bad had Harry felt about it made his stomach churn with guilt.
He replayed the day in his mind. He vaguely remembered Harry standing in front of a perfectly set table waiting for him. Severus didn't want to be distributed while he ate. He turned around to walk back to his room, but the boy had told him to continue his morning routine, have breakfast, and ignore Harry. The look of pain hadn't gone unnoticed, and neither had the hopeful glances as he walked back to his room. Severus hadn't given it much thought as he sat down to have breakfast. The pancakes and beacon were as he liked them and were the best he had eaten in a long time.
No doubt his son found comfort in a house-elf rather than him when he was all but a bastard to Harry. It surprised him how much effort Harry put in just to get noticed by his father, but the child was not at fault. The said father was the one who turned a blind eye to everything his son did to prove his worth. No child should be treated in such a way.
He was more horrible than his father, sure he would abuse Severus by his words but never once laid a hand on him, and there were times he could remember his father holding him after a nightmare or because he had woken up in a wet bed.
Dumbledore took him under his care after his father passed away and has always put Severus before anything, even now. Albus visited Severus on alternate days to make sure he was alright and didn't need anything or to see if he was sleeping correctly. And what had he done to his son? Absolutely nothing. He had ignored him totally making it clear Harry was not wanted, abusing his child to the extent that his son wished to be dead
He didn't know even a bit about his son because he never bothered. Gathering himself together, he called for Mickey, who appeared with a soft pop in front of him.
"Did master Severus needed anything? "
"Mickey, did Harry make those pancakes the other day?"
"Yes, Harry made pancakes and beacon for master Severus to thank him for letting him stay at the manor. "
" Did He eat properly when he was at the manor? "
" No, he ate very little, and then after his results, he didn't eat for days, saying he couldn't waste his time in eating because he needed to study and top the class to make you proud. He studied the whole day before exhausting himself to sleep. When I finally convinced him to eat, he fell sick. "
" He was sick? When? "
" About a month after his results. He was all blue. I don't know what happened to him, and he made me promise not to tell anyone. I made him vomit to take out whatever was making him ill. He was better after vomiting a few times, and I also secretly placed the stone you have for poisons. He was all good after that. "
He tried to suicide?? When? Why? The questions were swirling around his head. This was much more than he had expected when he first opened the diary. He forced himself to calm down before turning his attention to Mickey.
" Mickey, what does he like? "
" Harry loves to draw and also read books. He likes pancakes just like you and loves to write in his diary."
" What about his accidents? "
" He regularly woke up in the middle of the night in a wet bed. I would help him clean his sheets and clothes or take a bath if he wanted one. He had daytime accidents when he wasn't careful. I think he has problems with his bladder. "
" Thank you, Mickey."
" He loves you, master. Please give him a chance."
Severus was stunned by those words. He vowed to take action as soon as he was through with the diary.
He thought he was lucky to have found the diary. It has been two days since school started. Severus has returned to the manor to get the ingredients of some potion. He decided to have a look into the child's room when he passed by it.
He had been looking through the spotless room when he spotted a book under the pillows. On further inspection, he found that the book was Harry's personal diary with a few entries, all addressed to his mother.
Severus first thought was to leave the diary where he found it, the boy must have forgotten it here, but he quiet couldn't bring himself to do so and so decided to have a look. He was now grateful that he chose to read it.
Until a short while ago, he was not even pondering over the fact that Harry was his son. He didn't love or as far as even care a bit about the boy, but going through the diary had made him realize how wrong he had been about the child and how much pain he caused to Harry. He felt not only guilt but love for his son, who was trying with all his might to make his father proud of him. He didn't know if that was possible to hate a person's gut at a point and feel love for the same person at the very next moment.
He could make amends. He just wished with all his heart that that was the case, and he hadn't messed it up to a point where he wasn't in a position to make amends.