"Ultra Infirmitatibus Meis"
Chapter 13
"Watch Sherlock. Watch as he trembles. Watch as he crumbles. Watch as he burns."
"Mayday! Mayday!
The ship is slowly sinking
They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling."
This has been a long time coming.
She watched it happen.
The fall of Mycroft Holmes.
Bit by bit, his armor crumbled under the blows he took for his family.
"They're all around me,
Circling like vultures
They wanna break me and wash away my colors
Wash away my colors"
But those weren't the problem.
He could take them.
It was the ones they dished out, that were the most damaging.
They could insult him like he was the scum of the earth.
"Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons"
They could rip into him like a pack of hungry wolves, and give no reason why.
They could use him when convenient, and then forget he exists until the next problem arrived.
Those wounds were lethal, crippling... it took days for him to get up from just one of those injuries.
And he would still let them hit.
"I cannot stop this sickness taking over
It takes control and drags me into nowhere
I need your help, I can't fight this forever
I know you're watching,
I can feel you out there."
He would let them because, in his eyes, he deserved nothing more.
At least… that was the case until a few days ago.
Now...
Now she's not even sure if he's the same man anymore.
"Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons"
He looked the same.
He sounded the same.
But he didn't feel the same.
The Mycroft Holmes she knew felt like the winter weather just before spring: Cold and unpleasant on the outside, yet warm and passionate underneath.
The Mycroft Holmes she worked with for the past couple of yearsdays was nothing like that.
"Take me over the walls below
Fly forever
Don't let me go
I need a savior to heal my pain
When I become my worst enemy
The enemy."
He was less man, and more like the embodiment of the "Iceman" ideal.
Cold and aloof, while also dark and foreboding.
Everything her boss couldn't be because of his compassionate heart.
But it seemed his family has finally beat it out of him.
"Take me high and I'll sing
you make everything okay
We are one in the same
you take all of the pain away."
He is now what they always saw him to be, and what he feared he would become since day one.
His greatest ally and yet also his greatest foe.
The Iceman.
His mentor...
His confidant...
His demon.
"Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)
Save me if I become
My demons."
She was going to show them.
Anthea is going to show Sherlock and his parents how much their eldest child has suffered. How utterly alone he was, living in a world where each decision he made could cost thousands of innocent lives if he wasn't careful.
How he beared the burden alone, hiding it all under a hardened mask, trying to appear strong to those he cared about. To make it easier for them to throw their own problems upon his all-too-eager shoulders.
Because that's what he was trained to do.
Solve problems.
Take the blame.
Protect the innocent.
Then fade away as if he never even existed, as an unrecognized hero.
Was it really too much to ask that they simply greet him with a smile, when he comes to visit?
Was it really too much to ask that they don't accuse him of being dishonest and needlessly cryptic, when it came to what he did for a living?
Was it really too much to ask for him to be loved with the same unconditional love his younger siblings received?
Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.
He didn't dare ask.
After all...
He deserved no less for what he's done, didn't he?
Anthea scoffed.
She'll show them.
She'll show them the CCTV footage he never wanted them to see.
Where he is shown at the end of his rope.
Where he dared to question their motive and his belonging to their family.
Where he was the most… human.
She will show them what happened after their meeting regarding Eurus.
"Oh, dig my shallow grave
It's not me you'll save
'Cause I'm a lost cause
I'm a lost cause
A lost, lost cause."
The door to his office snapped open and Mycroft Holmes barreled inside, slamming the door shut behind him, the recording shaking a little bit from the force of the blow.
Anthea in the motion picture looked up, startled, at her boss who was leaning heavily on the opposite wall.
She got up, the worry adoring her beautiful face could be seen even on the sandy recording.
"Sir?"
"Wait, all this time that I have spent away
Makes me think that I might be okay,
The kiss of death will have to wait
My head, is holding on to all those things you said
You taught me to be strong and get through it, the mist of darkness
In my head."
Her employer looked close to collapsing. Face pale, breathing heavy hands shaky and posture bent.
She walked up to him, slowly as if approaching a frightened animal.
"Mr. Holmes?" Anthea asked as she neared him. "Are you alright?" Her hand then reached out and gently rested on his shoulder.
At that the dam broke.
Mycroft took in a sharp breath and fell to his knees, his body shaking with tremors, and it was then that she realized he's crying.
"Oh, dig my shallow grave
It's not me you'll save
'Cause I'm a lost cause
I'm a lost cause
A lost, lost cause."
"I… I can't take this anymore, Anthea. I just… can't. I can't!" The smooth commanding tones that usually adored Mycroft's voice were gone, not a trace left.
This was the most broken she ever saw him.
"What do you mean, Sir?" Anthea asked, trying to make her voice sound soft and comforting.
But Mycroft only buried his face in his knees, in a desperate attempt to hide his bitter tears.
"I thought I could take it. I thought I was strong enough to stand there and listen as they-" he cut himself off abruptly, then chuckled. "Oh who I was kidding, Anthea? I could never do that. Not with them."
"Who, Sir?" The PA's voice betrayed nothing, but it was clear she wasn't happy with what was being said.
He then looked up at her, icy-blue eyes filled with sadness and betrayal.
At that moment there was no Mycroft Holmes-Genius extraordinaire and Shadow king of England.
Only Mycroft Holmes-Little Boy who was sent to do a man's job.
"My parents." He whispered.
"They think I'm a monster."
"It's not me you'll save
'Cause I'm a lost cause
I'm a lost cause
A lost, lost cause."
"Why would you think so, Sir?" Anthea asked gently, squeezing the shoulder she came to hold.
He was shaking. By God how he was shaking.
"They know."
She froze.
"What?"
"Sherlock," she cussed. Of course it would be the ungrateful little shit that caused her boss such distress. "He… he found out. About Eurus. And… and then he told them."
Of course he did.
"Then the meeting you were just in..."
Mycroft nodded slightly, head down and shoulders slumped.
"I thought… I thought I could explain myself, Anthea." He whispered, wrapping his arms around his knees. "I thought they would... listen. But..."
"They didn't." She finished for him, deep sorrow evident in her voice.
"No." He confirmed. "Not at all."
"Wait, no one said what's lost cannot be found
You are here to make it safe and sound,
Oh we, can make it, out alive
Fate, hath its way when all that's learned is sin
Nothing really matters in the end,
As long, as you, are with me, friend."
"I just don't understand, Anthea." Never in her life has she heard something quite so broken. "Why don't they love me the same way they love Sherlock or Eurus? What makes me so different? What did I do wrong?"
She didn't know what to say to that, so she just sat down on the floor next to him and rubbed his shoulders.
"It just seems that… no matter what I do, it will never be enough for them. I… I could spend an entire day with them, pay their bills and finance medical care, and buy them an all-inclusive vacation in Florida… and they… they still wouldn't... wouldn't forgive me for whatever it is I did, to earn their scrutiny in the first place." He shook his head. "But Sherlock? He… he can avoid them, trick them, curse at them… and they… they'd still forgive him."
He swallowed.
"M-Maybe they subconsciously knew that I did something unthinkable?" Mycroft asked tentatively. "Maybe that's why… they hated me for so very long. They might have not known what I did exactly but… it was enough. I suppose… now they have a reason to feel justified for acting so."
"Oh, dig my shallow grave
It's not me you'll save
'Cause I'm a lost cause
I'm a lost cause
A lost, lost cause."
"Sir..."
"It's alright, Anthea." He cut her off before she could fully express her sympathy. "I… I deserve it. All of it."
"No, sir. You don't." She argued anyway, pulling him closer.
"How can you say that, Anthea?" What was frightening is that her boss sounded genuinely curious. "You know the position I'm in. You know what I am forced to do for the greater good." There were tears in his eyes. "You know they're not wrong."
"Monsters don't save people." Anthea objected desperately.
"Ah but they do many other things, my dear." Mycroft responded in a hollow voice. "Most of which you will find littered in my MI6 files." He then smiled at her, a smile so hollow it made her heart ache. "There is no shortage of atrocities I have willingly committed, Anthea."
"You did them for the right reasons."
"That, unfortunately, doesn't make them any less wrong."
"No one can understand me
Like you can understand
No one can fill your shadow
'Cause you are all I am."
"Sir, you can't think like that."
"As much as I loathe to admit it, those are facts, my dear." He chuckled then. The sound was heartbreaking. "Maybe me and Eurus aren't that different, after all?"
Anthea's face turned into a snarl.
"You are nothing like her, Sir." She assured him, damning conveniences and pulling him into a hug. "You did what you had to, to protect millions of innocent people. She did it because she is a murderous psychopath."
"And yet, had the both of us fallen into a river..." He took a shaky breath and hugged her back with all his strength.
"I'm not the one they would save."
"Oh, dig my shallow grave
It's not me you'll save
Cause I'm a lost cause
I'm a lost cause
A lost, lost cause"
Anthea walked up to the television and pressed a few more buttons to change the recording.
There was a few more she would like the present Holmes family to see.
"I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared
But no one would listen 'cause no one else cared
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear
What am I leaving when I'm done here?
So if you're asking me, I want you to know."
The date showed this recording was recorded exactly a day after the Eurus revelation. Mycroft and Anthea were sitting in their respective positions: him behind his large mahogany desk, and her near the door.
They were silent for the first couple of minutes, Mycroft organising an alarming amount of papers and Anthea looking through all his emails and deleting spam.
It was clear to all that they were dancing around the subject of what happened yesterday.
Mycroft: Because it was easier to just pretend nothing happened,
Anthea: Because, though she wanted to talk to her boss about everything that's been bothering him, there is only so much she can do without overstepping her boundaries.
Maybe they would have stayed that way for the rest of the day...
But then the ginger Holmes let out a long-suffering sigh, and rubbed his face with the his hands.
Anthea could be seen looking up from her blackberry.
"Mr. Holmes?"
"Are… are you afraid of me, Anthea?"
"When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest"
"Well, Sir..." The Personal Assistant considered her response. "Yes, and no."
Mycroft then looked at her, eyebrow raised and his gaze questioning.
"What do you mean?"
"I am afraid of Mycroft Holmes the British Government." The woman explained. "I've seen what you're capable of when left no other choice, and why other countries are careful not to bring upon them your wrath. There is no sight more terrifying to behold." She then smiled gently. "But I'm not scared of Mycroft Holmes the Man."
Her boss snorted.
"Of course." Mycroft whispered. "How can you be afraid of something that doesn't exist?"
"Doesn't he, sir?" Anthea asked, her tone provocative. "I would disagree."
"Would you?" He looked doubtful, then shook his proud head. "The man you speak of... Mycroft the Man… he died a long time ago."
"Why would you say that, Sir?"
"There was… no room for him." Came the quiet response. "He was given a chance, and he failed to do what was right."
"I don't believe that, Sir." Anthea stood up and walked up to her Boss's desk. "I think he's still here. Doing his best to protect those he cares about."
"Then he's a fool." Mycroft's voice lowered to a growl. "One that gets carried away by his emotions and feelings." He looked down, avoiding her gaze. "Doesn't he know they will never accept him after what he's done? What he would do again if the situation calls for it?" He was shaking now, Anthea sew it and her heart broke.
"Why doesn't he just stop hoping?"
"Because sometimes… hope is all we have."
"Don't be afraid.
I've taken my beating, I've shed but I'm me
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect but neither have you
So if you're asking me, I want you to know."
"They're right to hate me..." Mycroft spoke softly, absentmindedly toying with a pen. "I don't really understand why you don't."
"Why would I hate you, sir?" she whispered, genuinely curious. "You haven't done anything worth hating you for."
"Look at the records. You'll find you are very much mistaken."
"That was Mycroft the Government." Anthea insisted. "I'm talking about Mycroft the Man."
"Then talk to my parents." He snorted, reaching for a whiskey bottle he kept hidden under his desk. "I'm sure they have a list of everything I ever did wrong, for you to read."
"Whatever they wrote can't be fair to you."
"It is in their eyes."
"Do they also keep a record of every good thing you did?"
He shook his head.
"No."
"Why?"
He chuckled.
"Maybe they don't remember, maybe they don't care." He twisted the cap of the bottle.
"Or maybe I haven't done enough good things to even start a list."
"When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest."
"Now that I cannot believe, sir."
"Hm? Why is that?"
"I've seen you do good things before, Sir."
"Ah but what you saw was Mycroft the Government." He smiled and wagged his finger at her. "What we're discussing is Mycroft the Man. Something I don't believe you had the misfortune of meeting."
She smiled back.
"Oh but I have, Sir."
"Really, now?" He took a long long sip and then wiped his face with his sleeve, completely ignoring proper decorum.
"Yes." Anthea noded.
"When?"
"Not too long ago, in fact." She pretended to polish her nails. "When he met up with those whose family members Eurus killed, and offered whatever help he could give."
She saw his hand tighten around the glass neck.
"I didn't do it to lessen their burden." He lied. "I did it so that I could feel less guilty."
That was a lie, and Anthea knew it.
When was the last time he did anything purely out of selfishness?
She didn't think he remembered that ever occurring.
"You don't have to do this, Sir."
"Do what?"
"Lie to fit their description of you."
"It's not lying if I also think it's true."
"Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are"
"I don't believe you, Sir."
"Does it matter, my dear?" He took another hefty swing of whiskey from his bottle. "It's not like we can exactly tell my parents about how utterly 'wonderful' I was towards all those people."
"Why not?"
"Those families are under level 5 protection." Mycroft slurred, as if that explained everything. "My parents… don't have the clearance to know about them."
"I'm not trying to convince your parents you're not a bad person, Mr. Holmes."
"Then who are you trying to convince?"
"You, Sir."
He laughed.
"Me?"
"Yes, sir."
"Come now, my dear." He chuckled, his entire frame shaking. "Why would you want to do that?"
"Because it is unfair that, after everything you've done for them, they make you feel like an uncaring monster."
He looked up at her, eyes solemn and filled with an acceptance she never saw before.
He poured himself more whiskey and, then watched as the liquid slid across the glass.
"Though I appreciate the... sentient of such an action, it really is unwarranted."
"Why, sir? Why is it okay for you to believe you deserve the pain you get for doing the right thing?"
"When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest."
"Oh, Anthea..." Mycroft shook his head. "You just don't understand..."
"Then please explain this to me, Sir. Because I want to understand."
He sighed and poured himself another glass, even though his hands were shaking and his words slurring.
"This is what I was meant to be. It's what I was trained to do. My uncle has been preparing me for this since I was six years old and I can't believe I-" he cut himself off with another shot.
"You can't believe what, sir?" The PA pressed, once it was clear he wasn't going to continue this discussion on his own.
"...I simply can't believe I'm reacting to all that's happened, so harshly..." He stared into space, unblinking. "I... should be ready for this. This… isn't something I wasn't aware could happen. I... specifically planned for it to be this way, for it to be all my fault in the end."
"Why, Sir?" Her eyes shined with a bit of hope. "Why did you arrange things to end up this way?"
"Because my parents don't deserve to live with the terrible burden of having to lock up one of their children." He took another swing. "It's… it's better if they blame me... instead of themselves."
"Why? Why is it better, Sir?"
"Why?" He laughed. "Anthea I was raised to be a monster."
Mycroft then leaned in his chair.
"Why should they suffer, when everything has been perfectly set up for me to do so, instead?"
"You're not a scapegoat, Sir." The PA insisted. "Your just as much of their child as Sherlock and Eurus are. They should take responsibility for their parental shortcomings, not let you take it in their steed."
He smiled at her.
"Ah but you forget, my dear. I'm not their child..."
His voice dropped to a whisper
"I'm the man who locked up their daughter, and told them she was dead."
"That was Rudolph, not you."
"Ah but you see… they don't hate me for being the one who 'started' this."
He paused.
"They hate me for being the one who didn't have the guts to put an end to it."
"Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are"
AN: Well...here it is, fellas. The longer chapter I promised you lot, last time. Hope it's worth the wait.
All the songs belong to their respective creators: Imagine Dragons, Starset and Linkin Park. I am just using them to add more awesomness to my story :) (Pls don't sue ;-;)