Memory I
Charlie's POV
The impact of smashing glass and choking pressure was what scared Charlie more than the actual crash. She pants slightly, her body already cold and she tries to get her bearings as the adrenaline pumps through her ferociously. She shouldn't have been driving.
The wind whips against her black car as her windows protest after being jarred from the impact of the crash, shuddering and shaking as they try not to break. She tries to see out the flurried window as realizes she hit the ditch.
At least right side up is what she thinks as she forces her brain to start moving, cataloging the deep gash in her right arm from the breaking of her passenger window and the throbbing of her chest from the expanding of the air bag. She fights the panic that's starting to rise in her throat, choking her and desperately she tries to find her phone, clawing around with her left hand and breathing a sigh of relief when she finds it on the floor.
Her screen lights up and she scrolls through her contact list, blowing out a sigh when she locates the number she was looking for.
Headlights is what she sees first in her review mirror as she squints to block the blinding light before they turn off and she waits and then jumps when there's a tap on her window, the flurries outside making her blind to the outside world. The car door opens and he appears, decked out in a thick winter jacket, along with gloves and a winter beanie. Relief whips through her and she's more than relieved to leave this cold car.
She tries to smile up at him but it comes out more like a grimace as the cold and the pain start to set in, her adrenaline quieting slightly at the sight of him.
"Jesus Charlie." Her head spins from the blood loss as she tries to get out of her car and can't.
"I realize the mess I'm in Bass." Wow is she ever woozy. How much blood did I lose? She wonders as she grips him arms tightly.
"Alright, slowly now. Let's get you to my truck." Bass maneuvers her until he has most of his arm around her and then in one motion lifts her to her feet, the pain in her chest leaving her gasping at the motion and she resists the urge to bend in half and throw up.
"Where does it hurt Charlie?" Bass yells, trying to be heard over the roaring winter winds as concern clouds his eyes.
"My chest." She gasps and when he looks like he might carry her, she waves him off. "From the airbag, nothings broken, just bruised."
His mouth forms a tight thin line but he nods at her assessment before helping her walk to his truck, opening the door for her and helping her in.
She wordlessly hands him her car keys and watches with one eye open out the windshield as he makes sure her car is locked before joining her in the truck, his larger body struggling through the flurried winds on his way back.
For a moment they both just sit there, the sounds of the heater blowing hot air the only noise as it sputters occasionally. The wind outside whips harshly around them, floating white specks of snow through the black sky.
Charlie breaks the silence first, brushing her hair back with her hand. "Thank you for coming to get me."
Bass snorts and tilts his head to look at her, worry the main expression before he nods and shifts his truck into gear. She feels the truck slide on the way out of the ditch before finding its bearings to pick up speed, the jolting of the truck uncomfortable but manageable and she breathes a sigh of relief as she feels the steady ground of the highway.
Comfortable silence hang between them now, the faint sounds of the radio playing lightly as Charlie gazes out the passenger window watching the snow turn the land white. Her left hand holds her ribs and she keeps her right arm still, the sharp pain dulled to a ever present throb of heat.
"So what the hell were you doing out on the roads tonight?"
Charlie flinches at the question before a long drawn out sigh leaves her lips. The embarrassment holds itself second to how much the crash frightened her, but defensiveness is a Matheson trait and she can't help when it injects itself into her words. "The storm hit earlier than they predicted and I thought I would make it before the worse of it happened. Obliviously that did not happen."
Fuck her arm hurts
"Commuting this much in the winter isn't safe Charlie, especially since its what- a forty five minute drive each way? That's absurd. You can't keep that up the entire year." He glances at her from the corner of his eye and she keeps staring straight pretending she doesn't notice and he sighs, running a hand through his now hat-less hair. "If this didn't scare you enough to re-think commuting, I hate to see what will scare you." The last part is spoken quietly but is no less true no matter if she wants to admit it.
Charlie's stubborn nature wants to bristle at his words but she knows he's right. The fear of the crash waking her up more than his words. Between dancing twelve hours a day plus the commute, she's so drained she almost fallen asleep at the wheel multiple times. She shudders to think what could have happened if she had fallen asleep.
"Yeah you're right." She sighs and looks at him, right in time to enjoy his look of utter shock at being told he's right by Charlie Matheson.
Bass draws his words out slowly, as though she is a child and he is making sure she understood his point. "I mean move to central Chicago…."
Charlie rolls her eyes. "Yeah I got that, thanks tips."
He throws one hand up in the air at her sarcasm. "I mean we've had this talk before and it did not go at all like this. Forgive me for being surprised you're actually listening to me for once."
Charlie snorts at his "for once" and hold up her hand and starts to tick down her fingers. " I switched from Frosted Flakes to Cinnamon Toast Crunch, bought a fancy coffee maker which I would like to state the coffee beans for that machine are a ridiculous price. And joining the dance company."
Bass acknowledges her declaration with an eye roll but can't keep the smile off his face.
She leans back into his truck seat and groans. "I really do not want to move again. Do remember how much of a pain it was moving this time? With the staircase and that stupid turn at the top where the bathroom is."
"I'll help you move. Again." Bass says it with mostly no sarcasm and she shoots him a smile in appreciation before snorting.
"You think we can get Miles to help move me again?"
The question makes Bass bark out a laugh and shake his head. "Miles would do anything for you, even help you move. Better make sure you have beer though."
She smiles and nestles into the seat, the warmth or bloodloss making her sleepy as the truck evenly bounces over the road.
"And new apartment again. Fuck, I hate apartment hunting. Those realtors are bloodthirsty for a sale." Charlie mumbles, hoping the truck is what is lulling her.
"I'll help you apartment hunt too."
Charlie smiles at him when he says that. "And what's in it for you?"
She watches a pink flush spread up his neck before he clears his throat and shrugs. "I'm assuming some top shelf whiskey."
Charlie watches him for a moment more but he doesn't say anything and she feels uncertain for the first time around him, like there is something going unsaid that she should know about. Of course he doesn't know that once in awhile, the way he smiles or laughs makes her dead stop what she's doing and stare. And he stares back. And for a moment, they are connected, like a invisible chord anchoring her to him.
Like an uncle but not her uncle. Like a older brother but not her brother. Like a friend…. but sometimes she thinks this can't just be friendship. But who wouldn't be this close after spending the entirety of her life together? Foolish is what she feels whenever she starts to think about this, the logical side of her Matheson brain telling her she's reading way too into it and it's pathetic while the other half grips tightly the chord anchoring them together.
Charlie takes a breath, willing her brain to stop pounding as she lightens her voice.
"Now when are you free to-"
"Blood. I smell blood." Bass interrupts her, his head whipping to look at her, his eyes assessing her from head to toe.
"Oh yeah, glass cut my arm during the crash." Charlie mumbles as she gently rolls up her coat sleeve and long sleeve shirt, scrambling when blood gushes over her arm and almost onto his leather seats and she roots around his truck trying to find something to protect his seats.
"Fuck Charlie, leave the fucking seats." His eyes are half on the road, half on her and she watches him run two stop lights, the truck barreling at a furious speed toward his apartment before pressing the cloth of her shirt firmer against the gash.
"Jesus it hasn't even stopped bleeding."
Charlie detects slight panic in Bass's voice but is slightly preoccupied with not passing out. "It wasn't this bad earlier." She breathes, her vision spotty with black dots.
" Charlie Matheson you better not fucking pass out on me."
She would have laughed at the demand if she didn't hear the panic in his voice. It must be pretty bad… he wouldn't panic if it wasn't bad.
"Might not have a choice Bass." She really doesn't want to pass out but it doesn't seem like fate will give her a choice as the dark speckles start to cloud her vision and her stomach rolls.
"C'mon Charlotte, you gotta stay awake for me." His hands stroke through her hair and she leans into the warmth of his palm, smiling at the use of her full name and then stroking his arm with her good hand to soothe the worry she can feel radiating off him.
"It's not your fault." She whispers as darkness closes in around her, her last though the tune of Wagon Wheel that he used to sing to her as a little scared girl. She hears the tune float past her ears as she surrenders to the darkness, his grip tightening on her as she drifts into the dark.
14 months later
Charlie wonders if she has lost her entire damn mind as she drives up the long sleek driveway to her parents place.
The driveway is slicked with melting snow and her little black car slides sideways slightly as she loosens her grip on the steering wheel, forcing the tension in her hand to subside as she arches her neck to look up at the familiar snow covered pine trees on either side of the driveway leading her up to the house.
Nothing has changed.
Everything has changed.
She surveys the line of vehicles parked along the driveway and then slowly pulls in beside a ridiculous black sports car, rolling her vibrant cobalt eyes at whoever figured a sports car would be ideal in winter weather.
The house is lit up to its full extent, making the house glow iridescence under the moonlight and Charlie leans back into her seat with nostalgia of her childhood, the excitement about being home almost overriding her dread of the weekend. The house is unchanged, even after all these years, her parents creatures of routine and habit, never changing something until it broke.
She pulls down the visor and looks into the tiny mirror, making sure her red lipsticks didn't become stuck somewhere else, because of course if that was to happen, it would happen to her. With her lipstick situation under control, she looks grimly at the mansion of a house before opening the door and getting out of the car before the coward in herself allows her to change her mind and leave.
Her heels click obnoxiously loud on the pavement as it echos leading up to the house. Even with all the doors and windows shut, she can hear the energy coming from the house, buzzing in life as the party unfolds having started without her. She's late on purpose and hopes no one will notice her slipping in, after this long away, the last thing she wants is attention on herself with a room of strangers.
The house is warm when she steps into the foyer, warmer than she anticipated and she lets her legs lead her in a familiar way to one of the massive coat closets her parents have, only to find that its jam packed to the brink of its capacity and she scowls in annoyance before moving onto her fathers study. She crouches down outside the huge oak doors to find the spare key under the exquisite Turkish carpet her father laid in front of the door, her fingers nimbly running themselves under the top of the carpet until they reach cool metal and she grins at her success. At least some things will never change.
She looks around behind her to make sure no one else is around before unlocking the door and going in, closing the door quickly behind her.
Home.
If there's a room in this house that most makes her think of home, this is it. Everything looks the same despite her not having seen it in awhile. The smell, the warmth, the sharp dark hardwood floors covered in random rugs, some shaggy, some not. The sharp edges of his desk and the unlit fire place make her want to stay in this room for the remainder of the evening, but that would be too easy. And easy is never the way for Charlie.
She sighs and hears it echo lightly through the large room before she shrugs off her jacket and lays it folded slightly over a grand wing back chair. Her hands smooth down her golden hair and shimmering navy dress, the abundance of nerves catching her off guard.
Without thinking about it any longer she forces herself to leave her fathers study and make the walk to the sitting room, the buzz of laughter and voices making her walk taller, her shoulders falling back in forced ease as the buzz raises in volume until it's right in front of her. If she could pick a cliche Christmas movie and live it, that's what she feels like she's walking into.
Lights sparkle by the hundreds, the entire room shining in gold under the lights as decorations in a multitude of colors glimmer with shine. Hundreds of pearly white glittered snowflakes hang from the ceiling as though they were about to fall on the crowd as the classical music raises in volume during its crescendo.
Charlie hugs the wall to her right inside the room and leans against it, taking it all in as though she's seeing one of her parents Christmas parties for the first time. It never ceases to amaze her the length her parents will go to make Christmas magical.
"Fuck is this what you call dressed up?"
Charlie doesn't look over to the voice but a smile lights up her face as she crosses her arms across her chest and gives an unladylike snort.
"Well I look better than you, but then again, that's not very hard."
She hears the voice beside her choke on their drink and she rolls her eyes over to them and gives them a signature Charlie grin full of sass and fuck you.
"Fucking whiskey burns coming back up." Her uncle Miles says looking at her with a half blame half amused look.
Charlie shrugs, her lips still turned up in amusement. "Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers."
Now it's her uncles turn to snort as he shakes his head in laughter before throwing an arm around her and pulling her close. He smells like cigarettes and top shelf whiskey and she hugs him back, soaking up the familiarity.
"How was the drive up here?" Miles asks, taking a large gulp of whiskey and turning them back to crowd gaze together.
"Not as terrible as I thought. Drove past a couple accidents but made it in one piece. I always forget how long the drive is now that I don't live in central Chicago. Now it takes fucking forever to get anywhere."
Miles gives her a unreadable look and she forces herself not to squirm under the appraising look.
"You sure moved out of your place quickly."
Charlie internally cringes at his statement and forces lightness that she doesn't feel into her voice.
"You know me, can't ever stay in one place for too long."
Miles falls silent again looking at her and she wonders if he had ever come to accept what happened. God knows she hasn't. But Charlie Matheson is never a whiner. Charlie Matheson takes it to the gut and keeps going because she's a tough as nails Matheson and she'll be damned if she's the soft one in the family.
"I'm fine Miles, I've moved on with my life. I'll be glad to see him if he came with you."
Her uncles continues his probing stare for another moment before signing and shrugging. "I just wanted to be sure."
Charlie forces a smile as she looks up at him, and rubs his arm hoping to displace some of the concern on his face.
"I'm going get something strongly alcoholic before I throw up from all this Christmas cheer." She says, pretend gagging as she watches the concern leave his face.
"Maybe say hello to your parents too?" his voice makes it more of an order than a question.
Charlie fake groans at his words but then smiles and nods. "Yeah I will Miles, that is stop number uno. Now please stop worrying about me and go enjoy the party, I'll find you after I've made a round of the room. And maybe pace yourself," she nods towards his whiskey glass, "I know its been a bit since you've seen me, but we would hate for me to out drink you so easily."
'
This time Miles snort is humor filled and he rolls his eyes.
"Sure kid, like that will happen."
Charlie laughs gently and then extracts herself from his embrace to find herself a drink, finding the bar in her eyesight easily. Thank god that her parents are creatures of habit.
It takes a few moments for the bartender to spot her at the end of the bar and she orders by habit, knowing her parents stocked the bar to her liking.
"Whiskey on ice please."
With her order in, Charlie takes a deep breath and starts contemplating her next steps. She's looking forward to finding her parents, the crowd around them not so much. She scans the vast room and spots her father chatting with his friends, decked out in a muted green dress shirt and dark corduroy pants as he cradles a frosted glass, his head thrown back into laughter at something someone said. Charlie smiles wistfully at the belly laugh her father has as his laugh echoes through massive room, filling the room with unencumbered warmth. A moment later Charlie spots her mother approach her father and whisper something into his ear that turns his ears pink and Charlie rolls her eyes at her parents display of affection in front of everyone. Her mother looks beautiful, decked out in festive red, her dress modest and simple, the layers of tulle around her waist making her look like magic in a room of possibilities. Her mothers hair slips slightly from its tight updo and Charlie watches her father push back the loose strand behind her mothers ear as she beams at him as though he is the brightest light at the party.
Charlie's drink arrives and she loosely wraps her hands around the cold glass and continues to survey her parents as though she is the adult indulging them and their antics. Charlie knows she would be more than lucky to have a marriage like her parent, their entire beings simply fitting together as seamlessly as though they were made for one another. Special like the universe had hand picked them for each other.
The envy is the harder pill to swallow as she watches them, her father shifting slightly to allow her mother better into his embrace as the circle widens for her to join the group, her hand touching his in familiarity as she turns her charming smile to the group. Envy is not a good look on many and that includes Charlie as she pushes the feeling to the back of her mind to be dealt with after the holidays when the pill will be slightly less bitter.
At that moment her mother spots her and screeches her name across the room, causing Charlie to groan in embarrassment, pink spots blooming on her cheeks as heads turn to see who her mother is calling. She shifts her weight off the bar and with her drink in hand, makes her way over to her parents, her stride even and long in heels as habit takes over her body. Getting closer Charlie can see the color in her parents face and has to hide the smirk of feeling like a parent catching their child drunk, her mothers hands wildly waving as Charlie approaches as though anyone could ignore her and her flailing hands.
Her father is the first one she hugs, his hug like his laugh, a vigorous, warm bear hug that envelopes her like the study did. He smells like gin and familiar aftershave and she leans back to see his face fully, his broad face widening in a grin splitting smile at seeing her.
"Hi Papa."
He reaches down and pulls her in for another hug, savoring the moment of her being home before pulling back again.
"Hi Starlight, how are you? How was the drive here? Have you eaten anything?"
Charlie chokes back a laugh at the rapid fire questions and answers in the same order they were asked.
"I'm good Papa. The drive was long but bearable, probably should've left earlier with everyone travelling for Christmas but I survived. I haven't but I'm sure I'll find food somewhere-"
Her mother breaks up her sentence with a bone crushing hug that almost knocks the wind out of Charlie.
"Hi Mama, what are you-"
"I'm so glad you're home Charlie."
Her breath smells like cinnamon, rum and cloves and Charlie can tell she's almost half cut, with the party having just started and Charlie tries to contain a laugh at the lack of control her mother gets when she's around spiked apple cider.
"Maybe we should get you some water Mama."
Charlie moves to flag down one of the many servers making their way through the room but her mother stops her with a hand on her arm. "Pft I'm fine. It's Christmas time, I'll drink water when the holidays over."
Charlie hears the group around them chuckle and relaxes slightly. She can do this, she's done it for years.
"Did you bring your bag inside?"
She glances at her father as he asks and she shakes her head. "I left it in my car, I'll grab it before I drink too much." She winks at her father and is about to tell him about the ridiculous drive she made to get here when her mother screeches over her in her half cut wild way.
"Miles Matheson, Sebastian Monroe, where do you think you're going?!"
'Out to smoke part of a joint' is Charlie's first thought but the thought quickly dissolves into dread as she hears two sets of footsteps approach instead of running away. She tilts her head and lets her hair obscure her face as she moves to slide out of the group quietly, making herself small as she can.
Not now. Please god not now.
A firm hand grips Charlie's shoulder and she resists the strong urge to smack the hand away as she recognizes her mothers grip as her cidered mother steers her easily back into the fold and Charlie keeps her eyes on the ground, hoping to not draw attention to herself.
"And where are you two off to?"
"Who says we're going anywhere Rachel?"
Miles's voice is laced with innocence which would work if it wasn't Miles Matheson.
Rachel scoffs and Charlie's father chuckle beside her.
"What are you laughing at Ben?"
Silky smooth whiskey voice pours over Charlie and she screws her eyes shut hard and shakes her head to displace the feeling growing in her gut. Longing or dread, she's no longer sure.
Charlie's father laughs again and this time its full and hearty. "Oh I'm just thinking of the time our parents found out we had drank half a bottle of their nice whiskey and who's idea it was to refill the missing portion with apple juice."
Miles cuts in with no defense at all to who thought it would be a good idea. "To be fair, he didn't know apple juice would mold."
"Wow okay, just blaming it all on me now hey?" The voice is half choked in defense half in laughter and Charlie moves to leave the group behind her mother again.
"Bass, look who's home!"
Rachel steers Charlie back around and settles her hand around her shoulders so she has no choice but to look at him, her shoulders tightening as her back straightens and her chin lifts to hold herself high.
She sees his surprise in the way his hand tightens on the glass tumbler in his hand and his eyebrows knit together before his expressions clears to the appropriate amount of interest. Charlie forces a beaming smile to her face, a sour taste in her mouth as she dips her head slightly in a gesture she knows he likes as she holds the glass in her hand steady.
"Hi Sebastian," her voice lilts oh so causally, "how are you?"
She sees his mouth tighten in a tell tale sign that he doesn't appreciate her using his full name and she feels the petty victory in her gut as she holds his eyes with hers, ocean blue against cobalt blue.
"Hello Charlotte. I didn't know you'd be coming." He shoots a murderous look towards Miles who conveniently looks away to be fascinated by the sparkling decorations. " Miles said you couldn't get away for the holidays."
"Oh," she waves her hand as though dismissing such a ridiculous notion, "I couldn't miss Christmas now could I?"
She shifts slightly and her mothers arm falls away as she becomes distracted by the person beside her and Charlie lifts her glass to her lips to take a hopefully nerve calming sip, her eyes never leaving the man in front of her as she watches him copy her.
The crowd gathered around them seems oblivious to the daggers Sebastian is shooting Miles and Miles pretends he doesn't see them as he rubs his hands together before clapping them. "Well who needs another drink?"
The group murmurs an agreement as they start to disperse and Charlie feels the strain between her and Bass as everyone leaves, the chord anchoring her to him so loose, she can barely feel him anymore. She makes a move to leave him here drinking his whiskey, her skin itchy and hot from the sizzling hurt she can't seem to swallow, even after so many months.
"Did you come with Miles?" he asks her, his index finger tapping the glass in a unnoticed reflex as he interrupts her departure as though he doesn't feel the strain and hurt she feels, and pride makes her swallow bile as she places a smile on her face to answer.
"No," Charlie searches for Miles in the crowd of people and finds him talking to one of her fathers friends, his hands gesturing wildly to coordinate the story he's trying to tell. "He offered but I figured he didn't need to drive the extra hour and half to pick me up and get out of the city."
There's silence as the unspoken words hang between them that in another life, he would have picked her up, his truck smelling of pine and car cleaner as they made the drive with laughter and familiarity hanging between them.
"Did you come with him?" She asks, mainly to be polite as she fights the urge to fidget under his gaze.
He shakes his head and takes another long sip before answering.
"I had to work late so I took my car here."
Charlie nods, barley hearing him and the silence between them extends until Sebastian clears his throat. "Miles didn't mention you would be coming this year."
She shrugs and folds one arm under the arm holding her drink, as though that would protect her from him. "I told him I wasn't sure if I was coming." The words 'if you were coming' hang between them before she continues. "But I decided to leave the studio early. Besides, this is my home. And it's Christmas."
And this was his home and every Christmas she's ever had has been with him.
Hurt is what simmers to the surface first as she studies his face. The lines around his eyes are etched deeper than she remembers, and his hair longer than before. The golden locks firmly curled in disarray that would be charming if it didn't leave her nauseated by the familiarity of it all. He takes a step towards her and she resists the urge to step back, her head tilting back to look at him. With her heels on, she was only half a foot shorter than him and she refuses to shrink for someone.
Bass lowers his voice as he comes closer, the hand not holding his glass shoved into his pocket. "I'm sorry if this is uncomfortable Charlotte."
Charlie blanks her expression and tilts her head, her glass steadily rising to her lips as she takes a sip of melted ice and whiskey before speaking, her voice quiet but clear. "Forget about it Sebastian. I have."
Something along the lines of hurt flickers in his eyes and for a moment Charlie can't help her simmering anger as it reaches the surface, her jaw clenching as her hand grips the glass tight enough to feel the edges dig into her palm.
He recoils at the look on her face and surprise takes over his features and she fights the temptation to slap him as she sets her glass down. Her teeth grind together almost painfully, her hands shaking at the audacity as if he was the hurt party here.
"I need some air." She manages to say through clenched teeth before she walks away, the bewildered look on his face making her stomach roil as though he had no idea what he had done to her. She tries not to stumble as her feet carry her quickly into the foyer of her parents house, her feet pausing for a moment before the lure of the winter air gets her. She takes a big breath to stop the sudden onslaught of tears as she heads outside, not hearing the footsteps hurrying after her.
Hello everyone! Long time no….. write? Did Taylor Swifts 10 minute All Too Well version come out? Yup. Did I have to write a fanfic to it? Yup. Honestly the song made me think of being back to the young age of 22 and being in a somewhat similar situation with an age gap relationship and trying so hard for nothing in return. Now obliviously, this fanfic will not be that bleak, but the song has been on repeat for me since it came out and I needed to put the feelings I had into words. The feelings of desperation, longing and hurt.. Hopefully I do a good job.
Thank you for reading, reviews are loved! Xx