THIS PART IS A PARODY FOR APRIL FOOLS
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Legends. Stories scattered through time. Mankind has grown quite fond of recounting the exploits of heroes and villains, forgetting so easily that we are remnants, byproducts, of a forgotten past.
Man, born from dust, was strong, wise, and resourceful, but he was born into an unforgiving world. An inevitable darkness — creatures of destruction — the creatures of Grimm - set their sights on man and all of his creations. These forces clashed, and it seemed the darkness was intent on returning man's brief existence to the void.
However, even the smallest spark of hope is enough to ignite change, and in time, man's passion, resourcefulness, and ingenuity led them to the tools that would help even the odds. This power was appropriately named "Dust".
Nature's wrath in hand, man lit their way through the darkness, and in the shadow's absence came strength, civilization, and most importantly, life.
But even the most brilliant lights eventually flicker and die. And when they are gone... darkness will return...
It was a quiet evening in the Kingdom of Vale, A lone figure was walking down the city's streets.
He was cool, respected, and awesome. His hair was the manliest color imagineable. His muscles were the most macho in all the land, acknowledged by even the most macho background machos there were. Even that man acknowledged his machoness. His clothes were nothing but the sexiest drip he could find that matched with his one of a kind scarf made from his adoptive dad's skin, but not in a dark, edgy way.
As he made his way down the street, he heard the sound of glass shattering and gun shots.
Picking up the pace, he made a quick turn around the street corner and was rather startled by what he saw.
"Wow, bet no one's ever seen this kind of scene before.
He was greeted by the sight of a young girl sporting a red cloak and a massive double bladed scythe an entire foot taller than her, surrounded by a group of men in black and red suits wielding firearms.
She had short dark black hair with red highlights, and her red and black skirt gently waved in the wind. The moonlight reflected off of her striking silver eyes. The girl was quite tiny actually. Petite would be the more polite way to put it. Her face was a cross between pretty and cute. An unoriginal would say she was pretty cute, yet the way the pretty cute girl handled her weapon seemed to imply she wasn't so innocent as she seemed.
But his eyes focused in on the figure in front of her. He had shocking orange hair slicked over his eyes with a black bowler on top. He wore a white coat over a tacky outdated suit. He carried a cane in he hand and a cigar in his mouth.
"Okay..." said the man in white with an irritated tone, "Get he- OH GOD, MY LEGS!"
His legs were now bent at a funny angle.
"Kneel before me!" A man with pink hair stood behind the potentially crippled criminal, an evil, horrendous grin on his face.
"Hold up!"
"What? You're interrupting the story!"
"Who the hell are you calling cool and respected? You just crippled a guy and told people to kneel before you, you were just a menace, weren't you?"
"Pfft, he was gonna shoot a kid, that means whatever I do to stop him is completely justif-"
The pink haired man took out the other mooks with a glorious breath of fire that lit up the entire city-
and also melted a part of it, costing millions in citizen's tax money.
"What the fuck!?"
"Ha! They still haven't repaired it!"
"Why are you proud of that!?"
"Shut up and hear the rest of the story! Now where was I, ah right, I was-"
The scythe weilding girl named Ruby Rose darted up to the heroic savior with glee, like a child to a stranger offering free candy. "That was awesome, you took out like five goons like it was nothing!"
The humble handsome lad known as Natsu Dragneel responded back with a kind smile. "No no, I saw you fighting earlier." He pointed at her, "You are the real hero here."
It would be the start of a lifelong friendship.
Unfortunately, this night was getting boring real quick, so naturally, something needed to happen in order to spice things up.
"Little baby sister~! Where are you~! Kinda worried you're wandering around a city at night with known criminals going around robbing people!" said someone with the voice of an angel.
A young woman with looks and curves that would make Aphrodite commit genocide came into the picture. Her golden hair elegantly cascaded down her body. Clever purple eyes took in the surroundings. She was obviously a mature woman of reason and compassion.
Mook number 2 was still conscious and breathing, so he took his shot. "That guy's trying to kidnap that little girl and give her drugs cigarettes, and alcohol!"
Natsu turned to stare at Mook number 2, "Whoa, you're still alive? Coulda sworn ya bit the bucket th- AH MY FACE!"
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BABY SISTER!" Yang Xiao Long asked calmly.
"Yay, a fight!"
"Wait, was that-"
"Yup, she was quite the gal, let me tell you. We were shaking the city all night long."
"...In a fight, right?"
"What else?"
"Uh... never mind. So you had a whole fight instead of explaining that it was a misunderstanding?"
"Where's the fun in that? This is the problem with you kids, nowadays."
Natsu Dragneel and Yang Xiao Long collapsed on the ground, panting heavily, there skin warm and sweaty.
"W-wow... that was amazing..."
"Yeah~, you really gave me a pounding there."
Ruby chimed in, "And I watched without saying that the shady guy was lying."
Yang pinched her sister's cheek and lifted her off the ground, "What?"
"Am I young and cute enough to get away with this?" Ruby questioned.
"Did us beating the shit out of each other make us friends?" Natsu eloquently added.
"Am I getting away!?" said the criminal mastermind known as Roman Torchwick, who managed to crawl away during the fight in spite of his broken legs.
"""Bowler Hat guy!"""
Torchwick had gotten into a helicopter, piloted by Azul- by a mysterious woman with black hair and amber eyes. She left the piloting to Roman and hurled a fireball at the trio down in the streets.
With no way to block the deadly attack, the were forced to scatter. Thankfully, a sexy librarian intervened and blocked the unblockable attack with a force field before pushing up her glasses.
The witc- the huntress shot a purple light into the sky above the airship and a storm manifested. Shards of ice descended from the cloud piercing the ship.
The young woman in red appeared in the side hatch. She took stock of the situation and seemed awfully relaxed. The sleeves on her dress burned revealing embedded Dust. She activated the Dust with her aura and cast a fireball at the huntress.
This time the boy jumped in the fray and quickly swallowed the flames before they could do any harm.
Firmly planting his feet into the ground he took a deep breath before unleashing a stream of fire from his mouth at the airship.
Her eyes widening, the women fired several blasts from her hands trying to push back the flames. But the boy had created another ball of fire before hurling it at the airship with the intention to destroy it.
Roman, being somewhat clever, tilted the ship and managed to divert the flames off the hull of the ship.
The airship was offered a brief respite and begun to turn away.
The girl, not willing to let these crooks get away, transformed her scythe into a more compact shape that allowed her to use its embedded rifle more accurately. She charged the bolt before firing, but the young woman aboard the ship was able to block each shot. She then cast a ring of fire around both the girl and the huntress.
The huntress threw the girl out of harm's way with her telekinesis before barely escaping herself. The boy ate the aftermath of the explosion.
"Damn, it's getting away!"
"If only we could stop it!"
"But how!?"
"Yeah, but it's a helicop- wait a minute," Yang paused. "I feel like this shouldn't be that hard. Natsu, try breathing fire at it, but this time, give it your A game."
"How is that going to work?" Natsu questioned, but he did it anyways.
Somehow, the fire that accidentally destroyed a part of the city managed to damage the helicopter and make it crash to the ground. The bad guy's escape was miraculously prevented.
A woman walked out of the wreckage, "I didn't expect one of you to develop such a cunning strategy. Well done. Too bad you've doomed yourselves." She launched a deadly bolt of flames at the group.
Natsu ate the fire, "Now I possess a combustion product in my digestive tract!"
"You ate the fire! Impossible!" The woman known as Cinder Fall yelled.
Natsu D. Ladies Man Dragneel grinned proudly, "I was raised by a fire dragon that teached me how to eat fire to make myself absurdly stronger."
"Oh, is that all?" Cinder sneered. "I can shoot fire at people and even fly sometimes. You're no match for me."
"That doesn't sound like a fair fight at all."
"Nonsense, once fought this bloke named Ace. Strongest pirate I ever met, also used fire."
"But-"
"It was a close fight. Could've gone either way. It was over this piece of chicken, which might seem like a weird reason to fight to the death, but it was really good chicken."
Cinder was sprawled on the ground, every bone in her body broken.
"Damn, that fight was close." Yang commented, a bowl of popcorn in her arms.
"Yeah, thought she had you there with that glass arrow. Figured you'd die and be brought back as a bad guy." Ruby sat on Yang's lap and ate the popcorn.
The huntress known as Glynda Goodwitch nodded, "Indeed. I don't know how you managed it. She was a considerable threat."
"Very well done young man, I see potential in you." Here walked a grey haired man who wore an old-fashioned, but still stylish, three-piece emerald green suit. He had blacked out glasses that sat low on his nose, and carried a mug in one hand and a plate of large chocolate chip cookies in the other. "Who here wants cookies?"
"Sugar!" The little girl who would most certainly get cavities darted in and ate the whole plate in one bite, nearly taking off the old man's hand.
"My name is Ozpin, you can trust me, want to join my school and learn how to fight monsters?"
Natsu raised an eyebrow, "I already know how to fight. Why would I ever go to school? That's lame. You're lame."
"Does your school have a stripper with ice powers and sick dance moves that I'll fight on a daily basis?"
"Well, no."
"Then screw you old man."
"Come o~n. Pretty please?"
"Well that changes things. I'll drop all my personal goals to go along with whatever you're scheming."
Ozpin chugged down his mug filled with expresso and dust, "Fantastic, you'll be great at fighting my immortal ex wife!"
"Wut?"
"That... kind of came out of nowhere."
"Haha, wait till you meet your uncle."
"I have an uncle?"
"You had an uncle."
And so after months of training at school, Natsu Dragneel was finally ready. He had learned how to...
He had made sorta friends and went on a mini adventure or two.
He was ready.
Natsu cleverly set every Grimm he saw on fire, leaving them to spread the fire more and roast all the other Grimm as well.
Then he ran into a really ripped blond guy watering flowers while a dog nipped at his ankle.
He kinda burned his flowers, so they got into a fight that shook the island.
And sunk the island as well. With nothing better to do, the man who turned out to be Yang and Ruby's dad trained the boy in the art of hitting things until they stop moving. He was a prodigy at it.
He departed from the man he called his teacher and almost father figure in search of an immortal witch to slay.
Somehow, he ran into a Yang's really hot twin sister, who actually turned out to be her mom. She trained him how to cut things up really fast with a katana in exchange for doing "favors" for her.
After two months of nonstop hunting down the fabled Kirei route of Fate Stay Night, limited edition figurines, and a Wakatsuki body pillow, the young man finally managed to satiate the sinful woman's unholy desires.
Given the rather stressful time he went through, he figured he deserved a drink at the pub. After about a dozen barrels of beer and rum, he got into a fist fight with a bird and learned the drunken fist technique.
The alcohol ended up exploding due to his flames and he was sent hurtling across the continents, landing in a dark, gloomy castle.
Now, he would finally face the evil, unbeatable witch, Salem. It would be a perilous clash for the ages.
Zanka no Tachi X Dragon Shot X Blastcore X Drunken Fist X Purgatory Fist
Her body was vaporized a billion times over. The dragon slayer grabbed her stunned undead body and threw her into the sun.
"You were awesome, Salem. You were too strong. That's why you lost."
The battle was over, he had won
Now he had to conquer the greatest battle of them all.
Love.
"Oh, you've got to be shitting me."
"Yup, this is how you were made. No need to thank me."
"Urgghh, I didn't ask for this."
"You'll thank me when you make kids of your own."
"After therapy."
Cool and respected as he was, even the macho Dragneel wasn't ready for this. His 10 pack abs clenched with nervousness.
Flowers were clutched in his hand. He'd fallen in love with the fiery woman since the moment he'd met her.
"Mereoleona, will you marry me?"
She punched him through the moon, then kissed him, then smacked his cheeks, and kissed him with tongue. Then they made a baby.
The end.
"And that is how I married your mother."
"I hate you, Dad."
Thank you all for reading. I've been working on this story with a lot of passion for quite a while, so I'm glad I was able to give it the ending it deserved. Have a happy day and trust nobody.