AN: Here we are, another piece to this one.
I hope you enjoy! Please don't forget to let me know what you think!
111
Raffi took a draw on the vaporizer. Deanna Troi-Riker, who mostly used the name Troi as readily as B'Elanna reverted to Torres, had indicated that she had no problem with the use of snake leaf, and Raffi took her at her word. Troi had invited Raffi to sit, and she was going about her business in her office—lighting candles and sweet smelling incense, and humming something softly that wasn't related to the atmospheric music that played very quietly.
Troi set the small table in front of Raffi with a tea set. The tea that she'd selected smelled aromatic, and Raffi wanted it, even though some part of her brain seemed to feel belligerent and like it wanted to refuse any and every kindness that the counselor offered her.
Troi sat down and smiled gently at Raffi.
"Veria root tea," she said. "It's something of a comfort beverage on Betazed."
Raffi tensed without reason. Even she recognized that her response was without reason. It was, she was certain, only owing to her heightened sense of self-preservation and the need for vigilance. Still, she recognized that the defensive part of herself was driving at the moment.
"Some kind of mind-altering drug, no doubt?"
Troi smiled and laughed quietly. Either because she wanted to prove something to Raffi, or because she had nothing to prove at all, she broke etiquette and served herself tea from the pot of hot liquid. The tea was a pretty, albeit somewhat unusual color, and she sipped it before she selected a small sandwich for herself from the variety of snacks she'd put on the table.
"If you'll excuse me," she said, "I gave up my lunch to meet with you and accommodate your schedule—since you require clearance to return to duty tomorrow, and you hadn't bothered to schedule with me before." She shrugged her shoulders. "I didn't think that you'd necessarily be so very against mind-altering substances, but Veria root is hardly psychedelic in nature. It induces calmness, and it's believed to help open the mind and the senses. It's—soothing. It has little more effect than that. It's much like the snake leaf that you seem fond of, but without the nasty side-effect of paranoia."
Raffi did not use snake leaf as regularly as she once had. She didn't even use it daily. Now, watching Troi calmly sip her tea and select snacks for herself from the tray of food, Raffi wondered if some of her tension—because she knew it certainly didn't account for all of it—came from the snake leaf.
"Could I serve you a cup? Feel free to refuse, of course. I'm sensing a great deal of aggression from you, Commander Musiker. Is that just directed at me, or…"
"I guess I'm wondering what kind of confession Starfleet is expecting their pet Betazoid to drag out of me," Raffi said. As soon as she said it, it made her stomach ache. Raffi put down the vaporizer and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Shit—I'm sorry. I didn't mean that…and that's not who I am."
Troi laughed quietly. She put down her cup and poured tea into the cup she'd set for Raffi. She offered it to Raffi.
"We are all, at times, not ourselves," Troi said. "And—there have been times when I have very much felt like Starfleet's pet Betazoid, as you said. Of course, you probably know that Starfleet has a preference for Betazoids in the role of counselor. Of course, I'm only half-Betazoid, so I am much more limited as a counselor than some of my colleagues. I can still sense your aggression, however, and I'm simply curious as to if I've done something to personally offend you."
Raffi offered her thanks for the teacup that she was offered. She felt sorrier for what she'd said than she could express with words. Troi gave her a soft smile and a sympathetic expression.
"You don't have to apologize," Troi assured her. "I've suffered no lasting damage."
"I'm not angry with you," Raffi said.
"I'm happy to hear that," Troi said. "I mean that. Of course—this anger feels deeper, if you don't mind my saying, than some simple offense."
"What exactly is it that Starfleet expects from this conversation?" Raffi asked.
"Starfleet has no expectation for this conversation," Troi responded. "They'll get nothing from this conversation other than my clearance."
"Am I supposed to apologize for what I did to that Nerobian?" Raffi asked.
Troi sipped her tea. She hummed to herself.
"I sense this is an area of great concern for you, and I would love to explore it—and anything else—with you in detail. However, let me be clear. I am simply supposed to make sure that you are emotionally stable enough to perform the duties of First Officer of this ship."
"And I'm not doing a very good job of impressing you," Raffi said with a laugh. "I am so bad at this…"
"Because you don't believe in counseling, or…?" Troi asked. The question was clearly genuine. Whatever the specific limitations she had as a half, rather than a full, Betazoid, she wasn't kidding about the inability to read Raffi's mind at the moment.
Raffi found that she wanted to talk to Troi. She wanted to tell her what was on her mind—and she wasn't sure if it was the tea, or Troi herself, that made her feel that way.
"This tea…"
"You enjoy it?" Troi asked.
"Is it supposed to make me open up to you?" Raffi asked with a laugh.
"Veria root makes you open up to yourself," Troi said. "What you share with me is up to you. Let me relieve some of your tension. I am not telepathic. Well—not entirely. In the interest of full disclosure, I can connect with my mother, and I can sometimes communicate with Will, my Imzadi, on a somewhat telepathic level. I can't read your mind. I can only feel your emotions."
"I believe in counseling," Raffi said. "I do. I know that B'Elanna finds talking to you therapeutic. I know that, when Seven comes back from a session with you, she seems to have put down so many burdens. I want that."
"I am here to listen," Troi assured her. "I will even promise not to offer advice, unless you want it."
"I have too much…shit…to even know where to start," Raffi said. "It's why I've avoided counseling for so long…"
"You're afraid that I'll tell you that you have too much to deal with?" Troi asked. "You're afraid that I'll tell you that you're…broken? That you…can't be fixed?"
Raffi's stomach tightened. She laughed nervously to herself. Open to herself or not, she felt her eyes tingle with tears that she held back.
"I thought you couldn't read my mind," Raffi said.
"I can't," Troi said. "But—I believe there are more of us who know what it is to feel broken than we sometimes acknowledge. I can't fix you, Commander Musiker, because there's nothing in need of repair. I can try to help you feel better, though."
"Raffi," Raffi said.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Raffi. I prefer to be called—Raffi. Especially if we're going to sit and share tea, and…I'm going to tell you everything that makes me feel like I can't breathe."
"Deanna," Troi offered.
Raffi smiled at her and nodded her head.
"I don't know where you start," Raffi said.
"Start by knowing that you're not going to say something that's going to make you lose your clearance or your commission," Troi said. "I can sense what I need to sense to know that you have nothing so extreme concealed. Tell me what's on your mind."
Raffi smiled to herself.
"My mind is—a wild place, you know?" She made eye contact with the black-eyed woman. Troi smiled at her. "Of course, you know. You can feel all of it."
"I feel a great deal of emotions," Troi confirmed. "But—that's true of nearly everyone, when I let my guard down around them."
"I have been so happy," Raffi said. "I am so happy." Troi smiled, as though she felt that happiness just as Raffi did, a feeling rushing through her when she allowed it to take over and push out any lingering negativity. "I love my life, just as it is at this moment. I have an incredible wife…I love her more than I thought it was possible for me to ever love. I would say again, but this love? This love is on a different level than anything I've ever known before."
"Your Imzadi," Troi said with a smile. "Your beloved."
Raffi nodded. She thanked Troi for the tissues that she offered her. She thought about apologizing for the tears, but decided against it.
"She makes me feel like I'm enough, you know? Just—enough. I've never been enough for anyone before. Even more than that, she makes me feel like…I'm so much more to her."
"I don't think I'm breaching too much confidentiality to say that I'm certain you are," Troi offered. Raffi smiled at that.
"And we have Elnor," Raffi said. "And he's—he's not really our son, but…it feels like he is. It feels like we're a real family."
"You are," Troi said. "We are free to define what family means for each of us."
"And we're having a baby," Raffi said. She smiled. "A little girl. And we can't see her, because her nanonannies are so protective of her that they don't like the imaging energy, and they always block it, but we know she's healthy and beautiful…and we've even confirmed our participation in the data collection for our next little one, just as soon as Seven has medical clearance for it. Deanna—when I tell you that my life is so much better than I thought it could be…it's an understatement."
"I can feel the happiness," Troi assured her. "But—there is something that interferes with your peace."
"I am…terrified…to lose it," Raffi said. She wondered, suddenly, if the tea did have some property to help with opening up.
"That's natural," Troi said. "We all fear losing what makes us happy."
"I've lost so much before," Raffi said. "I've—ruined so much. I've ruined lives…lives that I never would have chosen to ruin."
"Whose life do you fear having ruined?" Troi asked. "If you don't wish to tell me, you're not required."
"My husband's life," Raffi said. "My son's. Gabe."
Troi put her cup down. She gently took Raffi's and placed it on the table. At first, Raffi wondered if it was some way to say that the tea had done its job and, maybe, that it had done it a bit too well. Then, she realized what was happening. Troi took Raffi's hands in her own. She folded their hands together. Raffi had a strange sensation, and she wondered if there was a bit more to Betazoids than she'd been led to believe before. Of course, she was willing to admit that her personal experiences had taught her that there was a great deal more to Klingons and Borg, in particular, than she'd been taught by the somewhat shallow classifications in the anthologies of species, so perhaps someone had missed the mark on Betazoids, as well.
Raffi felt a peace pushing at the stirred-up anguish in her mind, and it untangled the knot in her chest a bit. She thought she could feel some kind of comfort—like warmth in her veins—radiating out from the gentle touch of their hands.
Troi shook her head gently and held Raffi's eyes.
"I don't believe that you've ruined any life," Troi said. "Perhaps, the most lasting damage you've caused is to yourself. But—you're allowed to heal from that. You don't have to reopen your own wounds in self-flagellation forever. If others feel their lives have been ruined, they have a responsibility to seek what they need to make their lives what they wish them to be. You're allowed to enjoy your happiness."
"What if I hurt Seven, and our baby, and Elnor?"
"We all hurt each other sometimes," Troi said. "I have yet to meet a species where that isn't true. I even include synthetic life forms in that, and the Borg." She smiled at Raffi. "You are allowed to be human. I give you permission for that, if nobody else has. I hope it carries you until you're able to forgive yourself for your humanity."
Raffi felt profoundly thankful for that, as silly as it might seem. Troi's expression and her nod told Raffi that the thanks were communicated without the need for words.
"I—cut the hand off the Nerobian," Raffi said. "And I am not sorry. He was…hurting Seven. He would have killed her. He would have taken her and my daughter away from me. He would have broken my family, and destroyed our future, and…he would have ruined my life, if he hadn't killed me outright. He would have hurt Elnor, by extension. I took his hand…or paw…or whatever the fuck it was. And I would have taken the other, too. I have no regret, and I am not apologetic, and I cannot be sorry—not for Starfleet or anyone. You would have done the same. I've met your husband. I've seen how much you love each other. And Kestra? She's…so full of life. If he'd threatened that...to take both of them from you, you would have done the same."
She saw unmistakable tears glisten in Troi's eyes as she absorbed what Raffi felt and, maybe, as she felt her own feelings from imaging a situation with her own family. A couple of tears escaped, but Troi didn't release her hands to wipe them away. She nodded.
"I lost my sons," Troi told her. "Ian and Thad. Completely. From different circumstances…they both died. I couldn't fight against what took either of them from me. In your place—I think that anyone would have done the same. Nobody faults you for that. Not even Starfleet, really."
"If you have to tell them I'm dangerous…then I would understand," Raffi said. "Because, I promise you that I would do that again, without hesitation. I don't care about the species. I'm not going to let someone hurt my family. Not if I can stop it. If that makes me unfit to be the First Officer…"
Troi laughed.
"I think—on a ship full of families, like this one, you'll find there are a great number of women, of many, varying species, who would say the same thing without hesitation. If anything, it makes you a better choice to lead us, not a lesser choice. There is little as ferocious, in any species, as a mother protecting her children and, I would argue, even a woman protecting anyone she loves. Even Betazoids will fight to the death for what they love."
Raffi exhaled a breath and, with it, she felt like a great deal of tension left her. She squeezed Troi's hand for the first time, and she laughed to herself.
"Do—Betazoids have some kind of…transference ability?"
"I'm not sure what you're asking," Troi said.
"You can feel my feelings," Raffi said. "Can you also—transfer feelings to me?"
Troi smiled at her and winked.
"Only when you're open to it, and only in an empathic manner," she said. "Veria root is suggested to help with that, but…don't tell all my secrets?"
Raffi laughed quietly.
"Only if you don't tell all of mine," she said.
"Counselor's honor," Troi teased. "Now—if you…feel up to it…tell me a little more about all these feelings you're trying to carry around. Maybe we could…choose a few to put down? Make the proverbial load a little lighter."
Raffi sucked in another breath. She let it out with a bit more of the tension.
"I'd like that," she said. "I'd also like a bit more of that tea."
Troi smiled and immediately served more to both of them.
"Try those sandwiches," she said.
"Do they have some relaxing power?" Raffi asked.
"No," Troi said. "They're just…very good."