Chapter One: The Price of Shame

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Lily yelled never more upset with one of "The Marauders," as Remus had explained they called themselves than she currently was. She slammed her palm on the table where James and Sirius were sitting expecting to be met with defensiveness or a stupid attempt at feigning innocence.

But Sirius hardly reacted, not even looking at her. She was taken aback, not about to feel anything but outrage towards the Black who must have had something to do with Remus leaving in the dead of night as she had heard from Marlene who had heard from Peter who had been quite upset about it.

"What did you do?" she demanded thinking this sort of silent treatment was a new diversion tactic in an attempt to escape Lily's rage.

But she still didn't get a response. Hating she had to make eye contact with James, she looked for an explanation. Once more she expected this to be a hoax or some new game. She was sure James would be looking downcast as well but she just knew that any minute the two of them would go off about the strangest buzzing sound or the weirdest feeling a ghost was trying to communicate with them while pointedly ignoring her. Oh yes, that would be just like the pair of idiots.

Only that's not what this was as she quickly realized, finding neither a failed attempt at hiding amusement nor the sort of puppy-dog excitement she had been growing accustomed to finding in James' eyes. Instead, he stared at her with a horrible loss expression that made her stomach drop.

"What did you do Black?" she asked again this time in a horrified whisper.

"Lily...don't…" James spoke up slightly, the bags under his eyes making his messy hair seem even worse this morning. Maybe they were hungover that would also be like them, anything was better than what she was quickly fearing had happened last night.

Of all nights, last night?

Remus had already seemed so upset after the Davey incident and Lily had truly thought she had convinced him it was not his fault. At least she had believed Remus when he told her his ankle was hurting and he wanted to return to the dorm for the night.

Lily had retired a bit later and climbed the stairs to check on Remus, wanting to make sure he wasn't still foolishly beating himself up. She had knocked and then, though she wouldn't admit it to a soul, peaked into the boy's dorm, only to find it empty. A bad feeling had started forming but she had convinced herself that since James and Sirius were gone the two had probably dragged Remus into some sort of reckless adventure and or mischief. Then finding Peter sad about being left out she had become even more convinced of what she thought had happened. That meant that she had been a tad bit disappointed in Remus for forgetting about Peter but she also realized Remus might still be quite upset about the Whomping Willow tree attacking Davey.

But now…..now finding James and Sirius both looking like death she immediately knew what had happened and strongly resisted the urge to slap Sirius Black!

"How can you take his side? You promise James Potter?" she snapped angry tears already forming. She would never trust stupid James about anything ever again.

"I don't!" James retorted quickly, a sharp edge to his tone that made her realize he wasn't lying. There was a seriousness to his gaze, a sort of blazing protectiveness in them that made her look away feeling a slight flutter in her gut. Of course, James wouldn't betray Remus like that, she knew James had many flaws but that being unfaithful to his friends wasn't one of them.

"Then…..why are you sitting with him?" she asked, forcing disgust into her voice since she wasn't about to hint to James she might find his love for his friends endearing.

"It's hard to be mad at him when he just….sits there…...not eating not drinking…...damn….," James mumbled, burying his face in his hands where Lily suspected he was crying.

Bracing herself Lily knelt by the table peering up at Sirius' face which was tear-stained, his eyes unfocused.

"Sirius…..what happened?" she asked gently, touching his fist consolingly that she now realized was clenched very tight. Sirius leapt up startling her, nearly knocking the table over.

"DON'T!" Sirius snarled and she was stunned before realizing the hate in his eyes wasn't directed at her. "I don't deserve to be consoled Evans," he replied bitterly before sitting back down in the same posture as if he had never moved. She looked at James unsure what to do and the boy gave a slight shake of his head, his eyes indeed glistening with tears.

Not particularly wanting to talk to James alone but seeing no other way to get the answers she needed she cleared her throat hoping that the current mood of James would keep him from taking her request the wrong way.

"James can you take a walk with me?" she asked part of her hoping James would break into a goofy hopeful grin or wink at her because the lost look directed at her was unnerving.

"...I can't leave him alone….," James whispered, sounding regretful and worried.

Lily did indeed think James had a point because with Sirius's outburst and the blazing hate that must indeed be directed at himself she wasn't quite sure what he'd do.

"What about Peter?"

"He's…...uh….not talking to us….?"

"Why?"

"He thinks…...it's…...our fault….," James explained with a choked voice quickly burying his face in his hands. Lily sighed heavily wondering what to do about these two distraught boys, feeling oddly protective over them despite their brief and often unpleasant interactions.

It's because she knew they cared so deeply about Remus, they were his family and since Lily was also Remus' family it tied them together in a sort of strange way.

Even Sirius cared about Remus and while she was sure he had hurt her friend badly she was also sure he was inflicting more internal pain to himself over it than she ever could.

"I see," she replied softly, racking her brain for a solution because if she didn't get James alone to explain what had happened soon she was going to start worrying even more than she already was.

Realizing there was another person who could babysit Sirius she walked upstairs and after grabbing her winter cloak went to the fifth year floor.

"Excuse me? Um….Ms. Rakeburn?" she asked knocking on the door not entirely sure how she felt about Patricia but she knew that she was friends with the boys which was all that mattered at the moment.

"Yeah what's up?" Patricia asked, opening the door still in her PJs with a pair of sunglasses covering her eyes. Lily wrinkled her nose at the smell of alcohol realizing this had been a bad idea.

"Um...never mind….."

"This is about my boys isn't it?" Patricia asked with a great deal of irritation that Lily wasn't sure to find amusing or concerning.

"Would you….be willing to sit with Sirius for a bit….he's….very upset," she explained trying not to feel so intimidated by the teenager who gave off such a strong impression of not caring at all of what people thought about her that it was hard not to feel nervous around her.

"Pfft dance didn't go well huh? Well, at least those squirts got to go. Have James or Remus babysit him. I'm busy." Patricia declared with a tone that clearly said 'your problem, not mine' A tone which Lily didn't like at all.

"I thought they were your friends. You're at the very least their mentor or something, aren't you?" Lily challenged, and Patricia looked down at her over the ridiculous sunglasses she was wearing inside.

"Why do you care so much anyway Ms. Evans, I know Black isn't your friend."

"Remus is," Lily replied coolly, watching with satisfaction as Patricia's demeanor changed, true concern flashing across her eyes before she firmly pushed her sunglasses back up her nose.

"What happened? Did his dad do something else?"

Lily was a bit surprised by the care in Patricia's voice but she supposed Remus had that effect on people, it was hard not to care about someone so kind...and hurt. But she was confused about Patricia mentioning Remus' dad, although now that she thought about it Remus hadn't mentioned him much…..

"I don't know, but he went home and Sirius is upset," Lily explained carefully, realizing she had no idea how much Patricia knew or not. Remus had only ever mentioned James knowing but since her friend didn't talk about himself much and about his lycanthropy even less Lily supposed someone else could know. However, she would be quite surprised if Patricia was that someone, as she didn't think she was particularly that close with the boys.

"Dammit! Alright lemme get dressed and I'll be right there, now scram," she briskly shooed Lily closing the door. As Lily walked away bristling from how rude Patricia was she heard crude swearing coming from the older student's room and wondered if Patricia had a screw loose...

Going back downstairs Lily was both relieved and saddened to find James and Sirius in the exact same position as she had left them in. Only as she walked toward them Frank Longbottom reached them first, the older boy crouching down at the table and speaking to them quietly.

"What's going on boys?"

"Sorry, Frank….bit of….a late night…." James explained doing a truly atrocious job of lying, what with tears still in his eyes. Obviously, Frank wasn't convinced.

"How about you two come up to my room and we can get you guys some tea and biscuits yeah? I don't want to make you feel bad but you're causing quite a stir and your fellow Gryffindors are worried about you."

"Actually Frank I'd like to speak to James first then he'll be right up. Also, Patricia will be around shortly," Lily explained confidently as if she had any idea how to help James feel better! She wasn't even entirely sure she wanted to make him feel better, it depended on what part he had to play in how last night had turned into such an unmitigated disaster. Frank looked surprised but nodded, checking in with James if that was ok with him. James nodded his agreement looking like he had no life left in him.

"Alright, we'll wait for you. Come on Sirius," Frank said sweetly, gently touching Sirius' shoulder.

"Don't fucking touch me!" Sirius shouted angrily, quickly on his feet and storming upstairs before anyone could think to stop him.

"I'm….I'm so sorry…" Frank stammered, taken aback and truly worried he had somehow made things worse.

"It's not your fault Frank, he's just having a tough time. Perhaps,...wait to talk to Sirius again until Patricia comes downstairs?" Lily suggested since she didn't think poor sweet Frank stood a chance against the angry storm cloud that was Sirius.

Frank nodded looking grateful for her suggestion and turned his attention to James.

"Anything I can get you, James?"

James shook his head sniffling and Lily felt her heart go out to him against her better judgment. But she figured it was safe to feel bad instead of angry because she couldn't imagine James doing anything on purpose to hurt Remus. Then again…..she wouldn't have exactly pictured it from Sirius either….

"Alright, but how about we go flying later? I'll get special permission from McGonagall, I bet you can't beat me in a race," Frank offered, actually getting James to crack a hint of a smile that he seemed to take heart in.

"Ok."

"Great! Prepared to get your butt kicked," Frank replied, wisely playing on James' commonly known competitive streak.

James' smile increased a bit more, though there were still tears running down his cheeks.

"We'll see about that."

Frank chuckled then walked past Lily to meet up with Patricia who was hopping down the stairs while pulling her last wool sock onto her foot. Lily gently grabbed James' hand who offered no protest as she pulled him to his feet and out of the dorm leaving Sirius to the older students. Because even if Sirius didn't think he deserved comfort, and was probably right about that, Lily was certain he still needed to be comforted.

Lily led James outside so she could talk privately to him. She had been holding his hand since he didn't seem entirely with it and she had convinced herself James was too sad to be enjoying this. However, if she found out later James was bragging and exaggerating to his friends about this, well it had been quite a while since she last used a bat bogey hex on him.

"Now explain Potter," she sighed letting go of James' hand looking around to make sure they were alone.

"He won't tell anyone Lily I got him to agree to that much," James quickly explained, and Lily bit back a gasp, horrified at herself that she hadn't even stopped to consider that option.

"I thought he wasn't supposed to find out until later today? What happened?" she asked again forcing herself to be patient with the sniffling boy though she was anything but.

"Oh, Lily it was horrible just...the bloody worst. And now Remus is gone and Sirius seems completely broke and I don't know what to do!" James cried out in distress and with some careful prompting and a longer hug than Lily had ever thought she'd give a one James Potter, Lily eventually got the entire story out of him.

"Are you sure he went home?'' she asked, very much able to picture Remus hiding in some secret passage that the boys didn't think she knew they explored against the rules, crying and all alone.

But then she supposed if he went home he might get some comfort from his father?

"Yeah….well…...actually no…..Peter said…..when he was still talking to us that is….that Remus was really upset, told Peter he wanted to go home and went to Dumbledore's fireplace because his fireplace is the only one you can use floo to leave in."

"Well then have you checked in with Dumbledore?"

"...yeah….yeah he said Remus was fine….was with his dad," James explained but something about the way he said it made Lily think he didn't believe the headmaster….which was quite odd.

"Well then ask if you can go visit him! Perhaps you can persuade him to come back?"

"...that…...that might work…...I reckon Dumbledore would let me try anyways…." James looked up at her and finally, she saw a hint of the puppy-dog excitement in them which made her feel torn between annoyance and relief. "You're brilliant Lily."

"I know Potter," she replied smugly, smirking as he gaped at her. "I know."