Ch 2: A Father's Love

Remus woke up, for one blissful moment thinking he was at Hogwarts before realizing he was in his bed back home as the events of last night threatened to throw him into despair all over again.

Last night he had somehow made it into Dumbledore's study, the headmaster still at the dance, and Remus was now very worried that maybe he was now expelled since he had used the headmaster's stash of floo without permission. Then again….maybe being expelled wasn't the worse thing.

Then he'd never have to face Sirius Black again.

Remus clutched his chest and curled into a ball crying. Realizing he had his mother's quilt draped over him he buried his face into it thankful his father had placed it over with him.

His dad!

Remus started crying harder, not entirely sure why he hadn't been thrown out of the house yet, disowned, or worse... sent to his uncle's for 're-education'. Perhaps his dad knew that he had already learned his lesson?

Of course, when he had stumbled through the fire he hadn't been sure what to expect. He shouldn't have been surprised to find his dad gone and the house in a horrible state of disarray. Remus had cried in front of the fireplace for a bit before forcing himself to clean, figuring if he could show his dad how useful he was his dad might not disown him when he realized what Remus had done and how badly Remus had messed up.

He certainly was a monster.

"Remus are you awake?"

He heard his father call from the kitchen and he quickly pulled the blanket over his head as he listened to his father walk over and peek inside his room. He heard a very heavy sigh as his father quietly cracked the door before his father's footsteps signaled he had walked away.

All he caused was trouble….such immense trouble!

As Remus had cleaned the house last night, or tried to through his tears, he had been given the needed time to reflect on all the mistakes he had made. Plenty of time to reflect on the stupidity he had displayed. How stupid he had even been to simply believe that he could have friends that would accept him.

How foolish he had been!

Of course last night his father had entered wand drawn since Remus had been a selfish horrible child and didn't even consider his father might be alarmed to find the lamps lit. As soon as his father realized it was him though he had put away his wand.

"Remus! What are you doing here? Oh….this place is a mess….I didn't….didn't know you were coming home. I mean I'm glad you did only I….." Then his dad realized Remus was crying. "What's wrong?"

Hearing his dad actually happy to find him home, broke the last of Remus' resolve to explain what had happened to his dad calmly.

"DAD!" he wailed, sounding like a small child as he lost all the strength to stand and crashed to the floor along with several dishes he had been attempting to wash.

"Remus! Reparo. What is wrong with you? Be careful!" his father scolded, coming over to where Remus was hunched on the floor sobbing, the overflowing sink spilling water on the floor, a perfect example of what a disaster, what a failure he was.

"Remus this water is scalding. Get up, get up right now!" his father shouted at him, yanking Remus to his feet and away from the water that hadn't felt all that hot to him. He watched through tears as his father turned off the water and cast a spell to set the mop sliding across the now wet flood.

"What happened Remus?" his father asked sharply, standing in front of his crying son.

"Dad, I messed up, I did something horrible, I'm so sorry I'm so so sorry!" Remus sobbed almost collapsing unto the floor again, his legs shaking so badly, but his father gripped his arm tightly holding him up.

"Stop crying! YOU NEED to have better control over your emotions than this Remus. We've talked about this. Here, sit before you fall and hurt yourself again. Take a few deep breaths, there you go, now explain to me calmly what happened."

So Remus clenched his fists until his palms bled and bit his tongue until his mouth tasted like copper but managed to stop crying as his father had requested. He knew his father was right, a monster like him didn't get the right to cry and make a mess of himself. He had to stay in control... had to always be in control.

"...he found out…." Remus attempted to explain, swallowing the blood as horror blossomed across his father's face which had gone deathly pale. His hands shot out gripping Remus very tightly.

"WHO!?"

"One of my fr…...classmates…." Remus stammered the anger in his father's voice, expected but still scary.

"We talked about this Remus! How could you have let this happen? After all, your mother and I have done to keep you safe!"

Then his father released him brandishing his wand and moving furniture so that it blocked the door. He had also made quick work of killing the fireplace, sending an explosion of bricks to completely demolish it. Remus wanted to tell his dad they didn't have to worry about the ministry arriving but he wasn't entirely sure he could... Instead, he curled up biting another deep indent into his tongue to keep himself from sobbing again. Inhaling and exhaling he sat there shaking until his father shouted angrily at him to gather his things.

Surprised his father was trying to harbor him away instead of just letting the ministry possibly take Remus like he would deserve he staggered off the sofa unsure what to gather.

"DAMMIT REMUS! HURRY THEY COULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE," his father had roared objects flying around the house. Remus had started heading to his room when a chair floating haphazardly had hit him and sent him falling with a thump.

After that things had been a bit hazy but then Remus remembered his father shouting at him then going dead silent as a knock on the door came.

"Remus, go hide yourself, now." his father ordered with a quiet dangerousness about him. As Remus struggled to do so, head throbbing, he could no longer hold the tears back at witnessing his dad who MUST care about him if he was truly preparing to standoff against the ministry. And there was no mistaking the dueling stance his father was taking as Remus peeked through the crack in the door of the closet he hid in.

Remus touched his head trying to remember what had happened next. His father hadn't managed to fight off the ministry official, had he? No, Remus was pretty sure it had just been one person? ...But why were they still home?

Remus threw his mother's quilt off him making sure they weren't in a new similar-looking shack. But looking out his window he saw the large tree with a birdhouse hanging from it just where he remembered placing it.

Then he remembered who it had actually been.

His father had been ready to fight for him and that would be something Remus would never forget even if it made him feel terribly guilty. He would never complain about his dad again because his dad must love him, why else would he be willing to hide Remus and fight for him instead of giving up? There was no other explanation Remus could think of.

But it hadn't been the ministry coming to investigate, to possibly take him away for daring to pretend to be anything but the beast he was. Instead, it had been Dumbledore.

"Mr. Lupin, I do believe something is wrong with your fireplace. However I have reason to believe Remus is home, is that true?"

Lyall Lupin had all but collapsed speaking up in a shaky voice that yes Remus was here. Remus thought about going over to his dad but he hadn't given Remus permission to come out so he didn't. Plus his dad still seemed understandably upset and Remus didn't want his father yelling at him in front of Dumbledore even if he knew he deserved it. He didn't want his dad getting in trouble because the headmaster had gotten the wrong idea or something.

"May I come in Mr. Lupin?"

"I'll come outside."

"That's fine Mr. Lupin but I need to hear from Remus that he's ok."

"Are you really insinuating that I'd…." Remus' dad shouted in outrage.

"Please, Mr. Lupin. I see no reason why you can't comply with a worried old man's request." Dumbledore's remaining calm had somehow kept his dad from losing it though it looked like Lyall had come pretty close to doing so. Remus' dad had then told Remus to speak up.

"I….I'm here sir….er…. Professor Dumbledore. I'm alright my dad's just scared," Remus replied shakily.

"I understand Remus, thank you," Dumbledore had replied kindly and Remus almost got the feeling the headmaster could see him somehow.

"Now that I've proven to you I'm not some heinous man," his father had replied curtly, and then the next thing Remus knew he was gone with a crack, having apparated outside.

Remus remembered that he had waited, his eyes getting heavier and the next thing he realized he had cried himself to sleep in the cramped closet.

He waited until he was sure he wouldn't start sobbing then slowly sat up in bed wondering if he still had a school to return to, wondering if he even wanted to return.

"D…...dad?" he called hesitantly, unsure if trying to stand right now would be a good idea, he felt far too shaky and faint. When was the last time he'd eaten? Remus's stomach complained in reply as his father opened the door looking as haggard as Remus felt.

"Breakfast?" his father asked awkwardly holding up a bowl of oatmeal. Remus nodded unsure what to say as his father came in and almost sat next to Remus on the bed before seeming to think differently. So perhaps his father loved him but was still afraid of him?

"Eat, we can talk when you're done."

"Sirius didn't tell then?" Remus asked frantically, unable to keep back the question any longer. He saw anger flash through his father's eye and flinched.

"No, and Dumbledore has assured me he won't."

Remus wanted to ask the natural follow-up question, 'am I allowed back at Hogwarts,' but a lump had formed in his throat and he couldn't get the words out. Instead, he nodded and ducked his head scooping a spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth to get his stomach to shut up.

His father left his room again offering no reassurances and Remus felt far too sick to eat more than a few bites, waiting for his father to return. As he waited he strained his ears to listen for the sound of more than one person in the house, terrified his uncle was out there with his father.

Minutes passed by before his dad appeared again frowning at the small amount Remus had eaten.

"Not hungry…," Remus mumbled in explanation as his stomach let out another mournful cry. Remus' dad shook his head but didn't force the matter.

"We need to talk."

"I'm sorry….I'm really sorry," Remus began, a hysterical pleading sound to his apologies.

"Remus, I know you're sorry but that doesn't change the fact that you weren't careful enough. What if this happens again?"

"It won't!"

"Remus how can you be sure?"

Because I'll never let myself think I can have friends again?

But deep down Remus knew there was still James and Lily...well Lily, he wouldn't want to come in between James and Sirius. Or maybe he already had? Tears stung his eyes as he remembered James' serious declaration he'd take Remus' side. But would he really? Sirius was James' best friend, Remus simply couldn't imagine him staying mad at him long.

"I…... I learned my lesson…..I'll be more careful…."

"Will this boy bully you?"

"No," he replied quickly, too quickly, knowing technically Sirius already sort of had in the past and it was an all too likely possibility he would again. But Remus didn't care, well he did, but he had realized he did want to go back to Hogwarts. He wanted to go back so bad it hurt!

"Remus Lupin!"

Remus flinched at his father's tone.

"...if he does I'll say something right away."

His father seemed to be considering this, taking a deep breath.

"Dumbledore has explained to me the….hassle you dropping out halfway through the year would cause as he would have to report it to the ministry and it's possible someone hearing your name might recognize it from….the information they have on you even though that file is supposed to stay secret until you turn of age," his father explained sternly and Remus nodded trying not to look too hopeful. "He has also assured me that if this...that this Sirius fellow will not say anything and that he has the means to make it so he physically cannot speak of it."

Remus nodded again wondering with a pang if Dumbledore had to go that far. Would Sirius have told the ministry if he physically could? Would there be hate in Sirius' eyes directed at him?

"Then….I suppose…...you can at least finish the year. We'll reassess next year this summer. Just stay away from this….what was his name again…..er this Sirius boy."

"Alright," Remus replied carefully, realizing his father must not realize Sirius was one of his roommates. Dumbledore clearly hadn't divulged that information. Why?

"But I want you to stay here for the rest of the break," his father added sharply and Remus nodded, figuring putting some space between him and Sirius couldn't hurt.

"I'm sorry Dad…." he whispered, wanting his dad to forgive him.

"I know," Lyall replied coolly, "Start packing. I'm going to scout out a new place for us. Do not let anyone in. I'll be back, but I am very disappointed in you Remus."

Then his dad started leaving and Remus felt a sort of panicky fear over what his dad would do with him now take over him.

"Do you hate me now?" he cried out and for one horrible heart-wrenching second he thought his father was going to leave without answer, his father's hand on Remus' door tensing considerably.

"Why would you ask that?" his father asked with a strange emotion in his voice Remus couldn't place, his back still to him.

"I'm sorry," Remus sobbed knowing he had asked a dumb question because of course his father hated him. If he hadn't before Remus had messed up so badly he certainly did now.

"Remus….I know…..I'm not good with feelings…..I don't say it enough…..but I love you so ...so very much. I couldn't stand it if something were to happen to you. That's why I'm so harsh on you….you…..you know that right?"

The choked sound of the words stunned Remus making him realize his father meant it! Remus covered his mouth with shaky hands suppressing a loud sob. His dad loved him! His dad really truly loved him!

"Mhm," he mumbled, knowing if he tried to speak his father would hear the brokenness in his voice and it would make him feel worse. Remus' dad let out a heavy sigh gripping the door so tight Remus wouldn't have been surprised if it left an indent.

"I'm sorry," his father said, sounding devastated though why his father was apologizing to him Remus wasn't sure. But before Remus could reply the awkward man left the house and left his son to his tears and confusion.

…..But also….also to a sort of bright, giddy feeling at actually hearing his dad say that he loved him which Remus Lupin held onto very tightly!

AN: As we all know Remus' birthday is March 10th! In celebration of his birthday, I will be updating an extra-long chapter on the 10th. I want to take this time to thank all my wonderful readers for their support and kind comments for this series. I so enjoy reading through all the reviews and comments :D