Chapter 05: Smoke Break
In the end, I fell asleep on Victoria's bed, in her arms. I awoke a couple of hours later, my face still sticky from my tears and snot. For her part, Victoria was over on her computer, reading something with this intense look on her face. "What time is it?" I muttered as I sat up.
Victoria sent me a glance before going back to her laptop. "A little after eight."
"I feel like shit," I muttered, holding my aching head and my stomach protesting. It was like a bad hangover and a mild flu combined. As miserable as I felt, some part of me screamed that I deserved much worse.
Closing her laptop, Victoria scooted her chair back to look at me directly. "Why don't you clean yourself up a bit and we'll step out for a smoke?"
Though I had no interest in getting stoned with her, I really did need to wash my face. I didn't say anything to her. I just nodded and got up, heading for the door and out into the hall. The moment I left her room, my gaze traveled to the next door over. No sign of Kate. Part of me was relieved. Part of me was disappointed. I didn't apologize properly last time. I didn't even realize just how much I'd fucked up and needed to grovel for her forgiveness.
Like I deserve her forgiveness after what I did.
I went to the showers, used the sink to clean up a bit, and spent the better part of ten minutes just staring at my face. It was the same. Every freckle in its place. The only difference I could make out was the haunted eyes. Haunted by things I couldn't forget. By things I couldn't remember. How could this be the same person?
Was I either of them?
Stumbling out of the showers, I found Victoria waiting for me, leaning against the wall by her door. She jerked her head to the side, urging me to come along with her as she headed for the door. I didn't want to. I wanted to go wallow in my self-hatred. But I just couldn't bring myself to really snub her like that. No matter what, she alone stood as practically my only friend in this world. The only one I could talk to, anyway.
When we got to the stairwell, we didn't head down. We went up. My skin crawled and my stomach heaved as I realized just where it was she led me to. The last place on Earth I wanted to be—except the Dark Room—the dorm roof. Would my actions push Kate back up there again?
A little voice buzzed in the back of my head, telling me that I could fix it. Photo jumps saved all of Arcadia Bay. Jefferson's victims. Rachel Amber. William Price. They saved Kate from the storm, too. I definitely could use that picture to jump back. To destroy that image and never so callously flay Kate's personal life.
Not even a day went by, and already my vow to never use this power again lay in tatters. I already rewound once, and now I considered jumping back. At least this time using my power would be for a damn good reason. I outed her. That's something that can't be taken back or undone.
Not without my power.
My numb ascent halted as Vic stood by the door to the roof. "Come on, Maxi. You'll feel better after a smoke." She opened the door before dramatically sweeping an arm, inviting me out to my living nightmare.
Stomach churning in protest, I stepped forward. What choice did I have? The cold October air swept by me, stealing my warmth. As well it should have. Somehow, in a world where everything turned out right, I became a cold, empty shell of the person I thought I was. The painful truth mocked me. As much as I didn't want to face it… this was me. A me with only a few years of different experiences. How could someone so easily twisted by those around her be trusted with an ability that could literally destroy the world?
I stumbled as an arm fell around my shoulders. "You're so tense," she cooed.
"How?" I muttered, my breath fogging the cold air. "How am I… Me?"
"Max, you're getting in your own head, and that's never a good thing," Victoria said as she dragged me over to the ledge. She sat there like it wouldn't be fatal should she fall back and off the roof. Instead of a joint or some other illicit thing like I expected, Victoria produced a cigarette and a lighter. "You need to just take in the serene night air and relax." Plucking the cigarette between her lips, Victoria sparked her lighter, bathing her pale features in a warm glow for but a moment. "Come on. It'll make you feel better."
I rubbed my hands together, both satisfying my need to fidget and feebly trying to stave off the cold. The next thing I knew, Victoria, cigarette stuck between her lips, leaned over, rummaging around in my bag. I didn't even remember having it on me. From inside, she pulled out a small case I didn't recognize. It flicked open to reveal a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
Another wave of disgust roiled through me.
I couldn't even bring myself to protest as she stuck one in my mouth and used my lighter to hold a flame to the tip. My body reacted on its own. I inhaled, tasting the acrid smoke as it burned its way down my throat and my fingers found the butt. Exhaling the bitter smoke, I pulled the cigarette from my lips, just staring at it between my fingers.
The daze shattered when I felt a hand on my back. I stiffened up before I realized it was Victoria. Just another attempt to comfort me, or be intimate, or… something. I tried not to act too weird as she traced small circles. "Feeling better?" she asked, her voice a mellifluous whisper.
I breathed in another disgusting puff from the cigarette. I did feel better. Some of the jitteriness left me, my head hurt less, even my stomach settled down. But inside, I hated myself just a bit more. I didn't just smoke. I was fucking addicted. Half my malaise all this time must've been a nicotine fit, and my dumbass didn't even realize. I breathed in more from the thing I thought I'd never touch. Though, in the grand scheme of things, this was nothing. Not like the new five-year rift I'd put between Chloe and me. My grand betrayal of Kate.
Glancing over at Victoria, her cigarette all but gone, and I just couldn't understand it. How did she even function at all after Kate's suicide attempt? This new crisis didn't affect her, either. But did she even know how close Kate came to giving in to despair?
"You're quiet. More than normal," Victoria said, her hand moving to rest on my shoulder. "Talk to me."
My voice cracked as I snapped at her, "What are we even doing here?"
"Max…" she said, pulling her hand away. "S-sorry, I just…"
"No," I said, holding my head in my hands. Now I felt even worse, pushing away the only person left that I could even talk to. "It's not… You didn't…" I couldn't even find the words. Before I could stop it, tears started streaming down my face. I didn't even know why. This was my victory, right? A world where I fixed everything.
Did I fix anything?
I felt warm arms around me as a softness pressed into my side. Victoria didn't say anything. Or maybe she did. Just soft murmurs that I could hear between my gasping and sobbing. Despite everything, it did seem to soothe my frayed emotions. Slowly, reality crept back in as my sobs subsided, bringing in a numbness and a startling clarity.
I broke it again. My power saved a thousand lives, but I just couldn't get it right. Not all the way. Would another jump set it right? I could undo the damage to Kate for sure. But there wasn't a fix for Chloe. No matter what I did, I would never be able to close that gap. She forgave me before, in another reality. This is different. Just five years, but everything changed so, so much.
"Here."
I looked up, seeing a sleek little flask dangling from Victoria's hand. My throat burned again, this time from the sting of alcohol. I didn't know what it was, or even why I grabbed it and drank so greedily. A warmth stormed through my belly.
"Damn, Max," Victoria said as she retrieved the flask, shaking it to find it nearly empty. Turning it up, she downed what remained. Detangling herself from me, Victoria stowed her flask. "If you wanted to party, you should've just said so."
Shaking my head, I kept my eyes locked on my hands, balled up in my lap. The little stump of a cigarette between my fingers. "No. I don't want that."
Victoria leaned forward, flashing me a smile. "Remember the last time we were here? A few nights ago. It was warmer, and you scored us some nice green."
My insides twisted, a flare of rage tearing through me. "I told you before, I can't remember anything! Nothing that happened in the last five years!" After snapping at her, again, I felt regret wash over me. "Sorry," I muttered, not even really understanding why she put up with my nonsense. I wasn't the person she thought I was.
Wrapping her arms around herself, she stared off, straight ahead. "So you didn't experience the past five years through some fucking magic or science fiction shit or whatever. That doesn't erase what we've been through. It doesn't… it doesn't make those memories not exist." She rubbed her hands up and down her arms. "You wanted me to tell you about the shit you can't remember, right? Why don't I tell you what I remember, and you tell me what you remember?"
It sounded like it made sense. My body seemed to crave this damned cigarette and I didn't even hesitate when she offered the flask. I didn't remember anything, but my body sure seemed to be familiar with what was going on. The worst of it, though…
"You don't want to know about the last time I was here," I warned her, images of Kate's desperate face flashing through my memories. A deep, shuddering breath, and I shook my head. "I don't…"
"Come on," Victoria said as she stood, her ice-cold hand grabbing mine. "We can talk about this inside where it's warm."