Chapter Four: Galleons in the Snow

Remus was used to being poor, he always had been. Back when both his father and mother worked they lived poorly and simply as they had to move around so much in order to keep Remus from being found out and because the muggles kept thinking his self-inflicted injuries were caused by others. Then Hope Lupin had died and the conditions of living for Remus went down in all areas of life for him and his father. Still, even then there had been a semblance of comfort, of making enough to get by.

After living in the little cabin in the woods for over a year its presence was just beginning to become consistent and constant enough to be considered a hesitant 'home' of sorts. However, after that first night where Remus witnessed the full extent of fear his father had about his son being found out there was nothing resembling decent living let alone a sort-of-home. Remus had once more taken to a shack, this time smaller and more dilapidated which was when Remus finally realized that getting by for him and his father was no longer an option.

Mildew-covered walls with a total of four pieces of furniture and canned food were all his father could provide. Somehow his father succeeded in having both flushed cheeks and hard eyes that dared Remus to complain. Not that Remus ever would! He knew his father was doing his best. Strangely Lyall wouldn't let Remus cook or do the dishes anymore as if feeling his meager form of providing for his son warranted him doing all the housework instead. Or perhaps Lyall was simply too worried Remus would break their now one set of dishes. A set which had been reparo-ed so many times they gave off the slightly bitter odor of overmagicked items and wobbled precariously as if wanting to launch themselves to their doom again when no one was watching.

The smaller shack, which Lyall tried to pass up as simply less conspicuous didn't even have a bedroom. Instead, there were two beds shoved into the living room that soon gave way to the small kitchen unit whose lack of working utilities made it impossible to eat much more than canned food. Not that Lyall could produce much more than cans of food. It was no wonder Lyall spent all of his time away from the small twelve by ten enclosure whose ceiling dripped liquid into a tiny bucket despite a lack of rain, and whose floorboards sagged when both Remus and Lyall were standing too close to one another.

Remus, quite predictably, blamed himself, though oddly enough when he had attempted to apologize his father had cut him off harshly and said through clenched teeth that "dammit Remus I've told you I only have myself to blame." Remus wasn't entirely sure what that meant. He had only ever caught glimpses of what his father's inconsistent work history had been since Remus had become a werewolf. Through putting pieces of conversations together Remus could decipher that the copious amounts of alcohol Lyall had been consuming since Hope passed away had more to do with the mound of positions Lyall had been fired from than because of Remus' condition. What Remus couldn't wrap his head around was how Lyall still couldn't seem to work for more than a few weeks at a job even though he had sworn to Remus he hadn't drunk anything in a long time. Perhaps it was because his father seemed more skeletal and drained or life everytime Remus saw him? Whatever the reason it made it really hard not to blame himself.

Worse still Remus wasn't able to help his father in the ways he had grown accustomed to and no matter what his father said about the matter it still felt like a punishment. For example, when Remus had watched his father stagger through the door after one particularly long day of looking for jobs he had still refused to let Remus heat up a can of beans and some potatoes. Only his father didn't make anything for himself and instead had collapsed onto their one lounge chair with a loud enough groan it was a wonder the whole shack didn't shake from it. Remus wasn't sure if he was supposed to be fighting his father more to take care of him? Was he failing some test or just failing as a son? It was hard to know but it caused Remus to feel jittery whenever his father was around, like the feeling he got before an exam at Hogwarts even after he had studied for hours and knew he knew the answers.

Both somehow luckily and unluckily everyday Remus spent in the cabin was spent alone during the day since his father searched for jobs, while the evenings were spent with the Lupins sitting in their chairs reading quietly with the occasional argument breaking out as Remus tried to convince his dad to let him help out. But more than mad Lyall just seemed stressed and tired and since most of the break Remus spent alone it should have been at least decent for him. Remus knew he should have felt like his father was doing better. Remus should believe that his father loved him and now saw Remus for who he was. However, Remus still had the unopened letter he had received from Professor McGonnagal after being caught in the Forbidden Forest. A letter he hadn't read at the time due to his anger at his father about keeping secrets and the fact that nearly being killed by giant spiders seemed punishment enough. Remus was sure his father would have said something about it upon his return but when he didn't Remus couldn't contain his curiosity anymore and had read the scathing letter that made Remus lose any hope that his father would ever see him for who he was and be ok with it.

Remus,

Expressing my anger does not begin to satisfy the deep disappointment I have in your behavior. I was informed that not only were you traipsing in the Forbidden Forest but that you were with other students. If this was some sort of misunderstanding and they were bullying you then you must let your head of house know as she is a sensible woman. But I am going off the assumption that this was not the case and that you have in fact disobeyed my explicit orders and made what you assume to be friends. Though I promise you they are not your friends as if you had any sense at all you would see! I am done having this conversation Remus, if you don't shape up soon I will have no choice but to take drastic measures to prevent your and others' safety. You are at that school to learn not to expose yourself! Should anyone find out I will have no choice but to never let you attend Hogwarts again. You are dangerous! You are immature and inconsiderate and being as lax as you have been there is no doubt in my mind that you will end up hurting yourself or someone else. Why you can't just listen to me is simply beyond me! After all, your mother and I have done for you. Afterall all I've done to keep you safe, to be repaid in such a manner is unacceptable. Your behavior is appalling and if others find out that you are a monster, Remus, you will be carted off to Azkaban and there's nothing I will be able to do to help you. No one will help and as much as you might want to believe those boys at school will be ok with what you are I promise you that they won't be. No one would be ok with you being there and even if by some miracle you aren't taken to Azkaban you will have thrown your future down the drain, and for what? Some wild adventures and your sheer arrogance that's what! If you have any love in your heart for your mother or I then I beg of you to stop behaving so immaturely, grow up, and keep your head down. This is your final warning!

Lyall

So instead of just believing his father had his best interests in mind, every single day Remus waited and waited for the little peaceful reality to shatter. He could feel the tension building in the small shack as if the very floorboards and walls were being pushed to their limit. If Remus sat quietly for long enough he swore he could feel the house groaning in an antagonizing plea to be demolished.

The house wasn't the only thing that seemed ready to explode. Lyall Lupin proceeded to treat his son with a polite detachment that Remus considered to be the best he'd ever receive from his father, unless apparently, Remus' very life was potentially in danger. Lyall didn't bring up Hogwarts again so neither did Remus. He only knew that if his father wasn't going to let him return...well he wouldn't...couldn't let that happen. Surely Remus would find the courage to speak his mind to his father then... He knew now his father was wrong that at the very least James and Lily accepted him and perhaps they were complete nutters for it but they were the proof that Lyall Lupin was so horribly wrong. Proof that Remus kept a tight mental hold of. He would go back to Hogwarts, he would! It was just a matter of when. So instead of shout at his father and stand up for himself, despite very much wanting to, Remus simply counted down the days left on his fingers when the torturous waiting and fretting on whether his friends had all abandoned him or just Sirius would be over one way or another.

Tick…..tock….tick…..tock.

Remus let out a loud groan tossing around in the lounge chair that he had spent so much time in that he was sure a permanent imprint of him would forever remain etched on the uncomfortable leather, a monument to the Christmas break where Remus Lupin lost his mind. It would have been bearable if he had been allowed to go outside, or even if the old lumpy couch they used to have, which actually provided some comfort, was still around. But Lyall had forbidden Remus from stepping foot outside of his little prison, and Remus had left with a poor excuse of their old couch that had been discarded along with the other furniture they used to own.

"Remus…ugh….REMUS!"

Instinctively Remus curled in on himself and let out a small whimper..., the bomb that was his father had finally exploded!

With a feeling of weariness that seemed to physically be a part of him now, Remus walked over to his father staggering through the door, the stench of alcohol so strong Remus hadn't even needed to hear his father's slurred shout to know what had happened.

"REEEEMUS!"

"Coming dad….coming…"

The benefit of the small shack which Remus had just realized was that he could reach his father before the swearing started and that the steps to get his father to bed were fewer. Draping his father's arm across his shoulder Remus half dragged half carried Lyall to his bed.

"Remus…... I have no choice…..Remus….."

"Shhh it's ok dad it's ok." Remus calmed his father, wishing he could cover his ears to the sound of his dad crying. It always made him feel uneasy hearing it, and being in such a small space it was impossible not to hear the sniffles and tears of the older man who hadn't learned the art of silent crying that Remus had long ago mastered.

"I don't have a choice. It's not my fault Remus…..I thought I could…."

Remus drowned out the ranting feeling like he was witnessing a level of vulnerability with his father that the older man would have utterly despised. Remus caught enough of what his father was saying though to have a pretty good notion as to why every time his father came home the financial situation for his family was worse and worse.

His father was gambling it away?

For some reason, Remus felt particularly indignant at this realization. But he knew he didn't have a right to be, not after his mother and father had spent as many galleons on him as they had in trying to find a solution.

But gambling? Lyall Lupin was such a careful man and with a war cropping up around them what did he possibly have to gamble on?

"Remus, it's all my fault…..he tricked me...took my money...it's all my fault."

Remus tried to walk away and give his dad space like he usually tried to when his father was drunk, both because when his dad got like this it scared him and because he didn't want his dad potentially remembering he had overheard and being ticked off with him the next day. Only there was nowhere to hide in this tiny shack.

"Remus please…...he said he could cure you... I'm so sorry."

So not gambling. But somehow this was worst. Somehow all Remus could hear at the pitiful confession of his father who apparently had been scammed looking for a cure for lycanthropy was, this is all your fault. His father's cries got harder and the broken sobs nearly brought Remus to tears. Before he could think about it he was rushing out the door and into the cool night. He didn't expect to go far but by the time he had stilled his breathing and could hear his father's cries no more he could no longer see the shack.

"...hello?" he called out into the night knowing instinctively something was wrong. There was no way he had walked far enough away to no longer be able to see the shack!

"...d…..dad?" he questioned in a shaky unconfident voice. Was this somehow a test? Remus forced his breathing to become methodic and purposeful for once grateful his eyes were glowing in the dark as he was able to see with ease.

Then why couldn't he see his house?

A shiver ran up Rmeus' spine and he felt like shouting in frustration. Both shouting at himself and….dare he admit it to himself...his father as well. Everything kept crumbling around Remus and no matter how hard he tried to hold everything together it just slipped through his small trembling hands; Sirius who surely hated him, Hogwarts where he'd feel less safe knowing he had been found out, Ryan who must be panicking about him, his dad whose broken tears he knew were his fault.

But Remus was too tired, too numb to cry. So he stood there in the cold not having had the foresight to bright appropriate clothes since he hadn't expected to somehow be stranded. He should have figured his dad who was paranoid at the moment, might have been paranoid enough to summon up the energy to somehow cast charms on the shack. But Remus hadn't thought of this so he wandered slowly trying to somehow feel his way back home. Although even thinking of the word home felt shallow and like a lie. Did he have a home anymore? Could Hogwarts be his home again?

"Dad…." he sighed in time with the wind that was blowing up so much snow as to erase any trail. Strong gusts of wind which seemed to be pulling him in a direction even further from where Remus thought the shack should have been.

Giving up Remus picked a direction and just started walking, somehow realizing even while the reality of his father's sobriety was crumbling, that he needed to find shelter and build a fire. He didn't have a wand but Remus had become used to the thick woods his father seemed to find some semblance of comfort living in and had taken it upon himself to learn something of wilderness survival….on the off case that his father ever decided to kick him out...

"Remus?"

Foot elevated in the air slightly from his casual walking Remus froze, every hair on the back of his neck standing up. He tried to swallow but a lump had risen in his throat and he couldn't seem to do so. That wasn't his father's voice, nor was it any voice that he was able to place! There was some semblance of familiarity to the voice whose speaker he couldn't locate but this made him even more petrified.

Run. Run!

Not daring to go against the instinct inside of him he took off bolting through the woods sure that any minute a flash of light would reach out for him and stun him and he would be pulled back into the clutches of Greyback...

"Remus, wait….it's oof…."

Remus didn't stop, didn't think, just ran. Too afraid to feel the cold he kept running until he finally became aware of the gasping breaths escaping him and the burn of his muscles from his endless flight. Knowing he was not going to be able to find his father and there was someone who he didn't know looking for him, Remus didn't dare stop. Unsure if he was going in circles or not he just kept walking and walking, sure that if he stopped he would die. He could almost feel claws along his back wanting to rip him to shreds, almost hear the snarl of an older werewolf.

Crunch.

Remus stopped feeling quite literally like a deer caught in headlights as the sound of footsteps came closer.

How had they caught up to him?

Remus crouched down knowing he was far too tired to run any further and clutched a rock tightly in his frozen hand, forcing his fingers to work well enough to grip the gravelly substance that would probably do nothing against his attacker.

Thump, babump, thump, babump, thump, babump.

He strained his ears trying to hear anything beyond the loud beats of what sounded more like a drum than a heart in his chest. Remus inhaled slowly, aware that if he wasn't completely silent he may be discovered. But as the moments ticked by he felt too dizzy to have any idea if it had been minutes or hours. Remus sat hunched in the lightly snow-dusted ground until his muscles felt on fire and he could bear it no longer. If there was someone taunting him by waiting him out, seeking him like a predator slowly circles in on its prey then Remus had no fight left in him any longer.

Partly accepting the likelihood that he would die or would be taken away from his poor father forever Remus straightened.

"W…..what?" Remus whispered softly, hardly able to believe his eyes as they fell on a chest cracked open, gold coins spilling out of it. Galleons…...hundreds of little galleons more than Remus had ever seen in one place, let alone so close to where he and his dad were inhabiting. Remus circled around them swearing he could all but hear his bones cracking from the cold. Underneath the chest was a robe that looked warm and inviting and Remus knew it was foolish but he couldn't help himself from pulling it on quickly, his teeth chattering as his body protested loudly against the still seeping cold now that he could actually feel it. Remus shoved his hands into the pockets realizing if the robe wasn't cursed the galleons probably weren't as well. Remus felt tears spring to his eyes that before had been as bone dry as his ability to feel past his numb emptiness. Shoving his hands into the deep pockets in an attempt to warm them up Remus crouched down, this time not to hide but to scoop the several galleons that had spilled onto the snow back into the small dark chest. In doing so Remus realized that there was a crumpled letter in the chest that when he smoothed it had three sentences of neatly typed writing.

"No one I know deserves this more. I suggest telling your dad you won it somehow. I doubt you believe this but this comes with no cost. Please stay warm and make your way home as it's very cold

HH."

Remus reread the letter several times unable to believe what he was holding in his hands a small fortune that would keep his dad fed, would keep Remus from needing to worry about money for at least the rest of the school year. This pile of galleons was priceless and surely too good to be true and Remus could just not believe his eyes.

All this came at no cost? That was impossible!

And who was HH?

Remus' head spun with questions, the questions that seemed to just keep coming. Anytime Remus got a minute to think the sheer amount of questions threatened to completely overwhelm him. If only he could trust his dad to answer some, he was sure his dad must know something more. But Remus knew he wouldn't ask his father, instead, he would follow the letter's instruction, make something up and try to keep his head down. Anything to keep the tears out of his father's eyes...

Assuming he could find his way home that was?