Chapter Five: Wallowing Worry and Withering Anger

TW: Abuse

"REMUS! REEEEEMUS!"

Sleeping as close as possible to the pile of the ashen remains of the small smoldering fire that had been made with many tears and swears when Remus Lupin realized he couldn't find his way home, after all, the small boy stirred. He tried to sit up but found he couldn't move and felt far too disoriented to try to do so again. For a few confusing seconds Remus was sure he had transformed last night based on how sore and stiff he was. Then he realized he couldn't move, not because he was injured but because he was mostly enclosed in the clumsy lopsided igloo-like structure he had made of snow last night. But with that realization came a stab of fear since one usually did not spend the night outdoors in a mere winter cloak and not suffer some form of hypothermia. Remus reflexively ran himself through the mental and physical checks he did upon every post-transformation morning. He could wiggle his toes which was a good sign though Remus was pretty sure the fists shoved deep in his pockets were frozen shut.

"REMUS YOU ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN OR SO HELP ME...!"

If there was one noise that would make Remus jump to attention frozen solid or not it was his father's voice. The snow structure crumbled around him as the still dazed boy burst free from the confines of the snow that had it been colder may have very well have become his coffin.

"...h...here dad..."

Remus was worried his scratchy voice that had come from breathing in the cold air for eight hours wouldn't be loud enough to be heard by his father who was bellowing with as much anger in his voice as Remus had ever heard. Normally the sound would have continued to make Remus shake, not from the cold as he was currently shaking from, but from fear at what might come next. But the disappointment he felt in his father, the breathtaking fear he felt last night, and the frozen numbness of spending a night outside during winter mushed together to form a rather rare emotion that Remus hardly ever felt towards his father, anger.

His father should have told him the cabin was enchanted. Or better yet not have gotten drunk in the first place!

"REMUS WHERE ARE YOU?"

"O...over here!" he shouted a bit louder, clearing his throat this time before trying to talk. Remus' father must have heard him this time because soon the rushed footsteps of a father hurrying to reach his child became clear.

"REMUS?"

"Over here."

Crunch. Crunch.

As the footsteps grew closer and he and his father played a much more serious version of Marco Polo in the snow-covered woods Remus knew he only had a few seconds to decide what to say. He doubted holding up his red fingers curled in from the cold, the tips of which were turning an ugly dark purple and blue color would be enough to express how very angry Remus was currently finding himself to be at his father. Did he dare express the anger?

Remus had summoned enough sense to hide the treasure chest last night, but an ornery rather surprising side of him partly did not want to give any money to his father. What if he spent it on alcohol?

But Remus knew he couldn't not spend the money on his father... He figured that it would be best for him to take it back to Hogwarts with him and parcel it out to his father week by week. He'd have to come up with some way he was making the money but hopefully, it would be something that would make Lyall feel it was of the utmost importance to use the money on food.

"Remus?"

"Over here."

Crunch. Crunch.

Feeling better after solving one of his problems, Remus still stood there partly because he wasn't entirely sure how well he could move, partly because the angry part of him that felt a little too close to the angry of the full moon to be anything but scary, wanted his father to come to him. Remus wanted his father to see the leftover carcass of Remus' campsite, to see that his son had slept underneath snow because Lyall had gone drinking last night.

He had no right to think these thoughts about his poor father!

"Remus?"

"Over here...".

Crunch. Crunch.

Remus stood there in what felt like an endless war with himself on whether he, werewolf and horrible son, had any right to be mad at his father. There was a nagging feeling that he should be mad at his dad that came from being in conditions that had it been colder would have resulted in death because of his father. But it had not really been because of his dad... Remus had made the choice to leave the cabin despite his father's orders not to, orders that made more sense now.

But he wouldn't have had to if his father hadn't come home drunk!

"Remus there you are."

His father appeared from behind a thick sycamore tree, holding a large mug that was steaming and looking so relieved to find his son still alive that the anger that had been threatening to erupt in Remus withered and died much like how his pitiful fire had last night.

"I'm sorry dad."

"What were you thinking coming outside? Were you out all last night?"

"...I couldn't...find the house..."

Dawning realization spread across the older man's face and something that could have been guilt flashed in his father's eyes.

"I...see..."

His father's pursuit had slowed dramatically and Remus took a few steps hoping that the mug of warm something or other was for him...

"Remus...I..."

"Can...can we just...not right now dad? I just...want to go back inside..."

Remus explained, his teeth on the verge of a fit of chattering again. He must have looked half-frozen because his father deemed it an appropriate measure to wrap Remus up in his robe and keep an arm around his son as if thinking he might collapse.

Crunch. Crunch.

"Remus….."

Remus suppressed the childish urge to plug his ears, go 'lalalala' and ignore his father. But he didn't do that, instead, he braced himself to be told off and blamed and to once more swallow the bitter feelings his father seemed very good at bringing to the surface in him. The anger that had been so present had settled inside him heavily as if it was physically as frozen as the rest of Remus.

"Yes, dad?"

"I think you should go back to Hogwarts…."

That was not the response Remus had been expecting and he was so stunned that he stopped walking. He would have thought that his dad giving him permission to go back would make him feel the utmost joy but instead, it filled him with a shaky panic.

"What? Why? There are still four days of break left. How will I get back?"

"REMUS. BE QUIET. Ugh, I didn't mean…..my head is just pounding and I've been looking for you for an hour so don't bombard me alright?"

Remus nodded, swallowing down the words that wanted to pour out of his mouth next. He knew better than to talk a lot when his dad was hungover. Honestly, was he trying to get beaten?

"...sorry dad….." he whispered and felt tears spring to his eyes as his dad pulled away from him as if just realizing who he had been so tenderly helping traverse the forest terrain previously.

"That's not what I….Remus…...look I just….I think Hogwarts can…...well you'd be able to eat properly…..and…."

"And he doesn't want a nasty freak like you around!" explained what was likely the real cause of Remus being sent back early. Without thinking Remus cringed and moved himself slightly behind his father.

"That's not what I was saying!"

"Oh shut up brother and grow a backbone. I don't know why you keep this mutt around."

"Lorence, we've talked about this, he's right here for Godric's sake."

Remus squeezed his eyes shut wishing this was a nightmare. His father wasn't telling Uncle Lorence to be quiet because Lyall didn't agree with him but because Remus was around…..

"Can I go back to Hogwarts now?" Remus dared to ask, wanting to be as far away from his uncle as possible.

"Not even going to greet me you rude beast."

"Lorence please stop."

"Shut up Lyall, I'm going to be housing your sorry ass so you will let me speak how I please. I've told you time and time again you're too soft on that boy. You ought to keep him caged then he won't run away in the middle of the night!"

"I didn't…." Remus began to explain and flinched as his uncle raised a threatening hand. He certainly had lost his mind since talking back to his father was one thing but talking back to his uncle was downright suicidal. Remus thought his father shifted slightly more in front of him but it was probably just hopeful thinking on his part.

"I ought to drag you around back and beat some sense into you."

"Remus, go inside, and get packed up," Lyall demanded, his voice sounding strained. Remus was about to ask where the little cabin was when a sort of shimmering passed in front of his eyes and he could suddenly see it. Remus didn't want to leave his father absolutely terrified his dad would go back on his promise and let Remus' uncle lay his hands on him. But not wanting to make a bad situation worse he scurried around his father trying to make a mad dash for the cabin.

"Let him go, brother," came his father's tone which sounded angry. Remus knew his father couldn't go head to head with his older brother but it was nice to pretend sometimes that if Lyall could he would. Avoiding the predictable leg that shot out to trip him Remus made it inside and packed in a flurry that lasted all of ten seconds because everything he had was basically already packed…..

"I HAVE TOLD YOU BEFORE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME OFF! NOT AFTER EVERYTHING! NOT MANY PEOPLE WOULD STAND BY YOUR SIDE WITH YOU BEING HELLBENT ON PROTECTING THAT MONSTER YOU DARE CALL A SON"

Remus jumped on his bed and pulled the blanket over himself covering his ears and wishing he was back at Hogwarts. He'd rather deal with Sirius hating him than his uncle, at least he knew Sirius didn't want him dead….at….at least probably not?

…

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew if you don't put those ice cycles down this instant I'll be forced to give you a detention! They are not swords boys."

Peter and James dropped the large ice cycles that had previously been engaged in an epic fight. James grinned sheepishly at Professor Flitwick who usually didn't interfere in student affairs and must have thought Peter's bloody nose was due to the ice sword fighting. Well….it was but it wasn't James' fault. He waited until Professor Flitwick was gone then turned to Sirius who had been fretting something horribly about Remus returning. It was like having a horribly guilty dog, James had even suggested Sirius grow a tail to tuck between his legs to get a rise out of him which had not worked.

Sirius would have periods where he seemed back to normal then something would remind him of Remus and he'd grow all depressed and then he'd start whining and fretting. It was exhausting! And James and Peter kept having to up the ante, doing more and more ridiculous things to get Sirius to even look at them during the times he seemed to shut himself off to anyone and anything. James knew if Remus was back and if….well if things were more normal that Remus would know what to say. But Remus was not back and even though James would not dare tell Sirius, Dumbledore had told James that visiting Remus wasn't an option as Lyall had been afraid information about Remus would get back to the ministry and had gone into hiding. Dumbledore had assured James that Remus wasn't in danger but James was finding it hard to believe that.

What father that hurt his child would actually care if his child was caught by the ministry? Only maybe the fact the ministry might even kill Remus if they found out was enough to remind Remus' dad that he loved his son maybe? But the ministry wouldn't kill some minor for something he couldn't help. Only James wasn't sure if they wouldn't lock Remus away at the very least, what with werewolves being supporters of Voldemort and all….. James went back and forth with himself and really wished he could tell Sirius without him freaking out and possibly breaking again.

James had told Peter about his worries about Remus being with his dad, though he hadn't explained why Remus and his dad were currently off the grid only that they were. Only Peter wasn't all that helpful and just told him that he needed to trust Dumbledore. But what if Lyall only moved Remus so he could have the privacy to punish him or something?

Only James knew that Peter was right about trusting Dumbledore. James wouldn't, couldn't, let himself worry, not until school started which was only in a few days. If Remus still wasn't back then well…well he wasn't sure what he'd do but he knew Sirius, Peter, and him would search the entire world over summer break to find their friend if that's what it took. Peter and James had already made a plan just in case, because James may have freaked Peter out a bit. Only James was pretty sure his parents wouldn't allow him to traipse across the world so he was really banking on Remus returning since he didn't want to be grounded forever after running away from home to find his friend or even leaving school to hunt Remus down. He especially figured his mum would be pissed at him, what with a wizarding war going on and all…..

James still felt utterly useless when it came to helping Remus so he tried to focus more on helping Sirius even if he was being a ridiculous prat. Luckily James had figured out if he did something stupid or dangerous enough it would pull Sirius out of his funk some. Since Peter was helping him in this noble job they were able to come up with enough pranks and antics that they were making it hard for Sirius to stay all moody for too long. Only those things which got Sirius to pay attention to them usually somehow ended in Peter getting hurt more often than not oddly enough.

"Come on let's go work on the map we can show Remus when he gets back," Peter piped up unhelpfully after they watched Sirius seem to sink more and more into the snow as if hoping it would swallow him up. James appreciated Peter trying so hard to help but he kept making the dire mistake of mentioning Remus, no matter how many times James warned him not to.

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh," Sirius groaned, burrowing even deeper into the snow and burying his face in his hands. Pretty much his reaction every time that 'R word' was mentioned. "How do I ever make this right?" Sirius lamented in his typical dramatical fashion which was much much more annoying when it wasn't being used to cause mischief.

"Come on mate he has to be back in two days, that's nothing. Besides you know Remus he'll forgive you," James explained trying to push away the sort of sickly worry that filled him every time he thought about how bad things would be for all of them if Remus didn't return. Most of all Sirius.

"Two days is an eternityyyyyyyy. Uuuuuuuuuuugh, ow," Sirius yelped as James kicked him, not all that hard, just a little, because he really was awfully annoying.

"Quit being a pansy two days will be here in no time. But you've got to be nice to him from now on out. And it wouldn't hurt to agree to do his homework or something," James added with mock thoughtfulness. He glanced at Peter who was doing his best to hide it but was pouting like he started pouting everytime Sirius and James talked about the epic fight with Remus that Peter still knew next to nil about.

"Don't look like that Peter I said it's not for us to tell you it's Remus' thing."

"But…."

"Don't be a poor sport mate. Come on let's throw Sirius in the lake."

"You wouldn't" Sirius gasped finally with the hint of a smile on his face.

"Get him!" Peter shouted, launching himself trying to tackle Sirius' legs. Which of course was a very dumb move to make because Sirius reacted by flailing, his foot hitting Peter square in his already, unknown to him, bleeding nose.

"OWWWWWWW!" Peter shouted clamping his hands over his nose which of course made him realize it was bleeding, quite a bit more now than before sure, but this meant that James now had two big babies to deal with. Well, at least Sirius had finally cracked more than a smile.

"Come on Peter get off the ground, Sirius quit laughing, and help me take him to Madam Pomfrey!" James shouted trying not to laugh himself, but even Peter was half crying half laughing at Sirius laughing so it really was a lost cause.

"What are three morons doing?" Lily asked, finding Sirius laughing for the first time in about a week and seeming downright irate about it. Sirius' smile fell as if looking into Lily's eyes he was reminded once more of all the pain he had caused. James swept his hair back hoping he looked alright and not like he had spent the last few hours wrestling in the snow like he actually had.

"Stop staring at me James, you're letting poor Peter bleed out all over the snow, oh honestly," Lily sighed looking up to the sky as if the answer of how to summon the patience to deal with them would be there. Only she couldn't find it apparently because she shook her head and started walking away.

"Lily…..wait…" James blurted out not thinking before talking which as Sirius had rudely pointed out what seemed like forever ago seemed to be the only way James could talk to the very pretty Ms. Evans.

"What is it, Potter?"

"I…...uh….he could be…...there….."

Lily looked at him like he came from another planet and James' felt his cheeks heat. He was such a massive idiot!

"What on earth are you even saying?"

"Remus could be there." Peter translated because he was a good mate and quite used to James speaking gibberish around Lily, whether she overheard or not. Hearing that certainly got her attention and she looked across all of them as if trying to determine if they had any sense amongst them at all. Her eyes went from Peter hunched slightly a bloody hand clamped over an even bloodier nose, to Sirius who was just staring at the snow and whose facial expressions James could no longer read, and to then to him though he could have sworn she barely glanced at him for half a second before quickly moving on.

"Why would he be in the hospital wing when he's just come from home?" she asked though actually seemed to be taking them seriously, an edge of...worry perhaps to her tone?

"Because he'll probably want to avoid…." James chanced a glance at Sirius who once more looked like a kicked puppy and sighed, "...us…"

Lily's eyebrows raised at that because James knew that she knew out of the people who knew Remus' secret the only one who had….but no longer would have,... a problem with it was Sirius. Sure Sirius hadn't said much about werewolves but James believed that his friend who had actually willingly gone to talk to Professor Corbyn two other times the past few days would no longer have a problem with Remus.

Lily considered this her arms crossed tightly across her chest before she let out a huff.

"Well alright then let's hurry up, I don't want to spend more time with you absolute dolts than I have to."

Yes!

James did his best to bite back the grin that was suddenly trying to spread across his face. He was pretty sure he could handle anything with Lily at his side.

"And wipe that smirk off your annoying face Potter, I won't hesitate to hex you."

…