Chapter Eight: Desire of the Heart

It took everything James had to prevent Sirius from going after Lily. Sirius kept spouting some nonsense about not letting another bossy woman ruin things for him. Sirius had stayed in a funk the rest of the night and when James woke up he found Sirius in the same place he had left him, sitting on the edge of his bed staring at Remus' bed, absentmindedly petting Elvis more gently than James would think someone could with so much anger in their eyes.

James tried suggesting for his friend to take a sleeping draft or to talk to Professor Corbyn which didn't go well and Sirius' mood just grew worse and worse both towards Lily who had made it her personal mission to help Remus avoid the other Marauders and James who kept defending her.

"James for fuck sake she's a bossy bint!" Sirius roared, throwing one of his pillows at the wall until the seams split and feathers exploded everywhere. Well, the house-elves were used to bringing them new pillows... though that was usually because of pillow fights…..

"Sirius, come on you look like a mad man….you haven't slept in three bloody nights and you glare at Lily as if she's the one who caused you to act like a complete arse to Remus. That's not her fault mate and you know it. I'd keep you away from Remus too with how you've been acting." James stated firmly, ready to duck if Sirius swung at him. It was really hard to tell how Sirius would react to criticism. In James' experience, the results differed every single time he criticized his ornery friend.

"...dammit…..you're right…..ahhhhhh AHHHHHHHGH! I'm so tired James. I don't think I've had a full night's sleep since Christmas…"

"You look it," James said sincerely and this time he did have to duck, though the punch Sirius threw was more playful than anything.

"He's avoiding us, James….how am I ever going to talk to him…..to…...to apologize if he keeps avoiding us….."

"You know Remus mate, just give him a few days, he always comes back. School starts tomorrow he won't be able to avoid you then." Except Remus could and would. Remus had proven what a slippery person he could be when he wanted to. James was half convinced their talented friend had learned the very complicated illusionment charm for simply being able to hide from them better. Either that or he had his own invisibility cloak he kept secret.

"You really think so?"

No.

"Yea…..yeah sure." James attempted to assure Sirius, only he had hesitated too long.

"You're lying!" Sirius wailed, collapsing back onto his bed and screaming into his pillow.

"Just send him a howler then," Peter suggested having had to have been bribed with several pounds of sweets to not let anything 'slip' about what Peter thought he knew to Remus.

"That's bloody mental Peter," James pointed out.

Peter shrugged and popped a licorice snap in his mouth.

"I guess... but there are no rules saying Howlers have to be mean," Peter explained simply, too pacified by sugar to be anything but brutally honest the past day, to the detriment of three more pillows and James having to hold Sirius from tackling him at least twice.

"Shit…...holy fucking shit you're a genius, Peter! That's bloody brilliant," Sirius shouted, leaping off his bed and scooping up Elvis who seemed bigger everytime James looked at him. The unfortunate cat was swung around by Sirius who was more than a little insane right now from sheer lack of sleep and stress added to the general craziness that he usually exhibited.

"I am?" Peter asked, looking quite pleased with himself.

"Tonight we go to Hogsmeade, mates! I'll need your help figuring out the best way to write the howler...without er….giving stuff away."

"Can we stop at Honeydukes? I'm almost out of sweets."

"Already? Peter, we just bought you a boatload the other day."

"Not my fault you let slip what you shouldn't have," Peter pointed out smugly and James groaned, feeling begrudgingly impressed.

"We taught him too well Sirius."

"That we did but I'm too happy with the twat to care right now. How much longer do you have to buy him, sweets?"

"Another week," James groaned struggling not to laugh as Peter declared proudly he had surpassed his 'mentors'.

"That's fighting words boy," Sirius grumbled with mock irritation, glancing at James with an eyebrow raised in suggestion. James nodded eagerly

"GET HIM!" James shouted, pouncing on Peter's bed who shrieked trying to avoid the assault but was too outnumbered and as Sirius pinned Peter down James tickled his feet until he begged for mercy and nearly peed himself.

"Alright I think…..blimey I think I can sleep but only if you tossers swear to me you'll wake me up in six hours when it's lights out"

"Bloody hell yes, yes I'll do anything for you to sleep, Black. You're a complete nightmare when you don't sleep," James retorted quickly. For a second he thought he might have hit too close to home but then Sirius stuck his tongue out at him before quickly retreating to his bed and passing out. After a few tense minutes, James could hear the slightly heavier breathing that signified Sirius was asleep.

"Thank goodness, I thought he might kill Evans, Peter. Lily is too darn pretty to die."

"Mhm, whatever you say, James. I think Marlene is prettier but whaaaaatever you say."

"You take that back," James gasped, glad he could joke around with Peter who had been a true sport throughout all of this. Peter who had actually been fun when Sirius had been everything but. Peter really was learning well from him and Sirius.

"I solemnly swear that Marlene is the prettiest girl on the planet and I'm going to marry her," Peter declared, crossing his fingers across his chest.

"You're crazy mate, Marlene bosses you around something awful."

"Like Lily won't boss you around," Peter retorted and James couldn't keep the probably goofy smile off his face.

"Alright fair point. Fine, you can have Marlene and I'll have Lily now scooch over I want a pastie."

"I suppose I can share what my generous benefactor has bestowed to me."

"Ha ha ha," James laughed dryly, shoving Peter over.

"Hey, James you think Sirius has been enough of an arse to warrant us drawing on his face?" Peter asked deviously and James let out a real laugh this time.

"Oh definitely!"

Yep, James was really glad that he had Peter and his simplicity to help keep him sane.

…..

Lily has assured Remus she would keep his roommates away, especially Sirius. Remus didn't want to go down to breakfast but Lily insisted, stating that he needed to and remarking slyly that she might just have to tell the matron if he didn't eat something soon.

Remus wasn't pleased but he knew that he owed Lily for being something like his personal 'Black detector' and steering him away from Sirius who had been trying to hunt him down the past few days and who Remus kept panicking too much to flee from properly without Lily's help. So he pacified her by going to breakfast, the Great Hall bustling with the few students who had returned from break and now demanded the details of the Yule Ball. That got enough people talking and reminiscing about it that it was all Remus heard about as he walked with Lily to the Gryffindor table.

"Pay them no mind Remus," Lily whispered encouragingly, as they passed the section of the table where the other Marauders were sitting. Other Marauders? Could Remus even consider himself one anymore? That thought almost made him start crying. Then he realized neither James, Peter, or Sirius had so much as looked at him as he passed and his stomach flipped.

Had they given up on him? Had him being afraid of what Sirius would tell him made him look mental? Had Sirius convinced Peter….oh gosh he hoped Peter didn't know too…..and James that he was a monster?

"Remus, what's wrong?" Lily asked gently, steering him to what she assured him could be his permanent seat...if he needed it to be that was.

"Nothing," he said quickly even though basically everything was wrong right now.

"Wotcher Remus?" Dorcas asked, buttering her toast and giving him a friendly smile. Remus had gotten to know the girls quite well these past few days as he had been spending a lot of time hiding in their room. He was really grateful they didn't seem to mind and Lily had explained with a slight blush that she had explained Black was being an arse which was true and not hard to believe so that her friends didn't think she and Remus were dating. Remus wasn't entirely sure that they didn't think he and Lily were dating but he was much too stressed about other things to care about that right now.

"Hi Dorcas," he replied, giving her a little nod as he sat beside Lily across from her.

"Oh Remus, you must look at this," Marlene, who was quite eccentric at times, spoke up and shoved a magazine under his nose.

"Uh, what?"

"Look!"

"Marlene he can't see if you shove it in his face," Lily explained with an exasperated tone she often got when talking to her roommate which…..nicely put, was quite the handful according to Lily.

"Oh right sorry," Marlene giggled and Remus frowned, confused how she could be so nice to everyone but Peter who she just seemed to boss around. Still, Remus didn't know much about relationships and perhaps that just meant she was more comfortable with Peter than anyone else? "Here now you can see. Well go on you must tell us silly."

"Tell….tell you what?" Remus asked, still confused as he stared at a rather confusing chart of some sort that kept changing and which unnecessarily seemed to be every color imaginable. It gave Remus a headache just looking at it.

"What's your type," Marlene giggled and Remus paled, jerking away from the magazine as if it was cursed, because it probably was.

"Marlene will you quit doing that to people, honestly you use that 'desires of the heart' chart thing like a weapon."

"Aren't you curious to know your type Remus~" Marlene teased and despite Dorcas stating she was above drama Remus saw her glance at the page which apparently was revealing all sorts of rubbish about him? Dorcas stifled a laugh and Remus went bright red.

"Give me that," Lily snapped, confiscating the magazine, though whether it was to prevent Marlene from using the magazine as a weapon or because she wanted to know Remus' results he wasn't sure.

"Oh bollocks," Marlene pouted but didn't physically fight for the magazine as James and Sirius would. Remus resisted the urge to glance down the table, the girls were all very nice to him, well Marlene scared him sometimes, but he really missed his roommates.

Losing the battle he glanced down the table and found the three of his roommates laughing about something, they all seemed excited though what about he couldn't decipher from one quick glance. He could tell they seemed fine though. They all seemed just fine without him...

Of course, you're just a part of their group because you live with them. Who would voluntarily want a werewolf as their friend?

"Ahahahaha, Oh sorry Remus but this is just ridiculous, here look." Lily startled him out of his dark thoughts and he quickly shook his head as she attempted to hand the cursed magazine to him.

"I don't want to know Lily," he replied quickly, aware that he sounded way more afraid than a pre-teen should about these matters. But it didn't matter what type of girl he liked he'd never end up with one. Lily seemed to have read his thoughts because she scowled then shook her head.

"It's complete rubbish Remus it's nothing to be afraid of. In fact, it says 'cannot compute'," Lily chuckled, clearly finding the whole thing highly amusing. Remus wanted to cry, as this just seemed to confirm his worst fears. Which was ridiculous because he should have been more afraid to have an answer rather than none.

"Maybe…..maybe I won't ever like someone," he pointed out, attempting to sound nonchalant and amused about it and failing…..miserably.

Lily frowned realizing her mistake.

"No, no it just means this thing is rubbish. It's a scam, Remus," she explained shooting Marlene a dirty look who opened her mouth to protest. "Look I'll prove it to you," Lily explained firmly, holding the magazine up to her face.

"Maybe you aren't into girls," Marlene giggled looking delighted for some reason Remus couldn't understand. Dorcas whacked Marlene's head lightly reminding him slightly of James who would often do the same thing to Sirius.

"Or you nitwit it means that we're literally twelve and it could be too soon to tell such things as the desire of our hearts or whatever that magazine is called."

"Exactly, Marlene we're twelve, nearly thirteen, we're practically teenagers. Come on Remus you can be honest with us. You boys talk about the same things right?"

"Uh no…...no actually we usually talk about Quidditch or….uh adventures and stuff…" Remus explained uncomfortably and Marlene looked extremely put out by that response though he wasn't sure why. "Well Peter talked about you some," he added trying to be helpful but his answer didn't seem to help at all and he was even more confused.

"See told you," Dorcas said smugly just as Lily let out a shriek, her face dark red, a blush stretching even to her neck and ears and Remus wondered what on earth could have caused such a reaction. Marlene's eyes glittered and she lunged forward but Lily swiftly ripped the page and crumpled it, shoving it into her mug of steaming tea.

"Lily how could you! My sister sent that. Do you know how rare it is to find one that works well?"

"But it doesn't work, it's a nasty joke Marlene," Lily snapped still beat red and Remus ducked his head physically feeling Sirius' eyes on him now. He swallowed trying to find some way to cheer up Lily.

"At least you got a result LIly," he attempted, finding it hard to sound calm since Sirius' stare had filled him with worry.

"Oh, don't you start with me Remus Lupin," Lily huffed in quite a bad mood indeed to still be red in the face and not be even the least bit apologetic for ruining Marlene's toy.

"I didn't mean….I was only trying….." Luckily no one seemed to be listening to him.

"Lily you are awful….oooooooo you are so mean!"

"I am not Marlene, that thing is dreadful, it should be banned from Hogwarts. In fact, I bet it IS banned from Hogwarts and you smuggled in once you got back from visiting your sister in France didn't you?"

"NO!"

"Yes, you did!"

"I did not!"

"Girls, girls what is going on?" Professor McGonagall asked, coming over and Remus wanted to groan. Was he the problem? Did arguments and trouble just follow him wherever he went? Maybe the Marauders were getting along much better without him. They probably went exploring last night…..they probably didn't even miss him...

"Nothing Professor McGonagal," Marlene said, suddenly the perfect picture of innocence.

"Yes, nothing, just a slight argument is all," Lily added sweetly.

"Very well. Try to keep it down and for goodness sakes do try to behave."

Remus was sure Marlene and Lily would start laughing at each other and congratulate each other on narrowly missing getting in trouble. After all, it did seem the magazine was a banned item as Marlene had quickly sat on the rest of it when their head of house had walked over. But Remus was once again reminded of how very different, painfully different, girls were from boys.

"Lily you almost got me in trouble."

"Well, it would have served you right. Bringing such a…..an evil thing into the castle."

Dorcas let out a snort and two pairs of angry eyes glared at her.

"Sorry, sorry I just think it's funny you're implying a dumb magazine is dark magic Lily that's all. Continue with your catfight I won't disturb further," Dorcas replied amused and seemingly unbothered by the girls' glares. Remus was just feeling nervous by being in close proximity to them! Although he didn't suppose he felt nervous by James and Sirius' glares, which were usually aimed at each other, he felt exasperation but not really fear. Maybe it was because Lily was usually so nice, only the things Marlene and she were calling each other weren't nice at all…..!

He found that the two of them were solely concentrated on each other though and realized this must be more common than he had originally thought as no one else at the Gryffindor table reacted much besides a few first-year girls whispering and giggling.

"Hey…...hey Dorcas…..?" he asked in a hushed whisper though Lily and Marlene heard him.

"Yeah?"

"Um….what's a catfight?"

Dorcas snorted and gestured at Marlene and Lily.

"That."

Remus was quite sure at that moment he heard Marlene hiss!

"Huh…...should we…..erm stop it….?"

Dorcas looked amused and shook her head.

"No, they go at it from time to time. They are both very different you see. Just be lucky you don't room with them as it gets unbearable at times, it sure does. Once they put their claws away they'll give each other the cold shoulder and will try to complain to me but they will get over it soon enough."

"Oh…they don't physically fight?" Remus asked, thinking of James and Sirius. For whatever reason they seemed to be able to leave their anger behind after fighting, Remus supposed both that and catfights seemed odd to him.

"Sometimes….Marlene pulled Lily's hair once and Lily got her back. Phew, that girl has a mean punch. But usually, they just bicker until they get sick of it or…." Dorcas frowned suddenly, as the owls swooped down dropping letters in front of people, one of which fell in front of Marlene who went dead quiet. "Or that…'' Dorcas explained with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"Oh, Marlene I'm sorry," Lily said reaching out and squeezing her friend's arm in support. Remus actually did a double-take at the turnaround and glanced at Dorcas for explanation only she was looking at Marlene now whose eyes had filled with tears.

"I don't know what they could possibly be complaining about this time my marks are mostly good." Marlene sniffed, ripping open the letter in such a similar way to how Sirius did that Remus finally understood.

"How bad is it this time?" Lily asked sympathetically as Marlene scanned the letter much like Sirius did, as if the faster they read it the less it would hurt.

"They are upset about the fact I got less than stellar on my astronomy exam…..and they know I missed a history of magic assignment," Marlene sniffed looking downright miserable.

"I'm sorry Mars," Dorcas said gently, giving her a side hug.

"What are you looking at?" Marlene asked defensively and Remus jumped realizing he had been staring.

"Sorry I'm sorry I just…...how…..how did they know that? I thought marks are only given out so often."

"Because I told them duh," Marlene explained like it was obvious.

"W…...why tell them?" Remus asked purely because he was so surprised! Sirius had told him that his parents occasionally tried to ask him about his marks and he merely wrote back "none of your damn business' when they tried. Maybe Marlene didn't want to face a dementor? Was she pureblood?

"Because they force me to write on a parchment that highlights the words red if you lie and if I don't bi-weekly updates they take away my allowance. Don't worry the lying pad is not out on the market yet my 'brilliant older sister' is inventing it as we speak. I'm nothing compared to her as my parents keep reminding me," Marlene explained bitterly.

Remus didn't think the mean letters Marlene got from her parents were worth whatever allowance she got but he kept his mouth shut about that.

"That's awful Marlene I'm so sorry."

"Awww thank you Remus you are so nice!" Marlene gushed and Remus blinked, finding girls to be more dizzying than he had ever thought they might be. "So Lily since you ruined that page you have to make it up to me by telling me what the magazine said about what type of boy you like." Marlene declared waiting until Lily was taking a sip of her juice so she nearly started choking on it. Remus thought he caught her glancing down the table before she scowled at Marlene.

"Absolutely not."

Marlene opened her mouth and Remus was afraid they'd go at it again when Dorcas spoke up with a smirk.

"I'm curious why you're so adamant it's accurate Mars. Did it show you, Peter, when you used it on yourself?"

"Don't be stupid Dorcas it doesn't show a picture it just lists traits either personality or physical or both...and I'm not telling you what it says."

"Guess it wasn't poor Peter then huh?"

Marlene went scarlet herself and this time Remus was sure that glances were being shot towards the boys. He had thought James was bad for talking about Lily all the time. He never imagined the girls were worse! Just wait until he told his friends that the girls…. Remus' faint amusement faded as he realized he'd probably never be able to joke around with his friends again. He'd probably have to get used to hanging out with the girls….and that didn't seem like the best option. He supposed he should just be lucky that Lily was still his friend.

Remus found himself glancing down the table again and flinched looking away quickly as this time Sirius' eyes met his. Remus looked away just in time for a large red envelope to fall in front of him.

"Oh no,…" he gasped, feeling lightheaded.

"Oh, Remus…." Lily sighed sadly, gripping his hand with her own in a comforting gesture. "Go on….you best get it over."

Remus started tearing it open with trembling hands expecting it to be from his father or worse….his uncle.