Chapter Nine: An Unusual Howler
Remus hesitated feeling very hot and uncomfortable. This was his uncle's revenge since he hadn't been able to get his hands on Remus…..the howler in front of him must be from his uncle.
What if he outed him as a werewolf? Was his uncle upset enough? Remus knew he was cruel enough to but was he upset enough to? Trying not to cry Remus glanced at the staff table where he found Dumbledore looking at him but the headmaster only winked which stressed Remus out more.
Did Dumbledore not see he was holding an infamous howler, one that could potentially out him. Or worse, did Dumbledore know and not care? Had Dumbledore not wanted him to return and now would have a legitimate reason to kick him out?
"Mmm," he flinched and let out a pitiful embarrassing sound as Lily gently touched his arm looking sad.
"Go on Remus, it's starting to fizz."
"You can do it Remus, it will be over quickly. I got one once. They aren't that bad" Marlene explained, actually sounding sincere.
Remus glanced down and the angry red envelope had indeed started to fizz. Knowing there was no way to avoid it Remus avoided glancing at Marlene and Dorcas who had been so nice to him and now would hate him as he finished opening the howler.
"REMUS LUPIN YOU ARE A MORON BECAUSE YOU WON'T EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE TO APOLOGIZE AND YOU KNOW HOW IMPATIENT I AM."
Remus tried not to groan and glance down the table, that was most definitely not his uncle's voice but another one he recognized oh so well...
"WELL I GOT SO IMPATIENT YOU WENT AND MADE ME DO IT THIS WAY AND NOW WE CAN BOTH BE EMBARRASSED BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR HIDING AND THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR BEING A DOLT. I'M AN ARSE REMUS I KNOW IT. I KNOW I HURT YOUR FEELINGS I KNOW I BETRAYED YOUR TRUST AND I KNOW I'M A DAMN AWFUL FRIEND. BUT I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND AND NOTHING...NOTHING HAS CHANGED THAT UNDERSTAND? SO QUIT RUNNING AND MAN UP AND LET ME APOLOGIZE. JAMES SAID I SHOULD THREATEN TO MAKE IT AN EVEN MORE SAPPY APOLOGY FOR EACH DAY YOU DON'T LET ME APOLOGIZE. BUT BLOODY HELL WHERE WOULD THAT EVEN LEAVE US? PETER MADE ME PROMISE TO GIVE HIM CREDIT FOR THE BRILLIANT IDEA
Remus heard an incredulous shout from Peter down the table who clearly did not want Remus knowing this awful idea had been his.
SO IF YOUR MAD BE MAD AT HIM. AHEM WELL I'M PRETTY BAD AT THIS AND I KNOW THE WHOLE OF BLOODY HOGWARTS IS HEARING THIS SO I CAN'T SAY EVERYTHING I WANT TO SO YEAH COME TALK TO ME YOU GIT. ALSO FEEL BAD FOR ME BECAUSE I'M PROBABLY GONNA GET A DETENTION SINCE I'M PRETTY SURE STUDENTS AREN'T ALLOWED TO SEND HOWLERS. BLIMEY I'M TIRED I HAVEN'T SLEPT WELL IN A WEEK. ER NOT THAT IT'S YOUR FAULT IT'S MINE I KNOW IT. AH SHOOT JAMES IS SIGNALING TO ME I BOTCHED THIS ONE UP AS WELL BUT WE'VE ALREADY SCRAPPED FIVE SO SCREW IT I'M SENDING THIS ONE AND IF THE WHOLE SCHOOL THINKS I'M A JOKE IT'S WHAT I BLOODY DESERVE NOW ISN'T IT. SO ONE MORE TIME IN CASE YOU'VE SPACED OUT IN COMPLETE HORROR THROUGHOUT THIS. REMUS I AM SO SORRY AND WE ARE 15000 PERCENT STILL FRIENDS…..IF YOU WANT TO BE THAT IT. OK JAMES IS LOOKING LIKE I'VE MURDERED SOMEONE, PROBABLY MY REPUTATION HAHAHA. BUT YEAH I'M SORRY. OK, OK JAMES, I'M DONE NOW HAPPY!"
Remus did not wait to hear if the laughter at Sirius' expense would ever die down or not. He wasn't sure why he heard some older students whisper 'fags' or why on earth Sirius would think this was a sane idea. Remus just knew he had to get outside before he broke down and started sobbing in front of the whole school. So he left. He was pretty sure Lily tried to follow but that James stopped her. Remus himself didn't stop to think about why James might have braved stopping Lily until he had already run outside and realized his horrible mistake.
"Remus you know I can run faster than you so quit running!"
"No," Remus screamed because Sirius Black had once more reduced him into a frantic mess!
"Please."
"No!" Remus shouted back along with trying to tell Sirius to leave him alone. Only it was hard to run while crying and before he could finish properly telling Sirius off he tripped and fell. Already on the ground, he started punching the earth in frustration because he could hear from the slight gasps that Sirius had caught up to him.
"Blimey, you're fast when you want to be huh?"
"Leave me alone!"
"No! I mean…..I mean if you want me to after you hear me out that's fine... well not fine but I promised James and Professor Corbyn...oh yeah I talked to him he's been helping me you see get over my prejudice…..but yeah if you don't want to be friends then I've got to respect than and James made me promise to tell you he would still be friends…...guess we'd split James fairly or some rubbish. Anyways that's not the point. The point is I'm a moron and I was wrong and I know I was wrong I bloody know it. I treated you terribly….I said horrible things and I reacted like an arse. I am an arse...no I'm a wanker a giant one..or er a small one?... Whichever is the worst insult that's what I am….Remus? Are you laughing or crying? I can't tell…... Remus…...Remus?…."
Remus wasn't quite sure if he was laughing or crying….probably somewhere between the chaotic medium of doing both at once because he was a mess. He had no idea what to say to Sirius. He wanted to be his friend? Sirius was sorry? Sirius looked downright distraught about it too bouncing back and forth on his feet unsure what to do.
"Sirius I…..what are on earth…...do you have to apologize for?" Remus struggled to get the right words out between his hiccups. He expected Sirius to look relieved about this, for him to grin and say "I know I don't have to be sorry if anything I should be thanked for being brave enough to stay your friend." What he didn't expect was for Sirius to start full-on bawling. Bawling! His sobbing friend dropped to his knees looking like he might fall over and die and Remus' hysteria was replaced by worry instead.
"Sirius what's wrong?" he asks quietly, a sort of horror quickly filling him since he half expected Sirius to admit that he had tried to be his friend….had tried to see him as a human but no longer could and was crying about it because for all that Sirius thought he was a terrible person he really was quite nice.
"I can't…... I can't" Sirius wailed loudly and Remus forced himself to sit up straighter and put on a brave face when all he wanted to do was to start sobbing again and never stop.
"It…...it's ok Sirius you….you don't have to. I….." Remus could feel himself get choked up as the tears physically stung his eyes. He had to squeeze his eyes shut so he wouldn't chicken out and start begging Sirius to stay and be his friend. "...I appreciate you trying. It means so much knowing you tried to be my friend after...finding out..."
"What? No...oh you bloody moron no."
Remus opened his eyes surprised, only to find Sirius launching himself at him tackling him back into the grass hugging him so tightly Remus could hardly breathe. Was Sirius trying to kill him? But then he realized Sirius was crying harder and Remus tried to pat his back consolingly while getting no air.
"S…..Si…..us…" he choked out.
"Crap sorry dammit sorry," Sirius sobbed, lessening his hold and Remus was forced to consider the mind-blowing possibility that Sirius Black might actually still want to be his friend.
"Sirius...do you mean it?"
"Yes, I mean it. I only meant. Gosh you're bloody mental...it's not your fault it's you bloody wanker of a father's I'm sure. But dammit I'm getting all tongue-tied again. I'm your friend for life Remus so you better get used to it...er you still want to be right?"
Remus let out a true laugh that spread throughout him.
"I thought you wouldn't...I thought you couldn't be my friends anymore..."
"No...no I mean it's hard and I sort of thought I'd see a dementor when I looked at you again but I don't Remus I don't I just see my giant swot of a friend!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Says the person tackling me to the ground...wait dementor?" Remus asked surprised and he expected Sirius to get off him now but his friend didn't perhaps crying too hard to move. Remus did a better job of rubbing Sirius' back now that he could breathe properly. But he felt frantic, a good frantic...a...an exciting sort of frantic that made him downright giddy. Sirius still wanted to be his friend. Sirius still wanted to be his friend! It was the most amazing sentence and Remus wanted to say it out loud just so that he could believe it a little more. Sirius knew what he was...knew and wanted to be his friend! How could such a thing be possible? Remus started laughing again and Sirius kept sobbing the two of them a complete mess.
"Ahem, I hate to break up this touching reunion men but Sirius' timing wasn't impeccable as we have class in like fifteen minutes so you can go back to being disgustingly adorable swats after class ok," James stated unable to keep the smile off his face and tears out of his eyes.
"Screw class," Sirius mumbled, burying his face in Remus' shoulder and whispering something in his shoulder that he couldn't quite properly hear but sounded sort of like 'never again'.
"You two do know you look like a pair of poofs right?" James asked, amused.
"You're just jealous James," Sirius muttered but finally let go of Remus and helped him so they were both crouched in the grass.
"Terribly so," James replied sarcastically and Remus felt his face heating in embarrassment. "Oh come on don't you two be all shy around each other now I don't think I could bear it again. You're not actually poofs I was only bloody kidding."
"It's not...not that...'' Remus stammered pinching himself hard with trembling fingers. He still couldn't quite meet Sirius' eyes afraid that this was an elaborate joke that would most certainly destroy the little that was left whole of him.
"What is it?" Sirius asked worriedly.
"You...you know? This isn't...you aren't in...in denial...right?" Remus stammered and he heard James groan from the little distance away from where he was standing.
"I...yeah...I know you're a werewolf...oh crap I mean...you have lycanthropy that's a better way of saying it right?" Sirius stammered sounding so awkward that Remus glanced at him and found him staring intently at him, so much emotion in those stormcloud eyes that seemed to be letting some sunlight through at the moment, so much emotion Remus couldn't even begin to sort through it all. He could barely handle all his own emotions right now, but one was winning out through all of them, an emotion he was quite unfamiliar with but which burned brightly inside of him all the same, joy.
"It's ok Sirius. I mean James calls it my 'furry little problem', you can't get much worse than that."
"Hey, that's a bloody brilliant title and you know it!" James shouted scandalized.
Sirius cracked a grin but Remus could see the questions forming, the hungry desire to know everything to tear Remus completely apart and discover every last detail about him. Remus shuddered, feeling both terrified and a weird sort of thrill that coiled around in his stomach.
"Oi quit staring at each other! I'm serious though mates we have to get going to class or we'll be late," James called snapping his fingers at them as if thinking they were in some sort of trance. Remus had to admit it felt...odd. James had accepted him but Sirius' acceptance felt bigger...more important. Obviously, it was because of how much dislike Sirius had for dark creatures but it still felt...odd and amazing!
"You aren't Sirius, I am James," Sirius replied, finally pulling his gaze away from Remus who was struggling not to start gasping. He glanced away from Sirius who was wiggling his eyebrows at James and saying something Remus wasn't focusing on. Sirius wanted to know everything...and part of Remus wanted to tell him everything...but...but Remus didn't even know everything which dampened some of the joy he was feeling.
"Earth to Remus, hey...oi Remus!" James shouted and Remus flinched letting out a nervous laugh and looking away from Sirius and James who were watching him with concern. Only he was fine, Remus was happy, probably better than he had ever been before. So why did that hurt so much?
"Alright I'm calling it," Sirius declared in a formal voice.
"Calling what?"
"Today, January 3rd is an anniversary, a holiday, a monument of the Marauders' amazing friendship! We can survive anything guys. We are going to be friends for life we all are!" Sirius shouted in awe. "So let's just skip school let's just celebrate and just...just talk because there's nothing to hide now!" Sirius looked quite dazzling with the wild excitement in his eyes. Remus knew it was hardly worth stopping him when he got like that, Sirius Black had made today a holiday and if there was something that got Sirius excited it was a holiday.
"Where's Peter? We can't be the Marauders without him," James pointed out but the excitement had caught in his eyes and Remus highly suspected he wasn't going to class today. Only he couldn't quite find it in himself to care much at all.
"Does Peter know?" Remus asked surprised by how much he wanted to tell Peter, by how much he wanted his friends to know and accept him, and how darn right giddy it was making him. They were still his friends!
"Er...yeah well...about that mate..." James began awkwardly and Sirius stifled a groan as James began to explain what had happened with Peter.
"Do you think...he'd want to be my friend still?" Remus asked unsurely. Sirius and James glanced at each other and Remus waited, knowing if Peter couldn't be ok with him that it would be quite painful. It was four Marauders not three and Remus really wanted Peter to be ok with it. He had a really hard time predicting Peter's reaction though when he tried to.
"Definitely," James declared, thumping Sirius' back who nearly fell down and shot James a half-hearted glare. "If this kid can get over his prejudice anyone can."
"I'm older than you James," Sirius pointed out sullenly then grinned. "Hey let's show Peter the Shrieking Shack it's literally the coolest place ever to have gatherings, with a bit of work it will be like our own private clubhouse."
Remus suddenly felt ill thinking of all of them being there...being in that...that awful filthy place. That place where he tore himself to bits and lost all sense of control. Why did they want to go there? Why would they make him go there? What if this was still a trick?
How could he think that, they were his friends! But. What. If. It. Was. A. TRICK?
"The Marauders official clubhouse. Sounds good to me."
Remus tried to think of something other than that awful place and how his friends were planning to take Peter there as if it was some cool place to party. He hunched over slightly on the ground trying not to bring attention to himself but sure he was going to throw up as his stomach roiled unhappily.
"Sweet I'll go fetch him from Flitwick's," Sirius explained both James and Sirius so excited and proud of themselves for being open about Remus' condition they didn't realize Remus was panicking.
"You sure you don't want me to go?"
They wanted to go there! Were they expecting him to be fine with it? How could they?
Did they understand anything about him? How could they be so stupid? How could he be so stupid?
The first time he'd transform they would pull away. Sirius wouldn't hug him as he had! It would be like his dad all over again. Every month things would just start to get back to normal and then Remus would ruin it again. Just like he ruined everything, absolutely everything!
"Nah, I'm sure I'm already in trouble for the Howler, remember? Besides I've decided to embrace the shit storm that will happen when I go home. This means I'm untouchable baby WHOOOOOOO!" Sirius took off bolting up the hill screaming at the top of his lungs leaping up and down in his glee.
"Gosh he's absolutely mental isn't he like actually mental don't you reckon Re...OH crap...Remus...hey...hey uh Remus?"
Remus clutched his chest hardly able to hear over the thundering of his heart in his ears and the screaming in his mind that he couldn't seem to stop.
"Sirius! SIRIUS COME BACK! Ah, think James dammit think what does Peter do again?..."
Remus could barely breathe! He was pretty sure he was dying, a suffocating feeling of dread had completely absorbed him and he was vaguely aware of the tears streaming down his cheeks. Help me!
He wanted to scream but he couldn't get enough air in his lungs and instead he collapsed to the ground curling into a fetal position, vaguely aware that James was shouting something at him or himself. Probably him, everyone always shouted at him, his dad shouted a lot. He tried not to think about his dad and uncle fighting about how his father had stormed back in shouting for Remus to hurry up, how his father hardly said two words to him as he dropped him off in Hogsmeade to wait for McGonagall to pick him up. Remus tried not to think about his uncle blaming him for something and his father not defending him.
He really thought he could have friends! What utter nonsense. He was nothing he was nobody...he was a monster that's all he was...
"Remus!"
Suddenly hands were touching Remus' face and he let out a strangled shout before James sort of came into focus.
"Sorry, I didn't know what to do. You were whimpering and...and wheezing. Just look at me Remus...look at me and breathe. Whatever is upsetting you we can figure it out together. Look at me come on," James instructed in an awkward embarrassed tone that was so James that Remus clung to it taking in every detail of his friend from his unruly black hair to his hazel eyes that seemed so worried.
"Shit, er right...um breathe...do you need help doing that...can you nod...?"
Remus was too confused and filled with dread to feel embarrassment at the moment and nodded weakly.
"Ok that's cool I mean it's not fuck...I mean I want you to breathe Remus gosh please keep breathing," James pleaded tears threatening to fall from the edge of his eyes his sweaty palms still pressed firmly against Remus' checks as if he could somehow take away Remus' panic that way. "Ok,...ok you can do this James think. Right...I'm going to breathe in through my nose real slow and you're going to copy me ok? Can you do that?"
Remus nodded still unable to get an acceptable amount of air in so he was starting to feel a bit dizzy.
"No, you gotta follow me...Remus stop hyperventilating please...erm...just...just listen to my voice...yeah right...right like think of your favorite noise or something. No, that's not it...ok ok I've got it...Lily was bothering me about learning things to help you didn't think I'd need to...ah focus...ok Remus...ahem..."
His friend who kept swimming in and out of focus tense tone that had been giving away he was clearly panicking himself changed and sounded calmer somehow.
"Breathe in through your nose 1, 2, 3, 4 now hold it 1, 2, 3, 4...now let it out through your mouth...1...2...3...4. Yes, YES you're doing it Remus good job," Remus flinched at James' loud tone who seemed to realize it. "Oh crap right...calm tone...calm. Ok, let's do that again."