Chapter Twelve: Marauders for Life

Sirius trailed behind when they entered the castle. James glanced back at him but he subtly shook his head and James nodded turning back around and talking to Peter.

"Are…..you doing alright?" he asked Remus hesitantly.

"Yeah I'm fine," Remus replied cheerfully, the sort of false cheerfulness that Sirius wondered why he bothered with around him.

"That's bollocks and you know it," Sirius retorted and Remus let his smile slip.

"Sorry."

"Whatever for?" Sirius asked, surprised to see guilt in Remus' eyes. What the bloody hell did he have to be guilty about?

Remus gestured to himself a bit helplessly and Sirius was forced to re-remember what had caused him to start sobbing in a completely embarrassing manner. Remus Lupin hated himself. Not the sort of 'ugh I hate myself' attitude that seemed to be cropping up their year and the years above prompted by pimples or bad hair days. Sirius suspected, and feared, Remus' hate seeped deep down past what Sirius reckoned he had ever felt with his periods of deep self-loathing. Sirius wanted desperately for this not to be the case nor was he entirely sure what to do about it. He just knew it broke his heart.

"You guys go ahead," Sirius called and wasn't surprised when James and Peter didn't miss a beat. Remus paled which Sirius thought a little uncalled for, and took several steps back.

"Sirius…...it's a holiday, right? Let's just have a good time…." Remus protested raising his hands slightly in front of himself to prevent...what? He didn't think Sirius was going to hurt him, did he? Sirius tried to stay calm knowing it wasn't Remus' fault he hated himself, actually having a pretty damn good idea of whose fault it was. But staying calm wasn't exactly something Sirius excelled at. He lunged forward grabbing the surprised Remus' wrist and dragging him the opposite way of James and Peter unsure where he was headed exactly. There wasn't exactly a place they could talk privately now was there?

Unless there was.

"Sirius I won't run you can let go…..you already know everything so there's no point in this," Remus protested but the slight high pitch as he spoke and the fact that Sirius was painfully aware that if anything he had more questions that ever caused him to ignore his squirming friend. Careful to keep both of them low as they passed some classrooms which were all in full swing, Sirius made a beeline for the Great Hall since no one would be there at this time of day.

"Sirius, please….let's just…...can't this wait?" Remus pleaded and Sirius shook his head gently pushing Remus onto one of the Hufflepuff benches since it was closest waiting only until the large door swung shut with a satisfying echoing 'thump'.

"Why are you apologizing?" he asked and Remus blinked, caught off guard by what he appeared to find a simple question. Sirius ignored the pang in his heart. He would not dwell on how completely miserable Remus' life had been up until now he would just do his damn best to make it less sucky.

"Because…" Remus glances around uncomfortable talking about this in such a wide space even though they were alone. Sirius was pretty sure they were anyways. "Because….my furry little problem is a lot to deal with. None of you should have to….."

Sirius cut him off before he could continue.

"Remus how many times have I told you that friends are there for each other through thick and thin."

"Yeah but it's a lot of thick!" Remus cried bitterly, his warm eyes filled with a coolness that certainly did not belong in them.

"So?"

"So you aren't going…...what makes you so sure you will stay friends with me after…" Again he glanced furtively around and Sirius sort of wished he had come up with a better place to talk but the classrooms were all preoccupied.

"Because you dolt we're friends. That's not going to change when you…..have a bad night." Sirius insisted confused as to what the problem was. Remus did realize he had already put his friends through a tremendous amount of trouble and worry already right? Not that Sirius was complaining it just hurt that Remus didn't have more faith in them.

"You don't understand Sirius you know now….and then…..when it sinks in you'll flinch away and tell me to stay in my room and…."

Oh.

Sirius let out a low growl and resisted the urge to slam his palm on the table not wanting to scare Remus more, only he was so very very angry!

Thump!

Remus jumped eyes going wide as Sirius used his palm now securely on the table to lean over slightly in a rather intimidating posture towards Remus who had a rather helpless look on his face.

"We. are. Not. your. Dad." Sirius stressed each word with another slam of his hand on the table picturing Remus' father's face. What an awful despicable man!

"I…..I…..know….I only…"

"Remus we aren't ever going to leave you. Not ever. Marauders for life, I solemnly swear it."

Why did he still look unsure? It was maddening, Remus Lupin was straight up maddening.

"You really don't think…," Remus trailed off his eyes looking downcast and Sirius wanted to scream.

"Don't think what? I hope you aren't implying I don't think at all as that would be incredibly wrong and rude of you," Sirius retorted and some of the tension left his body as the corners of Remus' mouth twitched upwards.

"Well yes but that's another matter entirely," Remus quipped then realizing Sirius wasn't about to drop the matter after all he frowned staring at his hands clenched tightly in his lap.

"You….don't think…..I'm a monster…?" Remus asked uncertainly, his voice quivering and so soft that Sirius almost had to lean in to hear him. The anger left Sirius' body and he fell into the sweat beside Remus.

"We said awful things Remus….I…...I don't know how you can forgive me so easily for all of it and if you say there's nothing to forgive I'll scream and we'll both get detentions so there," Sirius stated firmly, "but no I don't think you're a monster you'd probably start crying if you accidentally killed the spiders that James makes you or me take care of cuz he's a wuss. Now does that sound like a monster to you, well does it?"

"No…..but…"

"Then that's that and I don't want to hear any more rubbish about it."

Remus was silent for a long time then nodded and Sirius was very pleased with himself. That was pretty simple to fix, after all, he wasn't half bad at this.

"And another thing you're going to start liking yourself dammit because James and I are too cool to be hanging out with anyone who is less than fantastic got it?"

Again a long silence before Remus nodded and Sirius grinned.

"And lastly you're going to participate in more of our shenanigans and quit lecturing us about getting our homework done on time, got it?"

Sirius expected Remus to make a witty retort about how if he didn't lecture them Sirius and James would flunk out and be homeless bums that Remus would be stuck taking care of. Although now that Sirius thought about it really he and James needed to be taking care of Remus. Sirius quite liked that notion, he and James would figure out something to fix lycanthropy and the Marauders would all live in a house together and Remus wouldn't be able to give them any trouble about their shenanigans since he would be so grateful to them for finding out a way to reverse lycanthropy. Sirius grinned until he realized Remus hadn't replied and that he had just nodded.

"Oi are you even listening to me?"

Sirius' worry grew when Remus didn't reply and he slid off his seat scrunching down on the ground so he could peer up at Remus' face which was covered in tears.

"Remus….what's wrong?"

"Nothing…," Remus' face grew red and he quickly wiped the snot and tears off his face turning around so he was facing the table and away from Sirius.

"You're not blubbering like a baby for no reason, out with it," Sirius demanded realizing a bit too late that teasing Remus right now probably wasn't helping things. Remus buried his face into his arms and cried harder in response to Sirius' comment which made him feel like an arse. He had told himself he'd never hurt Remus again and that had lasted all of a few hours….

"I didn't mean it, Remus come on….." he mumbled sitting back beside Remus and awkwardly wrapping his arm around his shoulders. He had to lean in to hear whatever Remus was mumbling into his arms.

"Sorry mate, I didn't quite catch that…."

"I shouldn't be crying….I don't know why I am….Really I'm so happy that you all…..all are willing to be my friend still…... I really am just being a wuss for no good reason….I'm sorry Sirius,"

"Ugh enough with the apologizing. I mean I can't pretend to know…..what it's like for you but after James and Peter found out about the…." it was Sirius' turn to glance around and he leaned in closer feeling foolish as he continued in a whisper, "whole dementor thing I cried for like days afterward…..I guess I just felt….humiliated…...it doesn't exactly feel great having your dirty knickers aired…...not that….I mean I know it's not that same."

"No…...no it is. I just…...being in that shack….."

"I blame James for being a downer about it, we could have touched it up some, hung a few posters, stashed some snacks there."

Remus sat up face still covered in tears looking at him incredulously.

"Sirius…..I would destroy it…... I would keep destroying it…..that's what I….that's what happens…"

Oh.

"And it…..it would be like…like trying to make a clubhouse out of the basement in your house…..and the cupboard where…..where bad things happen. It's hard to explain but….it's like that."

Oh!

"I didn't think about that….. Well, no matter we'll find a better clubhouse somewhere else…...we won't go back there like that again ok?"

Remus nodded looking miserable.

"But hey at least Peter took it well, I'm still a bit thrown by it honestly but...I mean I'm happy about it for your sake more than anything else, just a bit surprising is all."

Remus nodded again looking almost expectantly at Sirius.

"When did it happen anyways….?" Sirius asked, unable to hold back longer, not when Remus was waiting for the question.

"A few years ago...don't remember much…" Remus mumbled tiredly and though Sirius was quite certain that wasn't the truth he didn't have the heart nor know the right words to say to question the topic further.

There was a lot more Sirius wanted to ask Remus but his friend looked so tired and downtrodden, on a holiday of all days, that Sirius decided it could in fact wait.

"Come on, we're close to the kitchen so let's nick some proper treats and have a feast upstairs, yeah?"

Remus, at last, gave a faint smile.

"Alright."

…..

Remus followed Sirius who babbled on about the sort of games they'd play today and how they'd go exploring later tonight in true Marauder fashion and work more on the map of whose outline they almost had done….of the first east wing anyways…. Remus was relieved Sirius hadn't pushed further and surprised that his feeble answer of a 'a few years ago' was suitable;e for Sirius infamously curious Black. Remus realized that Sirius must not want to know the truth, that deep down he must be afraid of realizing how young Remus had been. Because really what good was it for his friends to know he had been 5…..or 4? Remus's head throbbed in warning like it typically did when he started to think about his past.

He really should be happier. He wasn't sure why he felt so heavy although Sirus admitting he had cried after James and Peter found out about the dementor helped Remus feel a bit better. He just felt so tired, and he still had so much to puzzle out for himself. For starters who had left the chest of gold which Remus had stashed in his trunk having somehow managed to go get it while his father had gone to the pub before taking him to Hogsmead. Remus didn't like the idea of his father living with his uncle but he wasn't sure even the gold he could provide would fix that.

"Remus, what are you spacing out about?" Sirius asked and Remus looked up to find that Sirius was scrutinizing him closely and that they had already arrived at the portrait of the pear.

"About how incredibly foolish it is for us to skip a whole day of lessons and how idiotic I am to be going along with it."

Sirius scoffed and ticked the pear letting Remus enter the kitchens bustling with house-elves first.

"Can't really argue with you on that one. But just you wait in a few years from now you'll be thanking me for inviting this holiday."

"Doubt that very much. I reckon that the only thing I will be thanking you for in a few years is if you figure out how to stop James' maddening fawning over Lily."

Sirius let out a laugh and Remus felt himself smile more sincerely than he was expecting to.

"I might be a good mate but I don't know if even I'm that bloody good."

"Pity," Remus sighed and Sirius laughed again.

"Pity indeed."