Chapter Fourteen: A Quest for Answers

The next few weeks passed in a blur of lessons and getting used to school again after what felt like a terribly long break for Remus. Dorcas apparently wanted to have a party with just her girls this year which James and Sirius were put off about. Not that they would have been invited anyway, not with how Lily was on them about attacking Severus as they had supposedly done. James and Sirius had feigned innocence but Remus knew them well enough to find them both a little too proud of themselves to have done nothing. Only Remus didn't bother them about it, just hoping it wouldn't lead to retaliation….at least not right away anyways. Plus, Remus hadn't been spending a lot of time with his friends lately, even Lily, preferring to spend time alone.

It wasn't that Remus completely avoided his roommates outright but he had a lot on his mind and could often be found sitting in window ledges watching the first years, or his friends, play in the snow. Remus found he needed to sit hidden away from prying eyes while he tried to sort through all the many things he was feeling. It didn't help that there was an undercurrent of tension with all the Marauders that filled in the silences like one of Remus' many failed potions which would ooze between the cork of the potion bottle, not exploding but not staying in the vial either. That was a lot like how things with his friends were. They had fun together and then a silence fell and where it would normally feel normal, not even worth noting the comfortable natural pauses, it now felt wrong and just sort of…..oozed between them all.

James handled the tension by being louder and even more overconfident about certain topics, specifically Quidditch and eventually getting Lily to like him. Both topics were ones that made Remus want to cover his head with a pillow when James went off about them, which because of the wrong feeling tension that seemed to hang in the air was a lot. Even worse was that they all knew the full moon was approaching and Remus was unable to hide how anxious he was about it. He couldn't help but still be thinking in the back of his mind that they wouldn't be his friend….not after knowing what was causing his disappearance. Surely they wouldn't want to be his friends after witnessing the result of the full moon the next morning which they were pressuring Remus about allowing. Well Peter was, James and Sirius seemed unable to mention the word 'werewolf' and Remus swore everytime Sirius entered the DADA classroom, which had been absent of guest speakers lately, his friend would pale a little bit.

"Why won't they just ask me about it, Peter?" Remus mumbled as they watched James and Sirius zoom around the Quidditch pitch during class, the relay races a great way for their flying professor to gauge their individual skills levels. Of course, she had pitted Sirius and James together since the young woman seemed to have a pretty good attitude about most things even if she took flying safety seriously, which was honestly a welcome attitude to have in Remus' book. He had been sure he would regret taking the no longer mandated class but had decided at the beginning of the year that Sirius and James' complaining about him not being in the class would be worse than the actual class itself. Luckily, with Madam Hooch teaching them and all the students being 'heavily encouraged' to take flying again as their first year of instruction had been rather a disaster, Remus found he did not mind the class too much.

"Well, it's because they know they've said really mean things in the past and neither of them feels they have the right to ask specific questions, innit?" Peter attempted to explain. He was the only one out of Remus' roommates who was acting normally...well almost. Remus did not miss the way Peter had yet to touch him and the slight difference in space between them as they sat in the stands which made it clear what Peter thought about Remus being a werewolf. But Remus could handle that, especially since Peter still seemed able to talk to him. Remus found it was better than the other two and Peter had actually become somewhat of an interpreter to what some of James and Sirius' weirder gestures had meant.

What Remus decided he couldn't handle was Sirius and James both seeming to think they had to take care of him while also no longer seeming to be able to talk to him. James had even tried to butter his toast the other day as if Remus no longer knew how to! Remus knew they were just, in their own weird way, trying to help how they could while at the same time trying to give him space. However, it felt too uncomfortable and unnatural for Remus to really appreciate it. Especially strange was to have Sirius who had been hounding Remus since last year no longer outwardly seem to have anything else he wanted to know. Only, Remus knew because of Sirius' first botched attempt to get answers out of him that this wasn't at all true.

Plus, Remus could hear Sirius and James huddling on James' bed and whispering before casting a silencing charm around their bed, talking for hours. It wasn't that Remus minded them talking without out him, he had accepted long ago that he would never be quite on par with James' and Sirius' friendship with each other. Rather, it was that Remus knew the two of them were talking about him since he had heard more than once "shh make sure Remus can't hear us." So, along with Remus' increasingly cruel nightmares about his friends changing their minds about him the strangeness from the Marauders was taking its toll on Remus.

This led Remus to consider doing something he never would have imagined he would have done last year, let alone a few weeks ago.

"Peter… I think I'm going to call a Marauders meeting," Remus decided, immediately feeling better once he had made the decision.

"Really?" Peter shouted in surprise. All of the Marauders had called the meetings before, usually about something dumb, except for Remus. Plus, it was probably painstakingly clear what the meeting would be about. But…..this was the correct thing to do...right?

"Shhhh," he shushed Peter, aware that a few eyes were on them now. Peter and Remus had gone first in the relay race, Peter not surprisingly beating Remus and almost giving him a high five afterward before seeming to catch himself. Remus glanced at Peter who was now solely focused on shouting in support for James who had surged ahead at the last minute beating Sirius by a fraction of a second. Madam Hooch blew her whistle but Sirius and James paid her no mind and Sirius must have said something along the lines of "best two out of three" as they took off flying again. The whole class watched the two brooms navigate the course of swoops and dives made more complicated for Sirius and James since Madam Hooch had found keeping the two of them from taking 'naps' on their brooms during class as a personal challenge.

"BOYS, YOU BETTER GET DOWN HERE, RIGHT NOW!" she hollered, her voice surprisingly loud even without an enhancement charm. Sirius and James both feigned deafness though and Remus held back a heavy sigh shaking his head.

"Come on Peter we best head down there," Remus pointed out knowingly. He got to his feet only Peter didn't seem to have heard him as the wide-eyed boy was engrossed in watching James beat out Sirius by a fraction of a second again. In excitement, Peter leaped up and ended up brushing Remus with his hand.

"AHH!" Peter shouted, face twisting into fear and disgust as he fell onto the bench clutching the hand that had touched Remus as if it had been burned. Immediately a different sort of fear came over Peter's face and Remus turned around so Peter couldn't see the tears he was now holding back. Instead, Remus pretended that he was just picking up his scarf which had fallen off the bench.

"It's ok Peter…..I won't tell them…" Remus whispered, unable to look at Peter as he quickly headed down the stands without him. Remus was trying really hard not to make Peter feel bad about no longer being able to touch Remus since it was closer to the reaction he had been expecting to get from pureblood wizards who had grown up with the prejudices they had.

Besides, at least Peter wasn't faking like Sirius and James were.

Remus knew that they probably felt disgusted every time they touched him too. It must be why Sirius hadn't held his hand lately or scooched Remus over to lie in his bed when Sirius was having a hard time falling asleep. Sirius had used to do these gestures quite frequently which Remus himself surprisingly found comforting. However, it wasn't that Remus cared if Sirius did those things or not...it just hurt to know his friends weren't being honest with him.

"BOYS YOU'RE PICKING UP AND CLEANING OFF THE BROOMS," Madam Hooch hollered as James bowed to the multiple Gryffindors who were cheering for him, a chant of "number one chaser," starting up among them. James bowed and waved even playfully blowing kisses to the girls, though it was probably only at one girl in particular who was not clapping and had her arms crossed firmly around herself. Madam Hooch directed James and Sirius to the broom closet whacking her own broom in their direction with an air of mild annoyance and amusement. Sirius seemed put out to have lost to James not once but twice in front of all of the second-year Gryffindors but James nudged him and then the two were racing towards the shed where the brooms were kept as if they were being given a prize, not a punishment. They had already reached the shed before Remus had even reached the pitch.

"Madam Pomfrey, may I leave early?" Remus asked quietly, not wanting to be around anyone a moment longer. Madam Pomfrey looked him over scrutinizingly. However, considering there were only ten minutes of class left and Remus had already done his flying skills test she waved him off with a nod.

"Remus wait….wait…." Lily called after him as he started walking back to the castle.

He bit back a groan knowing that if there was anyone he had no right to be annoyed with it was Lily. He stopped walking and she caught up to him her cheeks flushed with the wind, pulling her scarf tighter around herself as a large gust threatened to knock them both down. Remus wondered how Sirius and James managed to control their brooms so well in weather like this, though he supposed everyone had seemed to figure out the trick by now but him. Once Lily caught up to him she grabbed his elbow and buried her face in his shoulder with ease he didn't think he'd ever be completely comfortable with, especially not after Peter had jerked away from him as if he was contagious.

"Lily…" Remus began wearily but she was screaming into his shoulder how cold it was and didn't seem to hear him.

"Come on Remus, let's run. Honestly, I think it should be against the rules to have us out here when it's so cold," she complained and Remus bit back a smile realizing Lily chased after him because she was cold not to confront him about avoiding her or for not talking to her much since the dance.

"It's not that cold, but alright," he replied, feeling some of the stress leave him as he ran back into the castle with her. Lily finally let go of him when they got inside hopping back and forth on her feet and smiling at him with embarrassment, the tip of her nose red and wind bit.

"Thank you for letting me hold onto you, Remus. You're always so warm," Lily explained casually, not seeming to feel awkward around him at all despite it being weeks since they had been alone together. Why couldn't James and Sirius be more like that?

"No problem," Remus mumbled realizing he was going to make it awkward since he hadn't the faintest idea what to say to her and felt pretty guilty about not talking to her when he knew he should have. Remus wondered if this was actually how James and Sirius were feeling which made him even more convinced a Marauders Meeting was a good idea- until remembering Peter's reaction to him made doubts arise about if that was actually the case.

"How has your studying been going?" Lily asked as the silence had begun to stretch a bit too long. Remus pulled himself away from his fretting and forced a smile trying to act normal when he had been even more painfully aware of the fact that he was anything but lately.

"Fine, what about you?"

"Pretty good. Marlene, Dorcas, Mary and I had a really nice party for Dorcas and Alice came and so did her friends Willow and Emma and we had the best girls' night."

Remus listened as Lily told him all about the party the girls had thrown and the games they had played. He was glad that Dorcas had experienced a good birthday and even more pleased that he did not have to take part in it this year.

"Oh, and I've been getting to know a few of the Abreaselt girls better. They are really clever and have a great sense of humor," Lily explained with her usual good-natured friendliness that Remus really admired about her. Even with all the questions still in his head and all the stress with the full moon being just around the corner he felt calmer just being in her presence. They walked through the halls and in the spur of the moment Remus asked if she would like to study with him. Lily beamed at him and they spent the next two hours studying like the good old days before Lily knew had known what he was and had known that all of Remus' friends knew what he was and accepted him so he had no reason to be as petulant and distant as he had been…

"Remus are you alright?" Lily asked in a soft voice and he looked up from his book surprised.

"Of course, why?" he asked with his best, forced smile he could manage. He wasn't sure why his smile brought such a look of sympathy to appear in Lily's eyes until she gestured to her check with a sort of apologetic look. That was when Remus realized he was crying. He had been crying without realizing it! Wiping his cheeks with his sleeve, feeling panicked, Remus wondered if he had done this before without noticing it. How could someone cry without realizing it? He was so dumb! Remus avoided Lily's eyes watching her twist her red locks around her finger, tight enough to cut the circulation off, for several minutes before speaking.

"They…..all of them know right?" she asked in a hushed tone doing the expected eye glance to check if the coast was clear that they all did when talking about anything that had to do with 'that'. Remus wished his friends would just wait to bring it up when they could speak privately….although Remus supposed he didn't really give any of them the chance to.

"Yes," Remus replied ashamedly, knowing what would come next.

"They are all... alright with it?" Lily ventured cautiously

"Yes," he responded flatly. His hands were clenched into fists beneath the table as he waited. Remus was sure Lily was going to ask "why are you upset then," and whether she meant it to be accusing or not it would sound like an accusation to him.

"I'm so glad to hear that Remus. I can't imagine how scary this has been by yourself," Lily said instead sounding relieved.

Remus bit back the urge to snap at her, to point out that he was still alone. They weren't there in that shack, they weren't there when he was tearing himself to pieces….. Why didn't they get that? He was still alone! Instead, he nodded trying to focus on the potions assignment he was struggling to understand.

"Are you sure you're ok Remus?" Lily asked, again nervously. Remus forced himself to assure her that he was fine and that his eyes were watering because he hadn't slept well and the light was hurting them. It was a pretty lame excuse but Lily seemed unsure how to push the issue further.

"Would you like to go to the dorm? Studying by the fire might be easier on your eyes," she offered kindly and Remus tried to resist the urge to bite her head off. This is why he was avoiding his friends. Remus himself was why he didn't want to be around anyone. What was wrong with him?

"That's alright Lily, sorry for worrying you. I'm fine though, really," he lied, feeling strained and wishing he hadn't asked her to study with him. Remus was pretty sure he wasn't actually learning anything. Lily smiled, her strands of hair still being twisted around her fingers nervously.

"It's alright. I just want to help you, Remus. And…..well you can talk to me about anything….even if it's things you don't want to talk to your roommates about. Alright?"

Remus nodded a slightly awkward silence stretching again. He wanted to kick himself. He had to do a better job at pretending! He had to be... well... at least appear normal.

"Well I don't know about you but I can't imagine James will be talking about anything but Quidditch for a week what with today's lesson. Ugh, his head really is growing bigger by the day. Did you see he winked at the girls and what's worse is Marlene actually seemed to like it!" Lily exclaimed, sounding scandalized and Remus gave her a more sincere smile. He knew Lily didn't understand him, but he appreciated the fact she still seemed to want to hang around him and still seemed capable of talking to him even if the reverse wasn't always true.

"Pretty sure he was winking just at you Lily," Remus teased her, ignoring the tight feeling in his chest that seemed to get worse the more he pretended he wasn't terribly upset. He wasn't even sure why he was upset!

"Remus Lupin you are just awful," she huffed back playfully, then picked up her book and went back to quizzing herself on the proper way to transfigure a salt shaker into a swallow.

Remus didn't think anything could shock him out of his dark worries about what would happen after Saturday, the first full moon since his friends knew, since Sirius found out. But then someone walked up to him that Remus never would have expected to. Remus even did a double-take to make sure the boy standing by their table wasn't simply walking past them. But the boy had indeed stopped, standing proudly in his perfectly pristine fitted Slytherin robes.

"Hello Regulus," Remus replied, trying to be polite despite being at a complete loss as to why the younger Black would be standing in front of him, especially because the younger boy looked distinctly cross about it. Panic lept through Remus getting lodged in his throat as he wondered if something had happened to Sirius before remembering that his friend was probably still cleaning brooms with James.

"Oh, you're Sirius' little brother aren't you. Hello,'' Lily greeted the smaller boy with a warm smile. Regulus didn't look at her, though Remus didn't miss the slight look of annoyance that filled his eyes at being referred to as "Sirius' little brother."

"I wasn't sure who to talk to. Sirius hasn't shown up at our usual spot and well….you seem to be the nicest out of his friends. I heard you helped one of the Slytherin first years who got stuck on the trick step as if it was nothing. You don't seem to care about the houses and you seem to be a fairly competent wizard despite…." Regulus's nose wrinkled slightly but it seemed less about disgust and more like he was trying to catch himself from saying something rude. Remus was a little surprised, finding the stiff level-headed boy to be nicer than he had suspected after listening to Sirius' rants. "Well anyways you helped Davey and…...well thank you for that."

"Did you come just to thank me?" Remus asked surprised, ignoring Lily's gasp who had not been aware of the many challenging events of that awful day.

"No, I…..I need you to tell me what Sirius has found out. It's nearly been a month and I haven't heard anything from him," Regulus explained, a great deal of frustration in his tone. Remus was completely taken aback but figured saying that Sirius neither having appeared to look into anything himself nor having said anything about whatever Regulus wanted him to look into, wouldn't go well.

"How about I convince him to talk to you? I think he'd like to talk to you himself," Remus replied diplomatically and Regulus seemed to be considering this before nodding.

"That seems…..acceptable. Just make sure he shows up this time. How about Friday after lessons, the same place we always meet?"

Remus assured Regulus he'd get Sirius to show up despite not having the foggiest notion of how he was going to do that. Regulus began to walk away before stopping and stiffly turning back.

"Thank you…...have a good day…..both of you," he added awkwardly despite not looking at Lily before turning around and leaving again.

"Well…...he's….not at all like Sirius." Lily pointed out as surprised by the whole interaction as Remus.

"I think that's part of why they don't get along well," Remus pointed out. He found himself remembering Sirius' panic when he had thought Regulus was hurt and the way the two brothers had hugged one another and added, "but I think they love each other."

"Well of course they do!" Lily exclaimed sounding shocked to hear Remus imply they might not. "They're brothers."

"Yeah…..but they really don't get along…" Remus mumbled careful not to point out just how poorly the two brothers got along.

"Oh, but Remus, that doesn't matter. I absolutely loathe Petunia most days, she's the absolute worst mind you. But I still love her and if something bad happened to her well then I would be devastated," Lily explained simply and Remus nodded mulling that over. That was what family was supposed to do, wasn't it? Then why couldn't every family be like that?

Remus went back to studying wondering what on earth Regulus had been talking about. He could feel Lily glance at him several times before quite suddenly blurting out.

"What did he mean that you helped Davey?"

Remus could have lied and said he had helped with an assignment or something else as ambiguous and false. But Lily never pushed, she always listened to him when she needed to and for some inexplicable reason, she not only seemed to be his friend but also seemed to be amazingly comfortable around him.

"Well…..what happened was…." he began, as Lily leaned in eager for him to explain, to open up some. And with a bit of difficulty and a lot of dulling down of the details he told Lily the truth.