Chapter Fifteen: The Test
"What do you mean he called a Marauders meeting?" James asked several broom hairs sticking out of his unruly hair as the result of Sirius whacking him over the head with a broom when he wasn't looking, the git.
"He actually said it? You aren't making it up?" Sirius asked, brushing the matching broom hair out of his hair.
Peter shook his head looking exasperated. "Of course he called a meeting. The two of you have been acting mental around him."
"Well, that's….." Sirius began defensively.
"We just…." James started to add quickly, speaking at the same time as Sirius.
"You're treating him differently. He doesn't want that….you know he doesn't want that," Peter insisted, holding his ground surprisingly well.
"But how do we come out and ask, do you know who bit you? How long have you been one? Does it actually hurt or is Madam Pomfrey really just being thorough?" Sirius stressed sounding overwhelmed.
"Well…...maybe don't ask him..." Peter suggested timidly, rushing on in explanation as Sirius shot him an angry look. "I'm not saying never ask him but…..well the first moon is coming up….maybe just give him some time. I mean he's here and he's alive so….maybe that can be enough for now?"
James met Sirius' eyes but was surprised not to find disbelief or anger in them but rather a deep contemplation in them.
"That…..you might have a point, Peter…." Sirius replied slowly and Peter beamed.
"Really?" Peter asked sounding excited.
"I mean…...we'll, we'll get to the bottom of it eventually," Sirius decided hesitantly.
"The bottom of what exactly?" James asked with the sneaking suspicion Sirius wasn't just talking about the many truths they had yet to figure out about their friend.
"Cure lycanthropy of course," Sirius said with a completely straight face. James let out a disbelieving laugh which was quickly echoed by Peter. Sirius frowned at both of them. "I'm serious."
"Oh I'm aware you are Sirius and you Sirius Black are a lunatic!" James wheezed, still laughing at his crazy friend.
"Ha….ha….ha," Sirius dryly replied sarcastically. "Look I'm not completely mental you know. I'm not saying we'll do it this year or even next year but I reckon by the time of graduation we will be making good progress."
"Sirius, are you even listening to yourself. Cure lycanthropy? Is that even possible?"
"And if it was someone would have done it by now," Peter added.
"No, they wouldn't. Think about it. Who is actually trying to? No one! So who's to say it can't be us, we're the smartest people I know. Grownups always think they are all that but you know what the truth is they get stuck in their ways and can't even imagine creative solutions even more after a while," Sirius insisted, standing straighter with a hopeful gleam in his eyes and a passionate tone that James couldn't help but be inspired by.
"You know what. I think you might be right," James said slowly.
"You guys that's not…..it's mental plus it could be really dangerous….if we try we could get hurt," Peter fretted.
"Better us than Remus," Sirius stated matter of factly and James nodded eagerly though Peter didn't look so sure.
"Come on Peter we have to try. We have to think of something to help him, we just have to," James urged, sticking his hand out. "Marauders for life?"
"Marauders for life," Sirius shouted happily, slapping his hand onto James'.
"Well, Peter?" James asked, unable to keep the disapproval out of his voice. Why was Peter being such a swot about this? Even if nothing came of it they had to try...
"Marauders for life," Peter replied, putting his hand on top of Sirius'.
"Here, here," James cheered, grinning at his friends and feeling more hopeful about Remus' condition than he had in a long time. And maybe that was exactly the point.
…
"We've all been summoned here today men by one of our finest," James declared in a low posh voice. Sirius rolled his eyes and grinned as Remus' cheeks went red. They were all sitting on Remus' bed as was tradition waiting for Remus who had been the last to enter the room looking predictably hesitant and understandably tired.
"I… ... .um…" Remus stuttered.
"Come on, join us mate," James encouraged gesturing for Remus to join them. Remus' eyes darted around and he definitely looked nervous as he shook his head.
"I'd….rather stand... thanks…" Remus stated, fidgeting anxiously.
Sirius bit his tongue to keep from speaking. He didn't want to botch this up. There was a lot he wanted to know about Remus but deep down he knew they had to prove to Remus first that things weren't actually going to change. They'd show Remus they weren't going anywhere!
However, Sirius was more than a little nervous about Saturday, about the full moon. What was Remus going to look like in the hospital wing? Would there still be a feral look in his eyes? Would he be bleeding?
"Suit yourself," James said and Remus visibly relaxed and sat down on the floor staring at the floor.
"It's…...it's not fair for me to….not tell you things now that you know…" Remus stammered looking so uncomfortable that Sirius wanted to put him out of his misery. But he couldn't get himself to speak up, a big part of him hoping Remus would just spill everything to them. Surely that would be better for Remus!
"Remus, you don't have to tell us anything," James stated clearly and Sirius partly wanted to hit him despite knowing James was right. Despite knowing this was the right thing to do.
"I don't?" Remus asked in disbelief, glancing up at them with so much hope in his eyes that Sirius had to look away. When would he fully trust them? Surely it had to be soon….but...would it?
Sirius bit his tongue even harder remembering the comments about "hunting down werewolves," and that "dark creatures should just kill themselves," that he had made in the past. He really had no right to pry…...none at all.
"No, you don't. We'll still be your friends even if you don't tell us details. I mean don't get me wrong we all want to know but...well you're our mate no matter what. Sorry, we've been weird we just...we really want to help you, Remus," James explained.
"I know…..I appreciate it. It's just…..different is all….." Remus seemed to realize this was not the correct thing to say unless he was in fact trying to break his friends' hearts further. "I mean…..it's not…..my mum helped…..I'm not saying no one did….it's just….someone my age." Remus stammered in a poor attempt to cover up what at least Sirius knew was the sad truth that Remus had been alone far too long.
Not anymore!
"Um….well ok I guess we all just have to be patient with each other….just didn't want you thinking we feel uncomfortable around you," James explained in fact sounding quite uncomfortable.
"It's….." Remus took a shaky breath that physically pained Sirius. "It's understandable if you do…..feel uncomfortable. If you need me to stay away…...if you need to not touch me for a while or…...not be near me afterward…..I'm really just glad you want to be my friends at all still. You don't need to push yourself."
"Don't be daft," Sirius scoffed, "We want you around you tosser. And why the hell would we not touch you?"
Remus shifted uncomfortably. "Some…...some wizards fear that…..it's contagious…..even not on a full moon."
"That's complete rubbish if that was true the whole lot of us would be werewolves now wouldn't we." James pointed out amusedly.
"Please don't say that!" Remus shouted suddenly, his face twisting into pain. "Don't…...don't even joke about that...not ever and you must never come to the shack again. You are not to walk me there or show up. You must promise me!" Remus insisted with a shaky tone, his whole body trembling.
"We won't," Peter squeaked out, sounding upset.
"Yeah, we can do that….don't want you panicking anymore," James replied softly.
"Fine," Sirius muttered, not at all happy about it. He personally didn't see what the big deal was with keeping Remus company as long as they left in time. But Remus seemed truly terrified at the notion so Sirius knew he would have to wait to bring it up later on when they all had time to adjust to all of this.
"Thank you," Remus breathed out sincerely and Sirius felt blood welling in his mouth from how hard he was biting down on his inner mouth. If that was all they ever did for Remus, Sirius knew that Remus would be content with it which for some reason frustrated him. In fact, he had a suspicion Remus would probably think even that small amount was more than he deserved…
"But you have to let us be there in the hospital wing with you. It must be boring for you and we can keep you distracted." Sirius pointed out, not about to back down on that point. He had to see for himself how badly Remus got injured, he had to know if Remus was or was not lying about the pain.
"I….I mostly just sleep," Remus let out a nervous laugh, "if anything you three would be the ones that would be bored."
"We won't mind. You've got to let us do something though Remus." James grinned, "Otherwise Sirius will lose his mind."
"As if you wouldn't," Sirius retorted and James shrugged.
"Maybe. Although now that I think about it you wouldn't lose your mind, Sirius. After all you can't lose what you never had now can you," James teased and Sirius launched himself at James scoping up Remus' pillow and smashing it against James' face wiping that cocky smirk off his face.
"Pillow Fight!" James roared, rolling off Remus' bed and jumping onto Sirius, scooping up a pillow which Sirius deflected. He paused, though looking at Peter and Remus who hadn't yet moved. "What's wrong with you two, come on."
"I…... I'm a little tired actually….." Remus gave an apologetic smile and Sirius tried not to look disappointed. It seemed that things wouldn't go back to normal so soon after all.
"That's fine mate," James assured Remus hopping off the bed. Sirius watched as Remus took a step back from James who passed him to reach his own bed not seeming to notice.
I would understand if you didn't want to want to touch me…. Surely that was mental!
So why wasn't Sirius rushing over to Remus to hug him? It wasn't that Sirius didn't want to, he just somehow felt that he had to be….careful around Remus now. Pushing away the small part of him that still tried to convince him that Remus was dangerous he sat on Remus' bed patting the spot next to him and Peter quickly scurried away to his bed.
Remus shifted and definitely hesitated.
What had gotten into him? Surely Remus didn't think Sirius actually thought his friend could somehow contaminate him?
"No questions, I promise," Sirius added pretending like that was the only thing keeping Remus from sitting next to him. Remus hesitated for a moment more, then approached carefully, cautiously, and when he did sit it was rigid and as far away from Sirius as he could get.
"Come on I don't smell that bad," Sirius teased wishing he could just breach the distance and hug Remus. Why couldn't he? Had things really changed that much?
Sirius just didn't want to hurt his friend again…..
"I'm ok here," Remus replied sounding stressed.
"Remus," Sirius sighed frustratedly.
"Sirius, please…..I just need to…...ok?" Remus pleaded his voice cracking with emotion.
"As long as you don't think you could actually turn me or some nonsense," Sirius grumbled irritated Remus had such notions in his head.
"No…...um I actually have something to talk to you about," Remus whispered.
"Oh?" Sirius shifted excitedly.
"It's about Regulus," Remus added uncomfortably and the excitement in Sirius sank.
"Oh... Did he bother you or something?" Sirius asked flatly.
"It's alright, he just….wanted to know if you had found anything out?"
"Ugh he's still on about that is he?"
Remus gave a confused look and Sirius realized he had never actually told Remus about the encounter he had experienced with Regulus during the Yule Ball. A bit nervous about bringing that night up again, partly because it caused the gruesome figure of Davey to flash in his mind, Sirius filled Remus in.
"What if he's telling the truth through Sirius. Why would he keep lying? He already got in trouble."
Yeah, Regulus had gotten in trouble and Sirius had gotten a letter from home that he had swiftly deposited into the flames.
"I don't necessarily think he is Remus but you can't really think some zombie or whatever sort of monster is running around Hogwarts."
"Well…..one monster already is….." Remus gave a short self-deprecating laugh that Sirius hated to hear.
"Stop that! Don't refer to yourself as a monster."
"...you did….." Remus whispered and Sirius gulped, the familiar coil of guilt twisting his insides into knots yet again.
"Well this might come as a surprise to you but I'm a bit of an arse."
"I hadn't noticed," Remus stated the shadow of a smile on his face.
"Yeah, I'm quite legendary for it, just ask James he'll tell you all about what an arse I am."
"I don't think you're an arse," Remus said softly and with ever so much kindness that it seemed to make the guilt inside Sirius twist even tighter.
"Well, you also shouldn't listen to everything I say."
This time Remus actually smiled, a small hesitant one but a smile all the same which sent a thrill of happiness through Sirius.
"I'll keep that in mind next time you are ordering us all out of our beds at 2 am."
"Hey! Those are always moments of genius and you know it!"
"Oh yes, 'pure genius' that's certainly what getting trapped in a half-flooded passageway for three hours is," Remus pointed out sarcastically.
"That's the price of exploration," Sirius explained sticking his tongue out at Remus who bit back a smile.
"That's the price of trying to find new passageways when we're half dead on our feet," Remus laughed and Sirius sat up straighter, a sort of giddy feeling in his gut. Things could still be the same, they were going to be ok, they were really going to stay friends. Remus would be ok.
"If I recall correctly that snafu was because James who was in the lead couldn't see the water up ahead. I swear that boy will end up needing glasses."
"Oh shut up Black! And if you two are going to stay up giggling like school girls at least put a bloody spell up so Peter and I can sleep," James grumbled, already sounding half asleep. Remus laughed again seeming to relax some. Sirius took a chance and put his hand over Remus' who flinched and habitually tried to pull away. Sirius gripped his hand tightly and held their entwined hands up as proof.
"See perfectly fine." Sirius smirked as Remus looked away. "Remus….come on….look I'm fine. It's fine."
Finally, Remus looked up and seemed to search for something in Sirius' gaze. Whenever he didn't see whatever it was he expected to find he stopped trying to pull away.
"I never thought you'd be my friend…...after….."
"I know….I'm sorry Remus. You may think I have nothing to apologize for but I do I really do and I know that so just….let me apologize however much I need to, yeah?"
Remus hesitated but nodded, their hands still clasping the other tightly, desperately. Their hushed whispers somehow set a solemn honest tone between them.
"What if you see a dementor again Sirius?" Remus asked his glowing gold eyes watching Sirius closely. How Sirius thought those eyes could seem anything but spectacular was a mystery to him...
"I won't."
"But if you do…... I don't want….if being around you causes you pain..." Remus looked away from Sirius as if he couldn't bear to look at him. Sirius frowned feeling a stab of panic and squeezed Remus' hand consolingly.
"It won't," Sirius insisted and almost added, being away from you would cause more pain, but he caught himself because that was an utterly embarrassing thing to say, especially while holding your mate's hand.
What was he doing?
Sirius knew he should let go, he and Remus were preteens not little children anymore. A few years from now or even sooner than that they would both be dating and he didn't think their girlfriends would like them holding hands like this…..it felt…..too intimate somehow?
But Sirius still held onto Remus' hand. He decided if who he dated didn't understand the deep bond he had with his friends then he wouldn't be dating them long at all.
"One question….." Remus whispered and Sirius let out an audible gasp.
"Are…..are you sure?" he choked out, hardly able to believe what he was hearing. Why him? He was so much pushier than James and Peter and he knew he had been the cruelest to Remus. So why did Remus keep opening up to him?
"Just ask before I change my mind Black," Remus teased gently.
"How…...how old were you?" Sirius asked knowing this was the most important question he could dare ask right now. Somehow knowing who had done this to Remus would make it harder for Sirius not to hate werewolves. And Sirius couldn't hate werewolves anymore, because he knew he could never hate Remus.
"Are you sure you actually want to know?" A tension hung between them and Sirius hardly dared to breathe. Did he actually want to know? The grave look in his friend's eyes was making Sirius hesitate. But he knew if he hesitated too long Remus would rescind the offer.
Sirius nodded feeling sick trying not to increase the pressure he was exerting on Remus' hand in case his friend misconstrued it as fear. Only Sirius was afraid, he was terrified to find out but he also needed to know, needed to understand.
"Of course. I want to know everything." Sirius paused realizing he was sounding far too mushy again, "you know because I'm a nosy git." he added with a tense laugh.
Surely Remus wasn't actually going to tell him…...it was a nice gesture but surely Remus wouldn't actually….
"I was four."
Sirius went cold, very aware that Remus was watching him closely, gauging him for his reaction. Testing him! Sirius knew how he responded to this would determine how much more if anything Remus decided to disclose to him.
"That really sucks," he replied after hesitating for a second, glad the dark of night was hiding how pale he had gone. Remus let out a shaky laugh and the fact that he could actually laugh after….after telling Sirius that seemed somehow almost more heartbreaking.
"Yeah, I guess so," Remus stated noncommittally.
"You're the bravest person I know Remus," Sirius said with all the sincerity he could muster without his voice breaking. He knew he was acting like a poof right now but he couldn't find it in himself to care... Four! Four! That was so much worse than what Sirius had been expecting.
"Well we will both be brave if we keep talking and risk James' wrath," Remus whispered uncomfortably. Sirius could have suggested they cast a charm but he didn't think he could stop himself from breaking down into tears much longer.
"Okay... but are you going to think I'm completely mental if I ask for a hug?" Sirius asked a little breathlessly.
"Sirius I would think you are completely mental even if you didn't." Remus teased and Sirius took that as confirmation to drop his friends' hand and pull him into a tight hug. Four! He had to keep calm, he had to be mature so Remus would tell him more.
Was there anything that could be worse than learning that though?
The fact that Remus was using that piece of information as a test made Sirius feel sick.
"Thank you for telling me. But I agree we would both be mental to risk, the wrath of Potter woken up unceremoniously for no good reason."
He got up feeling an ache as he let go of Remus. He hesitated, feeling the sort of foolishness that Remus seemed quite adept at bringing up in him.
"If you need me though wake me up….like if you have a nightmare or anything. I've been told by Regulus I'm quite good at banishing them."
Remus gave Sirius a touched watery smile in reply. "Thank you, Sirius."
Sirius nodded, barely able to keep his own tears from falling. As he climbed into his bed he realized Remus hadn't actually said he would wake Sirius up, that he would lean on his friend. But the same way Sirius knew that Remus probably would never wake him up he also knew that the offer was one that meant a lot to Remus and that made him feel a bit better.
That did not stop him from whispering silencio and crying himself to sleep, crying for his friend who had to face such a scary reality back when Sirius was still being pampered by his family and didn't even know what hardship was.
Even if by some small chance transforming actually did not hurt it would still be the equivalent of Sirius being placed in that small cupboard with the dementor once a month. Every month since Remus had four…..four! Remus Lupin really was the bravest person Sirius knew, quite possibly the bravest person on the bloody planet.