Chapter Sixteen: Things Wanted

Remus somehow felt better after talking to Sirius. He had expected Sirius to start sobbing or worse demand what monster had done that to him. But Sirius had taken it surprisingly well. It left Remus thinking that maybe talking to Sirius would actually be a possibility. It also left Remus questioning why he wanted to talk to Sirius about it when he was much less inclined to talk to the others about it...

Remus' good mood did not last, however. This was mostly because even after the Marauder's talk, in which James and Sirius had assured Remus the belief that lycanthropy could be transmitted through simply touching someone was ridiculous, Peter kept avoiding him. Sirius and James had gone back to normal, well normal for them anyway,... but not Peter. His friend who was avoiding touching him was even more of a worry than Remus sometimes getting the sense that Sirius' gaze was intensely on him. Only Remus never actually caught Sirius staring and convinced himself he must be paranoid about it. Remus just had to keep reminding himself that none of his friends hated him even if they didn't always like or feel safe around him….

James didn't hate him. Sirius didn't hate him. Even Peter didn't hate him though he was quite a bit frightened, understandably frightened.

So why come the full moon Remus walked to the Whomping Willow with Ms. Pomfrey with a heavy heart and fear that his friends would not be his friends come morning was baffling to him. Perhaps his fear spurned from how his father would treat him differently after a full moon. Or maybe it was simply because Remus could not wrap his brain around the fact that his friends' acceptance, for the most part, could come so easily.

"Will you be alright dear?" Madam Pomfrey asked, seeming more nervous than usual about the full moon tonight. Remus nodded remembering the way his friends had hovered around him forcing him to eat when he usually wouldn't. At least Remus had been able to throw up all the food in his stomach as it always felt ill with anxiety beforehand, especially this month. It really shouldn't have been a big deal but somehow having all his friends know casted a shadow of apprehension. It was just an extra reminder of how….disgusting it all was….how disgusting he was.

"I'll be fine Madam Pomfrey. I'm feeling calm," he lied when his nod had not been enough to satisfy her worry. She still seemed to hesitate and somehow that made Remus' anxiety grow. What did she think would happen this time? Madam Pomfrey had explained how his emotional state had something to do with the level of violence the wolf would exert against him each full moon, well that and along with the wolf growing bigger as he did. But how could the matron possibly know of his persistent fear of his friends deserting him which seemed rooted in his mind no matter how many times he tried to push it away?

Peter won't even touch you. How long until James joins Peter. How long until they wise up? How long until all Sirius sees when he looks at you is a dementor?

"Alright, dear. I'll see you in the morning."

"Alright, Madam Pomfrey."

She smiled at him and left him alone to his misery. Yes, the matron would be back in the morning along with his friends who would expect to see him. If Remus could just be fine or at least mostly fine this one month he could convince his friends that they weren't missing out on anything by not being in the hospital wing and that Remus did not need them to be there. A selfish part of him wanted them there but he did not need them there nor did he feel it would be fair to James, Sirius, and Peter.

"Please wolf…..please if there was ever a night where you gave me a break tonight would be the night. Please wolf…. "

Remus begged and begged but heard no reply and this close to changing he could usually hear the low displeasing voice in his head of the ravenous wolf. As he took off his clothes he tried to plead again but was met yet again met with silence.

As Remus braced himself against the waves of pain, gritting his teeth before succumbing to the shouts of agony, he didn't think the wolf was listening. He didn't think the wolf cared!

…

"Why can't we see him!" Sirius shouted outraged. Peter really wished that Sirius would stop fighting with the matron so much….and would stop making Peter be the scapegoat. He was getting really tired of faking a sickness or an ailment of some sort. Besides, he didn't think Madam Pomfrey would believe him the next time he really came down with something or there was a real injury he ended up suffering.

He wanted to leave! But Peter wanted a great many things that he apparently could not have, that should not be impossible but were…. Above all Peter did not want his friend to be a werewolf. He did not want Remus to have to be all alone and even if it didn't hurt Peter had seen the state of the shack and that alone was dreadful. He felt awful he hadn't touched Remus yet. It's not like….it's not like he really believed Remus could turn him into a werewolf. It was just all so much and however hard Peter tried to force himself to reach out and grab his friend's hand, to apologize for being an arse, he couldn't….

"That's not fair!" James cried and Peter blinked having missed part of the conversation. Peter was about to ask what had happened when Lily came in with a book, blanket, and mug of tea looking less than pleased to see them there.

"Madam Pomfrey can I see Remus?" she asked sweetly correctly assuming the matron had already turned the other three away.

"No, Miss Evans you may not." Madam Pomfrey huffed looking more than a little exasperated to have to deal with them so early. Sirius had insisted they get up at the crack of dawn and Peter had not had the energy to fight him. Peter watched as Sirius and James shot a look between them and his stomach flipped.

How bad was Remus if he wasn't even letting Lily see him…..

"I…..I can't….?" Lily stammered coming to the same conclusion the rest of them had.

"It's not the Remus doesn't want you seeing him," the matron explained, perhaps realizing where all of their thoughts had gone. Peter never wanted to see his friend lying so still and unresponsive in the hospital wing again.

Peter took a few steps back and plugged his ears as Lily, Sirius, and James began protesting. Peter knew the matron better than they did, having been in the hospital wing many times himself. Peter knew how kind Madam Pomfrey was and also didn't doubt that if Remus had expressed his concern about letting his friends see him that the matron would take it upon herself to be the 'bad guy.' Which was why Peter took his chance and slunk around the shouting group. Feeling very nervous but knowing he would feel even worse if he didn't see Remus, he approached the private room.

Coward!

Peter swore under his breath, one of the 'artistic vulgar swears' as James and Sirius called them that Peter had learned from his uncles and aunts. Peter didn't want to enter Remus' room. He didn't want to see Remus bruised and bloody. But Peter had been struggling for some time now, that the many things he wanted and could not get had to be a relatively small list compared to the things Remus must want and could never get...

Plus Peter still felt downright awful for having thought even for a relatively short time that Remus had been pretending to feel ill and faking for attention. Only Peter wished that had been all it was, even if it would have meant that Remus wasn't as nearly as good a mate as others believed.

"You all need to leave before I lose my patience. You can see him later on. Out now!" the matron barked and that made Peter's mind up for him. Jumping slightly at Madam Pomfrey's loud voice he slinked inside the room and nearly rushed back out at the smell of blood that greeted him.

"...oh Remus….." Peter whispered his voice cracking as tears sprang up in his eyes.

It appeared as if they had arrived around the same time the matron had returned with Remus because large clothes stained red were on the ground and the chemical smell of Walters Magical Antiseptic was an even more overpowering smell than the coppery undertone underneath. But the clothes of blood were to be expected after seeing the state of the shack and knowing that Remus was nothing if not never completely honest with them… What Peter was not expecting was the state of his friend laying on top of the bloodied sheets half of his face purpling with a giant bump making up the left side of his swollen cheek and both of his legs bandaged and in stilts. And that was only what Peter could see since Remus was all but completely wrapped up only one section of his leg that seemed to keep bleeding unwrapped, a large hideous slash down it as if someone….or something...was trying to get to Remus' bone.

Peter stumbled back and made a choking sound deep in his throat that caused Remus to stir only one of his eyes open as the other still seemed to puffed-up to see through. If Remus was not already deathly pale Peter suspected he would have gotten even paler if the fear in his friend's eye was any indicator of how he must be feeling.

"Don't talk it looks like it will hurt if you do…..," Peter rushed to say in a high pitch voice that indicated his own terror at the scene before him. To think Peter had been picturing some scraps here and there and occasionally worse scrapes. But this…..this was a level of awful that no twelve-year-old boy should ever have to witness let alone experience! It wasn't fair, it just wasn't fair.

"I'm sorry," Remus choked out in a hoarse voice that caused Peter to start crying. It was so unbelievably kind for Remus to be apologizing to Peter that it broke the last bit of the fear that had been keeping Peter from getting close to his friend.

"Remus!" he sobbed, rushing over to the bed and remembering at the last second that flinging himself upon his friend would probably cause him a lot of pain. Wondering how often their roughhousing and hugs had hurt Remus who would no doubt feel the extent of these injuries for days afterward Peter contented himself on gently grabbing Remus' hand which felt a bit swollen underneath the bandages. Remus flinched probably from surprise but Peter relaxed his grip more just in case it was from pain.

"Are…...you…..sure…?" Remus croaked out, the painful raspiness of his voice making Peter want to tell Remus to be quiet again but he figured his stubborn friend wouldn't listen even if he pleaded. Peter understood the question and nodded unsure if he could speak at all right now and even though he knew Remus would be the last person to laugh at him he didn't want to risk the embarrassing high-pitched tone that would be admitted if any sound at all could escape him. Peter's nod sufficed though and Remus squeezed his eye shut shaking so hard with sobs that Peter wondered if entering the room had been a mistake. Only when Remus seemed able to breathe again without his whole body shaking he opened his one eye clouded in tears and whispered 'thank you' in such a heartfelt tone that Peter knew Remus was glad he was there.

"Remus…..you should let James and Sirius come see you...oh and Lily they all want to…" Peter tried to push when Remus gave a small but sharp shake of his head to his suggestion.

"...next month…...be better….unusually bad….." Remus explained through little gasps of pain that made Peter want to hug his friend tight. Peter really wanted to believe that the state Remus was in was an unusual one. Better yet he wanted to believe that it had never happened before this moment. But Peter was not an idiot. Yes, he was much slower than his friends taking time to reach the same conclusion they could easily jump to. But even if Peter often thought he was an idiot he certainly was not stupid. It was something both his mother and Remus frequently reminded him of. Remus….. Peter wished he was stupid because then he wouldn't have to realize that Remus was most likely lying. Peter understood that the extent of pain that Remus went through once a month was something Peter would never know the extent of nor grasp. Peter covered his mouth with his hand unable to keep the tears from falling. This wasn't something he should have to witness! But not only did Remus witness it he experienced it. Every month at that. It was too much for Peter it was just too much...he had no idea how to handle this…

"I'll go get Sirius, James, and Lily. They all want to see you," he offered, pretending not to see the fear in Remus' eye. Peter knew why Remus didn't want the others to see him but he just didn't understand. If he was that badly hurt he would expect all of his friends to gather around his bed. Whether they would or not was a different matter, but he would want them to!

"Peter…..don't…." Remus cried out and Peter winced at the sound of his voice. It sounded as if Remus had swallowed a whole bunch of little rocks and was trying to speak with the sharp tiny pebbles shoved down his throat…. It was the worst sound Peter had ever heard and he had to stop himself again from running out of the room.

He was a Gryffindor; he had to be brave or the others would tease them. Besides, he wanted to be brave for Remus he really wanted to.

"But they are your friends too, Remus. Besides you look like you are in a lot of pain. When I am sick or in a lot of pain I want my mum…..you should want….er well anyone who loves you by your side. I…..I know you can't have your mum here…...or even your dad…." Peter knew he was doing a dreadful job at this and the nervousness showing in his voice was causing Remus to slowly reach for a sheet as if by covering up himself Peter would forget the condition he was in….

"Here let me Remus….but what I mean is that we're your family and having family by your side when you're hurting helps," Peter continued while he shook out one of the clean sheets on the stand next to Remus and covered him up with it.

"Be…..better….next….month….." Remus choked up and Peter sighed heavily wishing his friend wasn't such a liar.

"But they will find out you are hurt Remus...you know they will find out and then they will be cross with you," Peter insisted, trying not to bluntly point out that Remus' face would be bruised for at least a week and therefore a clear indicator that he had gotten hurt. He really found the insistence in which Remus often pretended he was fine when it was clear he wasn't really sad.

"Not that I will tell on you, but still…. You know how they are," Peter explained not needing to read Remus' mind to guess what the fear that had come over him had been about. Peter didn't want to lie for Remus, though chances were pretty good neither James nor Sirius realized that he had disappeared. Peter didn't want the fights that would follow if it was realized how badly Remus got hurt each month. What the fights would be about Peter wasn't sure, he often didn't understand why Sirius and James fought as they did, but he knew everyone would be all mopey and pouty and they all were already enough of that without this being added on.

"Well at least use some makeup so Sirius and James won't see the bruises," he suggested wondering why Remus looked so shocked by this. "You know….like, cover-up and stuff….Marlene wears makeup and she was explaining to me how she was perfecting a charm to perfectly set her makeup for the whole day so there would be no smudges. Apparently Witches Weekly created a spell that lasts for half a day and keeps the makeup waterproof too but Marlene is making it better. She is really smart like that." Peter stopped himself from going on and on about Marlene even though he easily could have. He was painfully aware how annoying it was when James wouldn't shut up about Lily and while he knew Remus would be too polite to tell him to shut up Peter didn't think it was fair to be talking about his girlfriend when it was pretty obvious Remus would never be able to date like Peter could.

"Would…...where do I…" Remus struggled to ask a sort of slur appearing to his words and Peter realized that his friend was struggling to keep his eyes open.

"I'll ask Marlene where she gets it from. But….." Peter hesitated unsure how to ask, "the nonmuggle kind that's enchanted to cover up…..well um even bruises…..would be…...pretty expensive…." he stammered worried Remus might take offense but his friend hardly seemed to notice.

"...that's fine….." Remus yawned and Peter was unable to find out if it was alright that the makeup was expensive or that Remus wouldn't be able to procure some. Peter sat there for a few minutes waiting for the tension to leave Remus' face so he could convince himself that the boy in front of him could at least escape the pain while he was sleeping. But Peter was unable to find a sign that would suggest that. Feeling a great deal of pity for his poor sick friend Peter decided he would surprise Remus by getting him some of that makeup stuff. It was the least he could do for Remus and perhaps even more importantly than that, it would keep Sirius and James from getting all depressed.