Chapter Twenty-Five: Piss Off

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Remus was not in the mood for this!

He was covered in dirt that he had been too tired to scourgify away since he hadn't expected not just Lily but Sirius as well to catch him sneaking back. His limbs were sore from running and the whole trip had been completely useless. He had waited and waited and waited for Skipper who did not show up. What Remus should have done then and there was to turn around and go back to the castle. But he had not. Instead, he had done the stupid thing and had entered the forest…..

He often shook his head at James and Sirius' levels of arrogance but he realized he had experienced his own bout of it since otherwise he never would have thought he could somehow find Skipper with his jumble of instructions given in a rush earlier in the day. He had only been able to get about half an hour of practice in healing spells which was another mistake on his part. Only he knew the chance of him actually being able to help Silverstream was slim. So maybe it wasn't arrogance exactly that had led to him traipsing through the forest with the invisibility cloak firmly covering him, but it had without a doubt been stupidity.

He should have turned back as soon as he felt the eyes on him, the feeling of being watched which shouldn't have been possible because he was covered by the cloak. Whether something was watching him or Remus was just slightly paranoid after the acromantula attack last time he wasn't sure. He spent hours trying to find Skipper and promptly getting lost. Remus probably would have still been wandering in the forest if a centaur by the name of Torvus hadn't appeared. The centaur had been able to see right through him and had instructed him in a voice that sounded young to Remus how to get back to the castle. Remus had attempted to ask for help in finding the wolves, changing his voice in case the centaurs talked to Hagrid often. But Torvus would not budge as once more told him he had to leave along with something about the forest being no place for him, 'especially at this time'.

Remus had of course had no idea what Torvus meant by that but had been annoyed about Skipper not showing up and had been walking for hours at the time so he had thanked Torvus for the prompt easy to follow directions and had begun to follow them. Remus' skin had all but been crawling at one point and he had gotten the distinct sense that 'especially at this time' had something to do with the…..odd feeling in the Forbidden Forest.

If anyone asked Remus to explain what had been so off about the forest he would not have been able to verbalize it besides a general feeling that something was wrong. But Remus was pretty sure the Forbidden Forest could take care of itself. Besides not knowing if 'the something wrong' meant a fight was brewing between the forest's inhabitants or not he had not delayed in leaving as promptly as he could. But his fast walking had quickly turned into a panicked run as he had heard clicking in the trees. By the time he had bolted out of the forest he had been so out of breath that he had collapsed on the ground, luckily with his cloak still on. If it hadn't been for James' invisibility cloak he would have been in a lot of trouble. He had nearly been in trouble even with the cloak as Professor McGonagall had shifted from her animagus form, apparently having been prowling the border as a cat, less than two feet from him. It was a good thing she had not stepped on him as she had looked all around as if she could not quite believe there was no one there.

"Not again," she had 'tsked' to herself, then she had rolled up her sleeves and waved her wand sending a shimmering blast of energy towards the forest that climbed up so that for the first time Remus had been able to see the barrier clearly for the few seconds the spell had lasted before the shimmer had ended and the barrier had become invisible once more. After that, it had been a rather simple walk to the Gryffindor common room. Only Remus had been expecting the luxury of collapsing into his and drifting immediately off into sleep. He was not at all happy about having to confront Sirius who was glaring at him as if he was a small child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Well, Remus may have been caught but he was getting really sick of everyone keeping stuff from him while he in turn apparently could keep nothing from anyone else.

"I'm going to bed," he replied coolly, feeling a stab of guilt at Lily's crestfallen face. She wasn't to blame, Remus knew that. But Sirius was infuriating and Remus was far too sore and exhausted to deal with him. How Remus was after the long frustrating night he had experienced he knew he just couldn't hide his true feelings at the moment. Which meant any conversation with Sirius right now could be dangerous if not downright explosive.

"Oh, you want to go to bed?" Sirius scoffed, sounding disbelieving.

"Yes, Black to bed," Remus stressed the last word almost hoping Sirius would stop him. Something deep inside him wanted to fight, wanted to take out all these confusing feelings and anger that Patricia had foolishly released in him two days ago and now he couldn't quite get them all back in. Nor had he slept yet absolutely terrified what nightmares would wait for him after learning about Davey and the petition.

"Should have thought about that before you snuck out." Sirius retorted mockingly.

"You and James do it all the time and you don't give James a hard time for being tired and grumpy the next day," Remus pointed bitterly.

"That's because James actually tells me where he's going!" Sirius protested incredulously.

"I don't need to tell you everything."

"Yeah believe me Remus I know that. You make that abundantly clear. You didn't tell us your bloody birthday last year and I still don't know your favorite color."

"Why does that even matter?" Remus shouted, losing his composure slightly.

"Because you don't answer questions about yourself without a fight every time. When are you going to get it through your thick skull that we are your friends."

"That doesn't mean you have to know everything," Remus stated slowly, clenching his teeth to stop himself from shouting loudly in frustration.

"It should at least mean we get to know where you're going. Not to mention you have James' cloak you little thief," Sirius replied, though he actually sounded more impressed than upset about that. Remus didn't care he wasn't going to simply stop arguing with Sirius because his mental friend appreciated his capability to steal.

"You steal his cloak all the time." Remus shot back.

"I'm his best friend," Sirius replied and Remus really didn't have a comeback for it since it was true. Sure James said they were all his best friends but Sirius and James, well they were Sirius and James.

"Great for you. Now can I please go to sleep?" Remus asked though it wasn't really a question and his use of please had to be the most sarcastic please he had ever uttered. Remus shuddered internally at how he was behaving. His father would shout at him and his uncle would beat him senseless. Only thinking about his uncle and dad did nothing to calm Remus down, if anything it just made him angrier. If even Sirius could learn to accept why couldn't his father? Sirius didn't flinch away from him and Sirius hated dark creatures. Lyall Lupin worked for the ministry he could best Remus in a duel any day, not that Remus would ever try to fight his father. But then why was his dad so afraid of him? Remus glowered no longer thinking about Sirius. He had so many things going on, going wrong, that he couldn't even sort through them all. Sirius honestly seemed to be lower down on his list of problems than he had expected it to be. But just because Remus had confided in Sirius some didn't mean he had to get all crazy and try to control him. Remus couldn't stand being controlled. Remus blinked a few times, confused. Controlled? What did that even mean? When had he been controlled? Sure his dad and his uncle controlled him but they were family, so wasn't that fine? Remus wondered if the anger he had felt about being controlled which he had never thought about before came from the fact his dad had been wrong in demanding Remus not make friends or from something deeper, something worse.

He couldn't take this anymore! Remus swayed slightly, feeling like a damn on the verge of breaking. He had to hold it all back! Patricia was wrong. He could hold it all back without it destroying him, he had to. There was nowhere safe for this anger to go, not if hitting a bludger led to him being like this!

Remus looked up doing his best to shove the anger down, to replace it with a wariness, the act of which seemed to threaten to crush him. But then he caught Sirius looking at him closely, his eyes narrowed as if he was trying to see the secrets that held Remus together and the anger snapped back stronger than ever, as desperate to escape as ever.

"Stop that!" Remus snarled in a shamefully animalistic manner that just increased his anger as deep down it increased the shame Remus had been drowning in most of his life. Absorbed in his anger and shame Remus had forgotten Lily had ever been there and that she still was in the common room with them. Lily had never seen him angry before, not really, not like this. Then again….. Remus wasn't even sure if Sirius had seen him so angry.

"Stop what?" Sirius asked and the absolute twat had the audacity to scoff at Remus. As if Remus was the insane one! Well, when Remus had to go out at night it was for a much better reason than simple exploration and he had the decency not to wake all of his bloody roommates in the process.

"Stop acting as if you know me," Remus snapped. In hindsight, it had not been Remus' smartest comeback but he was too tired to think properly. And far too mad! For some reason being awake at 3 am made it really difficult to ignore all the problems he currently had, especially after the frustration he had felt in the forest.

Sure, just heap one more bloody thing onto Remus Lupin's bloody shoulders! It wasn't fair, not a damn bit!

In response to Remus' childish retort, Sirius raised a single eyebrow and Remus swore that he seemed amused. Amused! Sure, it was easy for Sirius to be amused when for once he was the more composed one out of the two of them. Remus hated this!

The young werewolf took several steps back, sure to give Sirius as wide a berth as possible. He was pretty sure if Sirius physically got in his way he'd punch him and that terrified Remus who was not too far gone to his anger to forget how dangerous letting his emotions control him could be. This was all Patricia's fault! And Sirius'. Remus wasn't entirely sure exactly how it was Sirius' but he was certain it was in some way.

"But I do know you," Sirius laughed, sounding like he expected Remus to back down like he and James often did. Fighting, but often ending up more play fighting. Well, Remus wasn't playing, and he was pretty sure that if his friends had to contend with all the overwhelming stuff he had to they wouldn't be playing angry either.

Remus should have kept walking but something about Sirius' tone just grated on his already frayed nerves.

"No you don't, you only think you do," Remus spoke quietly though his whole body was quivering with anger. Why didn't Sirius look scared? Sirius knew he was a monster and here Remus was losing his mind at him and the utter moron actually looked delighted about it.

"You're sure wound up tight. What's gotten into you? I've never seen you this grumpy, Lupin," Sirius pointed out with a smirk and Remus had to physically bite his lip till it bled to keep himself from shouting out.

Yeah, why was he angry. It's not like having a constant reminder about how dangerous he was being passed around all the students in the form of a petition was a 'good enough reason to be angry or anything'.

Deep down Remus knew that Sirius probably knew why he was angry but was capitalizing on this purposefully. Sirius had a knack for figuring out what annoyed people and using that against them when needed. As of yet, Remus had not let Sirius get under his skin not for his dumb friend's lack of trying though. But now, ever since he had hit that stupid bludger his emotions seemed to be physically attacking him. No, perhaps it was before that. Really it had been the moment he realized his memories…

Remus went rigged and swayed leaning against the wall then before he could think better of it slammed his head into the wall. Pity, it didn't knock him out. At least it got the smug look off of Sirius' face.

"Holy shit, Remus! What the actual fuck?" Sirius gaped at him.

Remus was feeling better now though his throbbing head caused by his own actions seemed preferable somehow to the headache that would appear anytime he thought too closely about 'the one thing'.

"See. You don't know me." Remus wasn't sure the statement actually made since but his vision was a little blurry now and if he didn't reach his bed soon he figured he'd pass out and sleep right there on the floor. Taking Sirius' momentary silence as a victory, Remus stormed up the stairs before forcing himself to calm down since waking up a prefect was the last thing he needed.

…

Sirius watched Remus stomp up the stairs, very likely angrier than Sirius had ever seen him. A sort of heavy giddy feeling appeared in his stomach. On one hand, this was the perfect opportunity to peel back another maddening layer of Lupin but on the other hand, Sirius had never seen his friend like this and had no idea what had caused it which made him concerned.

"Sirius?"

Sirius jumped forgetting LIly was there.

"Geez, Evans you really are trying to kill me tonight aren't you? Be honest," he huffed, feeling very shaken up now.

"Well perhaps if you and Remus didn't…... Oh, never mind."

"What were you going to say? Remus and I, what?" Sirius asked angrily.

"Nothing, never mind," Lily replied, trying to pacify him.

"No, what!" Sirius demanded. The scathing remarks he had been getting from Slytherins since sending that Howler were like a constant stream of white-nose in his ears. He was not a poof! Whatever sort of hostility showed on Sirius' face as he thought about the nasty comments he had been getting, caused Lily's lips to tighten in an unhappy line before she replied.

"You and Remus can be so self-absorbed," she explained with a heavy sight that turned into a yawn and made Sirius suppress his own.

"Excuse me? I think Remus has pretty good reason to think about himself considering he deals with more crap than any of us."

"That's not what I meant. Look it's just, well you both forgot I was here. Neither of you ever even registered me trying to speak up and cut the two of your bickering off. Did you?"

"Yeah, just ignored you," Sirius muttered, though it was painstakingly clear that wasn't the case.

"It's happened before too. Really all you boys can be like that but with you and Remus it's like you're actually in your own little world. Just remember other people care about him besides you. You're not the only one concerned about him. If you had let me just talk to him it would have gone better." Lily explained kindly a gentle sincerity about her that would have been persuasive if her eyes didn't keep drooping with exhaustion

"I doubt that," Sirius replied petulantly but Lily didn't take the bait. She leaned over slightly as if contemplating collapsing into the chair and falling asleep then and there. But after a few moments, she straightened and met Sirius' eyes who jerked slightly realizing he had been dozing off himself.

"Can you at least give Remus some space, Sirius? He's awfully angry and he had every right to be."

Sirius stared at her for a second in confusion. Time seemed to be moving weirdly and he was pretty sure Lily was talking really slow or really fast. Sirius visibly shook himself to keep himself awake, the implication in Lily's statement sinking in.

"What are you talking about? Do you know something I don't? Because Remus has no reason to be whatever sort of pissed off that was."

Lily raised her eyebrows at Sirius and he wondered if this was how people felt when Sirius used his exceptional eyebrow mobility to annoy them with exaggerated facial expressions. Only he didn't think Lily was being dramatic, not purposefully and for fun like he often did.

"Sirius, you treated him awfully. I'm not just talking about this year. You also bullied him last year. I'm just saying that if Remus had the right to be angry with anyone it would be you."

"First of all, Lily was literally forever ago. Remus isn't some pissant who holds grudges like that and yeah I was a bit of an arse about his whole secret but I came around and Remus forgave me."

"But then why do you push it?"

"Push what?" Sirius snapped, getting fed up. He had to get upstairs soon or Remus would actually be asleep instead of just faking it.

"Push...well you push Remus. You... I don't know you needle him," Lily struggled to explain, sounding frustrated herself. Somewhere in the back of his mind Sirius considered the fact that it was in the wee hours of the morning to be a factor to why everyone currently seemed annoyed. But it made much more sense that Lily was just a bossy twat. Well, so much for a truce between the two of them.

"Piss off Evans. I don't need to explain myself to you. Just go back to sleep."

"You were the one who woke up in the first place. Oooooo Black, you are insufferable. You know what, forget the truce," Lily decided, beating Sirius in saying the obvious which annoyed him further. Then before Sirius could say something snappy back Lily whipped out her wand which must have been strapped to her leg beneath her dressing gown since she hadn't had it prior. Sirius blinked his body trying to catch up with his mind. Then Lily stated, with the most aggravating calm ever. "Petrificus Totalus."

Bitch.

Even if Sirius had been fast enough he could have done nothing against the spell. Because apparently Lily was a paranoid coward who expected one of her fellow Gryffindors to turn against her and therefore brought her wand everywhere she went. As Sirius laid on the cold ground of the Gryffindor common room that he was quite sure was freezing despite the ever roaring fire he could have thought about what Lily had meant or even about what might be wrong with Remus. Instead, he fantasized about how he would get Lily Evans back before drifting into an angry uncomfortable sleep.