Chapter Thirty-Six: Loony Lupin

The whole of Gryffindor threw a rager that night with so many students from so many houses trying to squeeze their way through the common room that it was a mass of bodies all pushed together as they listened to Gideon recount his adventure for what must have been the fifth time. As Gideon was finishing his butterbeer and Fabian was starting up a chorus of cheers once more of "Gryffindors Greatest," and, "Godric's protegee Gideon," Remus was doing his best to leave the common room which was proving quite a feat. He did his best to squeeze through the crowd, his chest tight and his palms sweaty. There were too many people! He had wanted to stay hidden in the dorm but after the third time Gideon told the tale while Fabian dramatically reenacted it, exaggerating Gideon's wand swishes and ducks to the amusement of the crowd, Sirius and James had gathered a different group in the dorm and were bragging about their involvement.

A crowd in their dorm! Remus was thoroughly annoyed and tried to hide it as he left. While Remus was thrilled for Gideon's win he did not see how that meant his roommates could bring three third-year Ravenclaws, two second-year Hufflepuffs, two sixth-year Gryffindors, and five first-years of all house crowding into his room!

Which was why Remus thought leaving would have been an acceptable move rather than to start shouting with the still new bouts of anger that he'd been experiencing from time to time. Remus blamed Patricia for that completely. It was all because of that rubbish quaffle exercise of hers. At the moment anger was evading him entirely and instead he was trying not to panic as elbows jammed into his rib cage and knees pressed against his thighs. Remus felt hot and dizzy and was pretty sure he was going to die if he didn't leave immediately because breathing was becoming harder and harder. He wasn't sure who it was but someone's hand brushed his neck as he kept trying to squirm his way out. The hand brushing his neck was an innocent accidental gesture in the chaos. But in Remus's mind, it was anything but and he let out a choking sound, his knees giving way as he collapsed to the ground shaking badly.

Remus…..he was there with Greyback and the scary werewolf's hand was around Remus' throat dangling his very tiny body and laughing at him in that low husky laugh that made Remus' skin crawl. Remus could feel the hand squeezing and the hot breath that stank like rotten meat and blood. In Remus' mind, he was no longer in the Gryffindor common room but in that dreaded cave, alone with Greyback, horribly alone.

"NOOOOOOO STOOOOOOOOP!" Remus screamed loud and raw trying to curl in on himself. His scream had broken up Gideon's story and the crowd around Remus parted.

"Has he been cursed?" came one curious voice.

"What's wrong with him?" asked another person sounding concerned.

"Lupin….Lupin what's wrong? Can you hear me?" Someone far away called for him, though he barely registered it.

Remus felt hands on his shoulders pulling him up from the fetal position he had been trying to pull himself into. The traumatized boy whimpered at the contact, currently pale as death and covered in a cold clammy sweat.

"Nooooo," Remus moaned quieter now still in that terrible cave. However, the hand that grabbed him was a cold hand that pressed firmly to his forehead and it was that grounding gesture that brought him back to where he was. Remus' vision swam slightly and for a moment he was aware his body was curled on the ground but he could still see the cave so clearly, could feel it all so vividly. Then Remus saw Frank who had reached him first, eyes full of concern, and Patricia whose naturally cold hand was still on his forehead shooting Frank a helpless panicked look.

"Hey kid….kid can you hear us?" Patricia asked, finally noticing Remus' eyes, now open and full of tears. Remus nodded slightly, his face going red as he heard some snickers and someone mutter "Lupin? More like Loony Lupin aye," which caused nervous laughter to fill the room. To Remus, it didn't sound like the laughter of those who had no idea how to understand what had just happened and were frightened of what they could not understand. Remus could not grasp that his peers simply could not even begin to imagine the horrors that had caused what they saw as a meltdown for no reason. All Remus knew is that it felt like the entirety of Hogwarts was laughing at him.

"SHUT UP YOU WANKERS!" Patricia yelled outraged, going so far as to brandish her wand which certainly got the mean comments about insanity to be directed at her and not Remus. As Patricia, either knowingly or unknowingly, provided a distraction as she continued to rage at the crowd, Frank pulled Remus to his feet full of the genuine compassion of those whose kindness reaches far beyond what they don't understand. The gentle prefect led Remus out of the common room which didn't prove too difficult anymore as students backed away as if Remus' 'insanity' was contagious. By the time Remus and Frank reached the still open portrait of the Fat Lady, much to her deep disapproval, Gideon had gathered the attention of the crowd again. Remus couldn't possibly know how many in the crowd hadn't laughed and were concerned for their fellow Gryffindor or fellow classmate, that Fabian had jumped off the table intent to follow Remus but the dizziness of so many emotions left him leaning heavily against the wall instead. Remus only knew that everyone had laughed at him, he even imagined his friends doing so, though he knew they were most likely still in the dorm. So Remus really couldn't help the big fat tears from rolling down his cheeks. He followed Frank who kept a firm hand on his shoulder leading him further away from the common room looking down at Remus every so often with concern but at a complete loss of what to say. Finally, after they were out of sight and earshot of the group of people who had been pouring out of the Gryffindor common room he cleared his throat.

"Are you alright? No, that's stupid of course not. I'm sorry about that. They just….I can dock points if you want?" Frank offered, clearly feeling way out of his depth. Remus didn't reply for a moment wanting to pull himself together but that shame at public humiliation at this level was not something he had ever experienced before and therefore not something he could push down easily. So the tears kept coming. Remus felt like a small child which was the last way he wanted to feel, especially not after remembering something like that. It was just a snippet of memory and Remus couldn't help but feel it shouldn't have upset him as much as it had. Only it had upset him, very badly, and now he was bothering poor Frank.

"You can't dock points from everyone. But I'm alright Frank. Thank you for your help," Remus said in as calm of a tone as he could muster. He wasn't looking at Frank anymore, staring firmly at the ground instead, but he could feel Frank flinch as his hand was still on the werewolf's shoulder.

I'm a monster and a baby. Of course, they laughed at me. I really am Loony Lupin.

"It wasn't everyone Lupin, I promise you that. How about I take you to the Matron?" Frank offered kindly but Remus shook his head, biting his lip so hard it started bleeding the taste of copper mixing in with the salt of his tears. "Well…... I could go get Sirius or James for you...or Peter?" Frank added as an afterthought. Remus shook his head again, not trusting himself to talk. Frank sighed heavily. "I can't leave you alone Remus."

"I….I'll be fine," Remus choked out, not even believing himself as he said the words. He winced and shakily raised his hand to his cheek scrubbing his face free from tears. He took a deep breath and tried again. "I….I would rather be alone right now Frank. But I'll be okay. I promise."

Fran hesitated but it was evident he had no idea how to handle this situation.

"Well I mean if that's really what you want…" Frank sounded lost and his hand dropped from Remus' shoulder to his side.

Remus was gathering himself enough to know that while he didn't want to actually be alone Patricia was sure to be on their heels. The last thing Remus wanted to do was talk to Patricia. What if she made him hit the quaffle again? What if she released some other emotion in Remus that he didn't want to feel? Remus was certain he didn't want to feel anything at the moment. He knew he wouldn't be able to forget tonight, he was pretty sure he'd never stop hearing "Looney Lupin" whether it was in his head or not. But he didn't want to think about it now. What he really wanted was to go up to his dorm, empty of everyone but the other Marauders, and listen to Sirius spout ridiculous adventures they would do tonight to cheer Remus up which he would pretend to be against because of breaking rules but would secretly be quite pleased. But his roommates probably didn't know what had happened and Remus knew he couldn't go back into that crowd so he stood a bit taller and summoned every bit of lying and faking that he had ever had to do in his life so far. Forcing a genuine smile Remus looked up at the prefect whose, blurry with tears, green eyes widened considerably.

"I feel loads better now that I'm away from everyone. I just…..sort of...panicked… I .guess I'm claustrophobic but I didn't mean to cause a commotion like that. I guess I am a bit loopy," Remus laughed slightly, a self-deprecating laugh, but had maintained a calm relaxed tone about the matter. He didn't at all sound like a twelve-year-old boy who had just been embarrassed and Remus could see the confusion on Frank's face.

"Well….alright then. But you know you can talk to me if you need to?" Frank offered, sounding rather stunned and perhaps heartbroken though Remus wasn't sure why. The prefect sounded so much like Professor Corbyn that Remus almost laughed bitterly. Corbyn was another individual capable of making Remus face his emotions and while he liked his professor a great deal he rather hated that particular aspect of him. Remus could hear footsteps approaching and he knew it was Patricia. As Frank turned to see who it was, relief was palpable on his face when he realized it was Patricia, the boy whose shoulder he should have kept his hand on slipped away with all the stealth of a Marauder. As Remus left Frank behind as fast as he dared run while trying to be quiet he could hear Patricia begin to chew the prefect out for his stupidity at letting a clearly traumatized boy out of his sight. Remus felt guilty and hoped Patricia wasn't too hard on Frank.

With no actual idea where to go, but knowing it needed to be somewhere he couldn't be found, Remus just kept moving; exploring the castle whose halls were quite empty, a good deal of the school celebrating in the Gryffindor common room or their own. As Remus climbed to other floors and busied himself with, what Sirius would have exclaimed in mock horror as the most swatish of swat moves; counting all of the portraits on the different halls, he paused in the left corridor on the seventh floor of the castle. He wasn't entirely sure what had made him pause, only that he was reminded of last year when he had felt something off in Professor Blavatnik's classroom and had seen the invisibility cloak. But this time there was nothing to see. He was just staring at a vast empty wall, it was almost…..too empty. Remus kept standing there wondering not for the first time if he had any sanity left. He walked forward and touched the wall. It was odd considering the half of Hogwarts was littered with portraits and paintings, so much so that this blank wall felt….out of place and Remus wondered why he hadn't noticed it before. He supposed his game of counting, he had already reached 673 paintings and portraits so far, had brought his attention to it in a way he normally would not have noticed.

But Remus still had the chorus of "Loony Lupin" playing too loudly in his head to believe he was on to something. Instead, he believed that he was reading into nothing in his rather shoddy attempt to distract himself. Rushing on in exploration, Remus kept going, avoiding the hall and even the whole wing the DADA classroom was in entirely. He was sure he had been wandering for hours, his feet beginning to feel a bit sore from all the walking. Not really sure what else to do without a book with him, but not daring to go to the library as that was the first place anyone who knew him would check, he continued heading down the hall he was in suppressing a yawn and wondering if the crowd in the Gryffindor common room was gone yet. As he walked Remus realized he was nearing the kitchens, and had half a mind to tickle the pear on the painting and get something really chocolatey from the kitchen in an attempt to feel better before returning to the dorm. But instead, as Remus walked down the hall he saw a familiar face turn the corner and a genuine smile spread across the young werewolf's lips as he called out to his friend. "Ryan! Hi."

Ryan, who was walking with his head bent down so that he could smell a bouquet of roses he was holding, looked up in alarm then smiled though it didn't seem to reach his eyes. "What are you doing down here? Did you enjoy the second task?" Ryan asked, the boy's smile still seemed a bit forced. Remus knew all about forced smiles. He forced himself to give one back trying not to stare at the way one of Ryan's arms was positioned so that his hand could press against his back as he walked, hinting at some sort of injury.

"It was down right amazing! I'm so proud of Gideon and watching the different types of spells that we may come in contact with one day and the different ways to go about it was really intriguing," Remus spoke quickly, willing some of the excitement he had experienced what felt like a long time ago at the second task to resurface.

"Yeah, it was pretty great. But what are you doing down here?" Ryan asked the slightest bit of disappointment in his voice. Remus' smile nearly fell as he identified the fact Ryan probably didn't want him around.

"Just wandering but I can go, it seems you have...," Remus tried to think of what Sirius would say about a bloke carrying a bouquet of flowers, "an important date with someone." It felt like such a ridiculous notion but Ryan went dark red and Remus felt a spark of amusement deep below all the darkness coiling around and around in him.

"Oh no these aren't...I'm not…" Ryan quickly hid the big bouquet behind his back, stammering something awful, "I would….never…...I just…..I'm delivering…..them."

"You're delivering them for someone else?" Remus guessed, feeling he better put Ryan out of his misery. The boy relaxed and nodded. "That's nice of you. Who are you delivering them to?" Remus figured Ryan would know who since it seemed most likely Ryan was doing this as a favor for one of his friends. At least Remus would have liked to think that.

"I don't know I was just made to…." Ryan suffered a look of panic crossing across his face.

"Is it someone in Hufflepuff?" Remus guessed once more, saving Ryan the pain of having to explain. Ryan nodded.

"I can't find the common room though…" the embarrassed boy admitted and Remus offered to help, not expecting Ryan to take him up on the offer and certainly not with as much eagerness as he did. "You're the best Remus Lupin. Having your help would be a lifesaver."

Remus didn't think his actions merited being called a lifesaver since he had the sneaking suspicion that ignoring the bullying that had been going onto Ryan for a while was the opposite of saving his friend's life. But Remus knew how dreadful it was to be pushed to talk about something you didn't want to, or couldn't talk about. And the young werewolf simply could not bring himself to tell a professor about Ryan being bullied. After all, talking to an adult never seemed to help and Remus didn't want Ryan to be angry at him.

So he set about helping his friend the only way he currently could. Remus had a slightly better idea of where the Hufflepuff entrance was thanks to the off and on again misadventures of the Marauders plotting the castle until Sirius or James got bored of it. Thanks to this they located the stack of barrels that Ryan had been informed of meant they were close enough. Not daring to try to enter without knowing how; due to the well-known fact intruders would be doused with something, they got as close as they could to the barrels and shouted. Privately Remus felt like this wasn't going to work, in his mind he was picturing as loud of a party going on as in the Gryffindor common room.

"Oh wait!" Ryan yelped, quickly grabbing Remus' hand and rushing down the hall just in time for someone who was crawling out of the barrels to miss them entirely. Remus wasn't sure what had gotten into Ryan but he knew better than to announce themselves to whatever student had heard them shouting and come to check it out. They stood awkwardly behind the corner but whoever it was perhaps thought it was peeves because there was the sound of wood scraping on wood as the student went back the way they had come.

"What's wrong Ryan?" Remus asked quietly, concern knitting his eyebrows. Ryan blushed.

"I should have thought of it earlier, that's my bad. Only…..um you've got your Gryffindor tie on... I can't be seen with you like that especially not after Gideon winning. I know all of Hogwarts should be happy but most of the Slytherins, not all mind you, but...most aren't happy about it because he's a Gryffindor." Ryan explained always so quick to defend his house though it was always with a tone of sadness at how he had to because of so many cruel Slytherins.

"I can not go in with you," Remus suggested fine with this as he didn't want to get swept up in another crowd. But Ryan looked alarmed at this clearly wanting support which despite not wanting to brave another party Remus was determined to give. "Well how about you give me your tie. I doubt anyone would notice."

"Great idea! And hang on I know a spell that temporarily changes your hair color just in case." Ryan cleared his throat and tapped his wand to Remus' head citing an incantation he'd never heard before. There was a slight warmth to Remus' head who pulled out a few strands and despite knowing his hair color had changed stared stunned at the dark black strands.

"How'd you know how to do that? I've never heard that before," Remus replied encouragingly as he accepted Ryan's tie and shoved his Gryffindor one in his pocket.

"My mum….she was a stylist….worked with all sorts of famous people even Newt once who she told me was her favorite celebrity since he was so down to earth. Plus she liked maziology too and we'd sit by the fire for hours reading through his book and playing a game where we imagined what the creatures looked like based solely on their names," Ryan sniffled a bit and gave Remus an awkward smile. "It's quite fun...if you….you'd ever want to play it with me. But anyway that's a long answer for how I know the spell sorry for rambling."

"Don't be. I'm really glad you can talk about your mum. I…..I still can't. You're really strong Ryan."

The Slytherin averted his eyes and began tugging at a loose strand of his robe with one of his hands. There was a rather long string unraveled from the garment which was probably from Ryan's habit of picking at his clothes so often. "Strong for a Slytherin…"

"No Ryan, strong for a human," Remus insisted, meaning it with all his heart.

"What….what did your mum do?" Ryan asked after giving Remus a touched smile, his eyes still a bit watery. Remus felt his chest tighten.

"She…..used to work at a muggle records shop then she met my dad and ended up selling her paintings. She… was a really creative person." Remus whispered, realizing he hadn't told a single soul that information ever. It brought memories from when he was really small and sat on his mum's lap giggling as she painted. Hope Lupin had never scolded her son for dipping his hands in the paint and imitating his mum, in fact, she praised his artistic ability with such joy he had begun doing it every time she painted. But Hope Lupin stopped picking up a paintbrush once her son had returned home a monster, not once painting again until she died. Remus felt his own eyes well with tears and guilt fill him as he realized Ryan still believed he was an orphan.

"Ryan…" Remus wasn't entirely sure how he was going to explain that he had lied to his newest friend but he knew he had to try to. However, the sound of the barrel being opened stopped him. "We should go," he whispered, wishing he didn't feel so relieved over an excuse not to explain himself to Ryan.