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VI
POISON
April 17, 1931.
I am trembling as I write this. It's eleven in the morning and Thomas Shelby has just left my room. From the second floor, I hear Ada rebuking him for his behavior while he responds by using silence. I still feel his fragrance on my clothes and I can feel the warmth of his hand on the back of my neck.
God, my pulse is so uneven that I'm afraid the pen will slip and stain the paper. I need to calm down. I'm going to try to calm down.
I think he's gone. Or, at least, he and Ada no longer argue.
I know that the beginning of this entry contrasts sharply with the end of the previous one, so I am going to relate the facts to the best of my ability, praying that my nerves allow me to remember what happened.
I had last seen Thomas on April 13 when I left his office wishing I would never have to speak to him again in my life, being a total victim of disappointment and shame. I never told Ada what had happened because, knowing her personality, I knew she would face her brother, and I didn't want to be a participant or cause of a family dispute. I went home and locked myself in my room for the rest of the day so I could reflect peacefully, and when Ada returned from work, I pretended that I, too, had returned from mine half an hour before her arrival.
I resolved to keep up that charade until the situtation cooled down enough for it to cease to matter and so, at last, confess to my friend that I no longer worked for Thomas. The lie, or rather, the omission of the truth, lasted only three days and it was not because I considered it appropriate to confess what had happened, but because Thomas dragged me into it.
Today at nine o'clock in the morning, I was having my tea in the living room while I watched the babysitter comb Beth's curls, when Ada left her room putting on her earrings and, with narrowed eyes, analyzed me.
"Are you going to work today?" she wondered. She had been asking me that same question for days since it seemed strange to her that I was going to work so late. "We could go together".
"Thomas let me get there a little later today too," I replied.
I didn't know for sure how much longer I could use that excuse, but I had told myself that that afternoon, when I was alone, I was going to think of a new one. Ada and Thomas didn't seem to be in contact lately, but that they crossed paths inside the Company building was a risk for me because, inevitably, Ada would be struck by my absence.
"How considerate ..." Ada was not convinced but refrained from asking too much. Apparently, the discussion we had had was enough to consider saving an opinion. "Well, I'm going to the Company. Tell Thomas that even though he is no longer part of the Directory, he has to attend Directory meetings. He still has sixty percent of the shares, after all".
I thought in Ada's words as she put on her coat and shouted for Karl to hurry up. Once they were both gone, I asked to the babysitter:
"Does Mr. Shelby no longer belong to the Company's board of directors?"
The babysitter, who was a rather friendly old lady and more given to chatting than I first thought, smiled. She had become my accomplice during that charade and was taking too much risk considering Ada could fire her if she caught us.
"He left at the beginning of last year and his cousin, Michael, took his place place," the old woman told me.
"And why does he still have his offices there?"
"Oh, well, Mr. Shelby is still taking care of other matters related to the Company"
The brief explanation was enough for me to know that the "other matters" had little to do with the activity in which the Shelby Limited Co. stood out, so I decided that I would not ask again. I no longer had to be interested in the mysteries of Thomas Shelby, and they had never been of my concern.
When I finished my tea, the babysitter and Beth went for a walk in the park and I went to my room because suddenly I had been struck by the sudden inspiration for a new poem. I don't know how long I was writing and crossing out words, but I think it was enough to frustrate me and thus avoid the sound of the front door opening, in addition to the steps on the stairs.
For a moment I was so stupid as to believe that the babysitter and Beth had come home, even though I hadn't heard the girl's chatter, or the metallic sound of the stroller being taken apart in the hall. Now that I look back on it, it was obvious that the one who had entered the house was not one of those who lived with me: Karl was at school; Ada was working, and Beth and her babysitter had recently left.
I heard the door to my room open behind me but it didn't catch my attention. Convinced that it was the babysitter, I tried to focus on the sad attempt at a poem I was writing. I remember perfectly well that at that moment I was searching the confines of my mind for a word that rhymed with "poison".
"Olivia."
Hearing that voice was like suddenly hearing a spectrum sob. My body immediately stood up and I turned without thinking, as if trying to convince myself that my announcer was not who I thought it was.
But in fact, it was Thomas Shelby. As incredible as it sounds, he was on the threshold of my bedroom door.
"What are you doing here?" I stammered dumbfounded.
"This is my sister's house." He didn't seem very happy to have to explain. "Anyway, the reason I came is to bring you this, " he said, almost nonchalantly, and let me see what he was holding in his hands.
It was my purse and my hat, which I had left in the secretariat of his office ...
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"This was what I was looking for." Ada interrupted the reading and straightened her shoulders. "I remember when I first read this, I said, "what the fuck?" I never asked you how you had entered my house at that time. Since when did you have the keys, Tom?"
"I always have the keys to everything and everyone," Tommy shrugged. He was sitting on the one-body sofa in his sister's living room, his elbows resting on his knees and twisting the cloth cap between his fingers. The right hand was bandaged under the glove.
Tommy watched the black cat curled up in Ada's lap. He had forgotten about its existence since Olivia's murder and he regretted that; She had called it "Tommy the Cat" because she said it made her remember bout him: stray, grim and full of wounds. The truth was that, since "Tommy The Cat" had met Olivia, it had shed many of its flaws and was more sociable. Practically the same thing that had happened to him.
"You shouldn't have come that day," Ada reproached him. "Why did you come? You weren't going to apologize".
"And I didn't apologize," said Tommy. At the time I didn't know she was so sensitive and it wasn't until yesterday that I read her diary that I knew how much my words had hurt her," he explained. "I'm not used to that kind of woman, Ada"
"You still don't tell me why you came," Ada looked at him.
"Keep reading and you'll know."
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It was my purse and my hat, which I had left in the secretariat of his office. He stretched out his arm but did not approach me, perhaps because he expected me to be the one to approach him; perhaps because he didn't want to be frighten me even more.
Although I was still troubled by the fact that he had appeared there, I went to Thomas and received what he offered me. I can't say I denied the possibility that he would take my hand and approach me because I would be lying. I knew he could do it so when I felt his fingers around my wrist I wasn't surprised.
"I waited for you to come the next day," Thomas spoke in a tone of voice that did not allow his feelings to be known. I didn't know if he was angry, disappointed, or indiferente "and the next one, but you didn't come. Today I was also waiting for you to come. A good boss would fire you but you are lucky I'm not a good boss".
"I assumed you would understand that, after the discussion we had, I was quiting," I explained, struggling to maintain integrity. Remembering what he had said made me feel angry again. I forced myself to free myself from his grasp but he did not release me, but took me with more impetus.
"You can't quit."
"What? Excuse me, but I don't even remember signing any contract..."
"Sometimes I wonder if you really are that naive" he interrupted. His expression was grim and for a moment he intimidated me. "I can't read you, I don't know how to read you, and that worries me. Who the fuck are you?" He demanded to know. The attitude he was having towards me was a far cry from the one he showed the other day in his office but it was just as violent in my eyes.
"Olivia Francine Westerling," I provoked him. "You should know better than me. You have access to all my life"
"Thoughts are not documented and that makes me a little nervous," he blurted sarcastically. "What are you thinking about, Olivia Francine Westerling? Are you really a former factory employee with poet aspirations?"
"I know it will surprise you, but some of us are so simple that we have no other lives than what we show," I attacked and tried to free myself once more, but failed again. "And since you are so interested, let me tell you that I'm not a naive or an idiot, I simply choose to keep quiet because I know that sometimes the best thing to do is to keep quiet, not asking questions, not pry into matters that are better hidden; With the latter, I am referring to your family's business".
"You don't snoop on my businesses but you do in my life, eh?" Thomas brought me closer to him. I could feel his breath hitting my nose. "How do I have to feel about that that?"
"If what bothered you was I mencioning ... her, I apologize. I shouldn't have, but I did it so that we were on an equal footing: you know about me, and I know about you". I needed to finish that discussion as soon as possible and leave. The situation and the closeness made my legs tremble.
"Equal footing?" He laughed, and as I did, I could smell tobacco. "You have no idea who I am."
"Then tell me, who are you, Mr. Shelby?" I asked, remembering that Ada had said the same thing to me a couple of days ago.
"A monster".
The kiss was soft and came to me almost tenderly. I was more surprised that it was Thomas Shelby who kissed me like that than the fact that he was kissing me. At first I did not respond and I did it consciously, allowing myself the delight of sensations and giving him the right to do what he wanted. He stopped grabbing my wrist and put an arm around my waist and gently stroked the back of my neck.
I could not resist the temptation. I stroked his face and molded myself to him, following his movements little by little, perceiving everything my senses allowed me. He tasted of whiskey and tobacco, and the skin on his face was smooth since he had certainly shaved that morning. His perfume intoxicated me and I was surprised to be aware of how much I had wanted that moment since I had known him.
"I'm going to London for a couple of days," he said between the kiss. "I have some business in Parliament. Come with me".
"No".
I stopped kissing him and looked him in the eye. My answer had misplaced him. I still felt my body shiver but I did not waste the opportunity to pose a couple of things to that man who, since he met my eyes, knew how to take over my heart. I wasn't going to let him get away with it so easily and the fact that he had gotten a kiss from me was more than valid reason for me to talk to him about certain matters.
He had had the audacity to slip into my room, torture myself with his presence and kiss me, submitting to a will that I was not able to oppose. Such a thing led me to hate myself a little since it went against all my principles and ideals, and even with his arms around me, he had made me break thousands of the promises that I knew to make myself a time ago, the last time I felt in love.
"In your office, you asked me if I was looking to 'fuck' with you," I said. For some reason, he seemed to like hearing me say the word "fuck." "At that moment, I just answered you with a slap, but now, let me do it with words: yes, I want to fuck with you" I felt him take me harder and try to kiss me again. I leaned back "...but I won't for now".
"Why?" He wanted to know. At my rejection, he had frowned.
"Because I hardly know you," I replied. "And by this I don't mean that I'm waiting for you to invite me to dinner or coffee. I know the kind of man you are. I sense the kind of secrets you hide. I need to know everything about you before I fuck with you because I am not ready to suffer again".
"Olivia," he said my name almost purringly and stroked the back of my neck again.
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"This is very uncomfortable," Ada said, somewhat embarrassed, "and, after this one, I read worse entries"
"Do you want to know what I felt when I kissed her the first time?" Tommy was absorbed in his memories.
"No! Why the hell would I want to know that?" His sister had a disgusted expression.
"Love"
"Oh..." His response had surprised Ada.
"Pretty much the same way I felt when I kissed Grace for the first time in that church," he explained. "After Grace's death I never imagined that I could feel something similar again".
"Why do you say 'pretty much the same way'?" Her sister had been struck by the words he had used.
"They are... were different women. Very different. When I kissed Grace the first time, the Thomas of that moment kissed the woman he believed to be Grace, until he discovered who she really was. When I kissed Olivia, I kissed Olivia. She was always the same, from the gala dinner until the morning of the day of her death, which was the last time I saw her".
Ada moved uncomfortably on the couch and the cat meowed annoyed. Tommy looked at the cat and remembered that the last time he had seen her, Olivia had held the cat in her arms, and when he kissed her, the cat had meowed upset at the closeness between its owner and its namesake.
"So," her sister struggled to change the topic, "you came all the way here to take her with you to London."
"Yes".
"And she not only rejected your proposal, but also rejected your cock." Ada smiled. "That's my Olivia… " she murmured.
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/
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He made an attempt to kiss me one more time, and while I didn't mean to shy away from him, Ada's heels running up the stairs made me try to free me. Thomas, for his part, took me even stronger, as if motivated by the fact that his sister discovered us very close together; as if he wanted to make it clear to my friend that he wasn't going to give up on me.
When Ada arrived at my open door, she was not shocked. She was already disappointed, and all she did was stop dead in her tracks to cross her arms, in silence. I know her and I know that she is more dangerous when silent than shouting insults.
"Congratulations, Tom," she was forced to speak as neither her brother nor I said anything. Thomas still held on to me and I stood up simply because I was reloading my weight on him. I was languid. "You got what you wanted".
"What are you talking about, Ada?" Thomas played down her sister's words.
"And you pretend to be an idiot." Ada narrowed her eyes. "Since I have known you, you have always been the same. They tell you not to do something, not to touch something, and you do it or you touch it". I noticed her chin was shaking and then I knew she was furious. "What the fuck are you trying to show? That no one denies Tommy Shelby anything, right?"
I realized then that those two had been talking about me much more than I thought. I knew how important I was to Ada, but until then, the possibility that I might have been for Thomas too had not occurred to me. At least not enough to challenge his sister like that, taking that kind of daring in his own home.
"Olivia is not a thing and she can choose," he said.
Finally, Thomas released me from his arms and I walked away as if there was still the possibility of going back in time and preventing Ada from seeing anything.
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/
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"How did you know I was at your house?" Tommy remembered that, until then, he had never asked her that.
"Olivia was good at hiding stuff, but I was better at pretending that I hadn't discovered them," Ada said "I did notice that she was not attending the Company. The building is big but I am not an idiot.
"What does that have to do with me? Did you see me leave the building?"
"No," Ada denied. "Your absence from the board meeting made Arthur go looking for you and couldn't find you anywhere. I wasn't entirely sure if you would come after Olivia but I was suspicious. Call it 'sixth sense' " she cut it off and prepared to continue reading.
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I know it sounds stupid, but I felt like I had failed my friend. Not only did I find it quite questionable to kiss her brother in the room that she so selflessly allowed me to occupy, but I had also ignored all her advice, knowing that she had given it to me for my own good and not because she didn't want me to become part of her family. I had hidden things from her, lied to her, and now I was facing her, unable to speak.
"Forgive me, Ada." I had to apologize." You have every right to kick me out if you wish, I ..."
"Are you serious?" My friend interrupted. "Throw you into the street so this jerk has the opportunity to take you to his fucking mansion to live with his wife in a beautiful and fucking ménagè a trois relationship?" she attacked in a fit of fury. Her words were loaded with sarcasm. "You haven't forgotten that he's married, right?"
No. I hadn't forgotten, and while I couldn't put it into words at the time, now that I can write it I'll say that when Thomas kissed me, I didn't care. And I don't care.
I just shook my head silently. In response to my denial, Ada sighed in defeat.
"Thomas, come with me," she ordered her brother. "I want to talk to you alone".
Before following Ada's steps, Thomas adjusted the overcoat that I had wrinkled, and looked in his pocket for his inseparable cigarette case. He fixed his eyes on me and my heart skipped a beat. I wished he would kiss me again, and I'm sure if Ada hadn't been waiting for him downstairs, he would have. And I would have too.
"I already told you: I'm going to London tomorrow. I won't be back until Wednesday," he said. "Are you sure you don't want to come with me?" He insisted.
"I'm sure. Even more now" I said, and hearing that, he looked disappointed again.
"Okay. See you on Wednesday in my offices" he said goodbye with a slight bow of the head. "Rest well. And write, "he added.
As he left, he closed the door and I strode to my desk, as if I suddenly needed to write what had happened to me. And here I am now, waiting in the sudden tranquility that reigns in this house when just a few minutes ago, my existence was disturbed by Thomas, and Ada who ...
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"The entry ends here" Ada closed the diary. "At that moment, I walked through the door to her room and saw her writing like a crazy woman, hunched over the desk. I thought it was one of her poems and that what she had lived had inspired her, but it wasn't".
"What did you say to her?" Tommy wanted to know.
"I told her that I had had enough of warning her and she could do whatever she wanted." He saw his sister shrug her shoulders but, at the mere memory, anger showed on her face. "I must have been more insistent. If I had been, perhaps today things would be different".
"And I should have listened to you when you called me a couple of days before, after you found out that she was going to work for me," he admitted.
"Was it the same morning you acted like a jerk to her?"
"Yes," Tommy admitted, standing up. "When I got your call, Olivia had already slapped me and left, but I thought the right thing to do was let her tell you what had happened"
"As you see, she never told me." Ada's jaw clenched.
"She was afraid of disappointing you," Tommy tried to defend Olivia.
"No. Olivia knew that whatever she did, she would never disappoint me. What she really feared was that I would take her away from you. Ever since she met you, that was always her biggest fear" Ada stroke the diary nostalgically. "So she always kept Polly and me from knowing too much. Sometimes I wonder, to what extent we were friends ..."
"Ada," Tommy reached out and took her by the shoulders, "Olivia adored you. She always talked about you".
Her sister tried to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes and, as if trying to free herself from the memory, she returned the diary to him.
"Why did you want to read this entry with me?" Ada asked, wiping away a tear that had slipped down her cheek.
"Because I need advice."
"Tommy Shelby asking for advice?" Her sister was surprised and Tommy The Cat, with a meow, also expressed his amazement.
"Olivia never told me about the man she nearly married twice," upon hearing him say that, Tommy witnessed Ada's brows arch. She imagined what he was about to ask her. "And I tried not to ask about him, although my curiosity was eating me away. After Olivia's death, I found out his name, which is ..."
"Andrew Fairfax," his sister interrupted. "Yes, Tom, I know. I met him, unfortunately".
"It turns out, to my surprise, that he is a very active member of the Labour Party in London. My party, "he explained.
"I knew it too." Ada shrugged. "So?"
"Maybe he can tell me something."
"Tell you something about what?" Ada's nerves were beginning to twitch.
"About Olivia's death." Tommy watched his sister snort impatiently. "The two men she became involved with were socialists. The fascists may have located Olivia thanks to me, but they may have already blacklisted her since her relationship with Fairfax ..."
"And so you would free yourself from your guilt, right?" Ada attacked "If you're looking for my go-ahead with meeting Fairfax, you're not going to have it, Tommy. That bastard is despicable and I'm not saying that because he was a son of a bitch with poor Olivia, or because with his rejection she dragged her towards the Shelbys. He is miserable and you will not be able to have a dialogue with him without wanting to punch his face".
"Ada, I need to know the truth."
"Which truth?" she was fed up "You already know the fucking truth! It was Mosley; he ordered her to be killed. Focus on destroying him instead of wanting to start a bloody civil war"
"I will start a war if necessary."
"God…"
"I will send to hell anyone who has been involved in Olivia's death, and I don't give a fuck if I have to kill even the King"
"They're going to hang you" Beyond her anger, Ada looked worried, and in her gaze Tommy noticed that she felt sorry for him. "You will die, Tom".
"Ada," Tommy reached into his jacket pocket and looked for his cigarette case almost desperately, "You know very well that I'm already dead".