A/N: Hey there! I know I took so long to update but, believe me, to translate this chapter was hell.

Anyway, this is a very long chapter (and a sassy one), so I decided to split it in two parts. This is PART ONE. I'll publish PART TWO in a couple of days.

Remember that favs and/or reviews are important to me and motivate me a lot since translate this thing is such a torture lol. You can also find this story on wattpad (same name), in english and spanish!

Enjoy ;)

XIII

PRETTY

PART ONE

June 7th, 1931

My last entry was over a month ago and if I am to find a justification for such neglect of my memories, I would say, without shame, that the last four weeks without Thomas were a martyrdom for me. They were a torture for my soul in which I had to live with my thoughts, alone in Ada's house while she was at work, and the immense need I felt for the man who stole my heart.

I couldn't find any peace through the holidays Thomas gave me. My panic attacks were increasing, even more when I was in the solitude of my room, and the laudanum that the doctor gave me in small doses at first, increased the nightmares and fears in quantity.

During these weeks, I tried to call Thomas several times since I knew that he would never stop by the house, but he did not answer. I assumed that he would be in London but that was no excuse for his disinterest. I confess that I reached a point where I almost began to detest him because of his indifference but now I understand that he did it to uproot everything that could remind me of what had happened in his office.

I'm not sure if he achieved his goal but I admit that spending a day with him healed my soul much more than his disinterest.

My heart races at the simple memory and on my skin I perceive a slight tingling, a mixture of happiness and pleasure. Four weeks passed without seeing him, but twenty-four hours were enough for him to show me all his affection. A huge affection, overflowing with pure feelings, opposite to the image that people have of Thomas Shelby.

I love him. I love him and I'm not sorry to say it. I love him silently and one day I'll be brave enough to let him know. Someday when he can answer me the same. Someday when Ada stops fearing for me. Someday when he's not tied to another woman.

It was Saturday, June 6th, and Thomas had shown up at Ada's house while we were having breakfast. I could not contain myself and I hugged him as soon as he manifested himself in the room, and hiding my face from the inquisitive look of my friend, I cried a little. He responded to my hug in a subtle and almost cold way but I didn't care. When he said that we were going to the estate of his acquaintance, Ada snorted and I smiled. I left my breakfast half off and did not even prepare changes of clothes since we were only going to spend the day although, at the express request of Thomas, I brought my notebook of poems.

The gentle breeze of a spring morning filtered through the car window, taking on the character of a blizzard during the sections in which the car had a free road. Thomas drove in silence and I dozed in the passenger seat, relaxed by the noise of the engine. Then, I felt his hand on my knee.

"How do you feel?" Thomas asked me.

"I'm fine... and happy", I confessed.

I saw how he outlined a smile with his eyes still on the road.

"That's good", he said. "You're going to love your mare. What are you going to name her?". I spluttered realizing that I hadn't thought of such a thing. Thomas seemed amused by that oversight. "You're a writer and therefore have a good imagination. I guess you can come up with something original".

"You might be surprised to learn that I'm lousy at names", I admitted and I let out a sigh. "That's why I write poems and not novels".

"Well, when you meet her, she'll whisper the name she wants you to give her". While Thomas was trying to remain stoic, he was perceived as excited.

"From having the ability to speak, whisper, and other things, she'll laugh when I ride her without having the slightest idea of what to do". I saw Thomas hold back a laugh. "And you will do the same", I said, pretending that he had offended me.

"I'm not going to deny that I'll be amused by it", Thomas shrugged, "but you'll come out of that estate knowing how to ride".

The journey took another quarter of an hour. When the car stopped, I found myself confused since I only saw countryside around me. Looking out the window on Thomas's side, my surprise was capitalized: not far from the road and surrounded by green pastures stood the most opulent building I have seen since my arrival in Birmingham. Its architecture was similar to that of a London mansion and not a country estate like the one Thomas owned. The simple fact of imagining what it would be inside made me open my mouth like an idiot.

"Wow..." I mumbled, stunned.

"Yes, my reaction was the same the first time I came", Thomas said.

Thomas drove up to the entrance and as we got closer to the front of the building its details became more beautiful. It was then that next to a huge window I recognized the figure of a woman dressed in riding clothes and there I was aware that I had already made my first mistake: I was wearing a tight skirt.

The woman approached to greet us as soon as we got out of the car and, devoid of any kind of expression, she rested her dark eyes on me, analyzing me from head to toe as if I were some kind of unknown specimen.

"It's been a long time, Thomas", she greeted but in my ears, it sounded more like a reproach. "Is she your friend?", she asked, approaching me with her arm extended. She greeted me with a handshake.

"Olivia Westerling", I introduced myself somewhat embarrassed. The presence of that woman overwhelmed me; it was the complete opposite of what I was or could become.

"May Fitz Carleton", she introduced herself. "Thomas told me about you. He said you can't ride".

I felt myself blush. May's words had not been spoken with the intention of offending but there were three of us and I was the only one who had no knowledge of horses.

"She can't ride, no", Thomas chimed in after clearing his throat. For some reason, he looked uncomfortable, "but she'll learn".

May took a few seconds and looked at me once more. She had definitely noticed my clothes as soon as I had gotten out of the car, but even so, she bothered to make my lack of knowledge more than obvious.

"With that skirt it will be a bit difficult", she observed, arching an eyebrow. "Have you brought suitable clothes, Olivia?"

"No". The monosyllable came out of my mouth almost in a whisper.

"That she doesn't know that she can't ride in a skirt is understandable", May now spoke to Thomas as if I were suddenly a completely incapable little girl, "but that you have ignored that fact..."

"Why don't you lend her one of your trousers?" Thomas interrupted, and I witnessed how May didn't like the proposal at all. "You two have almost the same body shape", he added, ignoring the woman's expression of discontent.

"Her hips are wider than mine but we'll try", May snapped relentlessly. I knew in that instant that that stranger hated me. She forced a smile. "Let's go in".

May stepped forward and started toward the front door. Thomas waited for me to be next to him to start walking. Apparently he had noticed my annoyance.

"Don't take it personally", he told me, lighting a cigarette. "May is a millionaire since she was born".

"I didn't know that being born rich justified the lack of tact". I was offended and couldn't hide it.

"Nobody teaches these kinds of people to measure their words, Olivia", I felt Thomas stroke the small of my back surreptitiously. "They're used to saying everything they think without anyone reproaching them. Beyond that, May is a good woman, trust me. She's very lonely and that is why sometimes behaves like this".

"Lonely?", I asked curiously.

"She's a widow".

Something echoed in my mind when Thomas informed me of May Carleton's situation. At first, I couldn't tell the difference between that strange sensation that had settled in my chest, as if suddenly certain information had been revealed to me. Then what is usually called "female intuition" showed me a phrase, a faint memory, of an argument I had had with Ada over a month ago and I felt my heart race.

"Every woman who gets my brother's attetion, ends up, sooner or later, in his bed. Without exception. It doesn't matter if they are spies of the Crown, millionaire widows, communists, aristocrats ... why do you think that with you it would be different?"

Millionaire widows. May Fitz Carleton was a millionaire widow and she was not for Thomas a mere acquaintance who trained his horses. That was the reason for her animosity. That was why she disliked me so much, and I could do no more than silently curse Thomas for having consciously dragged me into the home of a woman who was or had been his lover.

Walking beside me, smoking his cigarette, he looked so indifferent and unconcerned that I would have liked to slap him right there, but what could I do? I was his lover too, just like May. The only one who had the legitimate right to be offended was Lizzie Shelby and she wasn't there.

I was angry and my bad mood didn't allow me to delight in the details of the interior of the living room. Surrounded by fine china and gold, all I could think about was running out of there, but urban Birmingham was far away and I couldn't take Thomas's car with me. That would mean leaving him stranded there, alone with May.

"Follow me to a guest room, Olivia. I'll give you a pair of trousers there", May told me, feigning kindness. "Where are you going?", she stopped Thomas, who had started to follow us. "Olivia is going to change her clothes. Wait here".

In the guest room, a maid brought me some trousers and trying to avoid May's inquisitive gaze, I went behind the screen and began to undress.

"How long have you known Thomas?" May asked as soon as the maid left the room and we were alone. It was obvious that she had wanted to question me since we had arrived.

"Two months ago", I said. "And you, Mrs. Carleton?"

"Nine years". Because of the screen, I couldn't see her face but I knew she smiled. "No need for formalities with me, Olivia. You can call me May", she added. "Thomas told me that you're his secretary".

"I'm a friend of his sister," I corrected her, "and as a result of this, his secretary."

"Thomas must have a lot of esteem for you to give you a mare of such good stock", May commented while I struggled to button up the trousers. The last button did not reach its buttonhole and then I realized that I, indeed, have wider hips than May.

"We get along well", I just answered.

"How well?"

At that moment, I came out from behind the screen. May was looking at me again with those observant eyes.

"Well, it looks better on you than I thought", the woman commented, pointing to a pair of boots next to a couch. "Put those on too. You won't be able to put your feet in the stirrups if you're wearing heels".

"Thomas and I have a relationship according to what a man and his secretary would have", I lied, although I could have avoided answering the question May had asked me. My most competitive part cried out to provoke that woman.

"It must be a close enough relationship for you to address him by his first name", May narrowed her eyes.

"Like I said, I'm friends with her sister". I took a seat on the couch to put on my boots.

"The relationship you have still seems curious to me. He gave you a horse and insists you learn to ride".

"What do you mean, Mrs. Carleton?" I faced her, standing up. "You must know that if you and Thomas are close, I care very little", I attacked.

My heart was going to leap out of my chest at any moment, and although May Carleton didn't know me, I knew that she had realized that I was lying. I was trying really hard to keep my feelings from showing on my face but I could feel my cheeks burning and my jaw was set.

"Once we were 'close' but not anymore". May crossed her arms. "Whatever is between the two of you, I won't get in the way, Olivia. It's not up to me to do it so don't worry", she said, referring to Lizzie. "All I'm going to tell you is that man is only capable of loving one woman and that woman is Grace Shelby".

"Grace Shelby is dead".

"Exactly. Neither you nor I can compete with a deceased woman. The simple memory of her makes her perfect and she is no longer here to disappoint him". Hearing May, I lowered my gaze. She was right. "You're young, beautiful and from what I see, you're also smart. I hope Thomas doesn't break your heart like he once did break mine".

May opened the door and ordered a maid to gather my clothes and leave them on hand for when we returned from the stables. Leaving my mind flooded with thoughts, she left the room and I forced myself to follow in her footsteps. It was not my intention to get lost in that maze of rooms.

When we returned to the living room where Thomas was sitting, he seemed delighted to see me wearing trousers. I felt strange: I was not used to wearing that garment although I had to admit that it offered more freedom than a skirt. I figured it would accentuate my curves too and that's why Thomas was captivated.

We made our way to the stables just as the sun was reaching its zenith. When we got there, an old man led us to the cubicle where the gift that Thomas had given me for no reason was.

I must confess that when I saw that animal, there was an immediate connection. She was a mare with shiny brown fur, thoroughbred, and her eyes twinkled at my sight with almost the same joy that mine did. Fascinated, I went to her snout, caressed her head and she received it as if she had known me forever.

"She's beautiful", I said abstractedly. I had left Thomas and May behind me.

"It seems she likes you", Thomas commented and leaned over to pet the animal. "Hello, pretty, how are you?", he greeted her.

"Pretty", I murmured and looked at Thomas.

"What?" Thomas looked confused.

"That's what I'll name her: Pretty".

Thomas smiled and I smiled back at him. That day, he was allowing himself to smile and that filled me with joy.

"Did she whisper it to you?" Thomas leaned close to my ear and asked the question as if he was completely unaware of May's existence.

"No, you gave me the idea", I said softly, teasing him.

The old man took Pretty by the reins and led her to the training arenas, where Thomas, May and I then headed. I stroked the animal again while they were saddling her, and once this was done, May headed towards me.

"Come, we'll help you up".

I stood in front of the stirrups with some fear and watched May and Thomas, waiting for them to give me directions.

"Put your foot in the stirrup", the woman seemed amused by my ignorance. "No, the other one. If you go up with that foot you will be sitting backwards".

We were both surprised when we heard Thomas chuckling. In my case —and apparently in May's case as well— it was the first time I had seen him laugh. It was a different laugh than the ones I already knew, since it lacked all kinds of mockery, bravado or sarcasm and was the manifestation of true happiness. Apparently, my ignorance caused him tenderness.

"I can't", I concluded after several attempts to climb onto Pretty's loin.

"You seem to be afraid of hurting the mare", May observed, frowning. "You won't hurt her. Stand on the stirrup without fear and pass one leg to the other side".

"Come on, Ollie. I'll help you", Thomas placed the cigarette to his lips and took me under the armpits, lifting me up.

This made it easier for me to climb into the saddle, and once I was sitting, I watched Thomas and May from that height. I felt imposing on Pretty's loin.

"Okay, now take the reins", May pointed out.

Following the instructions of the woman, whose patience seemed to be very little, I took the reins and dread ran through me as the mare moved under me, moving forward a little.

"Ah!" I yelled, stooping to hug the mare's long neck. I felt like I was going to fall.

"God…" I heard May whisper.

Looking back at those two, I saw them holding back their laughter. Once again, I was struck by how immensely happy Thomas looked and how May was shooting furtive glances at him, enchanted by the side he was making known. I did not feel jealous, but on the contrary: that I was the cause of that state, reaffirmed my love and dispelled my fears.

"This will take longer than I thought", May said to Thomas.

"It doesn't matter. We have all the time in the world".

That 'all the time in the world' was reduced to the hours it took for the sudden spring storm to settle in the sky, taking sunlight with it. May ordered the mare to be kept in the stable and we returned to the estate just as it was beginning to rain.

We ate early, hoping that this would reduce the anxiety caused by the weather and the inescapable situation that it entailed. As I drank my soup, I prayed that it would stop raining to end this visit full of tense moments, but my torments did not seem to be heard as the downpour was getting worse and worse.

The clock read half past eight at night and I was watching the rain through the window when May, quite anxious, was forced to speak.

"You won't be able to go back to Birmingham in this rain", she observed. The idea of having us as guests didn't seem to please her. "The roads become dangerous".

"We're sorry for the inconvenience, May", Thomas apologized, though the outlook didn't matter much to him.

"The house is big, you already know that. It's not a problem". May sighed and closed her eyes for a couple of seconds as if she was preparing to say something that she found difficult to pronounce. "Are you going to share a room?"

Thomas looked at me. With his eyes he asked me if giving an affirmative answer was the right thing to do and with my silence, I replied that I delegated the responsibility for such a decision to him. Anxiety made me bite my lower lip because I knew what it would mean to share a bed with that man.

I don't want to be misunderstood: there was nothing in the world that I craved for more. Ever since he kissed me for the first time, I wanted him to take me, but the reality was that Thomas was still a married man —although the little attachment he felt for Lizzie was public knowledge— and besides, we were in the house of a woman who had previously been his lover, which made it all the more awkward for me.

"Yes", Thomas replied, and May nodded. The response hadn't surprised her.

"I suppose, Olivia, you haven't brought any nightgown either", May said, turning to me. Seeing me shake my head, she sighed. "I'll lend you a nightgown. After all, my clothes don't look bad on you", she added.

After a maid provided me with a beautiful white silk nightgown, May led us to one of the many guest rooms. It was smaller than the one I had previously used to change clothes but it was still just as ostentatious. Decorated with antique paintings, the dim light from the lamps on the nightstands was absorbed by the thick red velvet curtains. A dark wood screen had different asian motifs hand painted.

"I'm going to change", I informed Thomas once May left.

"Alright"

Behind the screen, I was shaking like a virgin. It wasn't cold but I was bristling. I heard Thomas undress as well, and as I struggled to remove my corset, I felt my heart shake within me. Nothing had happened yet but the simple fact of imagining him with me in a bed made a tingling manifest between my thighs.

The only man I had ever slept with had been Andrew. I had started dating him in my twenties and when we broke up at twenty-nine, I never slept with anyone else. My experiences with Andrew hadn't been exactly good, and that was why my friends, including Ada, didn't know where I got inspiration for my poetry. I guess my imagination had bothered to supply what Andrew hadn't been able to provide. I had never known delicacy or pleasure with him, but something inside me told me that with Thomas it would be different.

I stepped out from behind the screen, hugging the clothes I had taken off, shivering under the silk nightgown. Thomas had his back to me, wearing only his underpants and folding his shirt meticulously while smoking a cigarette.

Hearing me he turned around and looked at me. And I looked at him.

I was surprised by the amount of scars his chest revealed to me. There were many that were the product of stitches, but others were definitely poorly healed gunshot wounds. The tattoo on his left chest caught my eye: it seemed to represent a sunrise.

I placed my clothes on a couch and a lightning split the sky as Thomas flopped onto the mattress, face up, with the cigarette between his fingers.

I went to the bed and lay down next to him. He looked at me.

"My Aunt Polly is a gypsy witch". I was missed by his words and I couldn't help but look confused. "Yesterday I asked her if today it was going to rain and she said yes. That's why I went to Ada's house looking for you".

I opened my eyes like plates. He had planned all this. He knew that if it rained, we couldn't go back to Birmingham and would have to spend the night there, together.

"You knew"

"I told you it would be in a bed, Ollie". He took a drag on his cigarette and managed a smile. "A bed, in a beautiful room".