A/N: I'm sorry for taking so long to update. I'm going through a difficult time and haven't been able to update any of my stories. I hope you still find "Born to Lose" interesting and thanks for supporting me.

XXIV
PANDORA'S HEART

With Thomas's gaze on me and witnessing Michael's indifference, I knew that Michael had planned this meeting. He had known that his cousins would be arriving at the pub at that time, and that was why he had taken me there with him.

The intentionality ignited anger in me.

"I wanted Olivia to meet The Garrison", Michael shrugged.

"And why the hell would you want to bring Olivia to a place like this?", Thomas questioned, then turned to me. "And why the fuck would you come with him?". His eyes flashed with anger.

"Don't pick on her, Tom. Olivia didn't know I was going to bring her here", Michael spoke for me since my throat was in knots. "I just wanted us to spend some time together", he blurted out boldly and with alarming impishness.

Thomas stood still, his expression heavy with confusion. He looked at both of us a couple of times, as if trying to come to terms with what was in front of him, and I saw him clench his fists.

"Of all the places you could have taken her, you chose to bring her here? Why not a restaurant, or a theater, or a fucking hotel?"

I felt hurt to hear him say that, as it made me feel as if I would have been able to agree if Michael had taken me to a hotel.

"Look at her, Tom. She wouldn't even sit in the chair in front of me, do you think she would have sat still if I'd taken her to a hotel?"

As Michael snorted another line of cocaine, Thomas reached over to me and, to my stupor, stroked my face. I received his caress as if it was the thing I needed most in the world, and hugging myself, I allowed him to run his thumb down my cheek.

"What did you do to her, Michael?", Thomas wanted to know as he looked me over with his eyes. Apparently, there must have been something about my condition that caught his attention. "Did you touch her?", he mumbled the question. The mere thought of such a thing made Thomas' face twitch with rage.

"I'm not a fucking rapist", Michael defended himself, now offended.

"Did he touch you?", Thomas asked me, as if he didn't believe his cousin's words.

I shook my head and that was answer enough for him.

I wanted to get out of there, but I couldn't find the time or the opportunity. Arthur and Finn were still standing in front of the door, observing the situation, and I noticed that the older man was on the defensive and waiting for Thomas to give him an order, whatever it might be. The attention was on me, as I was the subject of the discussion and even if I made it out of the pub, it was only a matter of seconds before any of the men there noticed I was gone.

I doubted anyone would hold me but needless to say, Thomas was going to follow in my footsteps and I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want anything to do with him. I didn't want to be involved with him anymore.

The situation unfolding in that room attached to the pub seemed to me a perfect demonstration of why I should never have messed with Thomas or the Shelbys: Michael had taken advantage of my need for a job to see if he could have sex with me, and he had calculated everything down to the millimeter to make it happen in that room because he knew Thomas would be there sooner rather than later. The alcohol and cocaine weren't just there by chance. Michael wanted to lure me into the vices because he knew that was the only way to get me to give in.

Thomas, for his part, had distrusted me. After all I'd shown him and all we'd been through together, he'd distrusted me, and that tore at my heart. He had only been sympathetic when he knew I hadn't gone to that pub of my own free will, but what if I had? What would his reaction have been?

"You did something to Olivia", Thomas said. He was still staring at me. "She's paralyzed".

"That's because she's afraid of you", Michael attacked, and when his cousin shot him a withering glance, he nodded, reaffirming what he had said. "Yes, Olivia is afraid of you. Before you arrived, she confronted me and questioned me. That woman is braver than you think, Tommy, and she doesn't need your protection", he said.

"You're not one to tell me what I should or shouldn't give to Olivia". Thomas was getting violent again.

"You're right, but it seems to me that all she wants from you is distance". Michael sipped his gin. "She quit her job for a reason, you know".

"The reason for her resignation is known only to her and to me".

Thomas was dangerously close to Michael, and Michael, for his part, remained seated, oblivious to his cousin's outburst of anger.

"Well, let me guess what on earth would make a woman blindly faithful to you make the sudden resolution to walk away like that. I can only think of one reason and that is, you did something dirty to her, Tom". Michael stood up and now the two men were face to face. "I think you raped her".

"That's not true", I hastened to speak, but it was too late.

Thomas struck Michael in the stomach, and the latter, stooping, responded by throwing himself upon the other man with all his weight. They both fell on the seats, and Arthur and Finn approached: Arthur with the goal of helping Thomas; Finn with the idea of separating them.

The commotion gave me the opportunity I had been waiting for, and while I was worried about leaving Thomas in the middle of a fight, I put my own well-being first and ran out into the street. I ran in the darkness of Small Heath for several blocks, not caring where I was going and it was at a corner that I forced myself to stop as I had no idea where I was.

Small Heath was quite a distance from the neighborhood where Ada lived, and walking was out of the question. I tried to catch a glimpse of a taxi in the gloom but there were no vehicles. For a moment I thought that if I found a brothel, those women would be able to empathize with me and help me.

"Ollie!" someone called behind me, and it was Thomas. I sighed exhaustedly and gave up, letting him catch up to me. "I'll take you home".

"Stop it, please", I cried, a victim of tears. I was tired.

"I'm sorry you had to witness that". Thomas wrapped his arms around me and pressed me against his body. "Michael's a jerk".

"And so are you!", I shouted, angrily shoving him. I punched him in the chest a couple of times and he took it like he deserved it. "Don't you realize this is your own fucking fault? Why the hell won't you leave me alone! I don't want to go back to London, Thomas!" I sobbed. "Don't make me go back to London..."

"Do you want me to leave you alone?", he asked, his voice calm but visibly troubled. "Olivia," he grabbed my face and forced me to look at him, "look me in the eye and tell me that you really want me to disappear from your life, and I will".

I cried in front of him to the point where I felt like I was drowning in my anguish and he restrained himself from hugging me, but not from wiping my tears with his fingers. He was still waiting for an answer and I didn't know what to say.

"Would it really be that simple?", I found myself asking.

"What do you mean?" Thomas looked serious.

"It may be easy for you to forget about me completely", I said, "for you have your life made and already had a great love. But it won't be for me". I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. "I love you, Tom. I love you. I love you. I love you and you have no idea how much I hate myself for it".

"Ollie..."

"No, it's fine", I stopped him. "You don't have to justify yourself. I know perfectly well that you don't feel the same way and I don't blame you. It's not you like still loving a woman who was taken away from you, and even though you wanted to prove me wrong the other day in my room, I know you'd like to move on but you can't".

A drunk man stumbled between us and, already on the ground, vomited up the entire contents of his stomach. I took a few steps back and Thomas came back over to me, stepping over the man, ignoring his condition.

"Olivia..."

"Could you, just for today, do me the favor of not saying anything?", I interrupted him again. I really wanted him to shut up.

My body felt numb and somewhat lighter for having been able to express my feelings once and for all, although doing so did not bring me any kind of joy.

Thomas had been taken aback by my words as if he had never imagined that I was capable of loving him, as if he was not worthy of it. Beyond the darkness, I noticed that he was in extreme shock and every so many seconds, he would bring his eyes to some point in the street, seemingly disturbed by some kind of thought.

"I won't say anything, then" he said at last.

"I'm going to ask one last favor of you". I took a breath. "Could you ask Arthur or Finn to take me home? It's just, I don't know how to get back and..."

"Of course," he spoke over me. What I had confessed to him had upset his nerves. "Arthur will drive you to Ada's. And I'll see to it that Michael doesn't bother you again".

"No. Don't get involved, Thomas", I stopped him. "Michael told you I can handle myself just fine. If he tries anything untoward, I'll put him in his place", I said.

Thomas didn't look convinced but still, he refrained from protesting. We returned to The Garrison and outside were Arthur and Finn, smoking. I looked around for Michael's car and noticed that it was gone.

"Arthur, take Olivia to Ada's house", Thomas ordered.

Arthur nodded and motioned for me to follow him. Before I left, I looked at Thomas and gave him a slight nod, and he did the same.

As pathetic as it sounds, my declaration of love had lacked romance and had apparently only served to cool our strange relationship, rather than fill it with warmth. It hadn't been in the summer sun, in a park full of flowers, but had happened spontaneously in a slum, in the dark, with the stench of vomit and shit surrounding us, the constant panting of prostitutes, and the insults that drunks hurled at each other.

That is my relationship with Thomas Shelby and what happened tonight was a projection of it. Our relationship will never be, if it continues to be, a bed of roses.

I can't change how I feel and I don't want to change how I feel. That's the only truth. Never in my life have I seen myself capable of feeling a love this real. Yes, a chaotic, irregular and unusual love, but sincere, so sincere that I expect absolutely nothing from it.

/

Tommy closed the journal and rubbed his eyes. Every entry he read surprised him with how much of a jerk he'd been.

He sat up in bed and looked around. He had spent the night in Olivia's room at his parents' house, since neither he nor his sister had been able to return to Birmingham so late in the evening.

Jane was originally going to set up the room for Ada, but Ada had insisted that Tommy sleep there, claiming that he deserved to sleep in a bed for all he had been through, while she would sleep on the couch in the living room. Tommy had readily agreed, because being surrounded by Olivia's things made him feel as if she was there with him, and so it had happened.

He slept in her bed and slept peacefully, sensing her arms around him. Feeling the weight of her head on his chest. The mattress was narrow and the pillow too low but he slept much more comfortably than in his huge bed at Arrow House. Olivia's presence, present in every object, had served as a soporific and he hadn't needed the help of any opiates to access sleep; indeed, he hadn't even suffered from insomnia.

"I wish you had let me speak", he claimed to Olivia in his thoughts.

She had expressed her love to him and his surprise was such that it had been misunderstood. Olivia had failed to see that, when she had made her feelings known to him, Tommy had fallen victim to the fear caused by the realization that he loved her too.

Until that night, he'd had only the faintest certainty that he was falling in love, that with each passing day Olivia was more necessary in his life and the only reason he felt truly happy, but it wasn't until she confessed that Tommy was aware the same thing was happening to him.

He had left Ada's house telling her he would never forget Grace, and yet when Olivia told him she loved him, Tommy forgot all about Grace. The realization that in that instant, only the woman in front of his eyes had existed for him, broken down in tears, opening the Pandora's box of her feelings, terrified him.

He was afraid because he knew he was in love. He was afraid because the last woman who had loved him had been killed because of him.

"Ollie", Tommy whispered to himself, but he imagined he was telling Olivia what she hadn't wanted to hear, "I love you, too. You may not believe me, but it's true, and it worries me. I'll never tire of telling you: I'm a monster. We monsters hurt, kill and destroy, but we are not made to love. I'm sorry you have to hear her name one more time," he imagined the look on Olivia's face when she heard it, "but Grace paid the consequences for loving me".

He would never know what she would have said back then, and while he could ask her once he found her, it wouldn't be the same. The tragicomic magic of that night was lost in time.

Tommy dressed and went downstairs, trying, in vain, to forget what he had read. In the hall he met Henry Westerling, putting the lunch he was to take to work into a bag. They greeted each other solemnly.

"Where is my sister?", Tommy asked Henry. "The sooner we get away to Birmingham the better".

"She's gone shopping with Jane", said Westerling. "Mr. Shelby, I have a favor to ask", he said suddenly.

"Go ahead", Tommy encouraged him.

Under Tommy's watchful eye, Henry rummaged in his bag for something that took him a while to find, seemingly on purpose. When he got hold of it, Tommy saw that it was a small package wrapped in paper. Somewhat hesitantly, he reached for it.

"When you find my daughter, could you give this to her? It's special for both of us", Henry said. "Please don't open it", he added, immediately.

"Don't worry. I won't open it". Tommy wondered what was in the package. "Anyway, you could give it to her yourself when Olivia gets back, couldn't you?"

"Mr. Shelby, ideally, my daughter should never have contact with any of us again," Westerling's words threw him off balance, "so no one will be able to link Beatrice to Olivia. I won't see my daughter again, but I'm content to know that she's alive and safe, far away from here. You're going to America, to look for her, and you're going to find her. I know you're going to find her", he emphasized, "and when you do, you'll have to make a decision".

"What decision?" Tommy had to ask when he saw that the man in front of him had stopped talking.

"You will have to decide whether to return to England, leaving Beatrice behind, to remain the same man you are now, or to give up everything you have in this country, including business and connections, so as to become anonymous and stay with my daughter in New York". Tommy saw sorrow in Henry Westerling's eyes. "The life you lead, Mr. Shelby, is incompatible with my daughter's safety. If you are incapable of taking the risks, then all the staging of her death, including the suffering it caused, will have been in vain".

Tommy took a few seconds to analyze what Henry had told him. Again, uncertainty gnawed at his mind: the last entry in the diaries must contain a truth that he could not imagine. So great and so convincing, that it had not only served the purpose of proving to the Westerlings that their daughter was still alive, but had persuaded them not to rush out in search of her.

"Mr. Westerling", Tommy saw this conversation as the perfect opportunity to get the information Ada refused to give him; after all, his sister wasn't there to stop him, "what about Olivia?"

Henry Westerling sighed in dismay and looked hesitant to share what he knew. Apparently Ada had filled the man in on his ignorance and the reason for it.

To Tommy's misfortune, just as Henry forced himself to speak, the front door opened and Jane and Ada entered the house, carrying paper bags.

"Fuck".

"Oh, Thomas, dear", Jane greeted him. "Have you had breakfast yet?"

"No, Jane, and you needn't worry. I'm not going to have breakfast".

"Are you planning to drive to Birmingham on an empty stomach? No way!" For some reason, ever since Jane had learned that Olivia was alive, she'd dropped her formality with Tommy and had suddenly begun to treat him as if he were her own son. "Sit down at the table and I'll make you some tea and something. See if you faint on the road and crash, and you and Ada die".

"Thanks for the good omen, Jane", Ada said sarcastically and headed for the kitchen.

Tommy rubbed his eyes, knowing he had no choice but to have breakfast. He had to admit that, deep down, feeling pampered like this wasn't unpleasant.

"I'm going to work", Henry Westerling stopped Tommy as he started toward the kitchen. "Don't forget to give Olivia my present" he felt the need to remind him. It seemed to be very important to him.

"I won't forget, Mr. Westerling", Tommy said, and tucked the little package into the inside pocket of his jacket where he carried the journal and the lighter.

"I don't think we'll see each other again, so let me thank you for all you've done for my daughter. I told you, I don't like your business or the man you are, but still, you've been far more honest and braver than..." Westerling swallowed as if he was holding back his anger, "that piece of scum Andrew Fairfax. And I know you love my Olivia".

"I love your Olivia" he said with a nod.

Tommy witnessed how Henry stretched out his hand with the intention of shaking his and so they did, just like the previous afternoon, but with the immense difference that in that gesture, there was no animosity of any kind, but mutual respect.

Once Henry left, Tommy walked over to where Ada and Jane were and sat down at the table.

"Would you like some bread with your tea, Thomas?", asked Jane.

"A toast will be fine", he took the cup his sister held out to him.

Ada's mouth was full and she was chewing as if she hadn't eaten in days. Tommy guessed that bringing Olivia's parents up to speed on her fate had relieved Ada of a burden so great that it had even deprived her of appetite.

"Just one?", Jane questioned, squinting her eyes. "You'll starve. I'll make you three, and before you leave, I'll make you some lard sandwiches. I'd say you drive to Northampton and stop there for lunch". The suggestion sounded more like an order.

"It's only two hundred kilometers", Ada spat crumbs as she spoke.

"And a five-hour drive", Jane replied.

The phone rang, forcing Jane to stop her sermon. Disturbed and mumbling under her breath, the woman stopped slicing the bread and hurried into the living room. Tommy concentrated on drinking his tea, still mortified by the entry he'd read, and paid no attention to what Olivia's mother was talking about on the phone. Ada, however, stood up and made her way over to where Jane was standing when she noticed that the woman's tone had gotten too high.

Ada returned a minute later, pale and wide-eyed. She sat back in her chair and stared at the cup in front of her. Jane hadn't hung up yet and was still chattering.

"Tommy", Ada caught his eye, "Andrew Fairfax has killed himself".

Tommy took a sip of his tea and noticed that it was too sweet for his taste. He preferred his tea to taste as natural as possible.

"So?"

"God, Tom". His sister had been deeply disturbed by his reaction. "Fairfax killed herself because of you, because of the way you lied to him and ruined his life", she said.

"Ruin his life? I made things take the course they were supposed to take. Nothing more".

"The course they were supposed to take or the one you wanted them to take?" Ada pounded her fist on the table. She tried to get some kind of reaction out of him, as she seemed to be uncomfortable with his apathy. "Someday you'll understand that you're not God? Yesterday was unnecessary. It would have been enough if Fairfax still believed Olivia was dead".

"Why the fuck are you defending him?" Ada had somehow managed to piss him off "Are you forgetting what he did to your friend?"

"And you? Are you forgetting what you did to her?" his sister attacked. "Because I don't. I saw her cry because of you, and I read the diaries. You broke her heart too, Thomas. Tell me, what the fuck do you deserve, then?"

Tommy set the cup down on the saucer and stood up. His sister was absolutely right, and that bothered him. He didn't regret Fairfax's suicide, but he couldn't say he'd been a saint either.

"What a disgrace! Poor Nancy, her son would be an idiot, but he didn't deserve to die". She looked at Tommy. "Oh, are you leaving already?"

"Yes, Jane. We're leaving now". Tommy walked over to her and kissed her cheek. The woman jumped, surprised. "Thank you for everything".

He didn't allow the woman to protest or for Ada to make any sort of comment. He stepped out into the street and knowing that Ada was following him, he made his way to the car he had parked the previous evening.

It would be a long trip because it was practically impossible for Ada to go five hours without blaming him for his part in Fairfax's suicide. Tommy didn't regret his death, nor did it provoke reflection or remorse, but he had discovered that he loathed being compared to that man to an unsuspected degree.

Inwardly, Tommy didn't feel able to question or mock Faifax. After all, he had considered himself a 'coward' but without hesitation he had made a decision that Tommy had been considering for a long time.

For the first and last time, Andrew Fairfax had been braver than he was.