Chapter Forty-Seven
Elizabeth was never so happy to see someone in her life.
Nathan was standing there, and she was running to him.
But the closer she got, she could see that his eyes looked haunted, and she had never seen him look so void of emotion. Not even after James Crawford, the Mountie who had been shot and killed.
Her heart wrenched at the sight of him.
She kept running to him, praying he would take her in his arms, but terrified that he would be unable to do so.
But he did reach for her, and he buried his head in her hair, and he sobbed, physically shaking at her touch.
They stood there in the cold, sobbing together, unable to recognize the great magnitude of their loss, except to know it hurt deeply as though someone or something had died. Little did they know, they were grieving each for the other and also for themselves. In reality, it was a part of each of them that had died, and neither had known before today that that part had even existed.
But all they could do was hold each other.
They stood there in each other's arms, as the morning sun reached for its highest spot. And it was the rays of that sun and their love for each other that kept them warm in spite of the winter's cold.
The couple finally turned toward the water with their arms still around each other, and they watched the reflection of the sun's rays dance across the water. It was as though God was putting on a nature show just for them, telling them that somehow, they were going to get through this trial, and although they couldn't see how that was going to happen, He was promising them that it would happen and He was going to help see them through. They just had to trust Him right now, and He would carry them through this darkness that had been thrust upon them.
Elizabeth turned to Nathan, "Darling, I'm completely yours. This majestic lake is yours. This is where we should get married, Nathan. Right here."
And he kissed her hungrily, as though he were willing himself to come back to life for her. And when they finished the kiss, his eyes looked less haunted.
That he was just the tiniest bit better was enough for her.
"Let's get you in out of this cold," he whispered.
He took her hand and led her to the horses, where he helped her mount, Sargent.
He then mounted Newton, and they headed back in the direction they had come, back to their cabin for refuge.
Just like Nathaniel had done for her on their way out to find Nathan, Nathan dismounted several times to clear the brush for her to go through first, and then he followed.
When they finally reached their cabin, Nathan dismounted Newton and helped her to dismount Sargent. He opened the door for her to go inside the cabin to warm up, then he put the horses in the lean-to, and made sure there was hay they could reach to eat.
On his way back to the cabin, he gathered some of the wood outside and brought it in to start a fire. There was nothing for Elizabeth to do but to wait and pray for this man she loved.
It took a while to get the fire going because of the wind, but before long Nathan had a roaring fire, and they could feel its warmth. They sat on the rug directly in front of the fire in order to warm themselves the quickest.
Neither spoke a word. There was no food, no anything, except each other. But that was enough for both of them. They sat with their backs against the settee as they had done on their first date.
But this was so very different. Last time they were experiencing joy, intense joy. This time they were experiencing pain, intense pain. Pain that was still too painful to talk about.
Last time Nathan had borrowed the cabin to use for their special date. This time, the cabin belonged to them.
What transformations time can make: from joy to pain, and from borrowed to owned. All in a matter of weeks.
They sat there together silently till Nathan needed to go get more wood for the fire, and she realized she needed to go check Sargent's saddlebags. So, they went outside together, still without words, but none were needed.
Nathan got the wood, and she got her Lunch Bag.
Back inside the cabin, Nathan added the wood to the fire until it was blazing. When he sat back down by her, she took out her Sandwich, took half, and gave him half. They ate not because they were hungry, but because it was there.
When they had finished the Sandwich, she took out the slices of Apples she had packed and shared them equally with Nathan.
But there was more, and she was hoping it would at least draw a smile. She had packed two of the Sugar Cookies with Chopped Cherry Slices they had eaten earlier in the week.
She handed him one, and he turned to look at her. Not quite a smile, but recognition none the less.
By now they had finished their impromptu lunch and they sat just watching the fire.
"Darling, I have a confession," she started slowly unsure if she should even say anything at all about this. "I read something…"
Before she could finish, Nathan reached into his serge and took out the very letter she was talking about.
He handed it to her, and whispered back, "No confession necessary. It was meant for you always."
"You knew," she whispered.
He could only nod yes.
And then she remembered something. Something very important that happened that same day she had read Nathan's letter from last Christmas. The words were almost identical and they hadn't made sense then. But perhaps now they did.
She didn't know if she should say anything, but she had promised Nathan to always be truthful and to share anything that could be important between them. And this felt important, especially given today's events. She would have to follow her heart and hope this brought a bit of peace to Nathan, without adding any pain.
"Darling, I was so upset with myself that day. That I hadn't seen how very much you loved me back then and that I might have cost us our chance by not being ready. Your letter was so beautiful, like poetry. But it made me see how awful I had been to you. Nathan, I was so upset, I couldn't even go home. I had to be alone, so I walked to the pond, alone with my thoughts. Not really being able to make sense of anything. Why had I wasted time? And, then it happened, and the voice was so clear: 'That's in your past, Elizabeth. Your new past. Leave it there with our past and love him well. Just like you loved me. 'Come sit with me' and 'Take a walk with me' are one and the same. But, I think you already know that.'
"It was Jack, Nathan, and then he said the thing I didn't understand. He said and I quote: 'The two of you were always meant to be Elizabeth. Always."
Nathan turned to her, "Jack knew?"
She nodded yes.
Nathan put his hands to his face and he let out a deep breath.
"It's like a death, Elizabeth. We've lost six years."
And then it hit Elizabeth, she had spent much of those six years with Jack, loving him. Nathan had been alone, with no love, no color in his life. And she finally understood that the devastation for him had to be even worse than how deeply it troubled her.
"Jack said 'Take a walk with me?'"
She nodded.
"I'm sorry Elizabeth. I didn't know."
"Don't be sorry. Don't ever be sorry. Every single time, you've said the words 'Come sit with me," I have felt waves of love. I just kept trying to sort the two out and separate them, and all along they were exactly the same. Is this hard for you, Darling?"
"No, my Love, it helps me."
And she snuggled next to him in that spot where she was home.
He bent to kiss her forehead, and they sat like that for the longest time, without any more words.
She looked up at him and he was looking straight ahead into the fire. His face was so stoic, it pained her to see. But she knew all she could do, was to love him through this. She reached for his hand and curled her own hand around it, and she settled back into him.
They would get through this. Elizabeth didn't know how, but she knew that they would.
And that knowledge relaxed her just enough to put all her focus on him, willing him back to be in the moment with them together.
But he wasn't ready. He held her, but he was elsewhere. Lost somewhere in their own lost six years.
So, she decided instead to give him the time he needed, wherever he was, without any expectations for now of bringing him back to the present. It was enough that she was there with him.
If he had to go back to a past that never was, she would go with him. Whatever it took for him to heal from this, she would see that he had it. And Elizabeth reiterated to herself, 'We will get through this.'
"Close your eyes, Darling."
"I can't Elizabeth. It's too painful with them open."
And she started to softly cry.
"No, Darling, don't cry. I can't bear that," and he folded his arms around her and held on to her like he would never let her go.
He reached into his serge for a handkerchief and he dried her tears, and she scooted behind him so that she could hold him. And finally, she could feel all the tension in his body start to relax. So, she just kept holding him, running her fingers through his hair, like she did with Little Jack. Comforting him like she would a child at school who had been hurt.
"Elizabeth, this isn't about Allie and Little Jack."
"I know that it's not."
Elizabeth held him close in her arms and started softly singing, while gently rocking him, till he leaned his head on her shoulder and finally closed his eyes…
Over in Killarney, many years ago
my mother sang a song to me in tones so sweet and low
just a simple little diddy in her good old Irish way
And I'd give the world if she could sing that song to me today
Too ra loo ra loo ral
too ra loo ra lie
too ra loo ra loo ral
hush now don't you cry
Too ra loo ra loo ral
too ra loo ra lie
too ra loo ra loo ral
that's an Irish lullaby
Oft' in dreams I wander to that cot again
I hear her softly hummin' to me as when she did back then
I I fell her softly huggin' me as in days of yore
when she used to rock me fast asleep outside that cabin door
Too ra loo ra loo ral
too ra loo ra lie
too ra loo ra loo ral
hush now don't you cry
Too ra loo ra loo ral
too ra loo ra lie
too ra loo ra loo ral
that's an Irish lullaby (9*)
She held him, loving him, willing love into his broken heart. And she would continue pouring love into his heart till someday he would completely forget this wound. She caressed his face, his arm, and his hair until finally, he stirred.
"Elizabeth, let's not talk about this now. Let's live our lives and let's go riding on Sunday afternoon and resolve this then."
She nodded and he wrapped her arms around him, and then he surprised her.
"Do you have a pen and paper in your saddlebags?"
She nodded, "I'll go get them."
"No, you stay here, I'll go," and he kissed her cheek and walked out the door.
She added another log to the fire and was stoking it when he walked back through the door with both pen and paper in hand.
"This cabin is ours, Elizabeth and our extended Family keeps getting bigger and bigger. How can we make everyone fit?"
He sketched out the interior of the cabin as accurately as he could and handed her the pen and paper, "What do you see, Elizabeth?"
She had thought about this. The cabin was magical to her and she didn't want to take away any of its charm, but she did want to make it comfortable, most of all for Nathan and their family, but also for their extended family as well. She wanted a better and bigger kitchen area with room for a table that would seat everyone and she wanted a large front porch that could be screened in and double as a sleeping porch. She wanted small, functional bedrooms with huge featherbeds for the adults and a larger bedroom/playroom with bunks for the children stretched along the very back length of the cabin, so they would have privacy but still be close by.
Nathan looked over her shoulder at what she was drawing and he could see the cabin being transformed before his very eyes, and he could see it, even feel it being this wonderful happy place that would serve as a refuge for them for years to come.
"What would you add, Darling?"
"Nothing, this is perfect! I'll take it to Lee and we'll get started as soon as the weather clears."
"Nathan, are you serious? We can do this?"
"We can do this. We need to do this." He took her hand and kissed it, and she could see he was trying so hard to come back to her and be with her.
They looked at their plan again, together and made that their focus.
Whatever happened in their lives, this would be their happy place, their haven, their retreat, their sanctuary, and even their stronghold.
He touched her hand and with that light touch came the promise of their future together, here in this cabin.
They had spent the day in their cabin together and on their quiet ride back to Hope Valley they had kept their promise to each other: they would live their lives, go riding on Sunday afternoon, and discuss the matter that had so abruptly been thrust into their lives then and they would reach a resolution after that discussion. But they would not even discuss the matter between them till then. Instead, they would live their lives.
When they reached Elizabeth's rowhouse, it was dark and they realized the children were at the Coulters' house. Elizabeth went to gather them and Nathan took Newton and Sargent back to the Livery to get them settled in for the night. He wasn't ready to see other adults. He just needed a bit more time alone.
Walking back to Elizabeth's after he had cared for the horses, he thought about what he had told Allie not so long ago. 'When you are anxious for something to happen, count your daily blessings instead,' and that could also be interpreted 'When things go badly, count your daily blessings instead.'
He had a job he loved in a town that had become his home. He had a beautiful spunky Daughter, an adorable Toddler who adored him and would soon become his Son, and most importantly he had the love of his life in his beautiful Elizabeth. And in addition to all that, today Bill and Nathaniel had both dropped what they were doing in their concern for him and made sure that he was alright. Aaron had filled in for him at work without questioning why.
He knew there were no easy answers for what he was facing, but he was going to trust that God was going to help him come to peace with the news he had been given this morning.
Nathan knocked on Elizabeth's door, but he could hear crying inside.
He opened the door to see Elizabeth carrying Little Jack, gently rocking him back and forth as she walked. Allie was sitting close by with a worried look on her face.
"What's wrong, Darling?"
"Allie says Laura caught a cold at school or either already had it. She at first thought it was allergies, but Jack has a slight fever, along with the sniffles, too. He hasn't been out all week, so he must have caught her cold. He's just so cranky. I've tried everything I know to do."
But when Little Jack realized his Na'tan was there, he calmed down and reached for him.
Nathan took him and kissed him. He held him in his arms and started walking with him.
First, he started humming, then he slowly added the words…
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry
Go to sleep you little baby
When you wake, you will have cake
And all the pretty little horses
Blacks and bays, dapples and greys
A coach and six white horses
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry
Go to sleep you little baby
Way down yonder, down in the meadow
There's a poor little lamby
Bees and butterflies flitting 'round his eyes
He's crying out for his mammy
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry
Go to sleep you little baby
When you wake, you will have cake
And all the pretty little horses
Blacks and bays, dapples and greys
A coach and six white horses
Blacks and bays, dapples and greys
All the pretty little horses
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry
Go to sleep you little baby
Go to sleep you little baby
All the pretty little horses (10*)
Little Jack had fallen sound asleep, and Elizabeth motioned for Nathan to take him up to his crib.
She quickly kissed Allie and followed Nathan up the stairs to her son's room, where Nathan kissed him on the forehead and laid him in his crib, tenderly placing his little blanket over him.
He turned, not realizing Elizabeth was there, and she rushed to him, putting her arm around his waist, leading him out of the room and tenderly reaching to kiss him on the cheek as they started down the stairs together.
At the bottom of the stairs, they could both tell Allie was very worried about her Little Jack.
"Allie Bean, Little Jack's going to be fine. Don't you worry, Sweetheart!"
And the little girl rushed to her Dad and he enveloped her in his strong arms, trying his best to erase her worry about this little boy she loved so much.
Elizabeth came to her too, "Allie, Sweetheart, it's just a little cold. He's going to be fine tomorrow, I promise."
Allie nodded. She was sniffling, trying her best to dry her tears.
Nathan took Elizabeth's hand and reached to kiss her lightly on the lips.
"Nathan, the Lullaby was so beautiful! I've never heard it before."
"I used to sing it to Allie, and my Mother sang it to Colleen and me before that."
"Thank you Darling for calming him, thank you for everything you do for us."
Tears came to his eyes and he nodded as his lips brushed her lips. Then, he and Allie turned and headed home.
She stepped out on her porch watching them, "Please Dear God, give him rest tonight. Give him peace tonight. And Allie too, I pray."
As Elizabeth stepped into her house and sat down at her desk she began to write.
"Some days aren't joyful or even pretty, but there's a strength in those days. They bind us closer together and show us how to use our faith. And in an odd way, those difficult days give us a promise of those even brighter days that are sure to be ahead of us…and in His inimitable way, God truly blesses us through them all."
(9*) James Royce Shannon, "Tura Lura Lural aka Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ral (That's an Irish Lullaby)," 1913, Public Domain
(10*) Author Unknown, "All the Pretty Little Horses," 1918, Public Domain